It Is Mostly About Weekends

Dear Diary,

How has it been for you Diary? I wish you were in the pink of health. I have not been busy however; I have been spending a lot of my time with my family and work. For the past one month, I have not had one weekend to myself. I spent all weekends with my family. I had a barbeque party organized by my cousins and I spent the following weekend in Tangkak so as the next. Imagine this Diary, I work five days a week and weekend is the only time I have to rest or to spend my time in the comfort of my home. Can you believe me how I truly treasure my weekends now? It is simply natural for me to feel that way towards my weekend. When else can I enjoy some time on my own except on weekends?

I am going to Tangkak again this weekend and it is going to be a long weekend for me. I have applied for unpaid leave on Monday and I will only get back to work on Wednesday, as Tuesday is a public holiday. It is sure good to have a long weekend like this however, I always feel that weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. I wish I could go elsewhere other than Tangkak. I guess I have to wait before than can happen.  The barbeque party was enjoyable even though it was a little boring. I supposed I do not have my favourite cousin, niece and nephews anymore to hang. Have I told you they have gone to Doha to live? It has been five months I think. Her husband was transferred to Doha and he brought along his whole family. I miss my niece so much and really wonder how she is getting along with the new environment there. We spent the night there by the beach and it was quite enjoyable. I set out two tents for my mother and myself. Dad and my brother did not spend the night there, as dad would be uncomfortable for sure.

There were plenty of food during the barbeque and that made it difficult to decide what to eat. I could say that there was an abundant supply of food and it was overwhelming actually. I brought egg sandwich and I had noticed that nobody really cared. I felt somewhat disappointed. I spent my time with Hello Kitty during the barbeque. If it was not for her, I would have felt bored and lonely. My only cousin that I am close with was away so that left me with no one else to get comfortable. I have a few cousin sisters that I can hang with but they are mostly a few years younger than I am.

I am getting used to my new job. The training is over and how thankful I am for that. Work is boring but at least it gives me time to write to you, discreetly of course. Well, I am not thinking of making this job permanent anyway. I have other plans that are waiting to be finalized. By the way, don’t I always have other plans Diary? I have learnt somewhere that life is always about planning. You must have a short-term plan and a long-term plan. Well, I have not stopped planning but I have stopped having too much hope on a plan I have created. The theory is simple, hope springs eternal in humans’ hearts but you also do not want to be crushed by your own hopes. Get what I mean?

Having worked here for almost a month, I am beginning to miss my old bank job. I miss everything about it especially the environment. I now realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I knew that but I was simply being human trying to maximize my potentials. I should have stayed longer in that bank so that I would only have six more months to the first phase of my business plans. I left too soon and now I have to start all over again. Hello Kitty has decided to be a shareholder and she is working out something to get the funds. I am waiting. I still have a little bit of patience and hopes in me and if she could come out with the funds, I am on a roll. Looking back, I have a lot to thank her even if she could not get the funds. It is her beliefs in me so as her believe in my ambitions and dreams. We are doing this together and I know she is doing it for her own or perhaps our future as well. You would not invest in something when you could not have a taste of the profits would you? It is not finalized yet, we are still waiting for the application to be successful. I am praying for the application to go through and I think she is doing likewise.

I have my business proposal ready and I spend my time in the office amending and fine-tuning it. That is all I do in the office nowadays other than doing what I am supposed to do. Yes, I have to admit that I am losing my focus in the office. I do not work as hard as I did in this bank than in the previous bank. I have deviated myself from the main purpose I got this job. Well, who could have blamed me? I was turned off with this job right on the very first day of training. I have officially declared that of all the job trainings I have had, this is by far the worst trainings ever! There, I have said it. If only I could mention the bank’s name…I gladly would. It sucks big time and it is no joke. Boredom is a sickness the cure for which is work; pleasure is only a palliative. 

You know Diary, have I told you that the old bank I worked for has many persons that reminded me of the people close to my heart. Rose, she reminded me of Pumpkin because of her looks, height, body and laughter. Almost everything about her made me think of Pumpkin. Fazleena the girl in the administration department reminded me of Dark Chocolate. It is how she looks, how she wears her hair and her body figure especially, all of them made me think a lot of Dark Chocolate. Then we have Samantha who resembles Flying Babe. I got goose bumps whenever I saw her. Therefore, really that office has so much comfort for me. I was very comfortable there. I did not worry about not getting relaxed there. The familiar characters in the office were sufficient to make me feel at ease. I do not know them when I first joined the bank but having the feel of knowing them because some things about them made me feel calm, safe and homely. Have you felt like that before? Their presence soothes you and you do not have anything to be bothered.

I am not feeling like that in this new bank Diary and so I know I do not have to stay if I do not want to.       

It Drives Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Wow!! I have missed you a lot. I have paid you a visit occasionally and read what I have written to you, that helps to ease me a little. I would do the same to those I have missed. Whenever I fell like it, I would read the old chat logs or the messages I have had with them and yes, it reduces the feeling of missing them. How are you Diary? I am good and I am still in my training days with the new job. Are you surprise? I am surprise at how long the training is. I have been doing nothing except idling and minding my old business in the office. No specific instructions were given and I feel that the bank is wasting its resources for us the new hires.

Honestly, I am being paid for coming in to the office at 9 and leaving at 630 sharp. Lunch is 2 hours from 12 to 2 pm and there is no productivity from me. I am beginning to lose it but I am hanging on for the sake of fulfilling the minimum duration I am required to work otherwise I will have to pay them 2 months salary in lieu of early termination of contract. Yes, I am planning to leave but only after I have secured a business loan from a very close investor. If the loan application is successful, I will leave this job and start the business.

All the time I am in the office, I have been scrutinising my business proposal. I have dream of it and started imagining running it. Yes, I am a dreamer. Will the loan be approved? I do not know but I will carry on dreaming of it until I get my hands on it. Dear Allah, please make it happen this time because I am not sure if I can last for another 3 months in this job. The team leader seems to get on my nerves as the day gets by. I have noticed that when he talks, he seems to think that his methods and beliefs are right. He does not seem arrogant but he is the softer version of Mr. Potato when he speaks. Everybody seems to have the same opinions about him.

Well, when you are in control of a department, there are only two types of opinions your staffs can feel about you; good or bad. The training he conducts are way below the standard level I expected. Most of the time, we were left on our own to idle. The work system here is very different than the previous bank I was with. I was kind of disappointed and began to have reservations about how this bank works. The training is the most disorganised, boring and lousy one I have ever attended. Ironically, the team leader thinks his training he conducts is relevant to what we will be doing. I have told you he thinks very highly of his methods and ways. Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.  The best treatment for this type of person is to ignore him. The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening.

Smart Phone Save Me From Boredom and Loneliness?

Hello Diary,

Selamat malam. Hari ini aku lalui dengan penuh perasaan bosan. Bosan sehingga aku begitu menyampah dengan kerja baru aku. Tiap hari bila training aku langsung tidak ada semangat untuk kerja. Aku rasakan seolah olah masa yang aku habiskan untuk training adalah sangat membuang masa. Tidak ada dedicated trainer untuk kita jadi aku hanya perlu sampai ke office pada pukul 9 pagi dan tunggu sampai pukul 11 barulah trainer akan datang untuk melatihi kita. Pukul 12, waktu rehat sehingga pukul 2 dan kami harus tunggu sehingga pukul 4 barulah trainer akan datang lagi. Kita akan pulang pada pukul 530 atau 630. Begitulah routine harian kita. Aku sudah menyampah dengan routine ini tetapi aku terpaksa sebab aku tiada pilihan lagi.

Hari ini, trainer aku seperti ....ermm...Ya Allah....I am having some mental block to write in Malay. I guess I will be writing to you in English now. I wish I could write something in Malay but the words just would not come out. I am getting bored to the core and it  has taken its toll on me. If I can do a miracle or if I can have just one wish, I would wish for 10 million dollars cash in my bank account so I will never be out of cash to start a business. If that business fails, then I will always have money to use as a start up capital. I will keep on trying until I have found a successful business. 

Today's training started at 10 and ended at 6. The whole training session was only 4 hours. I was wondering, if this is the case why can't they just let us come in late and leave late or come in early and leave early. We were just sitting and idling like idiots and I hate it so much. The training was nothing about the products or systems. It was more of a sales workshops which will show your weaknesses or rather exposed you to scrutiny by the trainer. Of course this was done by the trainer at how well or bad you did in the role play. 

I was 'attacked' today by the trainer and that made me feel lousy. I hate role play and I got sick of it after many changed of job session I have had. I despise it very much. The role play I did, I did not perform well because I was bored, sleepy and tired. Tell me, why would I even want to perform well at something which I do not like? Yes, I should have done this and I should have done that. Yeah yeah Mr Trainer, I heard you. Let us just see if the real situation would be the same like in the role play. On the surface, I seemed to be weak and not strong in my closing techniques. Oh Diary, like I have said I got turned off already and there I was having to do something which I do not fancy at all. Give me a break. I am not even sure if I want to perform or if I want to do it like how I did when I was in the old bank. I am simply bored to death right now. To expect something to remember from me is silly when I am in this mood.

I spent my idling time writing email to Broken Angel and playing games from my phone. Yes, thank God with the creation of smart phones, you will always have something to distract your attention from boredom. Times have changed our lifestyles and makes it progress into a better one. Smart phones can be a tool to save us from boredom but I am not sure if it can be a tool to save us from loneliness. I do not know Diary. When I am lonely, I always have you. The period when I became so lonely after the break up with Infinity, I had you but I never wrote to you. I supposed it was too painful to describe it in writing. However, the break up with Flying Babe made me wrote to you as often as I could. Perhaps the cause of the break up plays a part. I broke up with Infinity because well, let us just say she found someone better than I am while I broke up with Flying Babe because of my classic weaknesses with women. 

Flying Babe made me realised my weaknesses. I knew I had it coming because I knew how much I have wish for someone like her to like me too. When she did, I became ecstatic and I fumbled and stumbled trying so hard to please and impress her. Little did I know that it did not make me stronger, I only grew weaker day by day. I was so shy with her. I was so afraid to show her my weaknesses thinking that she might get turned off with me. I swear to God I was so afraid of that. But it still happened. We did not last long but my love for her lasted for as long as it could until the day she found a new love. I moved on too and I am not sure what I have learnt from it. 

I have distracted myself from love. I have managed to do it with the help of Hello Kitty. I try not to talk about it. I try to divert my focus into something else. Sometimes I think about it and reminisce about the loves of my life. I miss love but I am calm now and I suppose that is what makes me happy now. I do not want to dwell about the love that I have lost because it only makes me weaker and I can feel it in my heart, like a thud. I am a very fragile person when it comes to love. My temper is like a tiger's but my heart is soft like silk. I have to protect it from all the hurt. I have to shield it from all the pain. I simply have to come back to who I really am. The best day of my life is the one on which I decide my life is my own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day my life really begins with the love from whom is willing to give, sincerely with no conditions and terms.

It Is Driving Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Today is the fourth day of training and to be honest, I have really begun to get bored to the maximum. In my opinion, the training is so boring. I was trying to stay awake during the entire course of this training today. Last night was a bad night for me. Somehow, I got stomach discomfort and I had to vomit myself to make myself feel at eased. I felt like there was wind in my stomach and I really felt sick. It could not have been gastric because I have never been attacked with gastric. I would say that it was probably diarrhea since I passed motion and vomited at the same time. It must have been something that I ate last night. I know the seafood I had have something to do with it. This reminds me of the time I had food poisoining in Tangkak last year. It scared me and I never would want to experience it again.

Therefore, sleep was not good last night. I often woke up when my stomach gave me the signal to go to the loo. It was absolute pandemonium. I was sleep deprived and the training session today did not interest me at all. If I were given a chance, I would simply walk out and go home. I am worried how long I can last here. Honestly, I did my countdown since the first day of training. I got turned off with the physical working environment and I simply do not feel comfortable. Now, I am hoping that I would have the patience to stay as long as it takes. Perhaps, as the time goes by, I would be fine but really, it is hard to say.

The team leader trained us today. He was supposed to conduct the training but he was away for his national service thus his assistant conducted the training when he was away. He came back and the training somehow started all over again with a bit of a twist, his way of course. It is the usual training session with questions and answers and some role play. Oh Diary, how I hate role play so much. I got so bored with all these routines. If I could escape, I really would. One thing I notice about sales training is how the trainer would think that his method works for everybody. Role play is conducted and he would pin point the mistakes trainees would make and suggested this and that. I have gone through this boring rituals during the many training sessions I had with other companies. I hate it so much Diary. This whole thing is just so stupid.

I participated and I swore to myself that I never would want to go through this again. How I wish I would just have the money to start my own business. I am dying to get away from all these employment rituals. My trainer was not boring but I have noticed he can talk a lot. He cannot pronounce "r" and everytime there is a word that requires him to do so, the "r" in that word would be heard as an "l". Clearer becomes "clearler" and I just sit still in my chair looking at him blankly. You know Diary, growing up in Singapore I have noticed the Chinese who comes from Chinese speaking home are the ones who usually cannot pronounce "r" as how it is supposed to. It is common here and everybody knows that. I could not be bothered anyway, all I want is to get this over and done with. I am freaking fed up.

I do not want to do this anymore. Period.

Run The Race Like A Horse

Dear Diary,

I am having lunch by myself and the only virtual company I have right now is you, Hippo and Hello Kitty. It was raining heavily this morning as I woke up and that really made me wish that I would have more time to enjoy my sleep. Today's training is boring as usual and I am dying to talk myself to be patient. Friday's training was boring as well but I was not feeling it as I was focusing on the weekend. It is Monday today therefore I think I would have every reason to feel nothing but unenthusiastic about my job.

To make matters worst, on Friday I was attached to 2 ex staffs of the old bank I worked for and they have told me discouraging stories of this new bank. Yes, I have to admit I got turned off already and I am really waiting for the time for me to get away from all these distractions. Like me, they also quit for bigger monetary rewards but after 6 months in the new bank, nothing they wished for had been achieved by them. Well, it is subjective and I should not have let myself be distracted by their experiences but I am only human Diary. Oh well, never mind I think I will get by fine soon. I simply need to coach myself to last for 1-1.5 years here.

I can only pray to Allah to give me the patience. Right now, I guess patience and perseverance are the key ingredients for me to have. I have to run like a horse in a competition. The only thing I must see is the finishing line and that is all that matters. But really it is not easy for someone like me who says goodbye easily. I have live in a society that exists on instant roti pratas and canai, packaged cake mixes, frozen epok-epok, and instant cameras so I wonder if I can teach patience to myself? Now really, that is a tall order. But I supposed it is time for a change. Oh Diary, this is really bad for me. I can only wait and see. Praying is a must thing to do for me now. He is the only one I can turn to for help.

I got to go already. Talk to you later Diary.