Hello Diary,
Selamat malam. Hari ini aku lalui dengan penuh perasaan bosan. Bosan sehingga aku begitu menyampah dengan kerja baru aku. Tiap hari bila training aku langsung tidak ada semangat untuk kerja. Aku rasakan seolah olah masa yang aku habiskan untuk training adalah sangat membuang masa. Tidak ada dedicated trainer untuk kita jadi aku hanya perlu sampai ke office pada pukul 9 pagi dan tunggu sampai pukul 11 barulah trainer akan datang untuk melatihi kita. Pukul 12, waktu rehat sehingga pukul 2 dan kami harus tunggu sehingga pukul 4 barulah trainer akan datang lagi. Kita akan pulang pada pukul 530 atau 630. Begitulah routine harian kita. Aku sudah menyampah dengan routine ini tetapi aku terpaksa sebab aku tiada pilihan lagi.
Hari ini, trainer aku seperti ....ermm...Ya Allah....I am having some mental block to write in Malay. I guess I will be writing to you in English now. I wish I could write something in Malay but the words just would not come out. I am getting bored to the core and it has taken its toll on me. If I can do a miracle or if I can have just one wish, I would wish for 10 million dollars cash in my bank account so I will never be out of cash to start a business. If that business fails, then I will always have money to use as a start up capital. I will keep on trying until I have found a successful business.
Today's training started at 10 and ended at 6. The whole training session was only 4 hours. I was wondering, if this is the case why can't they just let us come in late and leave late or come in early and leave early. We were just sitting and idling like idiots and I hate it so much. The training was nothing about the products or systems. It was more of a sales workshops which will show your weaknesses or rather exposed you to scrutiny by the trainer. Of course this was done by the trainer at how well or bad you did in the role play.
I was 'attacked' today by the trainer and that made me feel lousy. I hate role play and I got sick of it after many changed of job session I have had. I despise it very much. The role play I did, I did not perform well because I was bored, sleepy and tired. Tell me, why would I even want to perform well at something which I do not like? Yes, I should have done this and I should have done that. Yeah yeah Mr Trainer, I heard you. Let us just see if the real situation would be the same like in the role play. On the surface, I seemed to be weak and not strong in my closing techniques. Oh Diary, like I have said I got turned off already and there I was having to do something which I do not fancy at all. Give me a break. I am not even sure if I want to perform or if I want to do it like how I did when I was in the old bank. I am simply bored to death right now. To expect something to remember from me is silly when I am in this mood.
I spent my idling time writing email to Broken Angel and playing games from my phone. Yes, thank God with the creation of smart phones, you will always have something to distract your attention from boredom. Times have changed our lifestyles and makes it progress into a better one. Smart phones can be a tool to save us from boredom but I am not sure if it can be a tool to save us from loneliness. I do not know Diary. When I am lonely, I always have you. The period when I became so lonely after the break up with Infinity, I had you but I never wrote to you. I supposed it was too painful to describe it in writing. However, the break up with Flying Babe made me wrote to you as often as I could. Perhaps the cause of the break up plays a part. I broke up with Infinity because well, let us just say she found someone better than I am while I broke up with Flying Babe because of my classic weaknesses with women.
Flying Babe made me realised my weaknesses. I knew I had it coming because I knew how much I have wish for someone like her to like me too. When she did, I became ecstatic and I fumbled and stumbled trying so hard to please and impress her. Little did I know that it did not make me stronger, I only grew weaker day by day. I was so shy with her. I was so afraid to show her my weaknesses thinking that she might get turned off with me. I swear to God I was so afraid of that. But it still happened. We did not last long but my love for her lasted for as long as it could until the day she found a new love. I moved on too and I am not sure what I have learnt from it.
I have distracted myself from love. I have managed to do it with the help of Hello Kitty. I try not to talk about it. I try to divert my focus into something else. Sometimes I think about it and reminisce about the loves of my life. I miss love but I am calm now and I suppose that is what makes me happy now. I do not want to dwell about the love that I have lost because it only makes me weaker and I can feel it in my heart, like a thud. I am a very fragile person when it comes to love. My temper is like a tiger's but my heart is soft like silk. I have to protect it from all the hurt. I have to shield it from all the pain. I simply have to come back to who I really am. The best day of my life is the one on which I decide my life is my own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it. This is the day my life really begins with the love from whom is willing to give, sincerely with no conditions and terms.
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