Am I Sick?

Dear Diary,

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital yesterday. The appointment was at a quarter past 2 but I was early. I registered myself and waited for my number to be called. The doctor who served me was a female doctor and that made me feel rather delightful. 

I have always prefer a female doctor. It is probably because I am a lesbian. The doctor interviewed me and I answered her. She made me go through some test. I went for the blood test, sputum test and another chest x ray. 

It cost me close to two hundred dolars. That was after government subsidy, imagine if it were without subsidy. People say, you are better off dead than sick in Singapore. I suppose they are right. 

The result came out today and there are three possibilities. The doctor asked me to go for a ct scan and she will call me tomorrow for the appointment. 

I am tired Diary. She said the last possibility is lung cancer. The first two could be lung infection and tubercolosis. I do not want to think about it. 

Stay Calm and Collected

Dear Diary,

I have not written for a long time. I want you to know that I have not forgotten about you. I never have and I never will. I have been working and I have been busy with work and family. I spend my time with my parents in Tangkak at least one weekend in a month. I am with a new company for almost three months now. It has been good although I do feel like quitting at times. My heart is still not in Singapore you know. It is somewhere else where I know will make me feel happy internally.

I have gone for a medical check up for the new company. They have found something unusual in the x-ray result. It is in my lung. I have been referred to a lung specialist on 4th June. I was scared when they broke the news to me but I am not anymore. Perhaps I have grown old enough to accept whatever comes to me. I have not been diagnose yet so I will use the time to appreciate life I guess. I have stopped smoking although I have to admit I discreetly smoke a stick occassionally.

The doctors asked if I have any family members diagnosed with cancer. I said yes. I was calm. I did not show any reactions. It is still too early to speculate. I have not lost weight drastically. Yes, I have been coughing for over three months now. And sometimes I have difficulty breathing. At the initial stage, there was wheezing sound when I breathe. The wheezing sound is gone now. The cough is still around but it is not that chronic. I have been down with fever many times since the cough started. It comes and goes. I have been drinking plenty of water since this new job. It is a desk bound job so it is easy for me.

I am good Diary. I feel good. I do not feel like I am sick or something although I feel that my body is weak at times. But I am only feeling that because I am feverish. So it is the fever that makes me weak, is it not? Oh...never mind Diary. I am strong I know. I am just remembering my late brother in moments like this. *sighs* Nine years have past Diary. We still do not talk about it. I avoid talking about him with my parents as I know I will break down. It is fine I know but not infront of my parents. I have to be strong for them.

I am keeping this news to myself. None of my family knows about this. Like I said, it is too early to be thinking anything. Even if I have been diagnose, be it good or bad, I have decided to keep it to myself. I am not sure what they are going to do with me at the hospital. The only thing to determine what is in my lung is through the MRI scan. I supposed that is what they will do. I hope they will do that and diagnosed me finally. The waiting and guessing are killing me softly.....

Happy Birthday To Me

Dear Diary,

Happy birthday to me....This is the gift I bought for myself....I am enjoying it!

Exciting Thursday

Dear Diary,

It is Thursday. I have an interview appointment today at 5pm. I am excited and nervous. Wish me luck ok. I have started to learn how to handle Forex psychology. I do not sit infront of my laptop and watch the chart 24/7 a day anymore. I am finally beginning to understand the messages of my mentor. All these while, I have been confused but I understood him eventually. There are a lot to say but I will save it for tonight. 

I am in a rush. I will talk to you again. Take care Diary.

Aku Pergi Dulu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini mungkin adalah hari sedih untuk aku. Tidah tahu mengapa tetapi aku sedih. Aku tidak tahu apa yang patut aku lakukan. Mungkin dibiarkan sahaja lebih baik daripada mencuba apa apa sahaja untuk memulihkan keadaan. Pernah aku berkata, biar tak berkasih, biar tak berkawan, asalkan jangan hancur hati. Ketahuilah teman, aku ini seorang manusia yang paling susah untuk difahami. Untuk memahami aku kau perlukan sebuah 'skill' yang tinggi. Panas baranku setanding singa liar di dalam hutan. Jikalau aku marah, aku terus sahaja menyerang dan menyerbu tanpa usul periksa dahulu. 

Aku memang bukan seorang teman yang senang. Kalau aku berpacaran, paling lama ia boleh bertahan selama 2 tahun dan lepas itu ada sahaja yang akan menjadikan hubungan itu putus. Umur sudah meningkat begini tetapi aku masih disini mencari sedikit restu dari orang sekeliling. Aku tidak pernah puas dengan apa yang aku ada. Itulah apa yang pernah kau ungkapkan. Ya, mungkin betul. Aku banyak mengeluh. Itu juga yang apa engkau ungkapkan. Ya, aku setuju. Hari ini, aku membuat keputusan yang agak besar. Aku lebih baik bersendiri. Ini supaya tidak ada lagi rasa rasa tidak sedap diantara kita. Aku sendiri menghadapi kesukaran memahami diriku apatah lagi wahai engkau, teman. 

Dengan ibu bapaku, aku pun begini. Apabila marah, susah sekali aku mengawal keadaan diri aku. Pinggan akan dihempas, mulut begitu lantang aku bersuara. Keluar segala kata kata yang tidak sedap didengar. Aku masih mencuba. Aku tidak pernah berhenti mencuba tetapi aku harus mengaku ianya sukar untuk aku berubah. Hatiku begitu sensitif tetapi amarahku terlalu besar untuk aku dan ego ku juga sama besar seperti Singapura. 

Aku tidak bangga dengan diri ini. Jadi, aku tidak hairan jikalau engkau sudah hilang rasa hormat kepada aku. Semua silap bermula dari aku. Aku yang harus engkau salahkan. Mungkin hati ini hanya ingin berteman, tetapi naluri seorang lesbian di dalam diri ini begitu kuat untuk aku lawan pada masa itu. Hari ini aku kehilangan seorang kawan dan hari ini juga aku kehilangan seorang kekasih. Dua orang yang baik dalam hidup aku. Aku tidak mencuba untuk mempertahankan. Mungkin aku penat. Mungkin engkau akan lebih memahami kenapa. 

Dengan keadaan diri, aku pun sudah hilang semangat. Apa yang aku inginkan belum lagi tercapai. Masih jauh perjalanan aku wahai teman. Aku sangkakan sudah akan dicapai, tetapi masih belum lagi. Susah sekali...semangatku sedikit goyang sekarang. Harapanku sudah tipis. Aku masih memulihkan diri dari berasa kecewa. Mungkin itu juga sebabnya aku berkasar dengan engkau teman. Dengan engkau sahaja aku boleh lepaskan sebab aku rapat dengan engkau. Tidak ada rasa segan silu lagi dengan engkau. Terlalu selesa bersama engkau hingga tiada batasnya untuk aku menjadi diri aku yang sebenar. Maafkan aku teman. Aku terlupa engkau juga ada perasaan yang harus aku jaga. Selama ini hanya perasaan aku yang diutamakan. Cuai sekali aku. Mungkin tiada lagi kasih sayang atau pun cinta. Tetapi engkau lah teman yang aku selesa bersama. 

Engkau pandai melayan kerenah aku. Terasa kehilangan di waktu waktu genting ini apabila ianya sudah dirasmikan. Masa masa yang aku ada...aku akan hanya membuat apa yang patut aku buat. Masih cuba membaiki skill aku dalam Forex. Masih cuba mencapai cita cita aku. Satu hari teman.....aku tahu aku akan capai juga apa aku inginkan. Memang aku penat, tapi aku tidak pernah berputus asa. Kadang kala aku berehat sebentar tapi aku tidak pernah berhenti. Sama macam apabila aku mendaki gunung. Matlamat aku untuk sampai di atas. Susah sekali teman...tatpi aku selalu berjaya. 

Ya, sekarang kau sudah tiada lagi. Tapi aku masih ada cita cita. Ini lebih baik teman...aku pun sangat rasa bersalah kerana asyik mengasari engkau, berbahasa kesat kepada engkau. Semua amarah aku dilepaskan begitu senang kepada engkau. Maafkan aku teman....aku mahu berhenti berasa bersalah. Engkau tidak patut dilayan begitu. Semuanya salah aku ya teman. Jangan sesekali engkau fikirkan engkau tidah cukup bagus atau tidak sempurna untuk aku. Aku sahaja yang tidak pernah puas atau bersyukur dengan apa yang diberi kepadaku.  

Aku susah melupakan kisah lama. Aku susah menutup buku lama. Aku masih meridukan waktu waktu dulu. Aku sebenarnya hidup di zaman silam. Engkau tahu itu semua, tetapi engkau diam dan biarkan sahaja. Kesabaranmu sungguh aku kagumi teman. Aku tidak ada kesabaran seperti engkau. Aku bukan seorang yang penyabar. Patut aku pelajari sikap sabarmu itu. Mungkin sudah lambat ya wahai teman. Ya...mungkin sudah lambat....aku banyak membuat kesilapan terhadapmu. Bukan dengan engkau sahaja, dengan teman teman aku yang lain juga...aku harus pergi sekarang. Ingat ya teman...ini bukan salah engkau. Aku telah menipu keadaan. Aku pergi sekarang.   

   

Trying To Keep It Simple

Dear Diary,

I have closed all my open positions yesterday. I had 21 opened positions in all and it was making my account looked messy. All of them were losses. *winks* They came up to about $1,500 loss. Now you get what I mean when it comes to Forex? Win or lose, you decide. Many experienced traders said, keep your losses smaller than your profit and keep your profits bigger than your losses. I have not done that. I tried but the market was always not in my favour. Oh no....it is not that actually, I did not make the right decision when I opened my positions. Oh well...fuck it!

We cannot get emotional when we trade they say...oh well, fuck it! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! There you go. How was that Diary? La la la la la...... look how emotional I get when this is simply my demo account. A lot of other factors are contributing to my emotional outburst today. There are a lot of things. People around me became my targets. I snap and I snap at them mercilessly. I try so hard to be good at the things I do. It is not Forex. It is something else. I don't know what I have done. Ironically, I don't know if that is really what I want. 

I am sorry for being a bitch girlfriend to you Hello Kitty. Love is too much for me to handle. 

You Cannot Beat The Market

Dear Diary,

I have been practicing Forex for 2 weeks now and I have made more profits than losses. But....if I were to close my current open positions now, I would be making more losses than profits. Get it? It means, I have opened positions that I thought would be in my favour. Perhaps I was wrong or there is not supposed to be any perhaps at all. I was simply wrong because I still do not know how to read the charts. Not yet, perhaps?

How are you my dear Diary? You have been the person I speak to mostly. All the times, I always have you to speak to about my predicaments. You have not grown tired of me, have you? I bet you have not. I am good here, Alhamdulillah. I am officially out of job and I am still waiting for the result of my jobs applications and interviews. Right now, I am not sure if I want to take a full time job or not. My mind is on Forex and I want to master it. On the contrary, I have to pay my bills and put food on the table. We will see what I will do next ok. Sit tight and enjoy the roller coaster ride with me Diary. 

I have been reading too much perhaps, because right now I am simply confuse with my trading strategies. All these while, I practice trading Forex like a day trader. It means I came into the market today and I came out of the market today; same day trading. Same day trading has to be done with you sitting infront of your laptop or pc and watch the charts go up and down and you have to make a quick decision whether to enter the market or not. That was what I did. Whenever I entered into a position, I usually close that position after I make $1 profit the least. Most of the times it is like that. I did it often. At a time, I could be trading 5 to 10 contracts. If I make a profit of $1 per contract, that would be $10 for 10 contracts. For that kind of profit, I do not have to stay long in the market. I stay for 5-15 mins and exit once I made that profit. They are not very significant, but I still make profit and most importantly, I do not make a loss. 

For the past 2 weeks, this is the trading strategy I have followed. Although I have left some positions open until today, this is the strategy that I have gotten comfortable with. However, this kind of strategy usually makes a trader refuses to leave his laptop/pc. It can become addictive and unhealthy. You are so engrossed in your trade that you do not have time to do anything else. 

I came across a website of this long time Australian Forex trader. He writes a lot about Forex trading in his blog and I assumed he is a professional trader. Now, his advises are to trade Forex like a sniper instead of a machine gunner. It means, open a position and let it be in the market for awhile so you can let the profit grow. He advises to use the longer time frame charts instead of the shorter time frame charts because longer time frame charts are more accurate. There are more to say about his methods but I have noticed that most of the experienced traders especially the ones in the Europe prefer to trade with the longer time frame charts. that means, they stay in the market for quite sometime before they pull out of the market. 

I am practicing the latter strategy now and I am a little bit discourage. You see, I am an impatient bitch when it comes to get things done. I like to see my profit margin rises quickly instead of having to wait for days or weeks to see it rise. I prefer actions and adrenaline pumping activities instead of knitting or gardening. It does not suit my personality. But...they said it is safer and that is the correct technique of trading if you want to be professional. I am confuse, really I am. And that is why I have 21 open positions now. Hahaha.....

But, I am not feeling anything about it because this is simply a demo account. I am trying to get it right Diary. Most importantly, I am looking at what are the best trading strategies that suit me. It takes practice, experience, experiment, discipline and patience. It is just two weeks. I still have a long way to go. The video that I have posted below, says a lot about Forex trading. You just cannot beat the market. If you think you cannot make a decision or a forecast of the market, then don't trade for that day. Wait for another day because the market opens 24 hrs a day five days a week. Do not simply trade simply because you want to trade. It is all up to you. Nobody can make you a good trader except yourself. From now on, I simply want to keep it simple. I will choose a strategy that suits my personality. 

Forex Trading Psychology

ok....i get it...

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody (Boyce Avenue feat. Hannah Trigwell acousti...

The beauty with a pretty voice.........*melts*

Forex Will Be My Support

Dear Diary,

How have you been? I am fine except that my cough is getting worst. My chest hurts when I cough. My throat hurts when I swallowed my saliva. Eeuuu...hahaha well who does not swallow his saliva? Everybody does. In fact we might end up swallowing our partner's saliva too after we kiss. *grins*

I have not taken any medicine for my cough because all the medicines mostly make me feel groggy and sleepy. I do not like to spend my time sleeping too much when I am not working. I feel that time is wasted. I spend my time watching the market nowadays. I study the trend and I learnt how to read the charts and predict where the direction of the market is going. I am not good yet, in fact I am far from good. I have made a profit of $279.82 (as I am writing to you) in my demo account. I have so many things to learn about Forex. I am excited and I am waiting for the right time to open a real live account. There are people who started small and there are who started big. I have heard a few who only started with as little as $100. I suppose it all depends on how much you want to risk.

I am thinking of $3000 just so I could trade comfortably without worrying about insufficient margin and equity. I am still doing some reading on margins and equity. I know what they mean but I just need to know how much is enough if I leave open positions overnight for so many days. What is the ideal ratio I should invest out of my capital. The stuffs like that are important to me because I have not mastered chart reading techniques yet. As of now, I have about 16 open positions which I still cannot close because the market is going against me. Perhaps I was excited that I overlooked the logic of Forex trading when I opened those positions. I have left them opened for 6 days now. I am still waiting for the market to be in my favour to close those 16 positions. Oh Diary, my profit has risen to $285.27 now. 

I opened a few positions while writing to you and managed to close them within 30 minutes. If you had noticed, my profits are not big at all but I do not mind because I am at a learning process. To make consistent profits is my priority. Yes, I can make big profits provided I play it big and with many contracts/lots at a time. I have not done that yet. I am looking around for a free seminar on Forex. There is one tonight but I missed it because I did not register earlier. 

Oh yeah, I went for the interview at the bank yesterday. I do not know if I stand any chance of getting the job but the interviewer was so damn nice and polite. She was so soft spoken and kind. She did not ask me any questions on my previous experiences. I am simply confused actually. She did not even ask me for my identification card to cross check with my resume and application form. It makes me think that this interview was too easy. Really it was. I did not see any other candidates when I was there. I was the only one. Oh never mind...I am not stress out. I know I have Forex to fall back on if I do not have a job. I simply have to open a real account earlier than expected I think

I have other plans now, to be in a business is still in it but I guess I have to put it off for now. I supposed it is better for me to use the savings I have for the stall to invest in Forex and make my money grow while broaden my knowledge and sharpen my trading skills. At least five years from now, I can see how much I have progress in Forex if I never stop learning and trading it. I know this is the thing that I have been looking for. Business is still a business, but Forex is something else. You can do it alone all by yourself. You get what I mean Diary? 

Ps: Dear FB...If I am good at it, perhaps it is for you. 

Good Morning Monday

Dear Diary,

It is Monday. I am on the train to work. This morning the Forex market opens again and I began my trading again. The market opens from Monday to Friday 24 hrs a day. That is a good thing because it gives us traders the opportunities to make or lose money round the clock. Hahaha....my demo account has been generating profits. They are not big but on the average I make about $50 profit daily. I have yet to master the techniques and the trading platform. 

I suppose the things I have to master first are the common Forex trading jargons and terms. Also, I have to know what are their functions. I think I have found the most suitable way to grow my money and be cash rich. It is not too early to say because I know with Forex, you surely can make lots of money and vice versa. It depends on how you trade though. That is why experienced Forex traders always emphasized on the correct techniques. 

I have been chatting up with an old acquaintance just the other day. Ohh I do not know what to say about it but that conversations somehow has an impact on me. Oh Diary....things changed and let alone people. 

Catch you later Diary.

I Am Healthy

Dear Diary,

I went to the polyclinic and got my chest x-rayed. The result was good. Nothing is wrong with me, at least for now. The coughing got worsened and I have not been taking any medicine. I do not like to take the medicine cos it will make me groggy and sleepy. I hate that. The only thing I have taken is panadols. The pounding headache is killing me and I had to. 

The x-ray cost me another $22 and that made it $66 for two days sick leave. Fuck it. I am trading Forex nowadays; demo account that is. I am not ready to open a real live trading account. I am practising my skills and yes I have made a profit of $133 after a five day practice. I am still not good at it but I have had some basic knowledge of trading. I used to trade silver 12 years ago and the basics are still the same. Buy Low, Sell High or Sell High, Buy Low. 

I see the potential Diary. I think this is even better than having a food stall. This is a business better than a business. You do not need to pay rent for a business premise, no need to pay salaries for staffs as you do not need any and there is no overhead really. You just have to pump in some cital to start trading and make money. But, Forex is not all about making money, you can lose money too if you make the wrong decisions. 

With the money I have, I am comfortable to trade. Not yet actually, I will only open a real live trading account when I know I am good enough to go. This is real money Diary. We are talking about  the possibility of turning USD $3000 into USD$300,000. By when? I do not know but in Forex anything is possible including the other way around. So make sure you know what you are doing before you trade. I have decided I am gonna work a while more until I am good at Forex. I am going back to the banking industry and trade Forex at home or perhaps anywhere. I have installed the mobile trading platform on my iPad. Diary, this is good, this is really good. I have so much to talk about it. 

Oh yes, I have an interview this Tuesday with a bank. Wish me luck.