the meeting of two old friends

Dear diary,
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it has been a busy week for me. I have been going out so often that I haven’t been studying. First of all, I met with an old friend. Do you know who she is? She is kancil and we haven’t met for a long time and it was a good thing to meet. When I saw her, she was wearing the tudung and baju kurung. She looked sweet and it was a pleasant sight to see her in that attire. I figured she was only in that kind of attire because of her job. It's been awhile since we met and when we meet I had this feeling of comfort probably because I have known her long enough to be feeling cosy.

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Kancil has put on a little weight. She was thin the last time I saw her but this time, although she has not fall under the fat people category, she does seem a little fatter than before although it was not that obvious. She cut her hair short and she’s still the same person that I know. Nothing much about her is new. She’s still with the same girl, basically the same job and same car except for her hair and the extra weight she has gain. I like being around her, I just feel that we share the same wavelength and it makes me easier to interact with her. We talked a lot about things from the most nonsense to the most intellectually challenged topics. I teased her many times and I guess she just got so used to me.

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I often wonder when do I ever get the chance to make her mine. I just don’t seem to have any luck with her you know. She’s always with someone and I just draw a transparent line between herself and myself to remind myself of the barrier that I have to watch out. It tells me not to get too carried away with the teasing and the naughty and cheeky remarks I threw at her. It reminds me to behave myself whenever I am alone with her. You just have to do that sometimes you know.

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You know diary, I often thought of myself as boring but to my surprise kancil is even more boring than I thought. It’s not like she has turned me off or anything like that. I swear that I will be very comfortable with kancil if she were mine but I just couldn’t figure out that she almost doesn’t do anything for fun. I asked her to go for movie, she refused. She told me she’s not a movie buff and then I tried karaoke, she refused giving me the excuse that she doesn’t sing. I haven’t gave up on her and asked if she wanted to bowl, oh my god, can you believe that she doesn’t bowl as well? I wonder what does she ever do for fun?

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I began to see the real her and I just realised that there are other people who are worse than you ever imagine. Those would probably be the weaknesses that kancil might have and I guess going steady with her would mean that you just have to accept her as a whole package, the weaknesses and strengths. I guess that’s how people have to accept me as well. Nobody’s perfect and as long as you feel comfortable and happy with somebody I guess that’s enough. She brought me to her home and her two cats and 4 kittens welcomed me and mind you, the welcome ceremony includes the whole package which came with the smell as well. Her house is big and spacious and I noticed that she doesn’t like to do housework. You know diary, she might probably hates me after this cos she reads you diary. She is probably one of my loyal fan I should say. A loyal fan that I can never have. Anyway I enjoy her companionship and I look forward to going out with her again.

how are you diary?

dear diary,

how has it been for you? i hope you are well and fine. i am not very fine here and i hate to feel this way. i am sleepy because i have been sleep deprived and i feel so lousy. i have never felt this way before so i really don't know what's going on inside me.it is hard to explain diary so i have decided to let it be. probably it will go away soon.

oh diary...i met with big sister last night with wira. we went out for supper and i found out more about ash and her girlfriend. now i have second thoughts of moving in with them. it's complicated and i can get into trouble if i am not careful living with them.i got to go diary.

i will talk to you later.
bye.

is the lonely bug getting to me?

Dear diary,

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do you remember russia? I haven’t been talking to her regularly and she hasn’t text me or asked how have I been since I moved to KL. I received a text message from her the other day not asking how was I doing or anything of that sort but instead she asked if she could borrow any laptop. I was kind of offended but I decided that she’s not really worth my attention. I never really respect her anymore, in fact I have lost total respect for her.

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I used to think that she is matured and sensitive but I just found out that I was wrong. You know diary, I am not being petty but I just thought she would have at least the decent courtesy to ask my well being before asking to borrow my laptop. It hurts you know when someone do that to you especially coming from an ex girlfriend. And guess what, she just text me and asked what will I be doing tonight. She offered to meet but asked me if I could travel all the way to Cempaka LRT. Imagine this, if she jolly well knows that I am not independently mobile don’t ever asked if she could meet at 11pm and asked me to travel all the way to cempaka LRT at such hour. That was so fucking offensive coming from someone who knows your situations. I don’t mind travelling on my own but not at such hour. She should have known better and thought about it all before asking if we could meet. That really sounds like her and I knew I never can ask her for any favour.

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As far as I am concern, she’s been erased from my Aidilfitri’s card list. I had a bad day yesterday diary and I felt so angry. I went out to a movie with my coursemate and when the movie is over, she had to leave cos she had to meet her friends. I didn’t mind at all cos I didn’t feel comfortable with her. She’s just way too loud and noisy and I hate loud and noisy people. I would rather be alone than being with her. So I called ash and asked if we could hang out. She said ok and I waited for her. She didn’t take long cos her workplace is where I went for the movie. Anyway, I got the free tickets from her and so it is very logical to ask for her company. We just decided to have ice cream when her girlfriend called and probably demanded her to come home immediately. I suspected that her girlfriend knew ash was with me and somehow they got into a bit of a quarell. That’s what I don’t understand about her girlfriend. It is not like she hasn’t met me. We hung out together once when I came to KL for a visit and she even brought me to Lorong Haji Taib for whatever reasons you could think of. If it was jealousy then I really couldn’t figure out why.

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I didn’t try to come on to ash, I just enjoy her company because I feel very comfortable with her. After ash left me, I called wira and she said she could meet me but in 2 hours time. I waited for her alone and entertained myself window shopping and browsing for sandals. I got a call from her and was told she couldn’t come because she had to fetch her girlfriend and her girlfriend didn’t want to hang out because she’s just too tired. I got a bit pissed but I thought it’s just not worth it. I told her it’s okay and I just went home after that. It was late and I just brave myself taking the public transport alone.

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I didn’t want to take the cab cos I just want to play safe and not risking my own safety. Chicken pie added another misery to my life yesterday. She asked if I wanted to join her to ipoh for a day trip. I just figured, why not since I have nothing to do. I accepted her offer and text her just to confirm the time we will leave. It took so long for her to reply so I decided to give her a call. She apologised for not replying and broke the news to me that her boss will be joining the trip and I knew what she meant by that. I got so dissapointed and turned off with chicken pie many times already.

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There are just many things she does that often makes me got annoyed with her. It’s just too many and I got sick and tired of her. At times, I am dissapointed with her and got kind of sad with how she treats me. It hurts doesn’t it diary? Probably I am better off being alone than having people around me that are not helpful, probably I am just being too sensitive, probably I just want to have a girlfriend…so I won’t be lonely anymore because I have to admit to you and the world that I am lonely…it’s not a shame to admit that you are lonely isn’t it diary?

unbreak my heart...

Dear diary,

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I went out to mid valley this afternoon and bought myself a long mirror. My mirror broke into pieces the other day so I was left with only the face mirror. Having a long mirror is a necessity to me. At least it helps you see how you will look like to the public’s eyes. If you feel good and happy with the way you look, it boosts your confidence level. I bought a cheaper one this time because I learnt my lesson and do not want to waste money unnecessarily anymore.

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The mirror I bought today does not come with a stand so I just have to figure out how do I want it to be positioned. I bought myself a pair of shoes today and some toiletries. There is a promotion going on at watson where you get to purchase a second item at RM1 after you have purchase the first item at the usual price. Though the promotion does not apply to all of the items but it’s quite useful for students. I bought toothpaste and I believe I have chosen the right item. Actually that is the only item I can find which is most suitable for me to make purchases at watson. The shoes that I bought is by Carlo Rino. You know I have been searching for shoes since last week and you know how particular I am when it comes to footwear. I was beginning to think that it is so difficult to get a pair of decent shoes here when I saw a pair this afternoon that attracted my attention. They are nice and fits my taste. Can you believe that I was alone just now? My main intention was to go out and buy myself a pair of shoes and a long mirror. When I got there, I had second thoughts on buying the long mirror cos I was worried I couldn’t carry it all by myself since I had other stuffs to carry as well. I was just about to go home when I saw the abundant supply of cabs queuing outside for passengers.

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The pair of shoe was not really heavy but it was bulky and the stuffs from watson added on to the size of my shopping bags. I went back inside the mall and organised my stuffs. When I had everything in one bag, I went to search for the mirror. There’s a hardware store in mid valley where I bought my first long mirror. I got myself one that has a quite reasonable price tag and made my way to the payment counter. It was light so I really had no problem carrying it together with my other shopping bags. I hailed a cab and got home in one piece.Russia called and asked if I could meet after I got home. She apologised to me and said she didn’t mean to make it sound like she was trying to inconvenience me when she asked to meet last night. I told her it was nothing and said it’s really no big deal.

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We met and this time she came to my place and I brought her to eat at the place nearby. There was really nothing much to talk. I literally talked less and let my mind wandered to wherever it wanted to go. Russia talked a lot and I just figured that she did that because she I talked less. She did asked about my well being and my love life. I didn’t answer her more than ten words most of the times. But we did have conversations just now except that I never answered her at length when she asked about my love life. I didn’t see any reasons why should I. You know diary, I have noticed something about myself and that is, I am always lazy to talk about my personal life to people. I can write to you but if you asked me to tell or talk to you about my love life, I will probably pass. But if you want to have a mind boggling and challenging conversations, I am all game.

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I prefer to talk about current issues, about topics which makes the brain works. Russia really talked a lot just now and I think she got the idea that I was bored to death from the body language I showed her and the expressions I had on my face. She has someone new now diary and it has been a year. Thinking back, my brother passed away on 1st july and we broke up probably in august. It is september now and after doing my mathematics, it seems that she barely waited for a month before she found someone new after we broke up. It was a lucky thing I remembered to ask her how long has it been when she has that someone new. She told me a year and that confirms my assumption that she was literally being ‘naughty’ behind my back and that enforces my belief that breaking up with her was a good thing to do. I did not feel angry with her when she told me about her girlfriend but I was rather surprised and sad. I was probably hurt too but I can handle that. We haven’t met since we broke up and after meeting for the first time in one year, she had to tell me she’s attached and started spilling details about her girlfriend to me.

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I sat there listening to every details about her girlfriend. There I was alone and far from home and my family for the first time. I am lonely and homesick, sleepy and still trying to get over my brother’s death when I had to sit infront of an ex girlfriend listening to her talking about her girlfriend and what she is planning to do with her in the future. Do you have the slightest idea of what I felt at that time diary? It’s really sad you know…but really there’s nothing much that I can do except to listen to her. Honestly, if I were her, I would break the news to my ex girlfriend that I am attached but I wouldn’t go to the extent telling every details because I know somehow it will hurt my ex girlfriend.

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I told you russia can be immatured most of the times. I really couldn’t think of any reasons why she tells all except the fact that she is excited about this new life she is going through with this new person, well…she’s not new to russia anymore but she is new to me at least. I felt that she did not respect me as her ex girlfriend just now but I was telling myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. You cannot expect things to be like before after a break up. I walked home just now instead of having her to send me back to my hostel. She was not really familiar with the routes here. She text me after that apologising if she had hurt me in any way by telling me stuffs about her girlfriend. I replied her back diplomatically.

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The truth is diary, I was already in a sad mood when I met her because my brother’s death kept coming back to me and she made it worse. I have to admit to you I am more sad now than then. It hurts but I am not crying because I knew I never loved her. I just enjoyed her presence because russia made me feel safe and secured whenever I was with her and she still does but now that I knew she has someone else that she is so excited about, I might just dissapear from her life. I have done that and probably I will do that again. It’s not jealousy, anger or frustrations but I am just sad beyond descriptions now and only God knows why I am sad. I keep feeling very sad nowadays without any concrete reasons. I haven’t gone home since the day the immigration took my passport away and I guess I am homesick and I miss my family very much. I miss my late brother diary…I just miss him so much…help me bring him back to me…please…I am slowly breaking up inside…I know it..please diary….please…. help me please…

help me keep my faith

Dear diary,

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I have been feeling sad lately and I am still finding the reasons why. I feel so disturbed for the past few days and if only I knew what have been bothering me. Do you know that I have not been praying since I came here? There are so many good things that I have not been practising since living in the hostel. I have tried but I failed. Perhaps having a roomate with a different faith keeps me from praying.

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That is not an excuse but that is how I feel about the whole thing. I have asked her if it is okay for me to pray. She doesn’t mind and I could have prayed like how I prayed while I was back home if I wanted to. I didn’t cos I always have this feeling of discomfort when a non-Muslim sees me pray. I just don’t know how to explain to you diary but I hope you understand. I have been thinking about my late brother so often that I cannot help myself from feeling even more sad. I went out with a friend and she asked me about him and I cried while talking about him. It was the first time that I cried infront of someone.

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I swear to God that I didn’t want to but I just couldn’t help it. I have talked about his death to people who want to know but I have always managed to gain my composure. But that time, I failed and I felt so sad that I literally felt it in my heart. I was so sad beyond description and I felt so sinful, so worthless and cruel. I kept thinking about how he had died right infront of me and all the things that I have said to him, oh god…please have mercy on me. If I could just do a miracle, I would have turn back the time and treat him with total respect, care and love.

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I love him diary, I love him so much but I didn’t really showed it to him. All I did was to ignore him and belittle his capabilities. I was such a fucking bitch toward him. Everytime I prayed, I always say the prayers as a gift for him but since I haven’t been praying lately, I feel so empty inside, like living life without a purpose. Perhaps I am getting a little reminder from up above to get back on the right track. I miss my family and home. I have always wanted to do this but I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel so lonely sometimes but it is not like I am not used to it.

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I have always been reserved and I like doing things alone but I felt okay when I was in singapore. I just feel so much different here. It is probably because it is a totally new environment for me and perhaps I just need sometime to adjust. Living here is totally a new experience for me and I need time to feel really comfortable. Having friends and knowing lots of people here are insufficient without myself feeling safe and steady. I cannot depend on people so much because each of them have their own commitments and responsibilities. I wonder if what I am feeling right now will go away once I have moved to a new house. I really don’t know diary.

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For the first time in my life, I feel so lost and dependent on external factors to make me happy. I have lost a little of my self confidence and I need to find means to boost it back. I need to be the independent woman I have always been and known to be.

finding my home...

Dear diary,

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I might be moving to a new house with ash and I can’t wait for the day to come. I feel excited about the idea having an opportunity to live on my own in a place I can call my home. Living in the hostel does not work for me because I feel so suffocated here. I hate the environment and the people here. I often imagine if I have a place on my own, I would cook myself a sumptuous dinner, watch the TV as long as I like, do my laundry without having to worry if I have enough coins to feed the washing machine so that it can spin and wash my clothes and I can do whatever I like at home.

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The place where I might be living is far from my school but that is no concern to me cos I am not going to study there forever. I might change to a new school in a year or two’s time. This school is fine to me but I just don’t feel comfortable studying in it. There are so many reasons why is that so but I just would like to keep my thoughts reserved to myself.

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I have asked ash if her girlfriend is okay about me being her future housemate. I just have to make sure if she is fine with the idea of ash living with her ex girlfriend. Well, nobody can deny that we have had a history before and it’s kinda risky living in with your ex girlfriend and it can be worrying for her current girlriend.

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Somehow I feel that ash is not telling me the truth but I chose not to push her anymore. As long as she has answered my question regardless whether it is the truth or not, that suffices to me. I meet ash regularly and we often text each other when we are free. She always have time for me even if meeting me would create a small fight between her girlfriend and she. I feel bad sometimes. I was out with her this afternoon and we were just planning to treat ourselves to ice cream when her girlfriend called.

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While we were walking, she was so busy with her mobile phone sending short messages to only god knows who. She called me and I knew she’s going to give me a bad news. She told me she had to leave cos her girlfriend was waiting for her at a place nearby. As much as I wanted her to stay, I couldn’t stop her so I let her leave. She seemed to be feeling guilty about it all. Even after she has left me, she text me and apologised. I really didn’t mind actually but what bothers me is, did her girlfriend hate the idea of ash and I going out together? I really don’t know diary, but I just hope ash and her girlfriend do not fight because of me. I should probably just lay low from ash for awhile.

welcome to being single again

Dear diary,

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you have to help me figure out if I was just being impatient or realistic. I have told little sister that it is not working out between us. She didn’t seem sad or perhaps she was but she just did a good job to camouflage her sadness. I really don’t know if the news had hit her hard. It’s only been 3 months and I have already feel so lost and empty. She did told me once that I might be feeling like how I was feeling going steady with her but I ignored her warning. The thing about little sister is, she doesn’t tell me everything nowadays and I don’t tell her everything too.

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We just stopped communicating and I really don’t know what’s the latest developments in her life. It’s very different with her you know. I don’t get the attention that I need. I feel abandoned and wasted. She’s not the kind of girlfriend where I can easily call to hang out with or to go for late supper. She’s just not like that. I am here alone and I need all the support that I can get but it seems that I am not getting it from her.

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There are many things that I wanted to tell you diary but I am not sure if it is the right thing. You have to understand that I am alone here and having a girlfriend, I expect her to give me all the support she possibly can. Little sister is not very mobile cos her every move is being monitored and watched. Going steady with her is like going steady with a prisoner. We can hardly meet each other let alone spend time together. I knew i had this coming but I just ignored the facts because yes, I love her like a little sister and knowing her health conditions, I somehow thought and believe that I have to give in to her.

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I love her diary and sometimes I just hope that she would understand my position being away from home and family, I have to depend on her at least for a couple of matters. There are many things that I wished I could do with her. When I walk to school or when I go to the mall, I often think of her and wished I could just go to the mall with her or go lunch and dinner with her. I just want to have a normal lifestyle with my girlfriend but I did not get it from little sister because of her situations. I am sad and felt a bit neglected but I kept telling myself that’s the risk I have to take if I wanted to go steady with her. I really don’t know diary, it’s so difficult like this.

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She did make an effort to meet me and we have met even though it was only less than 30 minutes. She brought someone with her and we really did not have any privacy. I feel so sad actually but I have been keeping it inside. I told her that if things are going to be like this, I might as well go back being single. At least the pain is still bearable because if I do things alone, I know I have to do them alone because I am single. Knowing the fact that you are attached but still have to do everything alone is a thought that no one can tolerate for a long time. We are all humans with tolerance level that is not sky high. I am no saint neither am I an angel. I don’t want to do the stuffs that will only make people be happy when it actually hurting me inside.

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I wish…I just wish that I am back to myself full of poise and self-reliance. I feel that those qualities are slowly diminishng from myself and I am scared. I think that’s because I haven’t got comfortable living here yet. Perhaps I will get all the confidence I need soon. It doesn’t matter from where, so long as I am back to my ordinary self, I will be thankful and grateful.