is the lonely bug getting to me?

Dear diary,

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do you remember russia? I haven’t been talking to her regularly and she hasn’t text me or asked how have I been since I moved to KL. I received a text message from her the other day not asking how was I doing or anything of that sort but instead she asked if she could borrow any laptop. I was kind of offended but I decided that she’s not really worth my attention. I never really respect her anymore, in fact I have lost total respect for her.

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I used to think that she is matured and sensitive but I just found out that I was wrong. You know diary, I am not being petty but I just thought she would have at least the decent courtesy to ask my well being before asking to borrow my laptop. It hurts you know when someone do that to you especially coming from an ex girlfriend. And guess what, she just text me and asked what will I be doing tonight. She offered to meet but asked me if I could travel all the way to Cempaka LRT. Imagine this, if she jolly well knows that I am not independently mobile don’t ever asked if she could meet at 11pm and asked me to travel all the way to cempaka LRT at such hour. That was so fucking offensive coming from someone who knows your situations. I don’t mind travelling on my own but not at such hour. She should have known better and thought about it all before asking if we could meet. That really sounds like her and I knew I never can ask her for any favour.

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As far as I am concern, she’s been erased from my Aidilfitri’s card list. I had a bad day yesterday diary and I felt so angry. I went out to a movie with my coursemate and when the movie is over, she had to leave cos she had to meet her friends. I didn’t mind at all cos I didn’t feel comfortable with her. She’s just way too loud and noisy and I hate loud and noisy people. I would rather be alone than being with her. So I called ash and asked if we could hang out. She said ok and I waited for her. She didn’t take long cos her workplace is where I went for the movie. Anyway, I got the free tickets from her and so it is very logical to ask for her company. We just decided to have ice cream when her girlfriend called and probably demanded her to come home immediately. I suspected that her girlfriend knew ash was with me and somehow they got into a bit of a quarell. That’s what I don’t understand about her girlfriend. It is not like she hasn’t met me. We hung out together once when I came to KL for a visit and she even brought me to Lorong Haji Taib for whatever reasons you could think of. If it was jealousy then I really couldn’t figure out why.

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I didn’t try to come on to ash, I just enjoy her company because I feel very comfortable with her. After ash left me, I called wira and she said she could meet me but in 2 hours time. I waited for her alone and entertained myself window shopping and browsing for sandals. I got a call from her and was told she couldn’t come because she had to fetch her girlfriend and her girlfriend didn’t want to hang out because she’s just too tired. I got a bit pissed but I thought it’s just not worth it. I told her it’s okay and I just went home after that. It was late and I just brave myself taking the public transport alone.

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I didn’t want to take the cab cos I just want to play safe and not risking my own safety. Chicken pie added another misery to my life yesterday. She asked if I wanted to join her to ipoh for a day trip. I just figured, why not since I have nothing to do. I accepted her offer and text her just to confirm the time we will leave. It took so long for her to reply so I decided to give her a call. She apologised for not replying and broke the news to me that her boss will be joining the trip and I knew what she meant by that. I got so dissapointed and turned off with chicken pie many times already.

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There are just many things she does that often makes me got annoyed with her. It’s just too many and I got sick and tired of her. At times, I am dissapointed with her and got kind of sad with how she treats me. It hurts doesn’t it diary? Probably I am better off being alone than having people around me that are not helpful, probably I am just being too sensitive, probably I just want to have a girlfriend…so I won’t be lonely anymore because I have to admit to you and the world that I am lonely…it’s not a shame to admit that you are lonely isn’t it diary?