unbreak my heart...

Dear diary,

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I went out to mid valley this afternoon and bought myself a long mirror. My mirror broke into pieces the other day so I was left with only the face mirror. Having a long mirror is a necessity to me. At least it helps you see how you will look like to the public’s eyes. If you feel good and happy with the way you look, it boosts your confidence level. I bought a cheaper one this time because I learnt my lesson and do not want to waste money unnecessarily anymore.

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The mirror I bought today does not come with a stand so I just have to figure out how do I want it to be positioned. I bought myself a pair of shoes today and some toiletries. There is a promotion going on at watson where you get to purchase a second item at RM1 after you have purchase the first item at the usual price. Though the promotion does not apply to all of the items but it’s quite useful for students. I bought toothpaste and I believe I have chosen the right item. Actually that is the only item I can find which is most suitable for me to make purchases at watson. The shoes that I bought is by Carlo Rino. You know I have been searching for shoes since last week and you know how particular I am when it comes to footwear. I was beginning to think that it is so difficult to get a pair of decent shoes here when I saw a pair this afternoon that attracted my attention. They are nice and fits my taste. Can you believe that I was alone just now? My main intention was to go out and buy myself a pair of shoes and a long mirror. When I got there, I had second thoughts on buying the long mirror cos I was worried I couldn’t carry it all by myself since I had other stuffs to carry as well. I was just about to go home when I saw the abundant supply of cabs queuing outside for passengers.

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The pair of shoe was not really heavy but it was bulky and the stuffs from watson added on to the size of my shopping bags. I went back inside the mall and organised my stuffs. When I had everything in one bag, I went to search for the mirror. There’s a hardware store in mid valley where I bought my first long mirror. I got myself one that has a quite reasonable price tag and made my way to the payment counter. It was light so I really had no problem carrying it together with my other shopping bags. I hailed a cab and got home in one piece.Russia called and asked if I could meet after I got home. She apologised to me and said she didn’t mean to make it sound like she was trying to inconvenience me when she asked to meet last night. I told her it was nothing and said it’s really no big deal.

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We met and this time she came to my place and I brought her to eat at the place nearby. There was really nothing much to talk. I literally talked less and let my mind wandered to wherever it wanted to go. Russia talked a lot and I just figured that she did that because she I talked less. She did asked about my well being and my love life. I didn’t answer her more than ten words most of the times. But we did have conversations just now except that I never answered her at length when she asked about my love life. I didn’t see any reasons why should I. You know diary, I have noticed something about myself and that is, I am always lazy to talk about my personal life to people. I can write to you but if you asked me to tell or talk to you about my love life, I will probably pass. But if you want to have a mind boggling and challenging conversations, I am all game.

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I prefer to talk about current issues, about topics which makes the brain works. Russia really talked a lot just now and I think she got the idea that I was bored to death from the body language I showed her and the expressions I had on my face. She has someone new now diary and it has been a year. Thinking back, my brother passed away on 1st july and we broke up probably in august. It is september now and after doing my mathematics, it seems that she barely waited for a month before she found someone new after we broke up. It was a lucky thing I remembered to ask her how long has it been when she has that someone new. She told me a year and that confirms my assumption that she was literally being ‘naughty’ behind my back and that enforces my belief that breaking up with her was a good thing to do. I did not feel angry with her when she told me about her girlfriend but I was rather surprised and sad. I was probably hurt too but I can handle that. We haven’t met since we broke up and after meeting for the first time in one year, she had to tell me she’s attached and started spilling details about her girlfriend to me.

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I sat there listening to every details about her girlfriend. There I was alone and far from home and my family for the first time. I am lonely and homesick, sleepy and still trying to get over my brother’s death when I had to sit infront of an ex girlfriend listening to her talking about her girlfriend and what she is planning to do with her in the future. Do you have the slightest idea of what I felt at that time diary? It’s really sad you know…but really there’s nothing much that I can do except to listen to her. Honestly, if I were her, I would break the news to my ex girlfriend that I am attached but I wouldn’t go to the extent telling every details because I know somehow it will hurt my ex girlfriend.

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I told you russia can be immatured most of the times. I really couldn’t think of any reasons why she tells all except the fact that she is excited about this new life she is going through with this new person, well…she’s not new to russia anymore but she is new to me at least. I felt that she did not respect me as her ex girlfriend just now but I was telling myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. You cannot expect things to be like before after a break up. I walked home just now instead of having her to send me back to my hostel. She was not really familiar with the routes here. She text me after that apologising if she had hurt me in any way by telling me stuffs about her girlfriend. I replied her back diplomatically.

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The truth is diary, I was already in a sad mood when I met her because my brother’s death kept coming back to me and she made it worse. I have to admit to you I am more sad now than then. It hurts but I am not crying because I knew I never loved her. I just enjoyed her presence because russia made me feel safe and secured whenever I was with her and she still does but now that I knew she has someone else that she is so excited about, I might just dissapear from her life. I have done that and probably I will do that again. It’s not jealousy, anger or frustrations but I am just sad beyond descriptions now and only God knows why I am sad. I keep feeling very sad nowadays without any concrete reasons. I haven’t gone home since the day the immigration took my passport away and I guess I am homesick and I miss my family very much. I miss my late brother diary…I just miss him so much…help me bring him back to me…please…I am slowly breaking up inside…I know it..please diary….please…. help me please…