help me keep my faith

Dear diary,

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I have been feeling sad lately and I am still finding the reasons why. I feel so disturbed for the past few days and if only I knew what have been bothering me. Do you know that I have not been praying since I came here? There are so many good things that I have not been practising since living in the hostel. I have tried but I failed. Perhaps having a roomate with a different faith keeps me from praying.

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That is not an excuse but that is how I feel about the whole thing. I have asked her if it is okay for me to pray. She doesn’t mind and I could have prayed like how I prayed while I was back home if I wanted to. I didn’t cos I always have this feeling of discomfort when a non-Muslim sees me pray. I just don’t know how to explain to you diary but I hope you understand. I have been thinking about my late brother so often that I cannot help myself from feeling even more sad. I went out with a friend and she asked me about him and I cried while talking about him. It was the first time that I cried infront of someone.

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I swear to God that I didn’t want to but I just couldn’t help it. I have talked about his death to people who want to know but I have always managed to gain my composure. But that time, I failed and I felt so sad that I literally felt it in my heart. I was so sad beyond description and I felt so sinful, so worthless and cruel. I kept thinking about how he had died right infront of me and all the things that I have said to him, oh god…please have mercy on me. If I could just do a miracle, I would have turn back the time and treat him with total respect, care and love.

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I love him diary, I love him so much but I didn’t really showed it to him. All I did was to ignore him and belittle his capabilities. I was such a fucking bitch toward him. Everytime I prayed, I always say the prayers as a gift for him but since I haven’t been praying lately, I feel so empty inside, like living life without a purpose. Perhaps I am getting a little reminder from up above to get back on the right track. I miss my family and home. I have always wanted to do this but I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel so lonely sometimes but it is not like I am not used to it.

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I have always been reserved and I like doing things alone but I felt okay when I was in singapore. I just feel so much different here. It is probably because it is a totally new environment for me and perhaps I just need sometime to adjust. Living here is totally a new experience for me and I need time to feel really comfortable. Having friends and knowing lots of people here are insufficient without myself feeling safe and steady. I cannot depend on people so much because each of them have their own commitments and responsibilities. I wonder if what I am feeling right now will go away once I have moved to a new house. I really don’t know diary.

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For the first time in my life, I feel so lost and dependent on external factors to make me happy. I have lost a little of my self confidence and I need to find means to boost it back. I need to be the independent woman I have always been and known to be.