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you have to help me figure out if I was just being impatient or realistic. I have told little sister that it is not working out between us. She didn’t seem sad or perhaps she was but she just did a good job to camouflage her sadness. I really don’t know if the news had hit her hard. It’s only been 3 months and I have already feel so lost and empty. She did told me once that I might be feeling like how I was feeling going steady with her but I ignored her warning. The thing about little sister is, she doesn’t tell me everything nowadays and I don’t tell her everything too.
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We just stopped communicating and I really don’t know what’s the latest developments in her life. It’s very different with her you know. I don’t get the attention that I need. I feel abandoned and wasted. She’s not the kind of girlfriend where I can easily call to hang out with or to go for late supper. She’s just not like that. I am here alone and I need all the support that I can get but it seems that I am not getting it from her.
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There are many things that I wanted to tell you diary but I am not sure if it is the right thing. You have to understand that I am alone here and having a girlfriend, I expect her to give me all the support she possibly can. Little sister is not very mobile cos her every move is being monitored and watched. Going steady with her is like going steady with a prisoner. We can hardly meet each other let alone spend time together. I knew i had this coming but I just ignored the facts because yes, I love her like a little sister and knowing her health conditions, I somehow thought and believe that I have to give in to her.
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I love her diary and sometimes I just hope that she would understand my position being away from home and family, I have to depend on her at least for a couple of matters. There are many things that I wished I could do with her. When I walk to school or when I go to the mall, I often think of her and wished I could just go to the mall with her or go lunch and dinner with her. I just want to have a normal lifestyle with my girlfriend but I did not get it from little sister because of her situations. I am sad and felt a bit neglected but I kept telling myself that’s the risk I have to take if I wanted to go steady with her. I really don’t know diary, it’s so difficult like this.
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She did make an effort to meet me and we have met even though it was only less than 30 minutes. She brought someone with her and we really did not have any privacy. I feel so sad actually but I have been keeping it inside. I told her that if things are going to be like this, I might as well go back being single. At least the pain is still bearable because if I do things alone, I know I have to do them alone because I am single. Knowing the fact that you are attached but still have to do everything alone is a thought that no one can tolerate for a long time. We are all humans with tolerance level that is not sky high. I am no saint neither am I an angel. I don’t want to do the stuffs that will only make people be happy when it actually hurting me inside.
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I wish…I just wish that I am back to myself full of poise and self-reliance. I feel that those qualities are slowly diminishng from myself and I am scared. I think that’s because I haven’t got comfortable living here yet. Perhaps I will get all the confidence I need soon. It doesn’t matter from where, so long as I am back to my ordinary self, I will be thankful and grateful.
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