No More Night Coaches

Dear diary,

I am home in Singapore with my family at last. I am here to spend the eid with them and like usual, to help my mum with the household chores. This is what I do yearly and I have never run away from my responsibilities. Perhaps, I never got the chance to do that and that is why I never skip it. I am living overseas now but it is only Malaysia, which is just a stone throw away from Singapore and I do not see a strong and logical reason for me not to spend the eid with my family.

Like always, infinity sent me to pudu raya to take my bus and we were an hour early. There is a saying, it is better to be three hours too early than one minute too late. I guess we lived by that saying on that day. The bus journey to Singapore was fine with no major mishaps. To tell you the truth, I am quite afraid nowadays to take the coach home because of the wide media coverage on accidents that involved coaches. I know I cannot fight fate if it is really my turn to go but you know safety precautions are what I can do. I have stopped taking night coaches home. The possibility of accidents I guess is at night where it is dark and drivers have to stay awake just to get to the destination. Not only because of accidents, got my phone stolen from the coach the other night when I was on my way to Singapore. Oh, I have not told you about it, have I?

We were at Malaysia’s custom and we had to get down from the bus to get our passports stamped. I was searching for my passport and I left my phone on the seat next to me. When I found my passport, I got down leaving my phone on the seat. I was the last to get down and it was impossible to think that other passengers of the bus stole the phone. When all of us got our passports stamped, we had to wait for the bus longer than usual. It was long and I began to worry about my phone. We later found out that some thugs boarded our coach to warn the driver to disallow non-passengers of the coach to hitch a ride to the Singapore custom checkpoint. There were five of them and they threatened to beat him if he disagrees. I knew what they meant because I personally had the service of these thugs if I had left with no option. These people offer illegal taxi service to Singapore from jb with a charge. It is quite popular among Singaporeans to use their service because they send us straight to our doorsteps without hassle. When I got to my seat, I could not find my phone and I knew it then that those thugs stole my phone. It was frustrating and I promised myself not to take night coaches back to Singapore. I guessed we were all lucky because they only boarded the bus when we were not on board and they could not do us any harm. However, imagine something else that nobody wishes would happen...now that is scary. I told mum about it and she is strongly against the idea too. I take the morning or afternoon coach nowadays and I keep my personal belongings to my body.

Since my phone was gone, I have been using my old phone. I got back my contact list but most of them are not updated and I am missing some of my friends’ number. It is hard when you do not have a back up copy of your contacts. I had to wait until I get a text message or a call from them and only then, I am able to get back their number otherwise I will just have to wait. Talking about that, I have not heard any news from oldie. Her number is gone and she is not texing nor is she calling me. I don’t know how is she doing now but I hope she will keep in touch with me soon. Perhaps the same thing happens to her too and she’s also waiting for me to text or call her. That’s funny if it is true. Whatever it is, I hope she reads you someday and know that I am looking for her just to catch up on old times because she is one of the friends I have that I treasure. I hope she knows.

Thank You For Hearing Me...!

Dear Diary,

How has it been going for you? I hope you are well and in the pink of health. In case you are wondering, I am fine and alive. Things are better than before on my side and I have so much to tell you. I just hope you are willing to listen to me and read my thought attentively. I know that I have skipped apologising to you this time but believe me diary, I think if I were to practice that, I will have to do it everytime I wrote to you and it can be boring. You know how often I write to you nowadays don’t you? With that kind of frequency, I am sure I have to make apologising to you a must.

Let us just forget about the apologising part shall we? Let us begin without apologising and go straight to the point. Please do not tell me it is too much to ask for. Like I said earlier, things have never been better for me and I am actually enjoying every moment of it. Do you remember my birthday wish recently? Do you know that my wish has been granted? Yes diary, I got what I have wished for. It may not be big but I know this will be the stepping-stone before I move on to bigger things. I am running my own drink stall now and I am so proud of it.

I have never planned this and it was all a coincident. I think He heard my prayers and grant me my wish after considering my good deeds even though I know deep down I have more bad deeds than good deeds. I know I have not been a good Muslim but this is where the phrase God is great and God is fair applied. I have always believed in him without any doubts and I still do. It all started with infinity, as she asked if I were interested to be a shareholder of a stall in a food court. I was looking for home based jobs actively and more often than usual, I was duped. Although I did not voice to her my frustrations and disappointments, she knew deep inside what I felt. I was skeptical about investing in the stall because believe me it was so sudden and it was really a bit of a rush. I remember it was on Thursday and if we agreed to take up the stall, we were suppose to start the operation on the following Monday.

I followed infinity to the food court to view the stall. It was allright but still I was skeptical. I did not obliged to infinity’s request instead I let her be the main shareholder while I just gave her moral support. She got the stall and began operating on Monday with her brother running the stall. The first day was a mess without proper preparations and the following day, infinity and I decided to give the stall helping hands. I knew I was not obligated to help but I wanted to show infinity that I care about her interest and that is why I came. It was terrible, horrible and almost reaching to a stage where you can call it unbelievable. I was ashamed actually having to take care of a stall, which obviously shows signs that the owner did not have an inkling of an idea on how to run a food stall. It was very apparent and I just wished I could do something about it. After the peak periods, I sat down with infinity and her brother to do a post mortem. I told them what they should do with the stall, what the stall should have and what it should not have.

I told them to have shelves for the glasses and stocks so the stall will not be messy. I told them that they must have a big water pot with dispenser because with that kind of water dispenser, customer’s waiting time will be cut short. In that food court, to eliminate customer’s waiting time is crucial because the crowd comes at once. It has this school canteen concept where you are most busy during breakfast and lunch. It is during that peak periods that you have to be fast and efficient giving quick service. With old- fashioned equipments and inefficient staffs with no sense of urgency at all, how can the stall reach a standard where its service is satisfactory to the customers?
At that point of time, I was telling myself if only I had taken up infinity’s offer to become a shareholder, I would turn the stall into the stall of the century. I just realised I have so much ideas and knowledge. It just hit me then that this could be the reason why I was destined to work part time at cafes, restaurants and fast food outlets when I was a teenager. Perhaps God has planned all this for me and I guess this is the time where I must show the tallents I have inside me.

Infinity offered me again and knowing that perhaps this offer could be the answer to my prayers, without a doubt I took her offer and I have been put in charge of the stall’s daily operation. In other words, I have the most say on the stall’s day to day activities and I can see that the other shareholders are happy with my performance and that makes me feel very proud. Infinity often thank me for making the stall into what it is now. I smiled and I told her, we did it together, we turned the stall from nothing into something. Deep down inside, I thank God for making my dreams come true. I need something like this and He hears my prayer. Infinity happens to be the channel he sent my wish and this enforces what I have always believe that is, there is always a reason for something to happen.

After three months of running the stall, infinity and I are looking forward to expand our business. We look forward to open up a café restaurant in a year’s time and I have promised myself that I will bring to life our fantasies come what may for the benefits of my family especially my parents.

Happy Birthday To Me...

Dear diary,

I spent my birthday today with my parents driving them to my mum’s hometown. It was tiring because I just climbed mount berembun and siku a day prior to my birthday and then I had to use every bit of my energy to focus driving. It was about 2.5 hours journey and I really felt tired. We left on Friday evening to cameron for mount berembun and siku and came back to subang on Sunday evening. I took the coach to singapore on Monday afternoon, arrived singapore at 10 at night and I drove to muar the next day at 7 in the morning. My eldest brother couldn’t drive my parents and so I had to fill up the vacant position. I really don’t mind driving them because I know I haven’t done much for them since I got my license.

Ever since I got it, I have been driving in malaysia most of the times. I hardly drive in singapore and therefore, if my parents asked for my help, I would gladly oblige. It’s just something that I think I could do for them for now. I do not have the luxuries of showering them with cash and wealth looking at my status as a student. Being able to contribute that much, I hope is sufficient to put smiles on their faces. You know diary, I feel bad for my brother come to think of it. You know that there are only the two of us now and since I am living in malaysia, he is the only one left to take care of my parents. It’s not like I wanted to pass the responsibility wholly to my brother but believe me diary, if I have the means I would bring my parents along with me but you know I can’t. I am having some problems getting by over here and how am I suppose to support my parents. At times, I wish I didn’t make the decision to move over to malaysia because I knew if I continued living in singapore, I will be in my comfort zone with money to spend and supporting my parents wouldn’t be a problem.

I really do feel sorry for my parents having to support me when I should be the one supporting them. I feel useless sometimes you know. Damn…I hate this feeling. It’s just that things are a little rocky for us now and you know how easily affected I am with my surroundings. I am sensitive and I wish I had not been sensitive. Do you know what I really want to do right now diary? All I want to do is to go back to work and make a living so that I could be the source of income to my parents. I want to be cash rich and have money to spend for my parents. I want them to stop working and enjoy life while they could, I want to send them for holidays and I want to give them a sense of assurance that I’ll be there for the family in times of needs. I want them to know that they can depend on me because I am their pillar of strengths. If only I could achieve what I dream of for them in a short time. Those are my birthday wish for now and I hope to achieve it soon…InsyaAllah.Happy Birthday to me...

Don't Irritate Me Further Sammy

Dear diary,

Ever since I am with eternity, I am really going active with mountain climbing. It is something that I have a big interest. You know that I have started climbing since I was 19 and had to stop because of some inevitable reason. I have climbed kinabalu, tahan, panti, belumut, ledang and now I can add a few more names to my already existing list of mountains. Mount datuk, berembun and siku are the new collection that I have added and not forgetting, bekelah waterfall. The list will grow in a few weeks time but I know I have to watch my budget as well.You know, I wonder at times if I hadn’t met eternity would I be active again. I knew I should be thankful that I have met her because she is responsible for rekindling my passion for mountain climbing.

I hope to do this for as long as I could with her because it is good to have someone you are very comfortable with doing the things you like together. I am so used to doing things with her nowadays that I find it odd and incomplete when she is not around. I really do treasure her diary, and I wish she knows although I always snap easily with her.I climbed the new collections of mountain with a friend of eternity’s brother whose name I shall call sammy to protect his identity. Sammy is a big guy with big tummy and chest. My first impression of him was that he must be some guy who’s tough and rugged with a good stamina. He seemed like the guy who will be the last man to reach every campsite and the summit of a mountain not because his slow or weak but because he’s just the kind that would make sure anyone didn’t left behind or got lost. In other words, he would always be the last man in a group.

However, my good impression of him slowly deterioriates after trekking with him three times. His attitude turned me off and I did not think highly of him anymore. I didn’t notice it the first time I trekked with him but after awhile, I realised that he was actually just trying to show off when he hasn’t really got anything to show off. The first time I trekked with him, he talked about mount stong non-stop. I figured that he must be quite an experienced climber and has about more than five mountains in his list of mountains he climbed before. I was wrong and it turned out that he had less than my expected figure. That explains why he only talked about mount stong to us. I am not trying to underestimate neither am I trying to belittle him. It is just that, he acts and talks like a very experienced mountain climber when he is not and that really annoys me.

He always wants people to listen to his suggestions and ideas when they are not at all practical. Worse of all, even though he does not say it officially to us, he seems to want to form his own team or club and sadly, he thinks that eternity and I are willing to be his pioneer team or club members. He suggested that any balance of money collected from every trip will not be refunded as the money will be used to buy equipments. I really do not know for whom the equipments are for as I already have enough equipments of my own. The idea is fine if every one of us agreed to form a club or team of our own. But since none of us agreed except for him, I just find that the idea is not right. Any balance of money must be refunded accordingly and if he feels like buying anything, he should be using his own money instead. Then again, this explains why he hasn’t had any basic equipments. I rest my case about the equipments now.

When we were planning to climbed mount datuk, he suggested for us not to bring anything except for out water bottles. In my mind, we were going to climb the mountain in the wee hour in the morning and from what I have heard, it usually takes about one to two hours of climbing depending on your speed. We were to leave for mount datuk at eleven at night. With one to one and a half hour of travelling, our estimated time to reach the base of the mountain was one to two in the morning and we were going to climb once we got there. It doesn’t take a professional climber to know that he will reach the summit before the sun is up. Surely any average person would be able to tell if it is going to be cold or not up in the mountain in the wee hour in the morning. Unfortunately, sammy couldn’t tell and he brought nothing at all with him except his water bottle hanging from his belt. He thought that I brought too many things and commented on my heavy backpack. He made a couple unpleasant remarks about eternity’s and my decision to carry stuffs up in the mountain.

His remarks and comments made me wondered before the climb if he really knew what he brought with him. I remained silent and waited till the end of the climb. We reached the summit at half past four in the morning. The wind was happily blowing at our direction. While I was unpacking my bag, he asked for a ground sheet, I gave it to him and continued to set up my air mat to sleep. Eternity and I slept quite comfortably as we had our sweaters and windbreakers on. In the middle of our sleep, what I had expected turned out to be true. Sammy complaint of how cold it was to another of our friend.

Eternity and I pretended not to hear and continued sleeping. I didn’t want to offer him a layer of my sweater because I felt he didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t trying to be selfish but he was proud with me before and that annoyed me. It was so silly of him to suggest to us not to bring anything and how I was glad we didn’t listen to him. I am so glad that from the few mountains I have climbed, I have gained a couple of experiences and I managed to put it into good use. Most of all, I am thankful that eternity and I did not become victims to sammy’s silly and impractical ideas.

Bringing It To Life Again...

Dear diary,

It seems to me that I have to do this every time I start writing to you nowadays. Forgive me for not writing for such a long time. I haven’t been busy but I always think that I am busy until the extent I ignore you. I didn’t mean to ignore you but with life over here, no fixed income and no internet connection at home, I am just lazy to write even though I have so much more stories to share with you than living in Singapore. I really do have so many stories to tell you but I have been holding them back far too long until I forgot most of the stories. Perhaps we can start from the latest to the not so latest one. How about that diary?

I have been climbing mountains and I can see myself being active again like how I was ten years ago. It was different back then and now. I was young and probably I was stronger then than now. Climbing mountains nowadays is easy with all the equipments I have in store but money is not that easy to come by. I have to finance myself and it can be tough when I am a student waiting for my pocket money from my parents. It’s just so sad isn’t it? I am looking for ways to boost my financial status and I know I can do that even though I am a student.

The only drawback I have is, I am a foreigner here. It’s not that easy as it may seem but I know I will get by. I am thankful and grateful for the number of friends and relatives I have over here. They can be useful when I really need their help. Oh, I forgot to mention that, they are the most reliable and trustworthy friends and relatives. In another word, they are friends and relatives with quality. Anybody can have an abundant supply of friends and relatives but not anybody can have friends and relatives that can offer you help with just one phone call.

Ok, let us not sway from what I wanted to write to you. Now, what is it that I wanted to write to you? Oh yeah…it’s about me going active again with mountain climbing. I have climbed mount ophir seven times and I did it twice within the past six months. Can you believe that diary? I brought eternity along in that two trips and I think she already is my climbing buddy officially. Of course, we did not make any ceremony to acknowledge that we are each other’s climbing buddy but I think both of us know it.

Eternity has improved on her personality during the second trip. Although she was a little slower than the first trip, in terms of teamwork, she has improved tremendously. She helped me cook, clean and set up the tent this time round. She knew what she had to do and I didn’t have to tell her what to do. I really appreciate her company this time and I knew then, her company is essential when I go mountain climbing. The second trip was longer than the first one. We spent two nights up in the mountain, so we had plenty of time to relax and unwind. I brought along cross word puzzle but eternity devoted much of her free time to it so I didn’t spend my time with it. I had diarrhoea on the second day and it really surprised me because I have climbed a couple of mountains and never had diarrhoea before. It was quite an experience without the basic facilities. I even had to squat on a piece of rock at the waterfall with running stream water underneath my buttock so that it will wash away my waste. Oh gee, I can’t imagine telling it to you. The best part about it all was, while I was squatting, came three other campers from another campsite sitting by the waterfall directly opposite of me. It was dark at night and all of us had only our torchlights and headlights. I just had to switch on my headlights while I was throwing my waste. It is to avoid them from being able to see clearly in my direction.

What really bothered me was, I had to squat there for as long as they were there because, I had my pants down and even if I didn’t feel like throwing anymore, I simply couldn’t get up and pull up my pants while they were like twenty meters away from me with a good view of me. My knees got numb a bit and I was greatly relieved when they left. With eternity acting as my guards, I got up and quickly pulled up my pants. It was quite annoying but comical.The group that we joined consist mostly of people who are thirty-five years old and above. They are matured people and it was easy for us to blend in with them. There were not many of them anyway, so we did not feel left out at all. Eternity acted as the bridge of communication between the group and us.

That is the reasons why I have always admire eternity for her communication skills. Perhaps it is not so much on her communication skills but it is more on her outgoing personality that she always manages to accept people easily, regardless of their personality and attitude. I am not like that; I always have difficulty mingling with people because I am a very reserved person naturally and it makes me very selective with whom I want to talk with. I get along with most of them but I find that one of them actually annoyed me a little with his boastful talks. Maybe he wasn’t boastful but that was how he speaks. He talked about all the mountains he had climbed leaving no room for the rest of us to talk. Moreover, when he talked about them, it was as if he was the god of the mountains and that really made me puke. He was ok but I couldn’t stand his boastful manner and so I kept to my own group whenever I can. He asked me about the mountains that I have climbed before and I knew it then that he was actually trying to see how capable I am in mountain climbing. He was actually trying to compare my list of mountains I have climbed with his own and that really irritate me. Oh gee, you boastful old man, and that moment on, I felt like kicking him in the bud when we were going down the mountain and watch him roll down the mountain like an old gunny sack.

Talking about the mountains was not enough, he had to talk about the cooking equipments, the tent he uses and the shoes he wears, I was in my tent trying to enjoy my privacy and it was so frustrating having my privacy invaded at the time I needed it the most. If it was invaded due to some event beyond my control, I wouldn’t mind at all but not because I had to listen to this old moronic mountain freak man. What made it worse was, I had to pee and since he was there sitting talking non stop, I had to hold it feeling very miserable inside. Only God knows how I felt at the time. I wish Puteri Gunung Ledang would have came and saved me but she didn’t. I was looking at him talking and I was imagining shoving a banana in his mouth to shut him up. How I really could have enjoyed that. Anyway, he got tired of talking and joined the rest of his friends by the waterfall lying on the big rock to watch the stars. Eternity and I didn’t joined them as we were more interested to spend time with our air mat and enjoy the natural pleasure of answering nature call in a tent up in a mountain.

Things are never easy living with the in-laws

Dear diary,

Since I have moved to a new place with infinity and her entourage, I have come to realise why is it that people say it is not easy to live with the in-laws. Having lived together for about four months, I finally bring myself to understand about the things that can make a marriage between two people collapse due to other people’s faults or should I say, insensitivity. Pardon me for starting up like that diary; it is just that I wanted to start up with a different style this time.

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You would have noticed how I usually start by greeting you first but I just decided to change this time. You are aware that I am living with infinity, her cousin and her little brother. There are four of us and we are supposed to share the expenses like utilities bills, groceries, rents and any other miscellaneous stuff like cooking gas. I have been sticking to this practice for the time I have been living with them and I am positively sure that I have not missed any bills or I am late in any other payments. You know how I am don’t you. Punctuality is my policy for most of the things in the world and I definitely try hard to be punctual for all my undertakings. One advantage that I have over everybody else in the house is that, I am not related to him or her by blood even though I could be, if the society would have taken my ‘marriage’ with infinity into consideration. Since I am not related to them in any constitutional civil sense, it is not my business to know about their wellbeing.

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However, since I am married to infinity discreetly, somehow, I just have to know about them and this includes their punctuality in sharing what we are supposed to share. From the moment, infinity asked me if it is okay for her to invite her little brother and cousin to come and stay with us, I felt a little uneasy. Somehow, I knew this would happen and yes, I was right. Having known and blending with them, I rather knew their habits and living pattern. I had reminded infinity of the implications and she seemed ok with it at that time. I usually pay my rent and bills to infinity and she will be the one to deposit the rent to the landlord and pay bills at the post office. I believe she would collect the rest of the money from the other tenants before paying to the authorities.

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My instinct told me that she has not done so with her brother for the time, we have stayed together but I tried to brush it away. I did not want to have any negative thoughts about my so-called in-laws. My instinct also tells me to give whatever necessary to infinity and lets her collect other payments from the other tenants herself. It is not as if I wanted her to do the hard work but logically, it is just natural for me to do that because the other tenants are her cousin and brother. I assume she would be more comfortable than I am to be asking them for money every end of the months. Wouldn’t you agree diary?

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Deep down inside me, I knew infinity is having problem making the other tenants pay up and I really cannot do anything about it. The thing is, I do not know what to say and how to do it anymore. Her cousin is not so bad in fulfilling her responsibility as a tenant of the house but she needs to be reminded and someone has to ask her to pay up without she voluntarily pays up. It is taxing to remind people of their responsibility monthly. I was thinking to myself, why these people could not be a little considerate and thoughtful. Why do they need someone to tell them of their responsibility when they jolly well know it themselves. What is the problem with all these people?

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I really wonder sometimes and I cannot stop wondering because these people really appalled me by their level of responsibility. I really do not care if we have to pay the rent individually to the landlord but we have to pay the rent as one household unit and that means money have to be collected and consolidated into one amount. In addition, of course if one or two do not pay up, or late in payment, someone from the same group of tenants has to advance his or her money in order to make it sufficient to pay to the landlord. We have dues to follow and we have deadlines to watch. It is fine if it happens once or twice with valid and acceptable reason but it can become annoying and sickening if it happens too many a times. It won’t be fair to us who pays promptly.

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I am sure any tom, dick or Harry would have agreed with me. It is not about not being generous or penny pinching, it is about etiquette, common sense and discipline. It is about being reasonable and thoughtful and most importantly being responsible.I am sure infinity does not need someone to give her a treat for a few games of bowling or a few songs at a cheap karaoke kiosk once in awhile. Paying rents and sharing responsibility is what she desires most out of them. The once in a bluemoon treats won’t help if she has to pay for something that other people ignore to pay.

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I never asked infinity if she has problems collecting money from them, but she said it just about tonight. I assumed she did not want to tell but I guessed it slipped out of her tongue out of frustration. Well, who could blame her if she lost her cool because of that? I would be the first person to forgive and understand her for doing so. Patience has its limits and so does tolerance. I pity infinity and I wish I could take her away from all these troubles but it was her wish to bring them into our home and I really have no say in it. Even if I do, I do not wish to say it because I know how hurtful my words can be once I have lost my cool. I think I can kill a person with my words and I do not wish to be a murderer with words as my weapons.

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Sometimes, I feel like standing up for her on her behalf but reality hit me in the face and I paused for a minute. Who am I to do that? I am only married to infinity on the grounds of mutual understanding between fellow gays. I do not have any legal rights on her wellbeing or wealth. Perhaps wealth has never crossed my mind but we are talking facts here and wealth is a topic that cannot be skipped or passed. I am a little disturbed and troubled by how people are treating infinity because it also hurts me to know that she is hurting. I feel so angry when I think of the things that she has to go through but there is nothing concrete that I can do except to get angry with circumstances. I guess this is how it is like to live with your in-laws, you are lucky if you get the thoughtful ones but you can blame it on your luck if you get the unfavourable ones.

Things I Do Daily Nowadays...

Dear Diary,

since the first day of new year till today, i have been doing nothing but cook, clean, tidy and study at home. i have not been doing anything very productive lately because i do not know what is really going to be the plan for the future. the road i am travelling on is getting a little slippery and there are many a times i have gotten sidetracked but as usual i always managed to get back on to the tracks. it is never easy living alone without your family. i have been living with my family under one roof for too long till i find it hard to manage without them.

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living in singapore, nobody can denies that you just have to stay together with your family. it's a republic and it's not as big as johor, singaporeans do not need to stay far and away from their parents and siblings regardless where they work or go to school. we could get to other end of singapore from the other end in an hour or slightly later or earlier (it all depends on traffic). i still miss my family and i try to go back home at least twice a month but i have not been doing that lately. i know the reason why but i chose not to say it here. it's sad but i guess that is what life is all about. you cannot have your cake and eat it. you win some and you lose some, you like it or not.

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i have been praying regularly and i feel good nowadays. i feel peaceful and a sense of serenity envelops me silently. i read a little prayer to my family and my late brother everytime i pray and i think that's what making me feel safe and confident. i have always worry about the wellbeing and safety of my family and the feelings get worse when i neglected my very basic responsibility as a Muslim. since i started to go back to praying, i don't feel that way anymore. perhaps, knowing that i have someone to listen to my prayers daily, give me the assurance that my family is in good hands no matter where they are. i feel a little touch everytime i think of them. i miss them so much and i wish i could bring them many joyous and happy moments as long as i am alive. this is my little prayer for them.

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my exam is just around the corner and i have never really been studying like how i should. again, i assume it must be the mood. i am losing my focus slowly do you know that diary? this always happen to me but i have my reasons for doing it. it's just not right to explain it to you here. perhaps you will know soon. i got to go now...catch u later.