Dear Diary,
It is Thursday and I have one more day before the fasting month begins. Ramadan starts on Saturday and that means there will be no more water breaks for me while working. I am not quite sure how it is going to feel like working in the warehouse without any water but I think I can manage. I have done other more challenging jobs before during Ramadan and to compare that with the warehouse, it is nothing. It can get very thirsty in the warehouse, as it is not air-conditioned. You tend to feel dehydrated and heaty. I have not felt that yet because my job is to scan. I have my own station and I do not have to walk much unlike the pickers. Even though my job only requires me to stand all day, it still can make me feel very thirsty.
I had lunch with Mouse deer today instead of my usual lunch friend whom I call Aunty. Aunty wanted to have McDonalds but I did not feel the same. McDonalds is farther than the canteen and I do not want to walk that far. Besides, she went with two other of my colleagues who I am not comfortable. I would describe them as the louder people in the warehouse. I do not want to be awkward during my free time at work.
I suppose it is a blessing that Ramadan is around the corner as I am low in cash. At least I can save whatever I have now until my next pay check. This job is stress free however, it does not allow me to spend luxuriously, and in fact, it does not allow me to buy all my toiletries. I must watch what I am spending and that includes buying a cheap ice cream which costs less than a dollar than a chocolate éclair which is a dollar fifty. I have to think twice before spending and I have set a certain amount of money for lunch, which I cannot overspend. That is how I live my life now. I have to admit I have no stress at work nowadays but the money issues are getting a bit of a bother.
I have not been taking dinner at home because I am somewhat awkward, as mother and I are still not talking. It has been a week now. I do not know how and where to begin. I guess she is feeling awkward too but I know both of us have the word EGO stamped on our forehead. I am very sorry about the situation and I am regretting it a bit at how I handled things. I do not mean to be rude or ungrateful but it is simply awkward you know. I hope you know how I feel. I am not very expressive physically and I wanted so much for things to be as normal between mother and I. My tongue is tied to apologise and I am the kind of person who likes to let nature takes its course. It is not easy and I do not like it at all.
I always believe that children who do not live under the same roof with their parents would have a better relationship with their parents. Distance apart makes them have less communications and meetings. Less meetings and communications lead to fewer tensions among family members as families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. If I were given a chance to be apart, I would do it again. I love my family and they are always in my prayers but I do not want to feel useless and guilty of situations. It makes me feel lousy. One thing I realise about family quarells is they are bitter things. They do not go by any rules. They are not like aches or wounds; they are more like splits in the skin that will not heal because there is not enough material. Oh never mind Diary...I know one day I will talk to mother again. I just hope she knows I did not mean to be rude to her and I love her more than I love myself. She must know that!
I have started to make plans for what I am going to do after my contract ends with the warehouse. I am going to do it on my own Diary. I have told myself to stop depending on people for hope. People can only get excited for a while and their excitement will vanish in thin air as soon as I stop talking to them about the business plans. It is my dream and only mine alone. I cannot make them believe in my dream. I cannot make them feel like how I feel about it. It is going to be a long way but if I just focus, I know I will get there with or without them. I have decided to take control of my dream from this moment on. Whatever I have read about business helps me a lot to get through this phase again. While saving for it, I learn from whatever I can. I read, I listen and I watch from movies, books and documentaries. It makes me a little better equip in terms of theories. From the practical aspects, I have gotten them from my four-year stay in Subang Jaya.
Things happen for reasons and we all know that God does not test us more than we can handle. I guess it is normal for me to be facing this. I still have moral support from people I am with. I would not be so bold and adamant on wanting to start this if it had not been for my experience back in Subang Jaya. I have realised that now. If I make it there, I hope that would put a smile on my mother's face. I love her so much although I get annoyed with her principles sometimes. I know I have not been a good child to her but I hope when I pray, God will listen to my prayers for her and dad.
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