I Still Have Something To Be Proud Of

Dear Diary,

Work is good today. Since I have been working here, I have notice that I have not been stressed over anything. I take things as they are and I live on a day to day basis. I take things at a time and I do not get work up over things at work because there is nothing that I have to worry about at work. It sure feels like a teenager again during my school vacation where I worked part time. The money is not a big deal. I can hardly survive but I have enough to pay my bills and my car. I cannot live luxuriously. Working like this makes me watch how I spend my money as I do not have the liberty to spend unnecessarily anymore. 

Mom and I are still not talking and that makes it feel awkward to be at home. I try to stay late at work for as much as I could everyday but ironically I can't. Time and again I try to be patient with things at home especially with mom. I know she is watching and observing me. I guess she somewhat knows that I have quit from the bank and have landed myself in some odd job because of how I wear to work nowadays. I do not give a damn anymore. I am tired of having people to tell me what and who I am. I am also sick of people reminding me of all my failures. It is okay Diary. I have lived with my failures for 35 years and I am still hanging on. I know some people will only judge you based on your failures alone. Frankly, I do not give a fuck anymore. 

I have given up trying to impress and please mom. I do not try hard anymore because I know I do not have to. I have been reading lots of books, mostly business books on successful business people around the world. The owner of starbucks Howard Schultz had to try 225 times convincing people to invest in his ideas of a chained coffee shop. He never gave up until he became successful. I do not know how long do I have to try. I guess I will keep on trying until I die. Yes, it is not easy and I am simply reading those books to keep motivating myself. 

I am not sure when do I get to make my parents proud of me but I guess I have to stop myself from trying because the more I try the more I struggle. The television in my room is finally broken and that leaves me with only my ipad and books to keep me entertained. I have to buy a new television but money does not come easy anymore. I can wait but it sure can be bored without the television. 

Hello Kitty and I have discussed about what we are going to do if our loan application get rejected again. We came up with Plan B and that makes me drift away a little from my dreams. I am a little angry at things but I do not know how to express myself not even in writing. There are so many regrets that I have in myself. I have made many wrong decisions. I could have easily started my business here if only I had known what I wanted to do when I came back here but I overlooked myself. 

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness on youtube the other night and it kept me awake until one in the morning. Chris Gardner is a millionaire now. Looking at his journey, he is surely one hell of a survivor. I do not have his sheer desire to succeed but I know I am unemployable nowadays because all I want now is to be my own boss. I cannot stay put in one job. I cannot be contented with the kind of job I have. I cannot keep my job. Period. 

Diary, at times I wonder if Hello Kitty would give up on me. She seems to be living the perfect life now. She has a job that she can make a career out of it. She is paid handsomely and her bosses acknowledge her work. I am happy for her while I look at myself in the mirror and all I can afford to do is grin. Well, I know deep down inside her she is studying me but she is so careful with her words and attitude with me that I hardly notice it. But how long can a person be careful with things? You can say wrong things in a conversation and one thing can lead to another. But then again misunderstanding can happen and it takes an explanation to make you understand. 

Just about two days ago we were talking about people in our lives and I cannot help but to compare myself with them. I have always thought that I have nothing but to compare myself with them, at least I can say I am better off than them. I am in between jobs let alone a career. How much I got, whenever I can I try to share it with my parents and I guess that makes what I earn blessed. Someone told me before that it is not important of what I make, it is the leftovers that matter and what I do with the leftovers. 

I may not have a career or a business yet and I do not earn a four figure salary anymore nowadays but I can still keep my car and share that little piece of wealth I have with my family no matter what they think of me and how much failures I have in my little black book. I am going to make it there. I know I will and I must make it there. I promise you.