I Still Don't Know

Dear Diary,

For the first time after two years, I cooked dinner for my family. I have been watching a lot of cooking tips on youtube and I got this sudden inspiration to see if I still have the skill. I went to the market and bought the ingredients. I got home and started cooking. Ayam masak kicap and Kailan Ikan Masin; those were the dishes. It has really been a long time since I last cooked and I did not know if I still have it. 

While I was cooking, I imagined myself in a restaurant. I pictured myself having my own restaurant and giving instructions to my staffs. I was smiling while I cooked and perhaps that is why the food tasted good. When you cooked with love, magic happens. 

I have done two proposals Diary. One is for a business in Singapore and the other one is for a business in Kuala Lumpur. I told you about Tiger didn’t I? She suggested the location and helped me to do the market analysis. It was a simple analysis, not really an in depth one. I supposed I really have to come down and be there to observe the lunch and dinner crowd. It is not something easy to do but I have to do it to know. I cannot depend from informations online. Business is a risk and I am not taking any chances. 

I still have second thoughts about it but I am really determined to get started. I am still scared and worried but I guess I have to do it to know if it is going to be successful or not. If I don’t try I won’t know. I have done a couple of homework about the SSM and immigration laws. It seems not to be on my side. There will be difficulties of course and I must ask myself first, if I am ready for it. The problem is, I don’t know.

Teasing You Is Fun

Dear Diary,

I had an interesting day today but I am too sleepy to tell so let’s just call it a day.hehehehe

Tears Came To Wash My Soul

Dear Diary,

I went out walking aimlessly at the wet market near my house. I saw two shops that are up for rent. I called the agents immediately to ask for the price. One is at $2,400 and the other one is at $1,700 exclusive of utilities. I was supposed to do something but I got sidetracked and ended up doing something else instead. The idea just came and it was spontaneous. I knew that was what I wanted to do but I did not think that I would skip doing that one thing that was of most important simply to check out the shops.

I was excited. I started to imagine things and envision the future when I have the shop to myself. It was okay at the beginning but when I started to realise the hassle and trouble I have to go through, I allow reality to sink in. I text Tiger and told her of my intentions. Tiger was positive about things. A few days back, she told me of a half shop that is up for rent near her house in Sepang. She suggested that I make a comeback and try it out there. I was afraid to commit because I knew I am going to be in Malaysia and I will be all alone. I do not even know who is going to be my business partner. Running a restaurant is not an easy task. There are lots of work to be done. I declined the offer. I wanted to stick to my product.

What happened today changed my mind. I was excited about the shops but I honestly think that my product is not suitable for the location. The product I have in mind suits a crowded area where there will be many young people. The food I want to sell most of the times appeal to the young and if it is a wet market we are talking about, this product is a NO-NO. 

So there I was thinking of going back to the products I had originally plan to sell, what else but our own Malay cuisine. Malay breakfast is hard to find there. It is only logic to start selling a product that is desired the most. You have to sell what people want and not what you want. The shops however, do not allow cooking with gas cylinders. This is the thing with HDB commercial properties. There are rules and regulations that you have to meet and everything you want to do, you must have license and permits.

It can be quite troublesome. I was thinking to cook at home and pre pack the food before I bring it over to the shop. I started thinking about logistics and feasibility. That idea is hard. I do not drive in Singapore, although public transport in Singapore is efficient it will still be troublesome. So many things were playing in my head while I enjoyed my sweet corn dessert. 

While I text Tiger, I started to realise that perhaps I could just make the move to Malaysia and start there soon instead of waiting for the ‘right’ time. Apparently, she studied the location and a Malay restaurant would be ideal. I became excited again. I went home and tried to tell mother about my little adventure this afternoon. She looked at me and simply nodded. That was all she did. My heart broke into pieces. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. There are many times where I simply wanted to tell her that all I need is some encouragements and motivations. Don’t I deserve some encouragements at least although I have failed her many times? I know children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. I am good Diary. I supposed mother has forgiven all my mistakes too. I hope she knows that failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

I swear I told myself not to discuss anything about my business ideas with mother to avoid dissapointments. But I am only human and I need blessings from my parents. Perhaps it is true that our mother protected us from the world and our father threatened us with it. I just wanted to hear good words but I did not. I went inside my room and wiped away the tears in my eyes. The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.  I was tearing I knew but most importantly my heart felt so heavy. I let my tears come. I let them water my soul. Upturned toward the sun, eyes closed.  That color and warmth I see and feel is the soul on fire.  If only it remained when again my eyes opened. I feel so much to prove to mother. I guess it is good for me to cry because the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

I have to stop. I love my mother and I love my family and all the living things on earth.

Bring Out The Optimism

Dear Diary,

 I have done a lot of homework for my business proposal. Day after day, I managed to find answers to my questions. I use the internet a lot nowadays to do my research. I have gotten the prices of the raw ingredients from the supplier in Malaysia and I managed to find a few suppliers in Singapore. I have to do price comparisons and decide which supplier is the most suitable. As I am new, of course they cannot give me credit terms. Everything has to be purchase with cash.

To tell you the truth, I am a bit scared to start all these. I cannot describe my feelings now because I know I am alone in this. I do not think mother is at all excited about my idea. I did hint to her a few times and tried to make small conversations with her about it but she did not seem interested. She did not pass any comment neither did she discourages me. She simply let me speak. I stopped talking to her about it when I realised it does not interest her. Mother has always been like that. She is not business minded and perhaps she is still disappointed with me for not finishing my law degree in Malaysia. Instead, I got into business and never brought a degree home to Singapore.

It is ok Diary. Everything is going to be alright. I did not share this with everybody officially. I just spoke about it randomly with my friends. I am getting motivated on my own. I try to read about successful business people and how they became successful. I read motivational quotes as often as I can. I coached myself to forget about my failures. I am still afraid and I do not know if I am going to make it. If I fail, I do not know what is going to happen to me. I guess I have to start all over again. I do not want to fail this time because I am putting all my hard-earned cash in this. 

Many times, I have heard people say it does not matter how many times you fail. It does not matter how many times you almost get it right. No one is going to know or care about your failures, and neither should you. All you have to do is learn from them and those around you because... All that matters in business is that you get it right once. Then everyone can tell you how lucky you are.

Writing the business proposal is a good thing for me. I began to understand the importance of a business proposal. It helps me to be prepared of what to expect. I have had three businesses in Malaysia. Only one was a success. I have had a fair share of experiences. In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later. I am not sure how much failed experience can I take some more. 

I do not know if I have chosen the right product. I hope this product is right. You know Henry Ford once said it is not the employer who pays the wages. He only handles the money. It is the product that pays the wages. Oh Diary, I am beginning to feel discourage already. I think I am going to finish the proposal and present it to the committee. If I am shortlisted, they will call me and that means they like my idea. The committee members consist of businesspersons who have been there and done that. Therefore, if they like my idea that also means with the right attitude, product and location, my business idea will have the potential of making it good. Is it right Diary? 

The good thing is, if I qualify to get the grant, they will also appoint a mentor relevant to my business to guide me. That is what I like about it. I need a mentor, a professional one. Nobody can do it alone. If you know, the already successful business people have their own coach. Sportsmen and women have one too. I must realise that we all need help regardless how independent we are. If things go well, it is just me Diary. I must at least try to see if they are going to like my proposal. To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart. I must be an optimist this time, because in optimism there is magic. In pessimism, there is nothing. I must learn how to look at the brighter side of life otherwise; it will be too hard to read.

Good Bye Love, It's Cha Cha Time

Dear Diary,

Something tells me that love is not worth to pursue. I could be right. I have mentioned her in my post many years ago. I do not think you would commit to memory as I do not mention her always. My encounter of her is too little to recollect. I once called her Daisy but now I believe Tiger would suit her more than a daisy. 

Tiger and I chatted a few weeks ago. However, I was bold as usual and that probably pushed her away. What can I say Diary, it is strange how you can get active chatting with a person that you hardly talk to anymore. It is sudden and I cannot comprehend it. After much probing, her girlfriend and she were separated. I did not know how bad it was but it was bad and now they broke up. 

So that perhaps explain why she began talking to me more than before. I once told her that straight and she said that I was honestly mean. She accepted that fact that truth always hurt and she did not chat with me for days after that. I was going through my friends’ list in facebook yesterday and I did not see her name. She deactivated her account and I text her to ask why. 

She has broken up with her girlfriend and I kind of felt sorry for her. She needed the space and time to be alone. Tiger and I, whenever we chatted, we chat with so much maturity and I like that. It is easy to connect with her. I came to know about the break up and I said my piece. I think most of the times I was fair in my comments although I do not take a liking to her ex girlfriend. I simply see her ex girlfriend as someone possesive and lacking confidence. I never really fancy her. I was pissed whenever Tiger brought her along when we met. I find it awkward and I held back a lot of things of what I really wanted to say. 

Tiger is alone now. As usual, I gave her some words of encouragement. I have been there, in her shoes. I know what it is like and I swear I do not want to go through that process ever again. Yes, I am scared. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had. I made it this far and I vowed not to be in that situation ever again. So you see why I am still single now Diary and why I am so bold with my comments about friendship and love. When love is not madness, it is not love. When you fall in love, expect yourself to be in a journey of a scary roller coaster ride. 

I am a victim of failed love. I never wanted love but it came to me and I failed. And I know the one person I love now is gone and I accept it. I did not see any reasons why I should fall in love with her again. I am here and she is there. I do not even know if I am going to make it there. What is the use of fantasising a love that is not going to happen? I was fine with the idea of loving her silently until I feel that it is going to be over for me. 

The thing about falling in love silently is, you will feel that everything is going to be alright until you know she is taken and loving someone else. I love silently and now I am in pain silently. Everything is silent now as silence is the true friend that never betrays. No need to say it out loud. I heard somewhere that silence is a source of great strength but I wonder why I am feeling so painful now and I just realised the silence depressed me.  It was not the silence of silence.  It was my own silence. I slowly took out the photo I still keep in my wallet, tore it and threw it away. It is time to let go for real. I cannot be in love with a shadow. Most importantly, I cannot be in love with someone who will not love me back. 

As of this time, I am recollecting the reasons why I love her so much, it could probably be just an infatuation. I can never recall being comfortable with her. I was sure when I was with her, I was not myself. Everything I did was to impress her. I was shy with her. She did not even know that I like my back to be scratch when I sleep. I did not let her come in into my secret little world that only I know. Shouldn’t love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. I was sure my soul was still in its hiding place when we were together. Perhaps our relationship was probably too short for me to invite her. So why would I still allow myself to fall in love with a woman who does not seem to make a connection with me. Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence because love is the poetry of the senses.

I am a little discourage now. I tried to know why but I am not sure of things anymore. Tiger plans to visit Singapore which I am not sure when. Kajol also told me she will be visiting Singapore soon which is not going to happen anymore. I did not really pay attention to any further extent. They can come whenever they want to. Singapore is a free country. I can see that Tiger is setting her heart free from a 12 year old relationship. I too have set my heart free. It is a little heavy now and I can feel that it is sinking but it will be free eventually.  I want to be that someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.