Good Bye Love, It's Cha Cha Time

Dear Diary,

Something tells me that love is not worth to pursue. I could be right. I have mentioned her in my post many years ago. I do not think you would commit to memory as I do not mention her always. My encounter of her is too little to recollect. I once called her Daisy but now I believe Tiger would suit her more than a daisy. 

Tiger and I chatted a few weeks ago. However, I was bold as usual and that probably pushed her away. What can I say Diary, it is strange how you can get active chatting with a person that you hardly talk to anymore. It is sudden and I cannot comprehend it. After much probing, her girlfriend and she were separated. I did not know how bad it was but it was bad and now they broke up. 

So that perhaps explain why she began talking to me more than before. I once told her that straight and she said that I was honestly mean. She accepted that fact that truth always hurt and she did not chat with me for days after that. I was going through my friends’ list in facebook yesterday and I did not see her name. She deactivated her account and I text her to ask why. 

She has broken up with her girlfriend and I kind of felt sorry for her. She needed the space and time to be alone. Tiger and I, whenever we chatted, we chat with so much maturity and I like that. It is easy to connect with her. I came to know about the break up and I said my piece. I think most of the times I was fair in my comments although I do not take a liking to her ex girlfriend. I simply see her ex girlfriend as someone possesive and lacking confidence. I never really fancy her. I was pissed whenever Tiger brought her along when we met. I find it awkward and I held back a lot of things of what I really wanted to say. 

Tiger is alone now. As usual, I gave her some words of encouragement. I have been there, in her shoes. I know what it is like and I swear I do not want to go through that process ever again. Yes, I am scared. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had. I made it this far and I vowed not to be in that situation ever again. So you see why I am still single now Diary and why I am so bold with my comments about friendship and love. When love is not madness, it is not love. When you fall in love, expect yourself to be in a journey of a scary roller coaster ride. 

I am a victim of failed love. I never wanted love but it came to me and I failed. And I know the one person I love now is gone and I accept it. I did not see any reasons why I should fall in love with her again. I am here and she is there. I do not even know if I am going to make it there. What is the use of fantasising a love that is not going to happen? I was fine with the idea of loving her silently until I feel that it is going to be over for me. 

The thing about falling in love silently is, you will feel that everything is going to be alright until you know she is taken and loving someone else. I love silently and now I am in pain silently. Everything is silent now as silence is the true friend that never betrays. No need to say it out loud. I heard somewhere that silence is a source of great strength but I wonder why I am feeling so painful now and I just realised the silence depressed me.  It was not the silence of silence.  It was my own silence. I slowly took out the photo I still keep in my wallet, tore it and threw it away. It is time to let go for real. I cannot be in love with a shadow. Most importantly, I cannot be in love with someone who will not love me back. 

As of this time, I am recollecting the reasons why I love her so much, it could probably be just an infatuation. I can never recall being comfortable with her. I was sure when I was with her, I was not myself. Everything I did was to impress her. I was shy with her. She did not even know that I like my back to be scratch when I sleep. I did not let her come in into my secret little world that only I know. Shouldn’t love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. I was sure my soul was still in its hiding place when we were together. Perhaps our relationship was probably too short for me to invite her. So why would I still allow myself to fall in love with a woman who does not seem to make a connection with me. Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence because love is the poetry of the senses.

I am a little discourage now. I tried to know why but I am not sure of things anymore. Tiger plans to visit Singapore which I am not sure when. Kajol also told me she will be visiting Singapore soon which is not going to happen anymore. I did not really pay attention to any further extent. They can come whenever they want to. Singapore is a free country. I can see that Tiger is setting her heart free from a 12 year old relationship. I too have set my heart free. It is a little heavy now and I can feel that it is sinking but it will be free eventually.  I want to be that someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.