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Salam Aidiladha

 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha Diary. Aku puasa arafah dan baru merancang untuk memasak maggie curry untuk berbuka tetapi telah dikejutkan dengan bau harum masakan abang aku di rumah ketika pulang. Alhamdulillah rezeki di malam Aidiladha untuk aku. Mak, ayah...terima kasih kerana menjadikan kita manusia. Salam Aidiladha dari Singapura ke kampung...mohon ampun dan maaf.

 

My Own Curry Maggi

I learnt this from my mother. This is how I eat my curry maggie. Jemput makan Diary.

Salad Melayu

I cooked this for dinner. Jemput makan Diary.

Puasa Sunat Arafah

23rd September

Kini Baru Terasa

Tiba-tiba realiti menusuk kalbu
Dan aku terus lesu terpaku

I Will Not Stop

Because I have loved and love you still.

It Is My Turn To Feel

Dear Diary,

I guess there will come a time when you just don’t care about anything anymore. You do not care what you say, what you eat, what you feel, what you do and most importantly what people will think of you. You start becoming numb to everything that surrounds you. You become oblivious to the environment.  That is only because you get so dissapointed with hope that the only thing to do is to erase hope from your life. You think being numb is good but numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. 

You learn to take things one at a time. You learn that you have to be on your own to heal. Let people hate you but as long as you are doing it to survive then it is fine. The haze looks like it is gone but I am not sure if it is going to come back. It does not matter because it happens every year although Indonesia does not make it an official gift to her neighbouring countries. 

The air we breathe in is already polluted so tell me, why does it matter? We live because we exist and most of us know that we really do not have any choice. To have a choice is to be able to choose to live or not. We can’t unless suicide is a choice. We hope against hope that things will be better. Yes, of course things will get better but as you are about to heal, shit happens and there you go again, picking up the pieces again and again. It does not stop because it is a cycle. You let it happen and you regret that you allow it. 

You do not talk about it because talking about it will only make you feel more hopeless. It stays in your heart, in your brain, in your stomach never wanting to go away. You try pushing it away but it still comes back and haunts you. And then you realise, what you have done to others are happening to you. Life is like a turning wheel, you can be up and you can be down anytime. 

You start remembering how you treat the people who have loved you. They loved you but you did not love them back. It was all about lust. One after another. It was so easy for you. Their feelings were secondary. All you thought of was about yourself and in the end, you are left with yourself. 

 

Do not be sad, stop crying your heart out because you deserve what you got. How does it feel now? These are exactly what they felt. The women who have loved you like blood, who have never hurt you, never played you out but only to love you with all their might. And who could forget that you never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really have.    

It Is Probably The Haze

Dear Diary,

I think I am going to be sick. It must be the haze. My body feels feverish and I have started coughing. I took panadols and have been drinking lots of water. I fast today and cooked myself maggi curry to break my fast. It is totally different when mum is around. If she knows I am fasting, she will definitely cook for me. I am missing my parents so much. I wish I could just go there and live with them. It is so difficult to feel this way because this house used to be cheerful and noisy but without my parents, it is quiet. It is so quiet I could hear myself breathing.

I am writing to you from my phone and pardon me if the paragraphs are not aligned properly. I am lying down as I type and I am feeling sleepy, tired, sad and sick. I need to rest more and with the haze...it makes everything worst. My life is as hazy as the sky now. Good night Diary.

Motor Baru Ayah

Quran Buruk Ku Di Kampung

Hello Diary,

Jumpa lagi kita. Alhamdulillah, kita dipanjangkan umur untuk bersua lagi. Aku harap engkau tidak pernah bosan untuk membaca coretan coretan aku yang tidak seberapa ini. Hanya nukilan seorang insan biasa yang tidak pernah jemu menulis walaupun kadang kala tulisannya membuatnya dibenci dan disalah faham. Pernah aku ingin berhenti menulis kerana aku rasakan tulisan aku hanya membawa duka di hati tetapi dengan menulis sahaja aku dapat meluahkan isi hati. Aku tidak ada channel lain yang aku boleh guna selain menulis jadi aku yakin menulis ini adalah my cup of tea. Biarkan sahaja jikalau tulisan aku mengundang kebencian kerana aku tidak boleh menyenangkan semua manusia dan begitu juga sebaliknya. Kita semuanya sama, manusia biasa yang meminjam masa daripada Tuhan untuk bernafas di dunia yang sementara ini. 

Terasa rindu yang amat sangat kepada kedua Quran buruk ku. Mereka sudah berada di kampung semenjak dua hari lalu. Aku tinggalkan mereka di sana kerana itulah kehendak mereka. Mereka sudah bersara jadi di kampunglah mereka ingin menghabiskan masa masa tua. Bukan untuk bercucuk tanam, tetapi untuk mencari kedamaian menghirup udara kampung yang jauh lebih tenang daripada di kota singa ini. Aku mengaku bahawa aku berasa sedih sekali bila pulang ke Singapura tanpa mereka. Sebak di dada terasa tetapi aku sembunyikan perasaan itu. Aku tidak mahu menunjukkan sangat pada Quran buruk ku. Sememangnya hati aku memang sudah dilanda badai, ribut dan taufan tetapi apa hak aku untuk melepaskan kepada mereka. Mereka adalah dua insan yang patut aku sanjung. 

Dengan berat hati aku pulang tanpa mereka dan dalam diam aku berdoa supaya mereka selamat. Aku risau sebenarnya. Dalam fikiran aku, macam mana nanti kalau mereka mahu ke kedai atau mahu ke mana mana. Ibuku jarang memandu. Walaupun punyai kereta sendiri tetapi dia sudah bertahun tidak memandu, jadi bila dia memandu memang banyak sekali kekurangannya. Aku risau memikirkannya. Tapi aku yakin dengan kecekalan hati ibuku, satu hari nanti dia akan memandu dengan bagus. Sama sahaja dengan aku masa mula mula aku memandu. Dapat sahaja lesen aku terus memandu di Kuala Lumpur. aku masih ingat lagi masa masa itu. Aku sudah berpindah ke sana tetapi lesen kereta masih belum ada. Susah betul rasanya mahu pass. Genap dua bulan aku pindah ke KL, aku pun pass dan ayah aku terus membelikan aku kereta kancil. Dengan kancil itulah juga aku mencipta kenangan di KL. Ada yang baik, gembira, sedih, sakit, marah dan macam macam lagi. Tetapi sekarang aku hanya ingin mengingati yang baik baik sahaja. 

Sekarang, dengan wang yang ada, aku belikan pula ayah aku motor. Tidak mahal, hanya second hand sahaja untuk dia pergi ke kedai atau ke mesjid. Comel motosikalnya. Warnanya pink dan aku juga membelikan helmet pink untuknya.  Biar matching dan yang penting warna kegemaran ayah aku juga pink! Sekurang-kurangnya, ayah aku tidak perlu lagi mengharap orang lain membawanya ke mana dia mahu pergi. Bila sudah bermotor, senanglah untuk dia. Budget aku cuma rm4000 sahaja, tetapi harga motor sekali dengan grant dan road tax dan helmet adalah rm3400. Second hand sahaja yang aku mampu Diary tetapi motor itu cuma tahun 2013. Jadi baru sahaja berusia 2 tahun. Engine nya masih bagus dan sangat sesuai untuk ayah aku. Motornya kecil, tidak berat dan senang untuk ayah aku naik. Engkau tahu kan ayah aku bertongkat dan gemuk pula. Aku rasa berat badan dia lebih berat dari motor itu. Hehehe…

Aku tahu dia gembira dengan motornya dan aku juga suka melihat dia gembira. Ayah, anakmu ini cuba buat yang terbaik untukmu. Mungkin anakmu ini adalah seorang yang jahat pada mata orang lain, tetapi cukuplah jikalau engkau tidak menganggapnya jahat. Hanya restu dan doa dari engkau yang boleh menguatkan semangat anakmu ini. Sekarang, aku harus pulihkan semangat aku. Cukuplah untuk melihat kedua Quran buruk ku gembira dan sihat. Nanti, hari raya haji, aku akan pulang ke kampung untuk berjumpa mereka. Tetapi mereka tidak akan pulang bersamaku. Terpaksalah aku menahan rindu pada mereka lagi. Mungkin bila sudah cukup duit aku nanti, aku boleh terus menetap di sana bersama kedua Quran buruk ku nanti. Doakan aku ya Diary.

Hiatus

A Letter For You

Silence is the best option but leaving silently is not. No intentions to argue or countering but just to tell the truth.

 

I wanted to ask for your hand to be my girlfriend but someone else has done it first. I lost. I felt heartbroken and dissapointed and angry so I wrote out of anger. I cannot take it back. 

You said she is someone who can love you sincerely. I am sorry I did not make you feel the same. 

You said she is willing to give you time. I am sorry I did not. 

You said she never gives up on you. I am sorry I did not try hard enough. 

You said I come and leave as I please in your life. I am sorry for not staying. 

You said not to judge you for accepting her. I am sorry for not being worthy for you to accept me back.

You said she knows you do not like to make a girlfriend out of your friends. I am sorry I remember this too well that I was afraid you take me as a friend.

You told me it is okay to text you anytime. I listened.... And....when I stopped... 

You said you miss our conversations and you hate me for that. I am sorry to make you feel like that. 

You said you do not want me to take you as nothing. I am sorry for trying to remember your favourite colour is baby blue, you like teh tarik and always have iced milo when you eat out, you like chappati, you always eat for two, you do not like the beach, you cannot wait to turn 40, you like older women, you hate pink, you don't like to text, you like letters than emails, physical cards than electronic cards, Thai food than Chinese food, you hate sesame oil, you like hot and spicy food than bland food, you like cili padi so much that you cook maggi with it, you like potato curry puffs, you like telur ikan, you hate your credit card because it makes you pening. I am sorry for remembering too much about you that forgetting them is difficult. 

I am sorry for writing with so much anger that you feel this way. I will not forgive myself for that. 

I am sorry for not remembering your birthdays after all these years. I remember now.

I am sorry for getting excited when I received your birthday wishes every year.

I am sorry for making you think that you can have me as a good friend in your life. Forgive me as I can't.

 

I am sorry for coming into your life. I will leave

I am sorry for hurting you. I will not anymore

I am sorry for allowing you to come into my dreams. I will stop now

I am sorry for not fighting for this love I have for you, to say it out of my mouth so that you will understand

I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made and did not apologise more

I am sorry that I cannot win your heart back

I am sorry that I cannot be like her

I am sorry for loving you so much that only God can understand

Farewell to the love that I once believed

Farewell to the little teddy bear that replaced you when I was missing you

Farewell to the photos and card I keep in my wallet

Farewell to the woman whose wishes and dreams I pray to come true

Farewell to the memories that bloom eternal in the garden of my heart

FaikaNur

PS: Thank you for the love you once had for me. May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you with her. Goodbye.

Hard Truth

If And Only If

Too Much

Humans

Bitter Truth

Kuatkan Semangatmu

Savings & Desires

Dear Diary,

I did not go to the bakery as I left my phone at home. I totally had forgotten about it. Maybe I will go tomorrow. Tomorrow is Thursday and it is time for me to fast again. I have been fasting regularly on Monday and Thursday whenever I can. 

I came out with a plan. If I can save $1000 every month for four years continuously and add that to my existing savings, I will have more than what I aimed for. I have to be discipline though. I have to cut on unnecessary spending. I have to travel less and stay focus. 

Sometimes, we have to suffer a little to get what we want. We have to sacrifice a little to achieve our desires. We have to be misunderstood for things without any explanations, be blamed for, be hated for and live with guilt. Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down.

Side Income Hunting

Dear Diary,

Today is a bad hairday for me. I did not wash my hair in the morning and it ended up oily and sticky. It was not wavy at all and I hated it so much. I bought breakfast at the MRT station as usual and I saw an advertisement in need of part time staff at a bakery shop. The timing there states 6pm-10pm. I am so interested. Perhaps I will go tomorrow and make enquiries. The location and timing suits me. I do not really like to work at a place that requires me to wear uniform. I hate uniforms so much. This is a good opportunity as I can work straight after I finish my full time job. My transport will bring me to the MRT station and the shop is just around the corner. I am not sure if it is halal bakery but it has the same name as the halal food kiosk next to it. I am not sure but I hope they are and I hope there is still have vacancy and I am able to start immediately. Wish me luck Diary. 

I can feel that my determination to reach RM100K is burning. I miss my friends there. Make my dreams come true please.