It Is My Turn To Feel

Dear Diary,

I guess there will come a time when you just don’t care about anything anymore. You do not care what you say, what you eat, what you feel, what you do and most importantly what people will think of you. You start becoming numb to everything that surrounds you. You become oblivious to the environment.  That is only because you get so dissapointed with hope that the only thing to do is to erase hope from your life. You think being numb is good but numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. 

You learn to take things one at a time. You learn that you have to be on your own to heal. Let people hate you but as long as you are doing it to survive then it is fine. The haze looks like it is gone but I am not sure if it is going to come back. It does not matter because it happens every year although Indonesia does not make it an official gift to her neighbouring countries. 

The air we breathe in is already polluted so tell me, why does it matter? We live because we exist and most of us know that we really do not have any choice. To have a choice is to be able to choose to live or not. We can’t unless suicide is a choice. We hope against hope that things will be better. Yes, of course things will get better but as you are about to heal, shit happens and there you go again, picking up the pieces again and again. It does not stop because it is a cycle. You let it happen and you regret that you allow it. 

You do not talk about it because talking about it will only make you feel more hopeless. It stays in your heart, in your brain, in your stomach never wanting to go away. You try pushing it away but it still comes back and haunts you. And then you realise, what you have done to others are happening to you. Life is like a turning wheel, you can be up and you can be down anytime. 

You start remembering how you treat the people who have loved you. They loved you but you did not love them back. It was all about lust. One after another. It was so easy for you. Their feelings were secondary. All you thought of was about yourself and in the end, you are left with yourself. 

 

Do not be sad, stop crying your heart out because you deserve what you got. How does it feel now? These are exactly what they felt. The women who have loved you like blood, who have never hurt you, never played you out but only to love you with all their might. And who could forget that you never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really have.