They Deserve It

Dear Diary,

I am home alone. I received a text message from Flying Babe today telling me not to be an angry bird and appreciate the time I have with my family. I guessed she has just read you Diary. I am not angry. At the time I wrote my entry, I was thinking how trusting I was with people. I was thinking how kind I was. I was always honest telling them stories about myself because to me I was sincere about our friendship. I was always being straightforward and truthful, regardless if I have met them or not.

Of course I did not reveal everything about myself but I do not hide the little details. No Diary, I did not share my bank account numbers with them neither did I share my home address or my personal identification number but I do share with them stories of my life. Beautifulwithbrain, kamen and Biya, they were all hush hush about their lives. I do not even know what car they drive. It was so difficult for them to tell and when I asked, some simply say that they are just like that; not willing to share personal details easily with people they met online. 

At that time, we were already chatting for more than a year and we are friends in Facebook. I have a collection of albums in my Facebook and we were not just communicating online, we chatted on the phone as well. Beautifulwithbrain was secretive about how she looks like but she was willing to talk to me offline. We often chatted by voice chat on Yahoo Messenger. As far as I remembered, I only asked for her photos once and when she had so many terms and conditions, I stopped asking. Ironically, she always asked me for photos and I always obliged. In fact, she did not need to ask, my photo collections are all in my Facebook account. She is free to see them. Kamen on the other hand was not shy about how she looks like but she was shy about talking on the phone. She does not pick up when I call and she does not speak if we were on Yahoo Messenger voice chat. So you see Diary, how weird people can be? And the funny thing is all of them never fail to admit that they were ikhlas to be my friends. 

I swear to God I did not understand the fuck they meant. People are just being people you know. I am not sure if I should respect their wish or just pretend to be plain stupid. It sounded ironic and it made me feel like a bloody fool chatting with them, wasting my fucking time with them just so I could be one of the people, they would call a friend instead of just an acquaintance. I wonder what were they thinking when they chatted with me. I wonder why the hell did they chat with me for more than a year if they really do not have the intention to be friends. 

Just about this morning, Gummy Bear send me a voice message through whatsaap asking why has it been a long time since I last sent her a voice message. I was pissed. I was thinking, what the fuck? Yes I always greeted her with good morning almost everyday. I was always the one who initiated it until I decided to stop. I swear to God, it was always me to start it. Not once do I remember getting morning greetings from her first before I sent her mine. It is hard to explain. People might think that I am expecting the same thing for what I did but I am not. I don’t know how to explain Diary.

It is like you always ended up paying for food when you go out with a friend and you wonder when will that friend ever going to pay for your lunch or dinner you know. People get tired of situations if it happens continuously. People just lose steam and become disinterested. I told her off. I was not rude I am sure but I simply told her off and she probably felt like getting a tight slap in the face. She said “whatever” and I shot back “whatever wak lu…hahahaha”.

Biya is like that. Her respond pattern is the same like Gummy Bear. Hardly started the greetings first and always takes a long time to reply. Reasons being she is an auditor thus busy at work. I have stopped all forms of communication with all these people in my life. I believe my gut feelings and I always believe it is always about actions that show if you are ikhlas or not. If you want people to treat you good, then you have to lead by example. If you have done so and you feel that you are not appreciated, then it is time to move on. Everybody needs to move on. I have moved on from these people a long time ago. I have learned and I have been schooled.

I could not care less Diary. The theory is not difficult to fathom. It does not take a rocket scientist to comprehend. I was thinking, if Gummy Bear had noticed that I have not been sending her morning greetings like always, why couldn’t she start it for a change instead of sending me a message asking me why I have stopped. That’s the thing that ticked me. So, what is the deal exactly? Gummy bear only expects me to do so instead of her doing it to me. Is that what she was thinking? You get what I mean now Diary? If only she did not ask me that question and just greeted me with a hello, I would be fine with her. Perhaps it is true I am simply one hard bitch to please. Whatever you idiots. Ikhlas? Ikhlas wak lu! Your opinions don’t matter to me.

 

  

My New Toys

Hello Diary,

We meet again. Yes I bought the Polaroid xs100 and I am loving it. I like the many features and specifications about this camera. Firstly, it has 120 degrees wide angle lens and it captures photos so amazingly nice. I have tested it and my god, I am so in love with this camera. Even if it is an action camera, I can take photos using the self timer feature. It is simply awesome. The monopod came. I tested it with Samsung nx1000 and also the Polaroid xs100. They work fine. Now, if I am alone I can easily take photos of myself without having to ask help from passers by.

I am watching The Walking Dead now Diary. I cannot focus. I will write again ok. Take a look at my cameras.  

My Second Dream Car

Things I Should Be Grateful of

Dear Diary,

 

I think I am going to buy the Polaroid camera today after work. I am excited to have it and I cannot wait to get my hands on it. I have also bought the selfie monopod online and once it has arrived, I am ready to test it. My camera collection would be complete once I have bought the Polaroid XS100. I can still use Samsung NX1000 for photo takings and video but that kind of camera is usually used for leisure holidays instead of adventure holidays. I am planning to make a videography for every holiday I go to.

 

The Polaroid XS100 is waterproof up till 10 meters so I am sure I will not be having problem taking pictures with it when it rain or shines. Furthermore, the Polaroid XS100 is a action camera. I can mount it on my helmet, handlebar or anywhere to record my adventure journey. I just have to have it you know. I may need to buy a new micro SD card. Just recently I bought a 16gb samsung micro SD card but I am using it for my SLR camera. I don’t want to switch the memory cards between the cameras. They are so tiny I can lose it if I am careless and I know I can be careless. I have one 8gb micro SD card but I think it would be too small for anything especially video taking. I might have to get a dry box too for the cameras. I don’t think I would want to invest again on any other cameras so I

better keep my cameras safely.

 

Do you remember Peppermint Diary? Guess what, I text her the other day and invited her to join me for the day hike at Gunung Datuk. She declined but she told me she is coming to Singapore and needs me to show her around. I am just excited as well as I am worried. Excited to meet a friend and worried because if I have successfully found myself a job, I might have to start work early. Well, I don’t know Diary. I am asking for a transfer and I have applied for the posts but there is still no news yet. Anyway, I have indicated on the resume that I can only start work on 1^st April. I have decided to still work for awhile until I have enough money to move back to Kl.  

 

Have I told you that my credit facilities with the banks have been approved? I am happy, at least that gives me some security. I know now that I have something to fall back on. When my applications were approved, I was excitedbecause I know that will give me the assurance of having something to depend on in times of emergency. I have been trying to get some credit facilities from the banks since I moved back. Looking back, a lot of good things have happened lately. While I am telling you, I just realised that and how silly I am to think that I am unfortunate sometimes. You see Diary, you got to know what you have before you can call yourself unlucky or unfortunate. The things that I have ever wanted like the credit facilities and free from Tubercolosis are all granted to me. What more can I ask for?

 

Syukur. That is what I have to do. I supposed I will be most happy when I get to move back to KL, start up my own business again, buy myself a second car; a suzuki jimny perhaps, go climb mountains over the weekends and travel as and when I like. Oh my, that would be my ideal lifestyle. Three more years perhaps…yeah…three more years.  

Action Camera Aku Di Masa Hadapan

Hello Diary,

Selamat bertemu lagi kita. Aku sedang menonton TV di ruang tamu. Entah apa yang aku tonton kerana mataku tidak langsung lekat di TV sebaliknya mata aku lekat di screen laptop menonton youtube tentang Action Camera Polaroid model XS100. Ya aku sedang memikirkan mahu atau tidak mahu beli. Aku sudah mempunyai camera SLR Samsung NX1000 tetapi aku masih mahu memiliki camera action yang sememangnya tahan lasak untuk digunakan untuk activity lasak aku seperti memanjat gunung, white water rafting, waterfall abseilling, ATV Ride, roller blading dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Mula mula aku ingin sekali membeli Polaroid XS9 tetapi lama lama setelah membaca reviews dan menonton youtube mengenai model camera itu, aku rasa lebih baik aku membeli model yang lagi satu iaitu XS100. Ianya lebih baik dan sedikit atas dari XS9. Aku suka semua reviews dan reviews yang diberi oleh pengguna rata rata semuanya positive. Bukan tidak ada flaws model itu, tetapi reviews nya lebih banyak positive dari negative.

Aku juga akan membeli action helmet di Vietnam nanti. Wah...banyak betul barang yang akan aku beli nanti. Tidak apalah Diary, memang aku patut pun kerana aku tahu sudah sekian lama aku tidak memanjakan diri ini. Kalau tidak sekarang bila lagi kan? Lagipun I deserve it. Jauh sudah perjalanan aku dari Singapura ke Kuala Lumpur dan kini pulang kembali ke Singapura. Dari seorang yang berwang ke seorang yang tidak berwang dan kini kembali berwang. Walaupun tidak kaya tetapi cukup untuk memanjakan diri dan menjalankan tanggungjawab kepada keluarga. Alhamdulillah syukur aku kepadamu Tuhan.

Masih teringat lagi waktu semasa aku baru pulang ke pangkuan keluarga. Begitu kecil dan kerdil diri ini aku rasa. Di waktu itu, Beautifulwithbrain selalu sangat menemani aku hinggakan semuanya aku bercerita kepadanya. Manis sungguh pengalaman itu, seolah olah she was my other half. Ketawa menangis semuanya sekali. Orang pergi dan orang datang, biasa biasa saja semuanya. Sudah ditulis dan tidak perlu lagi menyoal dan bertanya kenapa mengapa dan bagaimana. Yang pergi biarkan saja dia pergi, yang hilang tidak usah dicari kerana manusia tidak boleh ditukar ganti. Jangan disimpan lagi apa apa pun perasaan yang ada. Langkah harus diteruskan, perjalanan mesti sampai ke destinasinya. Macam mana pun caranya jua.

Sudah cukup ya Diary, mari berecrita pasal camera itu lagi. Harganya lebih mahal sedikit dari XS9 tetapi apa salahnya jikalau quality video dan audio yang akan aku dapat setanding dengan GoPro camera malah lebih baik dari GoPro. Aku hanya rasakan yang camera GoPro sangat sangat overrated. Sana sini ramai sahaja yang bercakap tentang GoPro tetapi kalau dibandingkan dan membuat research dan homework sendiri, XS100 Polaroid mendapat lebih banyak pujian dari quality videonya. Aku yakin dengan Polaroid XS100. Mungkin besok atau bila bila sebelum aku memanjat Gunung Datuk akan aku beli camera itu. Aku rasa inilah yang membuat kan aku sibuk atau membuat aku beralihkan attention aku. FaikaNur and her gadgets. Itu sudah cukup membuat aku relax.

Aku boleh juga membuat videography tentang activity activity aku nanti. Mungkin juga aku akan merakamkan video aku ke vietnam nanti. Video itu akan menjadi kenangan untuk aku dan famili aku. Itu pun jikalau aku mempunyai keturunan di masa hadapan. Sedih sedikit bila bercakap mengenai ini kerana aku tahu siapa diri ini. Wahai Tuhan, aku masih begini lagi. Tidak ada rasa yang aku akan berubah kerana aku tidak mampu membohongi nafsu dan naluri dalaman aku. Sesungguhnya, kaum hawa adalah kelemahan aku. Walaupun aku tidak mempunyai seseorang yang mencitai aku sekarang aku tahu untuk siapakah hati aku ini. Sudah sekian lama tapi masih tetap untuk dia. Cukuplah sekadar hanya aku sahaja yang tahu. Cukuplah hanya aku sahaja yang menyayangi dia walaupun dalam diam, walaupun dari jauh dan walaupun dia mungkin tidak menyanyangi aku sepertimana aku menyayangi dia.

Aku tidur dulu Diary. Selamat malam.  

I am Tubercolosis Free

Dear Diary,

I think I am going to be busy this March. I am going to climb a mountain on one Sunday. I am going to be a tour guide for a friend who is coming to Singapore for four days. I am also going to Vietnam for a holiday for 5 days. Everything is going to happen in March. It looks like I am going to change my jobs or perhaps change to a different department. I hope it would be the latter as I still like what this company has to offer. I hope things are going to be smooth for me. 

 

I have confirmed my Vietnam trip. I have everything booked and I am simply counting days to it. I have many stuffs to buy there. I guess mostly it would be stuffs for hiking like backpacks, fleece jacket and many more. I have written it down so I won’t forget what to buy there. You know how I can forget things.  

Today would be the last day of my medical check up. I am discharged from Tubercolosis. I can say that I am healthy and well now. Alhamdulillah. I did not expect this coming as I had in mind that it would be in March. I did not expect it to be sooner. I was happy when the doctor announced it to me. There are many things that I wanted to do but I can’t because of my disease. I have to go to the polyclinic everyday without fail just so I can eat my medicine under the watchful eyes of the nurse. The injection stopped 3 months ago and soon the medicines I have to take become lesser gradually. 

 

I broke the news first to Flying Babe. I don’t know why. It is probably because she showed her concern and I talked in details about it with her. I felt that we connected about it. I supposed it is only natural for me to do that. She must be busy when I told her. I don’t know but I just feel that way. I told her too that I am going to climb a mountain. She told me to take care of myself.

Well, yeah I am a bit nervous about it. This is going to be the first time I am climbing a mountain alone. Well, not literally alone. I am meeting the other climbers there and I don’t know any of them! I decided to join them because it has really been a long time since I climb. I have started to miss climbing very much. I knew I would have to do it alone eventually. Climbing is a hobby and you cannot be lucky to have good friends that share the same hobbies. 

The only person I knew who can climb with me is Infinity. I taught her a lot about climbing and I brought her to liking climbing. The good thing about her is that she did not do it because I was her girlfriend, she did it because she liked it too. Since we broke up, I don’t think she has done it on her own. I strongly doubt so. It was me who always packed her stuffs for her. She was simply lazy to do anything on her own. I bet she wouldn’t be able to answer if you asked her a simple question about packing for a hiking trip. She did not help me to cook, clean, pack and unpack up in the mountain. That is her you know, I got used to it. Love really did make me blind. 

Another thing is she does not even have the basic hiking equipments. So I was thinking, she might like it but she was not willing to spend on the equipments, always had to depend on me. Yeah, I might be right. She probably was not serious about it. When I knew her, I do not remember if she had any hobby similar to mine. She likes bowling and she had the equipments. She has her own ball and her pair of bowling shoes.  

I was the one who introduced her to hiking. I supposed we need to have hobbies. Hobbies are important to divert us from being melodramatic about the sad things that happened in our lives. But then again, we need to be prepared to spend some money into our hobbies. Some hobbies are cheap while some are expensive. I would say that hiking and travelling would be my expensive hobbies while writing and watching movies are my cheap hobbies. If you are not prepared to spend then forget about having a hobby. The thing about some people is they just like to make use of situations, circumstances and people. They like to do it, they don’t mind doing it, but they just don’t want to spend and always end up borrowing or using other people’s equipments for their own convenience. I constantly remind myself not to be like that. If I have, God forgives me.