On The Edge

Dear Diary,

I am on the verge of giving up. I really am. There are many difficulties that I face and the stress level is high. The job is demanding and I cannot cope. I have tried so hard to keep up but I think I have had enough. It is not easy when most of the times I do not know what to do and how to do things. To add up to the difficulties, some trainer are not willing to teach me again the things that they have taught me before. They might have think that I should have known how to get things done by now. The truth is I still don't and I forget things. I barely work here for 1 month and 5 days so how can they expect me to learn quickly. They probably have certain hopes for me which can perhaps be unrealistic. 

Sometimes I feel that I am not getting the support that I need when I need help. There are 2 trainers that are training me; one is helpful and understanding but one is selfish and not helpful. I would like to call her Cunt. Cunt is from China and has been living and working in this company for 3 years. Can you compare me with her? Absolutely not. You always compare an apple with an apple. You cannot compare a staff with 3 years of working experience with another staff with barely 1.5 months of experience. That is the logic. 

The environment is fast pace and everybody try to do their job as quickly as possible. Everybody has deadlines to meet and tasks to complete. I cannot cope Diary. It is too fast pace for me and it can be a little too overwhelming. I do not know what to do sometimes. Things are only easy when I know what to do and how to do it but now I don't. And for me to know what to do and how to do it will probably take me 6 full months. And I cannot do it alone. I must be patient, the people around me must be patient and if the patience do not come with understanding, I am afraid I will have to give up.

Selamat Hari Ibu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini hari Ibu. Aku tidak mempunyai apa apa pun untuk ibuku tetapi aku tahu dia tahu apa dalam hati ku. Aku sentiasa mendoakan kesejahteraan dan kebahagiaan ibuku. Aku sungguh sungguh berharap bahawa dia akan hidup lagi lama supaya aku boleh berjasa dengannya. Kadang kala ada juga selisih faham dengannya tetapi di satu sudut dalam hatiku seboleh bolehnya aku mahu sahaja rewind hidupku supaya keselisihan faham itu tidak wujud.

Aku bukanlah seorang anak yang baik Diary. Tetapi aku tahu aku mencuba untuk jadi yang terbaik dan tidak mahu menitiskan air matanya. Hingga sekarang dia tidak tahu siapa aku sebenar benarnya. Ini adalah satu satunya perkara yang aku mesti sembunyikan darinya. Pasti kecewa hatinya jikalau dia tahu. Jikalau aku boleh melakukan miracle, sudah tentu aku akan mengubah jiwa naluri aku untuk menjadi seorang yang normal. 

Maafkanlah anakmu ini wahai ibu kerana tidak mampu memberikan menantu dan cucu padamu. Sangat susah untuk menipu diri dan berpura pura untuk mencintaai. Kalaulah engkau boleh merasa apa yang aku rasa Diary, engkau pasti faham dengan keadaan diri aku. Aku tidak pernah berbangga dengan pilihan hati aku tetapi siapa aku untuk menidakkannya? Aku manusia. Aku punyai nafsu dan kelemahan. Aku tidak sekuat mana yang engkau sangkakan. Aku tidak mohon untuk orang sekeliling menerima siapa aku sebenarnya tetapi aku cuma mahu difahami. 

Aku tahu saudara mara mesti bercakap ataupun bertanya tentang diri aku tetapi apakan daya aku tidak mampu mengawal apa orang hendak berfikiran mengenai diriku. Cukuplah sahaja untuk aku tidak melayan kerenah mereka kerana mulut manusia memang tidak boleh aku kawal. Biarkan sahaja si luncai terjun dengan labu labunya. Janganlah aku turut terjun kerana itu hanya merugikan aku.

Memang hati aku mungkin sudah tutup untuk menerima cinta dari seorang lelaki. Bukan aku sombong tetapi aku tidak mampu membalas cinta seorang yang bergelar lelaki. Hati aku sudah aku tetapkan untuk dia, perempuan yang tidak pernah aku jemu menyayangi tetapi aku juga tidak pasti jikalau dia sudi menerima aku kembali. Susah untuk aku menceritakan. Kadang kala ingin sahaja aku bertanya kepada dia supaya teka teki ini akhirnya terjawab tetapi aku juga sebenarnya takut. Takut untuk menerima jawapan yang bukan aku harapkan. Jadi biarkan sahaja teka teki itu tidak terjawab. 

Aku tidur dulu Diary. Esok aku mahu kerja; sesuatu yang menakutkan untukku. Selamat malam dan selamat hari ibu.

Different People, Same Hope

Dear Diary,

I had a chit chat with mother about my work. It was a good conversation. At least I managed to release the tensions that I have been holding up. I told her about the environment and I told her about my colleagues. Well, she asked and so I told. I did not complain.

I can see that she hopes for me to stay in this job. She probably notices that I do not stay in one company for long. No I am not job hopping but I think some people think I am. I am not sure but I have to admit that I have worked in more than 20 places all my life. I am 38 and if I have worked in more than 20 places, yes I am afraid I have been job hopping. I did not mean to but I had to because I have low tolerance of things that I do not like to do. 

I have this natural habit to walk away from problems. I do not like to face problems instead I walk away. That probably contributes to the reasons why I have held so many jobs before. But...after all that, I still manage to buy a house, own a car, go for long vacations, pay my bills and gives pocket money to my parents. So at least that gives me the pleasure to know I am useful and responsible to be able to achieve all that despite not having a career. 

So you see Diary, simply because one does not have a career, that does not stop one from achieving necessary but simple things in life. Of course my car does not cost me 100 thousands and my house does not cost half a million. I did not have a luxurious holiday instead I had a simple backpacking holiday but still had enough to shop while vacationing. I do not give thousands of dollars of pocket money to my parents but I give them in hundreds. I hardly eat at fancy restaurants but I have never gone hungry or starved to death because I have no money to put food on the table. 

I am insured with 4 insurance policies and I have not lapsed any premiums yet. I am 100% medically covered so that gives me assurance if I die, my family especially my parents have money for their expenses from my death. If I get sick, I know I do not have to worry about my hospital bills since I am fully covered. I have savings in my bank account and and I have invested some money in unit trust that pays my beneficiaries double the amount in my investment should I die. Yes, I have made the preparations because I do not want to die as a burden to my family. I have made a vow if I were to die, my parents would not have to worry about having less money to spend for expenditures as I have made sure they will have enough. 

So Diary, can I quit if I am finding it hard to cope with my work? No, I do not plan to quit just yet. I like this job and I will be fine. I know I will be good at it when the time comes. I am strong, I know that. Even Flying Babe agrees. She hopes the same for me too like my mother; that I stay longer in this job. Perhaps she notices my work habit. Does it matter? Yes it matters. Her opinions of me always matter. Two very important women in my life, they are different but share same hope for me. I do not want to fail them. I will try hard not to fail them. I know it is hard but I am trying.

I pray to Allah that things are going to be good for me. I hope Allah hears and answer my prayers. Please Allah make things easier for me at work. Please make my colleagues understand my situations at work. Please Allah, I need your help big time. I am praying so hard now because I know you will help me. I have faith in you.

Keep Calm And Say Astaghfirullah

Dear Diary,

How are you? I wish you well there, wherever you are. I had a lot to say to you before I began writing but it seems that I am having a mental block now and I am unsure if I can continue writing. Oh well perhaps we can talk about my work ya? 

I have gotten my own permanent desk in the office. I have set up my pc and it is ready to use. I have not organised my stationaries and documents yet. A part of me feels excited but another part of me feels scared. Taking over the desk from my predecessor also means that I am holding 3 accounts officially and that scares me. Why does it scare me? She has moved to a new office downstairs and that means she is nowhere near me if I need to ask her questions about the account I took over from her. I hate it.

I hate the arrangements that were made. I hate the on the job training I had. I hate how things are done so quickly without even consulting me if I would be comfortable about it. That is the thing. I wish my manager takes notice that I still need guidance to serve all these 3 accounts. I can always talk to my superior about this but I had done it before and things were better a little but after awhile, things go back to the usual. I cannot be talking to her frequently about my problems as I certainly do not wish to be seen as someone who likes to complain and making excuses.

I want to keep this job but I hate it when I always have mixed feelings about it. Where did the mixed feelings come from? Is it from me? Perhaps I must coach myself that it is all in my imaginations. It is about mind over body. When my mind is clear, then the worries will be gone. But, how can I not worry when I know help is hard to come by on that one particular account. I pray hard to Allah that things are gonna be fine for me at work. Saying “Astaghfirullah” has been my practice. I know I have no one else to talk about this fear and worry I have about work, but I know I have Him to turn to. He never pushes me away. 

The Power of Istighfar – Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness of Allah) 

People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recited this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.

• Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
• Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
• Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
• Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
• Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
• Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
• Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
• Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
• Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
• Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
  

  “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

I Am Confuse

Dear Diary,

I have always have mixed feelings towards my job. Up till today I sometimes feel like quitting and sometimes I feel that I am enjoying my job. I know I am confuse and the reason is because it depends on how it goes in the office. I supposed I only feel good when things go smoothly and I know how to get things done. But I must know that I am new and it will take me sometime to be master of my own trade. 

To go through the learning process is a pain as the environment is fast pace and people want you to get things done as quickly as possible. How the hell can I get things done fast when it is only less than tenth times that I do it? Everything is new to me. The office, environment, systems, colleagues, work scope and most importantly workflow. I need time to learn the ropes. 

Some colleagues are friendly and some are not. Some are understanding while some can be assholes. I know it will be easy for me in the long run but to wait to get there can be miserable. How long do I need to be good at it? I am not sure Diary but I am giving myself 6 months to get there. I am holding 3 accounts and within a month they expect me to learn all the workflows and processes of all the three accounts. 

I have 3 predecessors that I am learning from. Two are on leave for a week now and I am left on my own to do the work. I do not mind the hard work as I know this company pays for all my overtime but I somewhat feel upset that my Manager overlook that I still need guidance about my work. Perhaps she knows but the leaves were probably approved way before I joined so she really has no choice but to let them go. 

I am rather pissed. I have got other offers. A recruitment agent is offering me a position in the similar field but I declined the offer. My old team leader called me back to join her as a part timer but I had to decline too. I know I would be comfortable working there but it is going to be part time salary and I cannot afford it anymore. I have to think of my financial commitments and that is probably what makes me stay in this company. 

I pray and hope that things are going to be fine for me Diary. I really do.

Engkau Nurkasih

Hello Diary,

Diharapkan engkau sihat dan baik baik sahaja di sana. Aku di sini seperti biasa mengharungi liku liku hidup yang penuh dengan onak dan duri tetapi aku masih tetap berdiri teguh di mana sahaja aku berada. Umur aku kini sudah menjaugkau 38 tahun. Ucapan Happy Birthday dikirimkan oleh dia seperti biasa. Tetapi tahun ini agak lewat sedikit, tidak seperti tahun tahun yang lalu di mana dia tidak pernah gagal mengucapkan tepat atau beberapa minit selepas pukul 12 malam. 

Aku kagum dengan kesungguhan dia. Sungguh aku tertanya tanya ada apa dengan aku wahai saudari sehingga engkau tidak pernah gagal membuatku tersenyum di hari lahirku dengan hanya ucapan yang ringkas sahaja. Ya, memang benar aku selalu menunggu dengan hati yang besar segala apa jenis message dari dia. Hati terlonjak lonjak dengan penuh excitement apabila mendapat message darinya. Aku malu pada diriku kerana tidak mengingati hari jadinya tetapi sekarang aku sudah ingat dan aku berjanji bahawa aku akan melakukan yang sama pada dia.

Kadang kala, mahu sahaja aku memberitahunya bahawa aku sudah bertemu NurKasihku. Tetapi aku takut. Aku takut dengan keadaan. Aku takut akan jawapan yang akan diberi kerana hati aku kini sudah pulih dan aku tidak mahu lagi menyakiti hati aku. Kalau sakit lagi, agak susah untuk aku mahu mengubatinya. Cukuplah sudah masa masa yang lalu. Aku seperti orang yang tiada jasad. Hidup hanya kerana aku terpaksa. Aku bernafas tetapi aku bagaikan di dunia fantasi, seperti aku tidak wujud di dunia. Kehilangan dia begitu amat terasa. Setiap hari aku menyalahkan diri sendiri. Cukup benci aku dengan diriku waktu itu. Jikalau engkau tahu apa di dalam hati aku wahai saudari, engkau pasti percaya yang cinta aku memeng tulus untuk engkau. 

Ingin sahaja aku luahkan tetapi mulutku terkunci, jari jemariku terkaku dan otakku terbeku tidak boleh memikirkan apa apa lagi kecuali rasa yang  amat takut bahawa mungkin aku sendiri sahaja yang mempunyai perasaan terhadapnya. Lebih baik aku menyayanginya dari jauh. Wahai saudari, tahukah engkau bahawa perasaan kasih sayang aku terhadap engkau tidak pernah berubah atau berkurangan walaupun sudah tidak ketemu dengan engkau sekian lama. Sayang sekali aku dengan engkau kerana aku masih membawa gambarmu di dalam wallet aku. Tidak pernah aku keluarkan gambarmu kecuali jikalau aku ingin menatapmu. Kalau hati aku boleh berbicara dengan sendirinya, sudah tentu dia mengatakan aku gila. 

Engkaulah Nurkasih. Engkaulah wanita yang aku ingin jadikan sebagai sumber inspirasiku. Engkaulah wanita yang aku mahu menghabiskan masa tuaku bersama sama. Aku mahu mencintaimu dan menyayangimu dan aku juga mahu menjagamu di waktu engkau sakit, aku mahu membuat engkau tersenyum di waktu engkau sedih dan aku juga mahu menjadi wanita yang engkau yakin engkau boleh mengharapkan aku di saat saat engkau memerlukan seorang teman. Aku mahu jadi orang itu untuk engkau. Aku masih sayang dengan engkau tetapi aku takut untuk meluahkan.

Kadang kala kita berfikir yang kita boleh hidup berseorangan tetapi kita perlukan seseorang untuk bercerita. Betul kan? Kita perlukan teman untuk berbicara cerita cerita harian di tempat kerja, di rumah dan di mana mana sahaja. Kadang kala, tidak perlu kata apa apa pun, tetapi kita tahu apa ada dalam hati masing masing. Chemistry. Itu yang membuat two becomes 1, betul tak? Apa apa pun permintaan oleh dia, walau susah macam mana sekalipun, kita akan cuba untuk lakukan. Itu namanya cinta bukan? Kenapa aku masih memikirkan dia walau sudah bertahun kami berpisah? Kerana aku tidak pernah membiarkan cinta aku padanya padam di dalam hatiku. Sampai bila? Biarlah Diary…biarkan saja. 

Diary…aku penat. Aku ngantuk.  

How My Work Is

Dear Diary,

It has been barely a month I am in this new job and I have lost 2kgs. I knew it because only I know how my body works. I gain weight easily and lose them easily too. This new job is a fast pace environment with so many paperwork to do. I felt like I have to chase the time. I am always behind time and the backlog is growing. I swear to God I have never been in a job that requires me to do so much of paperworks. It can be a little too overwhelming for me. I feel like I am in something over my head. 

At times, I just want to get out of it all. You know, like walking away from it. That is what I usually do. I walk away from things that bother me or I feel if they are trouble, I would walk away. But this is a job. This is a job where I get paid to do handsomely, by my standards. And I was thinking, if I carry on with that kind of attitude, I would get nowhere. I have not gotten a career Diary. I have gotten a car, a house, hobbies, savings and all the nitty gritty little details but at my age, believe me or not, I have not gotten a career. I need to have one. I must have one because I would not be having my own business anytime soon. 

I am coaching myself to have faith with this new job. It offers me opportunity that I could not possibly get elsewhere. Perhaps I can but it is not easy. I work 5 days a week, Monday to Friday. I do not work on public holidays. I start work at 830am and I finish work at 6pm. I stay back everyday and it is considered overtime. I think in a month, I can clocked about 40 hours or more of overtime. But there are regulations in singapore where an employee cannot clocked more than 44 hours of overtime in a month. It is a law that the ministry of manpower has to protect employees. 

I do not mind the overtime because ultimately, it is for my own benefits. I gain monetarily and who cares if I have to work late everyday as I have no other commitments except for my family. I do not have a girlfriend, therefore I do not have to set aside my time for love. It all boils down to me. My parents are officially retired and I need cash to support them financially. This job can offer me good money because it gives me opportunity to stay back beyond my official working hours. Annual wage supplement,  variable component scheme and variable performance bonus are something which I can look forward by the end of every year for as long as I stay in this company. 

Oh Diary, please pray for my well-being. I like this job although it can be a little too much for me to handle. I am new and I have so much to learn, I am still not good at everything but I am getting there. There are many challenges I have to face especially remembering all the workflows. Sometimes I am scared and I have no one to talk to and to share. I keep it to myself. I do not want to bottle things up. I know I must tell. I want to share with you but I am always staying back at work and I leave office at 830pm almost everyday, at times I stay beyond 12 midnight just to do the month end billing. I get home at 10 or 1030pm. By the time I take my shower, it will be 11 at night. I wake up at 615am from Monday to Friday. 

I skip lunch because I am slow to get things done. There will always be problems that I face when I process orders and I have to rectify those problems before I am able to upload it into my system. All that takes time and it eats up into my time. I really don’t know how am I going to cope. It will take time, and I hope they will give me time and understand.