How I Spent Friday

Dear Diary,

Did you sleep well last night? I did and I woke up just in time for Fajr. After that, it was a busy morning for me. I cooked for dad and I did some household chores. I have never cooked so early like that before. I had to because I need to go out to get something and I am afraid I might be back late. I do not want to eat dinner outside anymore. I want to eat home cooked dinner and so I cooked early today.

I bought a bag for my backpack. It is a rucksack where I can put my backpack inside it to check in for flight. I bought it for $15. It is used and I bought it from Carousel. I bet it was expensive because it is the same brand as my backpack and for those who know about a backpack, they know my brand is expensive. Oh anyway, I am glad I waited for this because the offer price was $20 and I tried my luck and made a counteroffer at $15 and it was accepted. I got home and I tried it. It is perfect for my bag and I like it very much.

I had a new friend request on Facebook a few days ago. I do not know who she is but I saw that we have a mutual friend so I approved of her. She appears to be a friend of an old friend of mine, Watermelon. This girl seems to share the same hobby as I do. She likes hiking, camping and backpacking. She is 35 and lives in Bangi. She has climbed mountains out of Malaysia mostly but not that many. I think I have climbed much more mountains than she does. She is going to Everest Base Camp (EBC) next year in April, alone. I am impressed but I still think she cannot beat my record. *chuckles*

I spent my time climbing the mountains in Malaysia for the past twenty years. I have completed the G7 series at 40  and now since I do not have a job anymore, I am focusing more on mountains out of Malaysia. Rinjani will be my first Indonesia mountain and then Fuji and Annapurna Base Camp. EBC probably will be my next and Kilimanjaro will be after EBC. I told her to go with me if she wants to go to Kilimanjaro. She said it is on her wish list too. See, birds of a feather flock together.

She gave me her number and we started chatting on whassap. We mostly talked about mountains, hiking and life. I might be hiking with her in December and she told me Watermelon wants to come along. I am fine with that but I know Watermelon is not a hiker, so I need to be patient with her speed. I have not met Watermelon for a long time. In fact, I have not been keeping in touch with many of my friends in Malaysia. There are only a few of them I keep in touch while the rest remain friends on Facebook. We have all aged, Diary. We appreciate more ‘me’ time than socialising.  If you ask me now, I’d rather be laying on my couch at home and watch ‘The Walking Dead’.

I cannot deny that is not always the time but this is a fact about people when they grow older, they grow to become self-sufficient and they somehow do not chase love anymore. They have learnt to love themselves and not having someone to love is not a problem anymore. If by any means, they have found love, they would consider that as a bonus. I think I would like to call my new found friend Alpine. The name suits her since she likes to hike alpine mountains.

I got to go Diary. I just found out that I have to go to the airport on my own tomorrow. My brother has class so he can’t send me. Damn! 

PS: You are still the one. Love, Me.   

Spending for My Parents

Dear Diary,

How has it been? I am doing ok. I am just busy with stuff. Mother is not around, so I am in charge of the household chores. Sometimes I cook dinner, sometimes I don’t and we will eat out. Eating out is very costly. I have spent $65 already just on three dinners outside. While I am trying hard to save, I know I still have to spend. Dad feels guilty and offered to pay for his meals. I declined his offer and paid. How can I take his money? How can I even expect him to pay? It does not make sense. I have promised myself to support my parents financially come what may.

I am going to Sabah this January with my parents. All expenses paid by me. I have set $2000 for this trip and it looks like it will be enough for the three of us, Insha Allah. I have bought tickets and we are flying with Air Asia. I asked Flying Babe if she could be on the flight but she could not as the flight I am taking departs from Singapore. She is based in Kuala Lumpur. There are a lot of Air Asia flights that I will be taking but I am somewhat disappointed since she cannot be working on those flights. But then again, I do not know how it is going to be like if she is working on those flights. It would definitely be awkward for me. We have not met for 8 years, I think. How time flies. Eight years is long time Diary, it is enough to make someone erase her feelings towards someone but I suppose not everybody can do that. I cannot do it, not with her.

PS: Take care Diary. 

What I want As A Lesbian

Dear Diary,

I did not go to JB today. Miss Legal sent me a text to say she had to go stay in KL to meet another client of hers. She apologized but what can I say. She did tell me she has to text me again to confirm. Well, I was not disappointed because I was already prepared it would be canceled. We ended up chatting with each other. I felt like it was a session of open up about being who we are, lesbians.

I have not talked about this for a long time but I feel that it is time to talk about it again. It all started when I told her about my trip to Gunung Rinjani in April 2018. I will be climbing the mountain for 4 days and I am planning to spend about 4 days in Gili Trawangan and I am thinking of going to Bali for another 4 days. I might be bringing my parents to Bali. So I told her about my plans and she gave me tips as she has been to both places. Now I am not sure about bringing my parents as I know Bali is no place for the old. Miss Legal said so too. So I could ask my parents to come to Lombok Gili Trawangan but I am hesitant. I will be with my friends in Gili Trawangan and I am not comfortable with introducing them to my parents.

Please Diary, do not get me wrong. I am always very careful of friends I bring home to meet my parents. These friends of mine, they are a couple. A butch and a femme.  I worry if introducing them to my parents would create some kind of impressions about me.  I do not want my parents to have an inkling of an idea that I am gay. I do not want them to worry and to feel all stressed up about me. I told Miss Legal about this and she shared the same opinions too. We began talking about it in depth and she shared exactly what I feel about it all.

We both believe that this feeling of liking women is inborn and we really did not choose to live life like this. Simply said, we are born with it and we did not have any other choice except to be born with sexual preference already pre-chosen for us. I realized that I am gay when I was five. Of course, I did not know that it was called lesbian at that such a young age. All I knew I like older girls and I like being surrounded and pampered by them. When girls my age were busy accessorizing their dolls, I was busy figuring out if what I felt was normal. It was not easy living life like this. I do not regret being like this. I know it is wrong but I also know if I am not what I am, then I wouldn’t be able to meet Flying Babe and all the other good friends I have. I wonder about her most of my times you know.

I told Miss LegaI that I am not going to question God about why I am what I am. There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. I sense that I have become religiously incline but still I do not want to change from what I am. I did not have a choice being born like this but I do have a choice to be the un-practicing lesbian. I believe it is not wrong to be in love with a woman (not resorting to sexual imaginations, intimate moments and such).  As long as I do not create sins out of being a lesbian I figured I will be fine...I am too old to switch. I do not want to be tired of wondering or regretting what I am. If God is perfect then I shall not question why I was born like this. We all know this is inborn. This feeling is not created by us.

I am not going to fake about liking a man to get married and settle down just so I could be in the mainstream ideologies, have babies, build a family, watch them grow up while I grow old. If I want babies, I will adopt. I do not need a family as I already have. But I do need someone to grow old with me. Someone I can look forward to be with coming home. She and I will spend the rest of our time together. She will be the one who knows what to order for me in the restaurant. She will know how I like my coffee or tea. Ultimately, she will be the one who holds the key to my heart. It does not matter if we have sex or not, what matters is we both have each other as companions. Someone to complain to about things we feel unhappy about. We will treasure the presence of each other. How we fight and argue, we know that at the end of the day, it is she who we come back to. Love, with all our heart and might because love is the indigenous nature of the soul. 

PS: One day, two will become one. Will you love me back?

Love, 

Me

Excited To Meeting An Old Friend

Dear Diary,

I did not go for my course today and tomorrow. I think I will not be going to any this week. It is okay as I can always reschedule. It is a 15-day course and I can attend whenever the slots suit me. I simply have to make sure that I complete the course by end of December.

How are you Diary? I have been thinking about you and what I shall write to you. There are many stories to tell especially after not writing to you for exactly a year. Flying Babe told me that. I could not believe she checked on that. I would consider it as the nitty-gritty detail. Only someone who takes that subject seriously would do that. That is why I write. I have promised myself to write, how tired I am, at least a short one paragraph. That will do. At least she knows about me unless I really can’t.  

Oh, as I was typing this, Miss Legal text me and told me she will be in Johor Bahru tomorrow and the day after. She has a court hearing on Wednesday. It is not confirmed yet but I sense that she wants me to hang out with her. I have known her since she was a student until today she has become a lawyer. I have watched her life progress from losing a father to having a new family member when her little brother got married. I have known her for more than 15 years Diary. I cannot believe the amount of time since it all started from IRC. I have to admit that I made many friends from IRC and most of them have turned into good friends. Gosh, the friendships and relationships I have built during those years chatting in IRC have turned fruitful. I am not surprised at all I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

The friends I made from IRC are closer to me since we are all people who share the same sex preference. We are indifferent and that is what makes me feel comfortable with them. So I make a date with Miss Legal on Wednesday for lunch and she said she was hoping to meet me for dinner tomorrow. I told her I cannot do dinner as it will be troublesome for me to go back to Singapore on the same night. She immediately offered me to spend the night with her in her hotel room. I do not mind actually as I have nothing to do at home. I am done packing for Kinabalu and now I am just hanging around at home reading and doing my stuff. I accepted her offer and will wait for her confirmation. Her court hearing is not confirmed yet she said. She is going to text me tomorrow at 2pm to confirm.

I am excited. I feel like I am a girl who is about to get candies. It has been a long time since I met her. The last time I met her was 5 years ago. We still keep in touch. We exchange texts almost weekly. She is one of those friends I treasure because she understands me and she lets me win most of the times. The friend is the woman who knows all about you and still likes you. Well, I hate losing and she knows that so she always gives in to me. I supposed she is one of the smarter ones among my friends. I am a stubborn idiot, and there is no point arguing with a stubborn idiot. I supposed that’s what old friends do. We know each other too well that arguing with each other is the last thing we want to do and giving in is the best option, simply to save the friendship. Friendship isn’t a big thing — it is a million little things, like a rainbow between two things.

Miss Legal told me she has put on lots of weight. She is 70kg now and she told me not to be surprised when I see her. She told me that she still drives her old car and it is ugly. I told her to shut the fuck up and just meet me tomorrow. I miss her and it has been a long time since I am going out for fun like this. You know Diary, going out just to chill and unwind. I honestly need this and Miss Legal has just answered my prayers.   

PS: Can you imagine how would I feel meeting you. Love, me. 

Missing

Dear Diary,

I have not been getting enough sleep lately. I want to write to you and tell you stories of my day but I am too tired. I miss you Diary, All I could think of while I was there is you because I know I am closer to you when I was there. While I had my dinner at Al Rawsha Restaurant, I thought of you and I was thinking, wouldn’t it be nice if I could bring you dinner there. I have so much to say but I don’t know how.

I am missing mother. I miss you. I miss Hang Jebat.

 PS: Take care Diary. Missing you, Me. 

A Day in Kelana Jaya

Dear Diary,

I am in Kelana Jaya today and I will be spending the night at my aunt's house. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow to send mother and the rest of the entourage to KLIA. They are all going to Mecca. Mother will be there for 14 days. I was supposed to go but I could not as Saudi has tightened the laws where every single woman below the age of 45 has to be accompanied by a Mahram. I think Allah has better plans for me. Perhaps he knows that I am not ready for it. Honestly, I am under stress if I were to go. Well, I will talk about it some other time Diary. I am tired and sleepy. We just had dinner at Al Rawsha Restaurant. It serves authentic Arabian cuisine. Nice food and good ambiance. The restaurant is in Shah Alam.

I chatted quite a bit with Flying Babe. I miss this very much and I am somewhat happy that I could have it again. I wish for my sensitive heart to be strong for whatever come what may. I wish I would have the courage to say what I wanna say. I hope my heart will understand that things will not always go the way I want them to be. I am training my heart to be less sensitive.

I got to go Diary. I need to sleep.

PS: Braveheart is coming. Love, me.

Learning To Apologize and Living

Dear Diary,

I woke up at half past eight today and I rushed to the bathroom to take my shower. I almost forgot I have a medical appointment at ten at Raffles Medical. The personal medical check-up is for a project that I want to do in the future. I had to take an eye test and also an x-ray. I told the doctor that I have had Tuberculosis so that he will expect my result of the x-ray is unusual than other people.

When I was discharged from Tuberculosis, the hospital gave me a letter to confirm that I have been discharged and free from the disease. The doctors told me to keep the letter safely and treasure it like how I treasure my life as any future chest x-ray I do will show white spots on my chest. That piece of the letter will help to prove that I am cured of the disease. If I lose that letter, I might have to undergo the medication process of Tuberculosis all over again. Mind you Diary, that medication process is something one must not take lightly. The shortest is six months and the longest is up to nine months. One has to go to the nearest polyclinic to take up to 12 pills and an injection daily Monday to Saturday except for Public Holiday. My process took six months and during those six months, I could not go overseas. I was on three weeks medical leave but all I could do was to stay at home and be a couch potato. This was when I got myself hooked on ‘The Walking Dead’.

I thank God I am cured and I keep the letter safely in my personal file. I did not bring it to the medical check-up and so the doctor asked me to scan and email him the letter. I will have to do it by today. You know I have to leave Singapore tonight for Tangkak. I will be spending the night in Tangkak and I will be driving to Kelana Jaya tomorrow to spend the night at my aunt’s house. On Sunday, we will be sending my mother to the KLIA. Mother is in Kelana Jaya since Monday. I have not seen her since I came back from hiking. I kind of miss her actually.

The house feels so different without her. I guess in every household, mothers always keep the family alive and they are the heart of the families. I cannot imagine how my life would be like without my mother. Sometimes, I feel so sad out of a sudden thinking that I might have to bear the loss of my mother eventually. People die don’t they Diary? I simply have to prepare myself losing my mother and father. I have lost a brother before, and I know it is only a matter of time that I will be losing another family member. I might be the one next, who knows. Right? All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. The memories, laughter, and hatreds we shared. Thinking about this makes me realize how important it is to let the people I love know how much I love them and not to be afraid to take ownership of the mistakes even if it is not ours. People say, let love's apologies wait not until death's doorway.

Remember Flying Babe? I have made amends with her. I know what happens and it does not matter who started it and how it got started. I am responsible for it. I text her just before I started my hike. I was prepared for her not to reply. I was ready for anything. She replied and I was on cloud nine. I said my piece and so did she. I apologized for my mistakes because I know an apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. I just realized how my blog means so much to her. I feel so guilty for not writing to you. I feel bad for ignoring you for the past 1 year. I did not even realize that I have not been writing to you for exactly a year until she said so. The postings I wrote from my blog have become her bedtime stories. When I stopped writing, she became lost. Trust me Diary, if only I could be there right there and then to give her a tight hug the moment she said that.  I stopped writing for reasons I believe were right, while I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. I have come to terms that life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

I love them all, people who have walked into my life. And if I were to lose any of them, I will embrace those memories I have had with them, plant those memoirs deep in my mind and throw away the keys far and away. 

PS: Take care Diary. Love, Me. 

How Sleepy I can Get

Dear Diary,

I feel sleepy a lot nowadays. I think I know why but I cannot help it because I am hooked on it. You see, I have a TV in my room but I hardly use it as it has no cable. The reception is bad and I always have to adjust the antenna to get a clearer picture. I watch TV in the living room with mother and I have no control of the remote. Mother conquers it. So like it or not, I have to watch the channels she watches and that include Koreans.

Every night without fail from Monday to Friday, she watches this Korean drama. I watch along and that leads me to get hook on it too. How ironic is it? I never thought I would get hooked on it but really, I have no choice. I still think it is all about the storyline of the drama too. This drama titled “The Love Is Coming” has good plots and they make sense to me. It is a family drama which does not compromise logic. I guess that is what keeps me hooked. The drama starts at 9.15 in the evening and ends at 11.15 close to midnight. So that explains why I get sleepy easily. I wake up at half past 6 in the morning every day. I pray and I begin my day from the moment I wake up. I do not go back to sleep after Fajr prayer because I read somewhere, in order to have abundant wealth, Islam encourages Muslims to stay awake after Fajr prayers. I am practising it to turn it into a habit.

I also have this bad habit to surf the internet on my phone before I go to sleep. I do not like this habit Diary. I know if I keep doing it, I am risking my eyes to possible temporary blindness. It is bad to look at your phone in the dark. The effects will be on your eyes. I did some reading on it. It is not really that serious but people should stop doing it.

After surfing on my phone, I will usually go to sleep around midnight or half past midnight. I did not have to try hard to sleep. Most of the times, the phone would simply slip off my hand while I am holding the phone. That shows how sleepy I would be. It is alright if you are in the bed but when you are driving, it can be hazardous.

 Do you know that I almost met with an accident last Sunday? I opened my eyes in the nick of time. There were five of us in the car. It was my car as I was from Tangkak and so I picked up the rest of the hikers along the way. From Tangkak I drove to Ayer Keroh Melaka to Putra Mahkota in Bangi and then to Serdang KTM and lastly to Sungai Buloh Rest and Relax to the meeting point of the hike in Cameron Highlands.

I drove alone to and fro. Driving to the starting point of the hike was not bad as I had enough rest and sleep. But it was such an ordeal driving back home after the hike. I was tired and sleepy. None of us had enough rest and sleep. I was in the first group. I reached our car at 7pm. I had to wait for the rest of the hikers who carpooled with me. They reached my car at 9pm. I had to wait for them to change to dry clothes, got organised and ready to leave.

My car was the last car to leave the car park. Driving down from Cameron was scary as it was drizzling and cold, the fog was so thick that I could not see what was in front of me. I got pissed somehow with the rest of the people who carpooled with me. None of them seemed to be able to help. I stopped my car in the middle of the road and told them I will have to stop because I dare not drive in such situations. I couldn’t care less about what they would think because they were a bunch of hopeless people. I did not give a damn if they need to get home early unless one of them volunteer to drive. One person did and he drove down to a restaurant nearby where we had our supper. Well, at least one person knows I meant business. After supper, we headed back home. I volunteered to drive as I thought the rest needed to sleep and I did not have to work anymore so I really thought they needed the sleep more than I did.

This is the thing about me. I care too much about the well being of people that sometimes I neglected my own comfort. So I drove from the restaurant to Sungai Buloh to Serdang to Putra Mahkota and then to Ayer Keroh. I had not slept for more than 20 hours, I had used up almost all of my energy hiking and now I had to keep my eyes awake for another 7 hours at least. I got to Tangkak at 5 in the morning.  

I felt sleepy, like really sleepy while I was driving to Ayer Keroh. You know a sleepy woman's eyes generally go to bed sometime before she does. My eyes literally closed on me and when I opened my eyes, my car was going into the other lane and was about to hit a car from behind until I swerved it back to my lane. That simply proves that without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. I was not alone in the car, I had another friend with me but he was too busy to notice my car was swaying as he was looking at his phone. That pissed me off. I somewhat dislike this group of people who carpooled with me this time because they are all uncooperative and selfish. I simply got bored with them but well, this is a fact I have to face about carpooling to go hiking.

It will always be my car as I am from Tangkak. I drive up towards KL and that’s where most hikers are. If I do not offer my car, I do not know where to park my car overnight. I do not feel safe leaving my car overnight at a place I do not know quite well. I can always park my car at my friend’s house or my aunt’s house but that would be troublesome. I just do not want to trouble people. I figured I have to deal with it anyhow as using my car for the carpool seems the most logical thing to do.   

My 300 Lumens Headlight and The Last G7

Dear Diary,

I have been climbing mountains every month since June till my father suggested to me to live in the jungle. I laughed at his remark unsure if he was serious about it or he was simply teasing me. You know I started hiking since I was 19 and I never stopped ever since then. I have always liked the outdoors. I am a gear freak and every time I have a new gear, I would be excited to try and test it out in the outdoors.

My latest gear is the Black Diamond headlights. It is 300 Lumens headlights that come with rechargeable batteries. My current headlight is Petzl but I do not find it bright enough because it is only 100 Lumens. I like brightness. I never like dimly lit lights or lamp. It annoys me. So I went hunting for a brightest headlight within my budget. I knew I had to buy something above 200 Lumens and I finally settled for Black Diamond 300 Lumens. It is bright, brighter than my Petzl.

So the recent hiking trip was to Gunung Yong Yap. This would be my last mountain to conquer under the G7 category. You know my mission is to complete all the 7 mountains by 2017. So I overlooked this headlight and only bought 1 set of batteries. Little did I realise, the higher the lumens are, the more electricity it uses. To be able to shine brightly, of course, it needs bigger electricity. That means batteries will wear out faster. It was my mistake for not thinking about it and my batteries died on me while I was hiking to reach the summit at six in the morning. I was worried. You know how dark it is in the jungle at 6 in the morning? You cannot even see your hand in front of you. Yes, that is how dark it is.

I was always in the first group, second to be exact. The first in the line up was a 22-year-old student from UPM. She carpooled with me and so, we kind of got along well. Coincidentally, both of us are fast, well she was faster than I am but we were always not far from each other. But I still consider myself fast because I am 40 and she is 22! Look at our age gap but I am still able to be 15 minutes behind her. Not bad for a 40-year old eh? So I was lucky I had her and two other hikers behind me. From their torch, I managed to hike safely and finally, the student lent me her spare batteries. I really needed those batteries. My hike became easier after that and my confidence grew. Let this be a lesson for me to bring extra batteries for my headlights for any future hikes.

The hike to the summit was tough. I literally had to use my two hands and two legs to climb as the inclination is almost 90 degrees. Imagine that Diary. It was like climbing a wall and I had to be a lizard. I controlled my breathing and I also controlled my steps. You know I did not train hard for this hike as the hike before this caused my knees so much pain that I had to give them a very good rest. I did not train at all for Gunung Yong Yap. Yes, I was worried how would I do but I have faith in Allah. All along, I said my prayers to Him quietly wishing that he would lighten my burden and ease my climb. He did and I still manage to be in the first group. Somehow, I am proud of myself. I do not look forward to being the first to reach the summit but I always try to be in the first group. I am competitive but I do know where I stand. I set realistic goals for myself to achieve. There were 32 rivers to cross and out of those, there were 4 rivers which were quite dangerous to cross.

It was raining when we started descending. It never stopped until we reached the starting point. During one of the four most dangerous river crossings, I almost slipped but I managed to stay calm and got a good grip of my footing in the water. If I had not gotten a good grip, I am sure I was going to be swept away by the current. The current was strong Diary and believe me people can get swept away easily if they slip. The water level of the four rivers reached my waist until it touched my backpack, can you imagine that? Because it rained, so the water level rises and that made it even more dangerous. Alhamdulillah, all of us were safe and there was no injury. It was not easy crossing rivers when it rain and water level is high. There are many cases where hikers got swept away and died of drowning. I have read cases like that in Gunung Tahan. Well, whatever we do, there will always be risks involved. Right?

Diary, I got to go. I am sleepy. I will write again tomorrow.