Learning To Apologize and Living

Dear Diary,

I woke up at half past eight today and I rushed to the bathroom to take my shower. I almost forgot I have a medical appointment at ten at Raffles Medical. The personal medical check-up is for a project that I want to do in the future. I had to take an eye test and also an x-ray. I told the doctor that I have had Tuberculosis so that he will expect my result of the x-ray is unusual than other people.

When I was discharged from Tuberculosis, the hospital gave me a letter to confirm that I have been discharged and free from the disease. The doctors told me to keep the letter safely and treasure it like how I treasure my life as any future chest x-ray I do will show white spots on my chest. That piece of the letter will help to prove that I am cured of the disease. If I lose that letter, I might have to undergo the medication process of Tuberculosis all over again. Mind you Diary, that medication process is something one must not take lightly. The shortest is six months and the longest is up to nine months. One has to go to the nearest polyclinic to take up to 12 pills and an injection daily Monday to Saturday except for Public Holiday. My process took six months and during those six months, I could not go overseas. I was on three weeks medical leave but all I could do was to stay at home and be a couch potato. This was when I got myself hooked on ‘The Walking Dead’.

I thank God I am cured and I keep the letter safely in my personal file. I did not bring it to the medical check-up and so the doctor asked me to scan and email him the letter. I will have to do it by today. You know I have to leave Singapore tonight for Tangkak. I will be spending the night in Tangkak and I will be driving to Kelana Jaya tomorrow to spend the night at my aunt’s house. On Sunday, we will be sending my mother to the KLIA. Mother is in Kelana Jaya since Monday. I have not seen her since I came back from hiking. I kind of miss her actually.

The house feels so different without her. I guess in every household, mothers always keep the family alive and they are the heart of the families. I cannot imagine how my life would be like without my mother. Sometimes, I feel so sad out of a sudden thinking that I might have to bear the loss of my mother eventually. People die don’t they Diary? I simply have to prepare myself losing my mother and father. I have lost a brother before, and I know it is only a matter of time that I will be losing another family member. I might be the one next, who knows. Right? All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. The memories, laughter, and hatreds we shared. Thinking about this makes me realize how important it is to let the people I love know how much I love them and not to be afraid to take ownership of the mistakes even if it is not ours. People say, let love's apologies wait not until death's doorway.

Remember Flying Babe? I have made amends with her. I know what happens and it does not matter who started it and how it got started. I am responsible for it. I text her just before I started my hike. I was prepared for her not to reply. I was ready for anything. She replied and I was on cloud nine. I said my piece and so did she. I apologized for my mistakes because I know an apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. I just realized how my blog means so much to her. I feel so guilty for not writing to you. I feel bad for ignoring you for the past 1 year. I did not even realize that I have not been writing to you for exactly a year until she said so. The postings I wrote from my blog have become her bedtime stories. When I stopped writing, she became lost. Trust me Diary, if only I could be there right there and then to give her a tight hug the moment she said that.  I stopped writing for reasons I believe were right, while I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. I have come to terms that life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

I love them all, people who have walked into my life. And if I were to lose any of them, I will embrace those memories I have had with them, plant those memoirs deep in my mind and throw away the keys far and away. 

PS: Take care Diary. Love, Me.