Dear Diary,
I did not go to JB today. Miss Legal sent me a text to say she had to go stay in KL to meet another client of hers. She apologized but what can I say. She did tell me she has to text me again to confirm. Well, I was not disappointed because I was already prepared it would be canceled. We ended up chatting with each other. I felt like it was a session of open up about being who we are, lesbians.
I have not talked about this for a long time but I feel that it is time to talk about it again. It all started when I told her about my trip to Gunung Rinjani in April 2018. I will be climbing the mountain for 4 days and I am planning to spend about 4 days in Gili Trawangan and I am thinking of going to Bali for another 4 days. I might be bringing my parents to Bali. So I told her about my plans and she gave me tips as she has been to both places. Now I am not sure about bringing my parents as I know Bali is no place for the old. Miss Legal said so too. So I could ask my parents to come to Lombok Gili Trawangan but I am hesitant. I will be with my friends in Gili Trawangan and I am not comfortable with introducing them to my parents.
Please Diary, do not get me wrong. I am always very careful of friends I bring home to meet my parents. These friends of mine, they are a couple. A butch and a femme. I worry if introducing them to my parents would create some kind of impressions about me. I do not want my parents to have an inkling of an idea that I am gay. I do not want them to worry and to feel all stressed up about me. I told Miss Legal about this and she shared the same opinions too. We began talking about it in depth and she shared exactly what I feel about it all.
We both believe that this feeling of liking women is inborn and we really did not choose to live life like this. Simply said, we are born with it and we did not have any other choice except to be born with sexual preference already pre-chosen for us. I realized that I am gay when I was five. Of course, I did not know that it was called lesbian at that such a young age. All I knew I like older girls and I like being surrounded and pampered by them. When girls my age were busy accessorizing their dolls, I was busy figuring out if what I felt was normal. It was not easy living life like this. I do not regret being like this. I know it is wrong but I also know if I am not what I am, then I wouldn’t be able to meet Flying Babe and all the other good friends I have. I wonder about her most of my times you know.
I told Miss LegaI that I am not going to question God about why I am what I am. There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. I sense that I have become religiously incline but still I do not want to change from what I am. I did not have a choice being born like this but I do have a choice to be the un-practicing lesbian. I believe it is not wrong to be in love with a woman (not resorting to sexual imaginations, intimate moments and such). As long as I do not create sins out of being a lesbian I figured I will be fine...I am too old to switch. I do not want to be tired of wondering or regretting what I am. If God is perfect then I shall not question why I was born like this. We all know this is inborn. This feeling is not created by us.
I am not going to fake about liking a man to get married and settle down just so I could be in the mainstream ideologies, have babies, build a family, watch them grow up while I grow old. If I want babies, I will adopt. I do not need a family as I already have. But I do need someone to grow old with me. Someone I can look forward to be with coming home. She and I will spend the rest of our time together. She will be the one who knows what to order for me in the restaurant. She will know how I like my coffee or tea. Ultimately, she will be the one who holds the key to my heart. It does not matter if we have sex or not, what matters is we both have each other as companions. Someone to complain to about things we feel unhappy about. We will treasure the presence of each other. How we fight and argue, we know that at the end of the day, it is she who we come back to. Love, with all our heart and might because love is the indigenous nature of the soul.
PS: One day, two will become one. Will you love me back?
Love,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment