all blended into one

dear diary,

i was so happy last friday because everything as i planned for my trip to KL goes smoothly until saturday when i could not get a ticket. i then realised that it would be impossible for me to get to KL on time unless i travel with hippo. but travelling with hippo and her colleagues would mean i have to leave on monday noon which is a tall order for me. it is the peak period and everybody is heading to Malaysia for the very long holiday for a short getaway. Chinese New Year falls on wednesday and thursday.

as usual, every school and businesses runs on half day on the eve which is on tuesday. people usually will be away from the office from saturday onwards until the following monday one week after CNY. this explains why i couldn't get a ticket. it looks like i have to leave home at noon on monday and miss my commitment. i have not got any choice because the only option i have to get to KL is to travel with hippo. this is the reason why i hate so much for being the minority. of course they will plan according to their convenience instead of mine since i only make up about 1 percent of her travelling companions for that trip.

i never mind about simple things which is solvable to me but i am a bit dissapointed with how hippo has agreed to all her colleagues even without consulting me first. the original plan was only the two of us and we will spend all the nights in KL and we will leave by coach on monday evening. everything was according to plan until she text me 2 days later saying we will be leaving by van with 6 others of her colleagues on monday evening. i don't mind because i didn't have to do much adjustment on my side, the only thing i have to get used is to travel with her colleagues whom are all strangers to me.

when everything was A O K, i received another text from her that said, we will leave to kl on monday noon since her office closes down for the whole week. i was pissed but i knew it's pointless for me to voice out my frustrations because hippo and her colleagues have the upper hand. i knew i am the minority in this group and i cannot expect them to delay the departure time for me. therefore, i volunteered to leave for KL alone by coach and meet up with them at the hotel once i am there. then i tried to look for ticket to KL with every means i have but it was impossible. i knew it was late so i stopped trying.

travelling with hippo and her colleagues is the only possible option i have. hippo should have checked with me first, even though i am the minority i am still in the group and she should not have left me out. when i am being left out, there is no questions ask why the decision was a one sided one which means the decisions were all based on their convenience alone rather than the whole group. my plight was not taken into considerations at all and this dissapoint me a lot. i have known hippo for so long already to even be surprised with her attitude. i did not take this matter too hard because i knew we cannot have our cake and eat it. i just hope hippo will at least have a little empathy next time and not make decisions at the expense of people.

the quran class last saturday was great. i am confident that i have learnt how to recognise and differentiate the characters. it was such a good feeling when you have achieved something which you can be proud of. even though the achievement may be small to some but it is a big deal to me. i have recognised the letters 'Alif' to 'Ya' and i am able to distinguished the characters even after they are joined together. the ustaz told us that the easiest way to differentiate is by recognising the dots first and then the body of the characters. it was fun and very fulfilling. i am able to spell out simple things from using the 'Talqin' such as, 'Fatt'ah', 'Kasrah' and 'Dammah'. i am so eager to attend the class every saturday and i feel that it's such a great loss if i were to absent myself from the class even for a day. the excitement of being able to read the quran is about to kick in i guess.

for all my life, i have been ashamed for being quran illiterate, i have been avoiding from being asked to recite or read the quran for fear of embarassements, i have been uncomfortable being surrounded with 'tudung' wearing people because i feel so small and inferior next to them, but now i don't feel that anymore. i am full of spirits and my confidence is building up. i feel like a totally new person and my heart vibrate with excitement everytime i learn new things in the quran class. i knew it is a lifetime investments and this education that i have invested is my passport to paradise if i put my knowledge into practice diligently. i shall not waste it neither shall i put it to sleep, i am going to make full use of it as an investment and preparations for the other world.

to read it for my late brother is my first priority and i hope it will benefit him in some way or another. i miss him so much diary, i really do, he has always been on top in my list of people i have been missing. aramis, little sister and flying waitress have always been in it. i miss all of them so much. i knew i cannot do much about flying waitress but i guess i deserve the cold treatment from her. i was egotistical and i went out of line with her. she was hurt probably and thus have been minding her own business. i am still fond of her but only from a distance. i enjoyed every second i spent with her and i hope she will be safe and sound wherever she is with whatever she is doing.

i have not heard from little sister for about a month since the last time she called. she told me she will call me from australia but it's been a month and i am still waiting for her call. i miss her so much and i have so many things to share with her. she is such an angel, always trying her best to make me laugh again when i am down. sometimes, i feel that i might be developing feelings for her but it is impossible since we have not met and i am not sure if we are ever going to meet by looking at the circumstances.

little sister is the person whom have always stood by my side regardless what i did. she can be the sort of person you talk to if you want to listen to advice that will make you feel good regardless if you are in the wrong. somehow, i feel that she is being one sided in giving advice but then again, i knew she did not want to hurt my already bleeding heart. she is nice, adorable, sweet, thoughtful and a lovely sister that everybody wish could have. just by listening to her sweet tender voice, you will be fond of her. she's never hurt me or has been rude to me, she always tries her best to please me and that's what i like about her.

aramis and i have been fine. we exchanged news as often as we could even though the frequency was not like before. i told her i had a basic theory driving test on last saturday morning, she wished me good luck and said she will pray for me to pass. she seems nice nowadays and always managed to reply my messages. it's not like before anymore where she always took me for granted, never replied my messages at all even if she knew how worried i was about her. perhaps she is how she is to me now after how cold i was towards her recently. i think she did not expect that i can afford to treat her that way. i probably caught her with surprise. now i know why they said, never underestimate the power of a bull. *winks* it takes certain people to tame a bull and it only happens once in a blue moon. i am still taking precautions, always being extra careful with the steps i take. nevertheless, with every step i take, i believe it will make me into a wise woman.

i think corn pie is annoyed with what had happened to my original KL plan. i can understand her frustrations when she has to forget about spending the nights with me in the hotel while i am in kl. i am as pissed and she is with hippo but what can i do what can i say? the hotels belong to her company and i cannot complaint much about it. i do not have much choice and i definitely do not want to be left stranded in the middle of nowhere. my other good friends have offered me to put up at their place but i can't cos i might be troubling them. i have many people to meet and so many appointments with so little time. transport is also another factor to consider. that is why i prefer to put up in hotels unless i don't have many appointments and people to meet, then i will not mind putting up at my friend's place. i have had one bad experience from putting up at my friend's place and i never took her offer again. i knew she meant well but it just didn't work out probably because of the lack of coordination and understanding on her part to acknowledge that i was her guest.

i haven't called corn pie and i don't wish to. i have made an appointment with her and i guess i will just see her then. i don't want to be talking about the same old thing with her about the trip, it will only piss both of us. i am fine with it because i was not hoping for corn pie to put up with me since i knew she will not be comfortable with other people around. as long as i will be in KL and get to meet my friends, i am good.

many ingredients, one dish

dear diary,

i am not sure if i had done the right thing. i am not sure if i had done it out of impulse. i knew i had to do something, somehow i need to explain. whether or not the message has been conveyed is secondary but the most important thing is i have to voice out my thoughts on that issue. it's crazy and it seems endless. i don't know when will they ever get tired of it? i am already worn out by everything. i thought everything is over now but still it keeps on coming. i guess that is life and we just have to deal with it. let's not talk about it anymore, it's not worthy of our attentions.

the sacrificial ceremony is conducted yesterday at the mosque where i registered. my parents attended the ceremony but i did not. i am a little upset but i knew i was not meant to be there when they slaughtered my sheep. as everybody is aware, the sacrificial ceremony was to be held on Friday, the day where we celebrated Aidiladha. however, the delivery of sheeps has been postponed to saturday, thus the sacrificial ceremony was brought forward to sunday morning. the sheeps did not arrive on saturday and were expected to arrive on sunday and so the ceremony was said to be likely on sunday itself or monday.

the sheeps only arrived on monday morning at 2 am and the ceremony was conducted on monday from 8 am. it's a bit anti climax because i only found out later in the news that 3 mosques had to cancell their sacrificial ceremony when the sheeps still did not arrive as expected at the time given. the money will be reimburse to the respective people. all the mosques and the public expect the Islamic council of singapore to do a post mortem and give explanations to the cause of the delay. i am sure many other factors were involved. according to the news, the delay was caused by rough whether conditions at sea and fuelling problems. some of the committee members of the mosques affected by the delay seemed unhappy and dissatisfied over the matter because it is not to be expected. i guarantee that the Islamic council of singapore has got lots of explanations to do.

i sent aramis a text message and she replied me back 8 hours later. i had been waiting for her sms the whole day when i finally received it, i was so happy that i was smiling away while praying. this is the thing about aramis, she never fails to make my heart jumps in agony and pain or laughter and excitement. no matter what she does, i know she will be the only one in my heart. it is like my heart and soul belong to her and there's no door for any other girls. it's scary when i think about it. i am not saying this just because i am in love with her, even during the time she was gone, i was still thinking about her even when i was with other girls.

she had been gone for 3 years and when she came back, i was in a state of disbelieve. never did i expect her to get in touch with me. she left without a word and i kept on wondering where she had gone to. i knew i love her before i met her. i am not quite sure what is in store for us but i am going to keep whatever i have with her safely in the corner of my heart. it doesn't matter whether it is just a friendship, i love her unconditionally and i want to make her happy. she is indeed one in a million. it is good that we have been keeping in touch back. we are not exchanging news as often as before but when we do text each other, it will always bring smiles and excitement to ourselves.

i like this feeling i am having with her. no strings attached, no commitments, no ties but we do share a common bond that is stronger than any steel on earth, deeper than the deepest ocean in the universe, bigger than life itself which is unbreakable and irreplaceable. i swear that i have never feel the way she makes me feel, perhaps i have not found someone else equivalent to her. Although i have found many pretty girls, they are just girls with a pretty face. they are no match for her, probably i need to meet more people and get involve with many activities.

russia was in JB last weekend, she sent me a text message asking how to go about if she happens to come here. i gave her detailed instructions but i didn't think she came here. i was held up at home last weekend to wait for any news of the arrival of the sheeps. i went for my quran class on saturday and it was great fun! we have started to learn using the Iqra technique and it is an effective and fast way of learning the quran. we bought a book and i will practice reading it before the next lesson begins. i do think of russia sometimes but everytime i think of her, i do not have the passion and excitement. probably because i have started to notice her flaws which do not impress me. it has been said that when you fall in love with someone, it is crucial for you to know her strengths as well as her weaknesses, and it is of utmost importance that you accept both her strengths and weaknesses. well, i am doing that but i guess my love for russia is minimal although i have to admit that i feel safe and secure whenever i am with her. anyhow, i will always love her for what she has done for me.

i have yet to prepare my schedule when i get to KL soon. i have so many people to meet with so little time. so many places to go with so little time. but i have to meet my best friend there. i have to make sure that i set aside time for her. i need to buy her something. i have no idea what to buy but i will go window shopping soon and see if anything catches my eye. i miss her very much. she is probably the friend i feel most comfortable to be with. i can practically do anything with her. i am just so lucky to have found a friend like her. it's amazing actually because i never liked her when i saw her nickname.

the way she chatted and how she carried herself in the chatroom turned me off. after awhile, we became simple friends and then, we became good friends. it's been 7 years now and i still couldn't believe that i have made a long distance best friend from the internet. i truly treasure my relationship with her and i think, whatever happens i will always remember her as my best buddy. she is the best and will always be. i do not have to watch my language when i am with her, i do not have to watch my attitude when i am with her. i am so free like a bird, we are natural to each other we can pass as sisters. you know how sisters behave towards each other right? i don't think it is easy for me to find another friend like her. it's gonna take some time.

i actually have two outstanding things to do. i am not sure if i am able to do it, it takes time and money. these two are my hobbies and i have yet to decide which one to do first. i might go for the skating course first. it's cheaper than the other one. oh yes, i went skating last saturday and it was fun. i didn't sweat as much as the other skaters during skating. i wonder why that is but i guess i didn't have much fats to burn anyway, ha ha ha. it was quite unusual because i usually sweat a lot on other skating nights. anyway, it is good to skate with them, it makes the event more fun and lively. i don't really know how is hulk doing with his skates. i am kind of tired to always have to be the one to remind him to practice. i hope he learn fast so that he will be able to go out on skating trips with us.

there's a skating event organise by skateline on the 29th of jan at the esplanade. i might go if the rest are going. the only thing difficult is to bring the stuffs. i got to wear my big pouch to put my sandal in it. i have skated at the esplanade and it was fun because it is in town and there are many people to watch you skate if you like to show off your skating skills, just make sure you don't make yourself a laughing stock. but the best place to skate has always been at ECP. very nice place and convenient too but if you want to have the place all to yourself, be there after 10 pm and you can skate all night without having to worry about human traffic. it can be annoying sometimes to skate at a crowded place. you can't speed and you can't do your stunt that is why i am always there after 10 pm. it's a good place to work out with your skate.

i have to go to the driving school later on. i tried the theory trial test and i passed it with only 2 mistakes. not bad huh? i have to go there everyday from now on cos my test date is on this 29th jan. got to get myself used to the questions. i hope i will pass the test so that i can proceed with my practical lessons. i need to put aside some money for the fees too. geezzz, it's all about money and more money.

i am so sleepy now. i did my reading late at night and i only slept at half past 1 last night. i have been losing lots of sleep lately. have to do my reading and to catch up with the time table. ahh i got to go now. talk to you later diary. bye now.

fuck them all

dear diary,

since the day i started chatting on the internet, i have come to know many people from all walks of life. these people have been my friends while some remain as acquaintances. i never really had much trouble until i came to know this particular person. i guess i am regretting the fact that i was once thought to be in love with her. the only mistake i made was to chat with her. all my life, i have never come across someone as complicated and complex as her. she seems fine but i only realised she is full of toxic after we had our fair share of disagreements over relationship issues. my friends never like her neither do they have any respect towards her. they knew how she treated me and it was unbelievable. i never bothered about all those stuffs because i just thought it is parts and parcels of life but one thing that scares me off is how she looks at things and how she always acts on impulse.

i realised that after i have known her, i have created quite a stir among one small circle of people. we are not friends neither are we enemies but we know each other from the same source. even if we have not met in person, it is inevitable not to hear stories about each other. so, people talk and people gossip whatever their intentions may be and some things are said naturally like any other general stories. here i was, minding my own business until i received a call from her. it was a surprise because never in a million years i expected a call from her. we talked and it was the longest conversation i have ever had in my whole entire life. if i am not mistaken it lasted for almost 8 hours and it was a long distance call! i wonder how much did the the telco charge her for that. it is scary you know, i felt sorry for her about the bill but what can i do and what can i say?

for that 8 hours of phonecall, we didn't run out of conversations and the conversations we had did not run dry. she talked and i talked, although i tried to be cautious with what i said, i fell under her commands. everthing else became history and i am keeping a good distance away from her. i am not sure if i can trust her, many unpleasant things happened after that and it makes me sick and annoyed. of course i do not let any of it to ruin my day and life but i have learnt my lesson now and i am very careful nowadays with people. whatever some people think of me, i let them be because i know it is something beyond my means to make every single persons to like me.

it is madness to try and reach to every single soul you know to make them see your intentions and to explain to them. even if i have managed to make them hear me but i cannot guarantee that they will listen and believe me. it is tough but i am not allowing it to bother me that much. the most important thing i believe is to have your family with you. as long as i have the love of my family and the love of my good trusted friends, i will be fine and safe. it is these people who will stand by me in my times of sorrow and grief, and it is still these people who will stand by me through thick and thin, laughter and happiness. so why should i be bothered by people who hardly knows my real name, who has never render any help to me, who has never got an invitation to my house, who has never cry and share my pain and grief with me to make me feel bad and lousy?

i have done my fair share of mistakes and only god knows how sorry i am and if people still want to judge me from the mistakes i have done, then be my guest because i know what matters most is what god thinks of me. in the end, i only have to answer to him and no one else. people make up stories and give all sorts of excuses and reasons for their careless actions and thoughtless words but i am not going to be categorised under that group, yes i have hurt some people with my actions and words and yes, i have unintentionally created rumours but whatever that i have said are things that happened in reality, i did not make them up neither do i added false details to it. however, it is still my fault because i told the stories voluntarily. that one stupid mistake cause a minor chaos to this circle of people i have known. it was such a taboo to trust someone so much and in the end got played out. it is a very dissapointing fact but can be quite comical in a bitter way.

i have stayed away from those people. i do not think of them as my enemies neither do i think of them as my friends. i just prefer to stay away to keep things under control and check as often as possible. i have learnt that unpleasant things can happen from my actions even if i do not have the intention for it to turn unpleasant. therefore, i would rather cut all ties with that circle of people if i do not have the confidence to keep things under control. better be safe than sorry, better to be paranoid than regret, better to be wary now than later. that's what i have learnt from the Bermuda Triangle. i have decided to call them bermuda triangle, there are 3 of them and i am afraid of them because they seem to be toxic and dangerous. they sting like a bee and they hiss like a venomous snake and i am not going to make myself a prey to those predators anymore.

my few stories

Dear diary, i actually had written something for you yesterday but something was wrong with my disk. i can't open up the file and it pissed me off. this is the thing with technology nowadays, you get too dependent on them that if they break down, you will break down too. take for example, if you lose your mobile phone without having any back up copy of the contacts stored in your SIM card, all your contacts will be gone too and you will feel like a lost kid in the middle of an unknown town. and if your mobile battery ran low and was automatically switched off, you will have trouble making calls from the public phone because you don't memorize the number. humans are getting pampered technologically.

i am not sure if it's bad news for some people but there was a public announcement by the Singapore Muslims Associations last night saying that the sacrificing rituals in singapore this year has to be brought forward to sunday morning due to the delay in shipment of sheeps from australia. this is because of the rough sea conditions. it is unexpected but it has happened before in 1964 if i am not mistaken. it looks like i will stay at home tomorrow and don't have to be in the mosque in the morning. this is quite an experience for me because it is my first time sacrificing a lamb and the delay of the shipment has added on to the whole experience. singapore has always imported the sheeps, lambs and cows from australia every year for the sacrificing rituals. we have no local supplier and thus have to depend on imported ones and i guess this is bound to happen since anything can happen during travelling.

i called corn pie these past few days and she always has to be the one to excuse herself first. she seems so busy and always in the middle of something. i got annoyed with that but i know i cannot complain much, we are not an item anyway. but what puzzles me is judging from the way we talk and address each other, we can pass as a couple. i am coming to KL this holiday and she wants to put up with me during the time i am in KL. i don't know yet as i will be busy and my schedule will be tight. i think i will just let nature takes its course. i am sick of being concern over petty issues. i have many people to meet and i am not sure if i am able to meet all of them. i always like to meet people individually because that way, i can get to know them first hand and can have the time to ourselves. i have about 2 new friends to meet and the rest are all old. nevertheless, i am excited to meet them all because it's been awhile since i met them.

i called russia a couple of times lately and everytime before we hung up, we always have to disagree on something. the thing about russia is she likes to disagree with me and does not back up her opinion which makes me sick. i have always been taught to back up my opinions with relevant facts and logical explanations so when someone disagree with me without reasons or explanations, i take it as she does not know what she is talking about. that's what we were taught in school, history, general paper and law subjects in particular, tell students to back up their arguments and opinions critically without running away from the main topic. i can never bring myself to understand why someone would want to disagree and not support her stand. i challenged russia to support her stand and she always without fail refused to do so giving me reasons such as she will let me win this time or that time which makes me even more sick. it makes me feel so irritated and turn off actually. she told me that i said things just to satisfy myself and when i asked her to give me examples, she couldn't. so i told her back that she only do things to satisfy herself and i even offered her for details and examples. russia always think that she is superior than me in many ways. even if i am wrong i cannot help but to feel that way. but the truth is, i have always enjoyed her attention. sometimes, i disagree and argue with her on purpose just to see how well she handles it. it is good to have debate partner, it makes us be onguard and alert.

aramis and i have been exchanging news last week. it's all because of of my eye. i think i have not been drinking enough water and my body may be heaty. something was about to grow in my left eye, it's called 'tembel' in malay. people always believe that tembel grows because the body lacks water. i was going to the cat show on sunday and i did not want to be present in the cat show with the thing you call tembel in my eye. frantically, i sent text messages to everybody in my contact list to ask for any remedies. aramis replied me back and we had small conversation from there. she is taking care of her mum now and she has got herself a maid to help out with the chores. i am quite happy for her because she is no longer staying alone and at least she will not be that lonely anymore. i am glad and i wish her mum would stay with her forever. i miss her everyday of my life since i got to know her 6 years ago. it is amazing that our friendship is still alive even though it is long distance. i had her as my girlfriend but i let her go. it's sad thinking back but i know that things always happen for reasons we always overlooked. i have a dream to grow old with her but i am not sure if i could achieve it. it is a bright idea like the star but it is also far and beyond reach, only special people have reached for the stars. she is one woman i have always love, there isn't a moment in my life i do not think of her.

i might be skating tonight for short distance as i don't think the rest will join. it's been awhile and i miss skating actually. i have not sign up for any advanced skating classes yet. money and time play a role. right now, i have the money but i do not have the time. i don't mind signing up alone as it would be better, no hassle and no hard feelings with friends. hulk has been lazy and i gave up on him. why should i worry and remind him to train when he is an adult? i grew tired of reminding him. in my mind, if one buys a pair of skate, one must be willing to train and practice without having someone to remind him to do that.

you know that my quran class has started don't you diary? it is fun, i enjoy the lessons everytime. the Ustaz is fun and has plenty sense of humour. i have managed to recognize the characters and i am able to write them down. it is a good progress i have made. i need to practice on it as often as i could otherwise i would forget and have to start all over. i think the first module emphasises on characters recognition, pronounciation, and the merger of the characters. i was told that the most effective way to recognise the characters is to remember the position of the dots. learning something which you must know is exciting especially after you have realised how crucial it is. i never bothered to recognise the characters in the arabic class when i was young and always making excuses to absent myself from it. now that i have realised the importance of it, i always make an effort to learn diligently.

Proud Owner of Hang Tuah

i was on medical leave yesterday and did not get out of the house except to see the doctor. i went to polyclinic and spent 2.5 hours waiting to be consulted by the doctor. it was unusually crowded yesterday than the rest of the days until i realized that it was Monday. it was terrible and annoying that you have to wait that long for a less than 5 minutes consultation and for a medical certificate leave. i ended up spending more money instead of saving. if i had known that it would cost that much, i would rather go to the private clinic than polyclinic, it could save me a lot of time as well. it cost that much probably because i told the doctor i had a diarrohae. the medicines for diarrohae cost more than fever so that explains the price. darn! i should have told the doctor i had fever instead of diarrohae.

it seems to me that i have been busy on almost every weekends in January this year. last week, i went for my quran class on saturday and then went to JB on sunday and spent the whole day there, this past weekend was a hectic one too. i went for my quran class as usual and when i was on the way back, mum called saying dad wanted to go to Mustafa Centre to look for shoes. i came home, took my shower, perform the maghrib prayer, got change and off to Serangoon. we came home at 1 am and i felt like a zombie. once we got home, we quickly prepared the stuffs to bring for Hang Tuah's cat show on Sunday. it was our first time and we didn't really know what to bring and what to expect. we ended up bringing lots of unnecessary things. Tuah got into his new carrier and didn't make a lot of noise until after approximately 1 hour of the journey. i think he got bored being cooped up in the carrier and he scratched and pushed his nose forward in an attempt to get out of the carrier. i can sense that he got agitated and restless, once we got down from the bus, we went to a secluded area and let him out of the carrier for awhile. he seemed relieved and enjoyed his short moments outside the carrier. we had to continue with our journey so Tuah had to be put back into his carrier. this time, he did not make so much noise cos we let him out in the cab and we just got lucky cos the cab driver seemed not to mind.

i was amazed to find out how serious the competition can get. cages were given to each cat and owners actually decorated the cages so beautifully that one would think how privilege it is to be a house pet. we didn't bring anything for decorations, not even a towel for him. Tuah's cage was the most simplest and boring one until some good samaritan lent us her cat's towel. i folded the towel nicely and placed it to fit the base of the cage so that he will not feel the cold steel anymore. Tuah was such a good boy throughout the competition. he didn't make any noise, he was not being difficult and he definitely did not give us trouble or embarassement. he sleeps in his cage and occasionally woke up to the noise made by the public in awe at how cute or how beautiful he is. There were 2 rounds of competitions and each round was judged by a different judge. there were 2 judges altogether and one was from Japan and one was from australia. Tuah didn't get to final in the first round but he managed to get to the final in the second round and i was so ecstatic because i knew once he got to the final, he is definitely going to be in the top 10 cats under the 'Best Household Category'. he is such a lovely cat. both judges said that he is very clean, very well taken care of and is in not excellent yet but just good condition. that is enough to make us the proud owner of Hang Tuah. the judge from japan said that Tuah has good long body, very soft, silky hair, beautiful blue eyes and has a handsome face. i noticed that the judge from japan likes cats with big, muscular, strong body. she always emphasised on how thin or fat a cat she judged and i guessed Tuah got lucky cos he is big and with good posture and body for a kitten his age. the only thing he lacks, is his colour. his natural hair colourisation takes such a long time to develop. he is cream lilac and not mitted. i guess we have to wait till he is 1 year old to see his natural colour. most probably he is going to be blue. he is such a darling diary, you should have seen him during the competition. he is such a good charming boy. I have the feeling that Tuah can go far in competition in household category. we can't enter him in championship and major event because there is a standard requirement for Ragdoll to enter into major competition and believe me, not many Ragdolls have that qualities, it is like 1 in a hundreds around the world. it was difficult for the judge to judge for household category as well, since there are no standared guidelines and requirements for it. I strongly believes that cats are chosen to be winners based on the judge's preferences and taste, experiences only adds to the judge's quality of judging. my brother and i have decided to get another cat that is of championship competition quality. we want to have one cat for household category and one cat for championship category. siamese and persian are easy to get into champironship since there are no strict requirement for them to enter. but what i really have in mind is american shorthair. their hair colour is attractive and believe me, they can pass for a tiget sometimes at one look or as a forest cat. i don't exactly know when does he want to get one but i can't wait to add one more kitten to my existing collection of cats. Tuah won the ninth place for Best Household Cats category and won himself 20 kg of cat's pride litter, 6 kg of Royal Canin cat food, a bottle of fish flavoured water and a few other goodies. we are saved from the trouble of buying him anymore litter for the next 4-5 months or so. that is the benefit for winning in a competition, apart from getting the recognition, you get free supply of food and litter as well.

i am actually in a dilemma diary. i don't really know what to do and i need some good advice from people. i wish i could let it out to you now but you have to wait diary. i need to have a concrete plan first. i am disturbed by this thought for so many days now. i am going to make a major decision in my life and i have to think carefully about this. i have to list out the pros and cons, i have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages and i have to look into it further. i need to ask my family members, my closest trusted friends, my cousins and my acquaintances. this is one big major decision of my life diary and i hope i will make the right one.

never been this busy

It is only 12 days since new year and I already felt that this year is a very busy year for me. I have activities to do or to attend almost every weekend and I have to juggle between them and studies. I have never been so busy like this before and it feels unusual, like it is so not me, you know what I am saying diary? Like I said in my earlier journals, this year will ceate history in my life. I have started doing the things I wanted to do and I only have two more outstanding task to do and I am contemplating about it. Money plays a factor as well because the things I want to do are more course oriented where I have to attend classes and fees are applicable. They are not urgent but I do hope I am able to achieve them by end of this year.

I have to be a morning person this Sunday as I have to be at the cat show by 8.30 am at Pasir Ris and it is far from where I live. Hang tuah will definitely be awake by then but I am more worried about myself and my brother because both of us are not morning persons. Hang tuah woke me up at 6 this morning calling out to me very loudly and you know how loud a cat?s voice can be. It?s high pitch and sharp and it?s ear piercing. I hope hang tuah will not make much noise when we put him inside the new carrier as the distance is long and he can get bored being cooped up in it. But I am sure he?s gonna be fine cos he can have clear view of the outside from the bag cos the bag is design for him to be able to view the surroundings. He can even stick out his head out of the bag. I just love him so much that I think I will not let anything happen to him.

He vomitted last night after his dinner. We suspected that it?s the wet food that made him vomitted. I bought him fish flavours usually but my brother bought him chicken flavour and fed him with it. He still ate his dinner as usual but after awhile, he ran to his litter tray and vomitted. I immediately knew it?s the wet food the caused this, we changed his wet food to ocean fish and he did not vomit anymore after that. He?s one very smart kitten I can say. I had cats before hang tuah but they were all local and they did not rush to the toilet to vomit when they had to. They just vomitted at the spot where they were standing unlike hang tuah where he ran quickly to his litter tray and vomitted in his tray. Somehow he knows that his litter is not only for his stools and poohs but also for any other form of discharge he needs to do. That?s a very clever kitten! I love him even more since last night.

I have been thinking of little sister lately and I really wonder how is she doing. The last time I heard from her was last month when she called me. she was going back to australia and said she will call me from there when she has the time. I hope she is safe and happy there. I feel so sorry for her not being able to live like how she wants to. If I can do a miracle, I would give her an everlasting good health. I miss her so much, I miss reading her emails, I miss her laughter and I miss her concerns over me. please god, give her a better life and good health, cure her from any disease she is suffering..

You know diary, I have been shopping a lot lately. I bought myself lots of sports wear for skating, one mango and 2 abercrombie and fitch tops, a pair of levis jeans and recently a watch. There are many other things that I bought like, cds, pouch, Tuah?s carrier and many more. I have stopped buying now and want to concentrate on saving money. I hope I can save 15K by end of this year. I know I can if I just focus and stop spending unnecessarily. Let?s talk about the watch shall we? It?s beach in colour and has leather strap. I don?t have many watch that comes in leather strap. It?s a Titus and I have been eyeing on it for a long time and I happen to be browsing when I saw that it?s going on offer at 40% off the total price. It?s a good bargain and I didn?t want to miss the opportunity of having it at almost half the price. Anyway, it?s in my list of things to buy so I didn?t feel that I spent money unnecessarily. It?s a nice watch diary, very exclusive and expensive looking watch. I just had to get it.

Oh before I forgot, I met yanni and kinablu last Sunday and yanni told me that I have lost weight. That made me smile and felt good about myself, it boost my confidence. Many have said I have lost lots of weight but they also told me not to get too thin. Well, I have never thought myself as thin or slim but I know I am at my ideal weight. Oh well diary, I am sleepy, need to sleep. You take care. Bye for now.

becoming jawi literate....

Last weekend was exciting and full of activities. Apart from the usual house cleaning on Saturday morning, I had my first lesson of quran reading at Darul Arqam. Initially, I was apprehensive to attend the class because I guess I got goose bumps at the last minute. This always happen to me whenever I have to go for the first day of lessons or school. I was hesitant a bit and kept having this thought to absent myself from class. Finally I gathered enough courage and went to class. I was almost late, thanks to my brother?s advice. I had to take a cab from where he dropped me off, thankfully I had withdraw enough cash to pay the taxi fare.

When I reached Darul Arqam, I had a problem finding the classroom as there was no sign to direct the students or if there was any it was not prominent. I had to ask a few staffs there and was shown to my class. When I entered, I saw 3 men and 2 women; both women were in tudung while I had nothing on my head except for my slightly spiky blonde coloured hair. I was not embarrassed by my outlook cos I knew darul arqam is meant for Muslim converts and even born Muslims who have little or zero knowledge of Islam. I signed my attendance and took a seat. Unsurprisingly, the Ustaz thought that I was a convert and he was surprised when I told him that I was a born Muslim. The class was very interactive and fun. Full of excitement and humour too. I did not feel even the slightest awkwardness and shameful to learn Jawi and I felt happy and glad I signed up for the class. I have begun to recognize all of the 28 Arabic letters and how to write them too. I am looking forward to every Saturday nowadays so that I can quickly learn to read the quran.

I met yanni and kinabalu on Sunday in JB. It was fun and noisy. It was not my first time meeting yanni but it was for kinabalu. When we met, I could sense that kinabalu was shy and felt awkward. I laughed at her clumsiness and she got even clumsier and blushed. She was funny because she tried to avoid my eye contact and in doing so, proved even more that she was shy. I teased her to my heart?s content and I knew how she hated me for that. It was fun teasing her because she is not sensitive and fragile and she can take hard and soft jokes. That?s what I like about kinabalu. I would say that we have got better acquainted with each other before we met. We often sms and chat with each other on the phone. Thus, we did not feel so lost with each other; furthermore, yanni was there to balance everything. I enjoyed the meeting and invited them to come over to Singapore. I told them that they can put up at my place if they want to. They seem interested and we went on chatting about our lives and wish. Kinabalu was not a bad looking person. She was simple but yet showed little elements of fashion from the way she wore her hair to the way she dresses. I left JB for Singapore just before Maghrib and told them to keep in touch. I supposed I will be keeping in touch with them because I believe they are good people to be friends with.

Purple chatted with me few nights ago and told me that she?s feeling down. Her ex gf has been putting her down and she felt that she was treated unfairly by her ex. I comforted her and tried to make her feel better. There are some things about purple that I am confuse like how she told me she is not looking for love anymore but simultaneously she can be a little mushy towards me. Perhaps I am just exaggerating but explain to me how can a person who does not wish to look for love can call you ?dear?, ?honey?, ?baby ? and?sayang?? She called me for almost everyday last month until she realized the phone bills have been eating into her budget. Tell me what does she mean when she sent me a sms saying she needs to hear my voice after her many calls were not answered by me? How do you explain that? I am scared actually, because as much as I want to be close to her, I also do not want her to get the wrong impression. Well, anyway, she is a nice and sweet person but I guess it is her habit for addressing people whom she knows with all those loving names. I might as well get used to it. It?s ok to be verbally intimate as long as we keep it in check on the level of intimacy and have mutual understanding on it. Anyway, she is a great person and I wish she will stay as my friend come what may.

when new year brings no joy

It has been 7 days since the New Year and looking back, my life has been a roller coaster ride. There are many events in my life which leaves me devastated and there are many people I have known that leave me wondering of things yet to come. 2004 will definitely be the year I remember most vividly because it is the year that marked the death of my beloved brother. It is also the year that Hang Tuah came to live with us. The reason why we brought Hang Tuah to live with us is to reduce the time we have to ourselves. When we have so much time to ourselves without something to do or someone to talk to, the time would bring us back to the loving memories of my brother. It would only bring sadness and pain, tears and miseries. Hang Tuah saves us a lot from pain and depression and yes, I have to admit, he is the sunshine of our family now.

I still remember how excited I was waiting for the time when we can bring Hang Tuah home and how we decided to name him Serena when we thought he was a female. He turned out to be a male and we have unanimously agreed on the name Hang Tuah. When my brother called from the breeder?s place asking for a male name, Hang Tuah came spontaneously to my mind. Perhaps I am a nationalist at heart and the spirit of loving my history has been instilled in me, thus the name seems all too good for me. As expected, my mother and brother have no problem with the name and infact they are proud to name him Hang Tuah. He is 4 months old now and already weighs 3kg. That is one hell of a heavy cat for a kitten!!

Hari Raya Haji is just around the corner and proudly, I have bought myself a lamb to be slaughtered. I have made an arrangement with the mosque to proceed with the ceremony. This is my first time doing it on my own and I am excited and proud of myself. This is quite an eventful ceremony in my life and I know I am only doing this because of what is requested by Islam. I feel that I am beginning to lean myself closer to Him and focuses on the most basic things first and foremost. The Quran class starts tomorrow afternoon and I am thrilled to begin. My aim is to complete the course this year and be able to read it on my own. I have not been praying 5 times a day but there has not been a day where I skip all the prayers in a day, however, I do get lazy sometimes and I know I have to fight it on my own. I can easily go back to my old days if I had been lenient with myself but I know I am not and will not be. I still can?t believe that it has been 7 months since I have started praying continuously on a daily basis. Something which seem so far away and unlikely to me has become my habit and this habit is getting harder to break each day. I am glad and I am happy with how and what I am now. It?s what I say, a practising Muslim Lesbian. I am not sure if it makes sense to you Diary, but I guess I will do whatever I can to uplift the faith I believe in and leave the rest to Him. Being a lesbian does not mean I have to stop being a Muslim isn?t it? I might have contradicted myself to some people but I guess that?s what people are on earth for. They are here to give different opinions, views, perceptions, ideas and comments. No one is right and no one is wrong, it is just how you state your facts and figures.

This year will definitely mark my revolution. I have written down the things I want to accomplish and it?s a lot of hard work. Many things to achieve with so little time but I know it is possible because impossible is nothing. My palmtop has been my loyal companion daily, I always check the things I need to achieve daily on it and set an alarm for every single one of them daily. It is no wonder why the battery always keep running low with the constant reminders.

I have shop less now instead I have save more. Every little thing I want to buy, I will hesitate and think twice before I make my purchase. I don?t want to be an impulsive shopper anymore. It works and I am seeing my bank account grows and it is still growing. The fund is for my studies and I know how much I have is crucial. Kuala Lumpur is a stone throw away and I have a vision about my life there. It is a matter of time and will become a reality soon.

Everyone is talking about it and I guess you must have known about it too don?t you diary? The Tsunami wave has hit most part of Asia and many people are left devastated and homeless. There are approximately 150,000 deaths and the figure is expected to rise up anytime soon. Kofi Annan has described the natural disaster as an unprecedented catastrophe and appeal for an unprecedented world aid. This is the worst of all natural disaster that the United Nation has seen since its 60 years history. I am shocked myself and very much disturbed by what happened. It seems to me and many others that God is angry with us and did this for reminding us that he is watching. Many children have become orphans, many parents have lost their children, many families have become homeless and many people have been left with uncertainties of what yet to come. I imagine myself as one of the Tsunami victims and put myself in their shoes. It?s painful and sad. I know how it is like to lose a family member and my misery and sadness is little compared to what the victims are suffering now. How thankful and glad I am with what I have got. How grateful I am to be living in a country where natural disaster seems so distant. I know it is all in his hands and whatever will be will be. Survivors said it is like the end of the world, it is like the earth is being washed away with water, it is like the earth is swallowed by the sea, leaving very slim chance for survival. Even the man with strength of steels cannot survive the disaster, even the fastest and best swimmer in the Olympic cannot fight the waves and stormy sea, it is an act of God and no one man on earth can resists the impact of God?s act. It only takes a miracle to survive and miracle is still granted by God.

It is good to know that the world has come together to contribute however they can to the Tsunami victims aid fund. Many countries have pledged millions and millions of dollars, however there are many obstacles that the volunteers and rescue workers face. Many help and aid have arrived to the affected countries but to get them to the affected rural areas are difficult as many roads have been destroyed and insufficient of fuel for the vehicle hampered the mission. The disaster has totally destroyed the infrastructure of most affected areas making it difficult to get help across. I saw the news on TV and how the victims beg for food and water. It makes me feel so ashamed of myself. Here I am having an abundant supply of clothes, shoes and bags and still have the thought that it?s not enough while there are many out there are experiencing something which seems a never ending hardship. Not only they lost their family members but they lost everything else as well. What left now is hope to a brighter future? My prayers go to the victims of Tsunami regardless of race, language or religion.