fuck them all

dear diary,

since the day i started chatting on the internet, i have come to know many people from all walks of life. these people have been my friends while some remain as acquaintances. i never really had much trouble until i came to know this particular person. i guess i am regretting the fact that i was once thought to be in love with her. the only mistake i made was to chat with her. all my life, i have never come across someone as complicated and complex as her. she seems fine but i only realised she is full of toxic after we had our fair share of disagreements over relationship issues. my friends never like her neither do they have any respect towards her. they knew how she treated me and it was unbelievable. i never bothered about all those stuffs because i just thought it is parts and parcels of life but one thing that scares me off is how she looks at things and how she always acts on impulse.

i realised that after i have known her, i have created quite a stir among one small circle of people. we are not friends neither are we enemies but we know each other from the same source. even if we have not met in person, it is inevitable not to hear stories about each other. so, people talk and people gossip whatever their intentions may be and some things are said naturally like any other general stories. here i was, minding my own business until i received a call from her. it was a surprise because never in a million years i expected a call from her. we talked and it was the longest conversation i have ever had in my whole entire life. if i am not mistaken it lasted for almost 8 hours and it was a long distance call! i wonder how much did the the telco charge her for that. it is scary you know, i felt sorry for her about the bill but what can i do and what can i say?

for that 8 hours of phonecall, we didn't run out of conversations and the conversations we had did not run dry. she talked and i talked, although i tried to be cautious with what i said, i fell under her commands. everthing else became history and i am keeping a good distance away from her. i am not sure if i can trust her, many unpleasant things happened after that and it makes me sick and annoyed. of course i do not let any of it to ruin my day and life but i have learnt my lesson now and i am very careful nowadays with people. whatever some people think of me, i let them be because i know it is something beyond my means to make every single persons to like me.

it is madness to try and reach to every single soul you know to make them see your intentions and to explain to them. even if i have managed to make them hear me but i cannot guarantee that they will listen and believe me. it is tough but i am not allowing it to bother me that much. the most important thing i believe is to have your family with you. as long as i have the love of my family and the love of my good trusted friends, i will be fine and safe. it is these people who will stand by me in my times of sorrow and grief, and it is still these people who will stand by me through thick and thin, laughter and happiness. so why should i be bothered by people who hardly knows my real name, who has never render any help to me, who has never got an invitation to my house, who has never cry and share my pain and grief with me to make me feel bad and lousy?

i have done my fair share of mistakes and only god knows how sorry i am and if people still want to judge me from the mistakes i have done, then be my guest because i know what matters most is what god thinks of me. in the end, i only have to answer to him and no one else. people make up stories and give all sorts of excuses and reasons for their careless actions and thoughtless words but i am not going to be categorised under that group, yes i have hurt some people with my actions and words and yes, i have unintentionally created rumours but whatever that i have said are things that happened in reality, i did not make them up neither do i added false details to it. however, it is still my fault because i told the stories voluntarily. that one stupid mistake cause a minor chaos to this circle of people i have known. it was such a taboo to trust someone so much and in the end got played out. it is a very dissapointing fact but can be quite comical in a bitter way.

i have stayed away from those people. i do not think of them as my enemies neither do i think of them as my friends. i just prefer to stay away to keep things under control and check as often as possible. i have learnt that unpleasant things can happen from my actions even if i do not have the intention for it to turn unpleasant. therefore, i would rather cut all ties with that circle of people if i do not have the confidence to keep things under control. better be safe than sorry, better to be paranoid than regret, better to be wary now than later. that's what i have learnt from the Bermuda Triangle. i have decided to call them bermuda triangle, there are 3 of them and i am afraid of them because they seem to be toxic and dangerous. they sting like a bee and they hiss like a venomous snake and i am not going to make myself a prey to those predators anymore.