Missing My Car Passionately...

Dear Diary,

I have been meaning to write to you yesterday but the DLL files on my netbook might be corrupted thus I could not open my Microsoft Words. I am writing to you now from my laptop. It was a good thing that I brought back my laptop with me to Singapore. Otherwise you have to wait until I get the DLL files fixed on my netbook.

How are you? I am good here. I just came back from lunch with my family. We fetched mum from work and we went lunch after that. I had Nasi Ayam Penyet. It was a big portion and I did not finish it. I am still full from what I had during lunch and I think I might skip dinner. I still practice my policy of rice-once-a-day. I have not been jogging for a long time although I have been doing some cardio work outs since I came back here. I got to bring back my sport clothes, running shoes and so many more back here. I can imagine the travelling that I have to make to bring them back with the coach unless I can bring them back with a car, that would be my brother’s I supposed.
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It is ironic that I cannot drive my car into Singapore. Do you know that a Singaporean is not allowed to drive a Malaysian registered car in Singapore Diary? The policy is to protect the economy of Singapore’s car dealers actually. If Singapore had not have such policy, many Singaporeans would have bought cars in Malaysia to keep since it is cheaper that way because of the currency exchange rate. I can imagine the traffic conditions and the roads here if that policy does not exist and how car dealers would complain of bad business. Talking about cars, I miss my car so much. I really do. It is a good car you know. It has very smooth engine and strong too. Its physical condition is almost excellent for a four year old car. Oh Diary, I wish I could drive back my car into Singapore but I can’t. This is sad. Having the car keeps me happy at least. I feel somewhat rejuvenated when I am behind the wheel. It is so good the feeling, you know.

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Do you know that I have something from every woman that I love in that car? I have this toy woman warrior on the dashboard courtesy of Rolly Polly. Oh wait, come to think of it, I have two things in my car from Rolly Polly. The toy and a small paste-on-the-window pillow at the last row seats. I also have a compact disc organiser on the driver’s seat visor courtesy of Pumpkin. I have hooks on the seat courtesy of Gummy Bear. I have a soft toy gorilla hanging by the window courtesy of Dark Chocolate. I have a decoration pendant that hangs from the rear view mirror courtesy of Manhattan. I have this kangaroo sign on the window courtesy of Flying Babe. Since I bought this car after I broke up with Infinity, I do not have anything from her in this car, although I would love to because she used to be the woman whom I have loved no matter what happened between us. I have yet to ask Broken Angel for something for the car. Perhaps I can ask her to replace my seat cover with leather! We will see about that although I am sure she would not. *Winks*

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I received a call from Dark Chocolate last night. She called me on my fixed line. She is back to Malaysia and we have arranged to meet on Monday. I have to pass her the Maxis modem because we are terminating it since I will not be needing it anymore. It is a good timing for us. Dark Chocolate is not back for good though. She will go back to London this April and she will be there for about two years she told me. I suppose she likes what she is doing now. I would say that she is brave enough to take the big leap in her life and gain experience working overseas regardless where it is. Working away from our motherland makes us grow wiser and become more independent. I plan to visit her late this year when I have settled every outstanding issue of mine. She promised me that I can share her bed with her. *Winks*

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Oh Diary, the door bell just rang. Someone is at the door. I would love to write some more but I have to go. You take care now Diary. Love you.

Go FaikaNur!!

Dear Diary,

I had nasi beriani kambing for dinner last night courtesy of mum. The rice was a bit soggy but any other matters beside that were perfect. I helped mum clear the table to serve the food and ate dinner together with the rest of the family. It is not that I have a big family you know but I suppose the traditions and customs exist in all families. We eat dinner together regardless the size of our family.

As I scooped some rice onto the plates, I somehow thought of my late brother. I recalled how mum used to cook big portions of every dish whenever she cooked because he was such a big eater. My brothers and dad are all big eaters and everytime we served dinner, there was always plenty to eat. The motto last time was better had abundant portions of food served than little. Things have changed so much in our family. I do not know why I am feeling like this nowadays. The longer I have been here the more I see the changes in my family. I supposed I did not spend much time with them after my late brother died. I left too soon for Malaysia after he was gone. I grieved for him alone, all by myself. That was when my heart of stone turned into jelly, so soft that you can smash it with your fist.

Dad had a second serving as usual and I watched him eat. I smiled a little in my heart. Dad has always been a big eater since I was young. He practically eats everything and he likes it especially when mum cooks many dishes during special occasions. I would be mum’s kitchen helper when she cooks. I supposed that is where I picked up my cooking skills and that is how I grew to love cooking instead of baking.

Do you remember Pumpkin Diary? She is going to Sabah this April and she emailed me to borrow my waterproof camera. I supposed she thought that I have one when I do not. I remembered how I told her I wanted to get one and I almost got it until I changed my mind at the last minute. I just did not see much use of it for me. I do not go scuba diving neither do I always go snorkeling so the idea of having a waterproof underwater camera proof unnecessary for me. Furthermore, the price is as good as a DSLR camera. I might as well get a DSLR camera like that. Am I not right Diary? But then again, if I have lost of cash to spare, I would not mind considering both cameras. You know how I am with gadgets don’t you?

The email about the camera leads to further exchange of emails with wonderful stories of lives. That is the thing with Pumpkin and I. Our friendship survives on long distance communications. We have been friends for close to six years if I am not mistaken. She is like the kind of friend that I would go to for suggestions and advice. She listens to me and never fails to put herself in my shoes when listening to my predicaments. That is what made Pumpkin so special to me. The funny part of our friendship is, we do not really hang out even if she lives about two kilometers away from my house in Subang Jaya. However, when we are far, we started communicating. Get what I mean, Diary? I have a couple of friends who are like that. I call them my friends for theraphy. We email a lot and that is how we become closer because I believe when we write, we write about what we truly feel. There is no need to hide your feelings. There is no need to put up a false front. The more we write, the more we become closer at heart. I supposed my friends for theraphy know me even better and well than the friends, I physically meet.

Oh Diary, a few of them asked me about what is going on with my life lately. You know about the story don’t you? I am actually sick of it already. It is not about revenge or holding grudges, it is a matter of principles. In short, it means if I allow people to think of herself first before committing to a business proposal, then the same privilege must be given to me too to think about myself first before I want to commit. All I said to her was I needed time to think about it. I needed time to discuss it with my mother and probably seek her motherly advice and opinions. Since the burden will be heavier on me, of course I will want to be sure of everything first before I give my full commitments.

I said the burden is heavier on me because, apart from financial issues, there is also immigration issues that I have to take into considerations. She jolly well knows of my situations. All she had to do was wait until I make my decisions but nope, she did not. Instead, she posted something like that on her facebook as though I have done nothing. Obviously, she meant the post for me. Even if it was not meant for me, it meant for the situations and I am in that situations. I am not a kid. We are adults and we can read between the lines. Do not insult my intelligence. And I really wonder what can she offer me if I did not agree? Can she offer me to quit her job or can we swop places? Obviously not! So why post message like that as if you are a saviour to the situations? That is the thing Diary. It is so easy to say because words are cheap but it is not so easy to do.

I always believe that things happen for reasons and right now, I am keeping my options open and I can see clearly now of all the possibilities standing infront of me. When one door shuts, another always opens. I will have to bring back some of my belongings to Singapore. I will still keep the house and the car nevertheless. I have arranged with Pumpkin for some help with the car. She actually offered to buy my car but I am still passionately in love with it. I have so many plans for the car. Besides, it is not that I am totally not coming back to Subang, I will of course. It is just that I will spend more time in Singapore than Malaysia. Oh Diary, this is sad but I am looking at the brighter sides of life and I know there is always a silver lining behind every dark clouds.

Go FaikaNur! *Grins*

I Accept My Fate...

Dear Diary,

Last night, Big brother came to talk to me about the house. The valuation is out and we are ready to sell the house at a price all of us agreed. We will have an open house this Sunday for viewers to view the house from 3pm to 6pm. We have hired an agent from ERA and give him exclusivity to sell the house. I hope we can sell this house without much of a hassle and buy a new house without much trouble.

We have not decided what house to buy and I supposed that is why my big brother came to talk to me. He wanted to know of my future plans so he could decide on the new house soon. I really don’t know what to tell him of my plans. I do not even know if I have a plan anymore. Even if there is a plan, all that is left of the plan is an empty hope. Things do not look too great and good for me to carry out plan A. I am certain that I have to live on plan B now. I supposed I have pushed the button and there is no point turning back.

Big brother told me that he might leave Singapore in four years time to work in the United States or United Kingdom. Therefore, he does not wish to have any mortgage to service when the time comes for him to leave. That means he has to buy a smaller house and pay for the house in one lump sum. This is the plan if I decide not to come back to Singapore to live. I told him that I will not live in Singapore. However, just about tonight I have noticed some irregularities on my social networking page. It appears to me that Rolly Polly has decided to take me off from her list of friends. Not only that, a friend of hers has also took me off from hers as well. For a minute, I asked myself, now what did I ever do to her friend? After awhile, I began to realized that this is probably a matter of ‘you fuck with my friend and you fuck with me’. I let it be. We all have rights and we all have preferences.

I knew I had this coming even before I posted my entry last night. I had prepared myself for this and I know it is time for me to face the music. If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. Honestly, I was not surprised. When emotions are at stake, you must expect the outrageous. It is not easy to accept especially when it really hit you right at the heart.

Truth always hurts. Nobody can deny that. It does not matter who is hurt now. It is done already. Do you see what the technology can do to people nowadays, Diary? It is not about ‘be careful with what you wish for’ but it is more like, ‘be careful with what you post online’ kind of thing now. It does not matter who started it or how it began. Both of us are not meant to work together anyways. If this is how it will end, then this is how it will end. A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.

Diary, when my big brother told me he is leaving. I felt my heart sinks a little. I paused for about two minutes pretending to watch the TV when all I had in mind is I am going to lose another brother soon. I composed myself and thought of my parents. How would they react if they were to know? I did not ask my brother if he has broke the news to them. I was actually speechless. So many things were running through my mind. Is it Malaysia or Singapore? If it is in Malaysia what would I do for a living? If it is in Singapore then I have to tell my family fast before we decide what house to buy. Is he really leaving? What about my parents and me? Is he going to be safe there? How long is he going to be there?

I was so lost with my thoughts. Deep down inside my heart, I do not want anymore goodbyes in my family. I have had enough of it. I have lost two brothers and I cannot afford to lose another even if it takes another four years to come. Somehow, I hate him for having thoughts like that. I cannot comprehend why does he want to leave. I started to imagine celebrating Hari Raya with just mother and father. I also imagine how our family photo will have less family members in it. I let my imagination drifted a bit and unconsciously I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

Mum spoke to me tonight and she asked me again about my plans. I looked at her and told her the truth. I asked her where does she want me to be. Being the typical her she answered, she wants me to be wherever I want to be to pursue my dreams. I was holding back my tears when she said that. How could she said that when she has lost two sons and about to lose another? I knew she answered that as a mother who just wants happiness for her child. It does not matter if she has to miss me or have me not living under the same roof as her. That is how mother is; never selfish with her children. How I admire the character of this woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and nine days. She is almost sixty years old but never once thought only of herself. I wanted to hold her hands so tight at that moment but somehow being the typical me, I held back.

Mum then broke the news about big brother leaving. So she already knew. I tried to look for any sign of sadness in her face but I could not find any. Mum is just like Flying Babe, very good in hiding their true emotions. As a woman, I somewhat know how mum feels. I made a silent promise to myself that I will be there for her and dad, no matter what. If I have to come back, then I will.

I began to realize that things do happen for reasons. If I have no means to live in Malaysia, then I shall live in Singapore. If one or two friends left me, I still have my family and a few other good friends, if I have no ‘rezeki’ in Malaysia, then I shall look for it elsewhere and if I can bring my dreams to live in Malaysia came true five years ago, I can surely repeat that again in time to come. Mum and dad, I am coming home for good now.

Shut Up And Just Walk The Talk...

Dear Diary,

I supposed I know the reason why I have become disinterested with Rolly Polly. I have been asking myself why but I never could really point out the right answer until tonight. Do you remember what I wrote to you yesterday about my intentions to talk to her about the plans we have? I have spoken to her and I got some answers. Her answers are motivating and inspirational but it is still one sided, paying more attention on her interests. I supposed that came from her ego.

Diary, in case you have not known what is the plan for the company. It is actually taking up this franchise offer that we could get for the company. However, we have to go through some products and marketing trainings as one of the requirements to be eligible for this program. When we feel that we have grasped and digest enough knowledge from the training, a panel of three interviewers will interview us to see how qualified are we. Now Diary, since we want to have the shop in Malaysia, Rolly Polly has to undergo that interview session on behalf of the company since she is a Malaysian. Therefore, it all boils down on how good she performs in the interview and a few other factors, like franchise fees and a guarantor.

Before anything else, or shall I put it like this, before we can even dream (because I am a dreamer) of having the shop, certain criteria’s have to be met as mentioned above. We are both serious about this and we are taking small steps to ensure we will get it. However, another criterion to meet to qualify for the franchise scheme is that we must do it on a full time basis. Since they allow us to have the shop, we must at least show that we are committed in running the shop full time. I suppose most companies want full commitment from you when they want to give opportunities to you.

Here I am Diary figuring out about the future than the present. We have to come up with a franchise fee and a few other miscellaneous fees before we can qualify for the shop. The final stage that we have to pass is the interview. Thus, here is the story. Rolly Polly has made it clear to me that she will not be able to quit her job because she has many financial commitments to commit. In simple words, she cannot afford to take the risk of quitting first before seeing the result. I do not question neither have I disagreed with her. I just thought that she is afraid to take the big leap. It really takes a lot of guts, courage and strong will to give up your paid job to pursue business opportunities.

Therefore, the arrangement is for me to take care of the shop during the day in the weekdays and she will take care of it during the weekends and the evenings of weekdays. Rolly Polly will only quit her job after we receive our first income (although she did not say how much she is expecting), which can take as long as two months after we opened the shop. I am a natural worrier and I do think of the risks involved before I decided to pursue it further. Doing things without planning will create nothing but havoc especially in business. I may not be Donald Trump but I have had a fair share of business experiences of my own.

I cannot help myself from wondering about our working hours in a retail shop. I cannot simply take care of it alone because I may need to answer nature calls and I may need to eat during operation hours. The solution is for us to have a staff. To have a staff, we need to have cash reserves for the staff’s salary so that means the list of reasons of money we have to have to start this business has gone up by one.

Where money is concern, we need to have miscellaneous fee to open a franchise account, the franchise fee, reserves fund for employee’s salaries and reserves fund for own expenses until we get our first income.

Secondly, it is the operations part. I will come in at 10am and wait until Rolly Polly comes in the evening before I am able to leave. She leaves her office at 530pm and what time do you think she will get to the shop? Does she need to go home first, take her shower and change before coming to the shop? Alternatively, she will just come straight to the shop from her office. The shop closes at 10pm or probably later.

Thirdly, it is the working hours. Let us just talk about hers. She starts work at 830am and finishes at 530pm. Then she will continue working at the shop from whatever time she arrives until it closes and she will work a full 12 hours at the shop during the weekends. When will she ever have a time to rest? Of course, this will not be forever. It will just be for the first two months before we get our income. Nevertheless, what if the income is not up to our expectations or her expectations? Will she still quit her job? Moreover, not forgetting, if according to her, she will quit her job once she gets the first income from this program, which means she will have to tender her resignation letter a month or two months in advance before she can even see the monetary performance of the shop. Will she tender earlier?

I can go on talking about my visa status but I guess this is enough already. I believe to start a business is always easy but to maintain a business is difficult. If I may, I want to maintain this business forever. I will probably sound like a worrier or perhaps a dreamer because I ask too much questions when we have not qualified yet but most of the times, the worrier or the dreamer is the one who makes sure things go right.

Experience is the teacher of fools.

If she can post this on her Face book with so much confidence,

“I am never a dreamer.. If given a lazy chair and a window to stare out and daydream, I cannot do it. INstead I will be thinking about what actions to perform after this. I guess I am the action type and think lateer person..

“Buat dulu bagi jadi lepas itu baru pikir plans semasa membuatnyer. Ianya lebih productive dan menjimatkan masa. Its like learning on the job/task. Time is money. Every second's waste is pembaziran. Redah jer.. worry later. Aiyoo I am so like the Jason Mraz and hippie type...my motto is " don't worry, be Happy " hihihihih hohoho”

I wonder why does she tell me about her mortgage and car loans and whatsoever as reasons why she cannot quit her job yet if we make the grade? She probably thinks that she has me that is why she plans to quit only after the first income from the business. In that way, she is safe. Yes, she said safe probably because at the end of the month she will still have her salary to pay her mortgage, loans and bills regardless how the shop will perform. That is smart isn’t it Diary? It is all about saving oneself first than others. If I had not come into the picture, I really wonder if she will ever carry on with this plan on her own. In any case she is the one with the ‘redah aje, worry later’ manner, so to speak.

I am thought of a dreamer or a worrier when I ask too much questions before we even meet the criteria. I have no full time job with a basic salary, I live on my savings, and I have bills to pay, rent to pay and loans to service. If I run the shop and have to wait for my first pay cheque only after two months of operations, certainly I am concern of what I am going to survive on for those two months, who wouldn’t be? Unlike her, she still has her job to fall on because she will not quit her job immediately.

Most of the times, I feel that she assumes she is the only one with commitments in our company. In my opinion, she in all probability thinks she is cool with her self proclaimed statement boldly considers herself similar to Jason Mraz with that ‘redah aje’- worry later- action type- think later, kind of attitude. Perhaps I must challenge her to quit her job immediately if we qualify so that she knows what it feels like to be in my shoes. But I think I have already and no, she will not quit. She said it is not safe for her. It seems to me that safe is still the issue for her.

What she claims on her Face book, was it just another post that does not really reflect who she is. I supposed she probably wrote that post when she had let her fat self become enveloped with ego, as big as Kuala Lumpur International Airport and self-confidence as strong as a fake diamond; one knock of a hammer and she breaks.

I really do not mind working hard for a more humble, down to earth business partner because I know we are a team. Regardless of differences, we strive shoulder to shoulder but if she talks like that of herself after I posed questions that concerns me, I may need some more time to ponder. Would you like working together with someone who talks big only for herself but does not walk the talk? I do not appreciate that kind of character in a person.  

My major obligation is to be pragmatic and not to mistake slogans for solutions. Don’t worry be happy? Whatever you say, you silly hippie hippopotamus. hihihihihihihih hohohohoho

Applying Business Sense and Sensibility Into Friendship

Dear Diary,

How has it been going for you? I am okay here just figuring out how shall I get about carrying out my objectives. It is a matter of should I do it from Singapore or Malaysia. I am still undecided. I have to see how things work out in the near future. I went for the training last night and it was a great disappointment. I left home feeling very excited and motivated but only to be let down I still do not know if the look on my face played a big part or it was the situation during the training.

As usual, most of the people attended the training were Chinese except me. You know how chameleon I can get in a crowd. The trainer considered or rather thought of me as a Chinese and the training was conducted in Mandarin. I was lost for a moment until he asked me in Mandarin if I had understood what he had explained. I put up a blur look on purpose when I actually knew what he was saying so he could gave the training in English instead of Mandarin. However, some of the participants who were not English educated were reluctant to have the training in English and since they made up the majority and I the minority, I had to give in. so I sat in there for a full two hours listening to his talk in Mandarin. I am so used to this condition so I never really felt anything about it. Growing up in Singapore has taught me to be more tolerant but I cannot deny that I was greatly upset.

I was upset because they did not have a proper training timetable for English and Mandarin. If I had known that the training last night was going to be conducted in Mandarin, I would not have come. I did not want to put pressure on the trainer because I can see that he was trying to be fair. I sat and listened as if I understood. It was not that difficult to understand anyway. I speak little Mandarin and I hear lots of Mandarin since I was young, therefore Mandarin is not so alien to me.

The room was so cramp and we had to sit on stools. It occurred to me that they double up their store as a training room, which was inappropriate. The shop is small but the rent is so expensive. I supposed that is a common scenario in Singapore. Properties and cars are expensive here. I grasped some important information during the training even when it was held in Mandarin. I know what needs to be done now but I have to decide on where I really want to start. Is it here or there or there or here, you know that kind of stuffs Diary. There are so many factors I have to take into considerations. I supposed I know where to start but I am being skeptical of things unforeseen in the future. They can really stress me out sometimes. I was waiting for the training to be over just so I could head straight home and plan my strategies. I probably need to speak to Rolly Polly on some issues that were highlighted to me in the training.

As much as how I want this as badly as she does, I must also safeguard my interests. Let's be honest Diary. There is not a business anywhere that is without problems, they are bound to have problems before or after success. Business is complicated and imperfect. Every business everywhere is staffed with imperfect human beings and exists by providing a product or service to other imperfect human beings. Lots of experiences have taught me that things are good and easy when they are good and easy but when they are not, things can ugly and difficult. That is what I felt with Infinity about the business we once shared. Things were ugly after the break up, fingers pointing, bad mouthing, ill thoughts and they were all so demoralizing. With no more love left and no more respect given, the simplest task can be such a tall order to do. I hate that period in my life. It made me feel so broken and low. I do not want history to repeat. To take something from a person and keep it for oneself: that is robbery. To take something from one person and then turn it over to another in exchange for as much money as you can get: that is business.

Not that Rolly Polly and I have become a thing. No, it is not that Diary but I want the friendship we have to last and it is better to safeguard the interest of each one of us as the priority before we start on any mega project. We need each other to make the company thrive and I suppose we will have to work together for a long time and we have to make the environment we are working in as conducive as possible, come what may. In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later. She and I believe that.

After all these while, I realized that it does not matter how many times I have fail. It does not matter how many times I almost get it right. No one is going to know or care about my failures, and neither should I. All I have to do is learn from them and those around me because... All that matters in business is that I get it right once. Then everyone can tell me how lucky I am.

Silly Blunder After Five years...

Dear Diary,

As I am writing this, I feel so exhausted mentally and physically. I have had a long day yesterday and today was almost the same except that today is indoor more, than outdoor. I woke up yesterday at seven in the morning after letting my alarm went off for half an hour. I finally gave in and shut it up. The plan yesterday was to send my brother to work with mum and dad and afterwards, sent my dad to the hospital for his surgery. In case you did not know, dad had a minor surgery yesterday. His appointment was at half past twelve and mum thought that we could use the car. Since my brother was working, mum thought that we would send him to work first so we could have the car. So there I was up from the comfort of my bed early to start the day according, to plan when mum suggested that it was not necessary to use the car.

I easily agreed so we just took the train to the hospital. It is near to home and it was a direct line via the train. It was really no hassle to get there. Luckily, dad got a seat on the train while mum and I stood until we got there. It was no big deal actually but I was more concern for dad since he is not strong enough to stand for a long time. The journey to the hospital reminded me of the days when I was still in Singapore. I somewhat miss those days and I wonder how would I be if I had not made the move to Malaysia. I will probably still working for that Japanese boss of mine and still be his favourite employee and lead a team of typographic designers. Did I make a good choice Diary? I think so even if I am not prosperous as before but I am happy and that suffice everything.

We got there an hour early and that pleased every one of us. I supposed my parents and I practiced the proverb ‘it is better to be three hours too early than a minute too late’. Mother is the timekeeper in our family and she likes it when we are punctual for an appointment. We registered at the counter and waited for dad’s name to be called. I sat patiently and slipped into my imaginations of how I would feel if I were the one to undergo that operation. I have not been hospitalized, do you know that Diary? I have undergone a minor day surgery of my toe before and have broken my left wrist but both events did not require me to be admitted in the hospital. Thus, I really have no idea what it is like to spend a night in the hospital.

When dad’s name was called, a staff nurse attended to us explaining the time dad will be in the operating theatre and how long it will take and all those stuffs that we needed to know. I noticed of the sudden influx of foreign nurses in the hospitals. Mother has told me about this but I never paid much attention about it. Most of these foreign nurses come from Philippine and Burma. They speak good English and I supposed they are the educated lot and that is why they are nurses. Having the ability to speak good English is the pre requisite for foreigners to work in Singapore especially in the frontline service industry since English is the national language here.

When the nurse spoke to dad, she had to repeat twice of what she had said. I explained to her that dad is hard of hearing with a smile. Because I can tell that, she is quite a looker even if she had the facemask. Being in the hospital reminded me of the television drama ‘ER’. With all those sexy, good looking, doctors and nurses, you would not mind to be nursed by them when you are sick. The nurse was a local, I can tell from her accent. She smiled back at me and spoke to me from then on since she did not have to raise her voice while talking. I became my dad’s ear and whenever I needed an answer from dad on some medical questions the nurses asked, I bent over to dad and spoke close to his ear. Since I demonstrated how I talked to dad, all of them followed suit. Dad has been hard of hearing since many years ago. The hearing aid help but he does not like to wear them often and that creates difficulties to interact with him.

After dad has changed into the hospital’s operation robe, mum and I left him in his ward and went for lunch. The operation schedule was at half past twelve and took about two hours. Dad spent another two hours in the operation theatre after the operation. The nurse sent dad back to his bed in his ward at five. Imagine this Diary, mum and I spent the time waiting for him by window-shopping all day. I was so tired and I bet mum was too. We sat when we were tired and walked again whenever we were ready. It was a lucky thing that the hospital is near to two shopping centers so it was not that boring for us to wait until the operation was over. I was very tired from waiting and walking so I made it up by buying myself something. It is good to shop you know. Women and shopping seriously work together very well.

When we went back to dad’s ward, he was sitting on his bed. The nurse was attending to him but I can see that he was still drowsy from the drugs they gave him. I was grateful that I get to see him before I went home. I had this training to attend to in Khatib. It was at half past seven in the evening and I did not want to be late for it. You know how I take my appointments seriously don’t you Diary? If I were to go straight to the training center from the hospital, I would not have to leave early but I had to go home first and take my shower. I spent about ten minutes with dad in his ward and bid him goodbye. Mum stayed with him and my brother was on his way to the hospital. So at least I felt better leaving my parents since my brother will be accompanying them there.

I rushed to the train station to get home on time so I will have time to shower and change. The trainin center is near to home. It is in the same town but different neighbourhood. I knew that place. I used to hang out there after school last time. Many of my school friends lived there. But that was back then when I was in secondary three. I thought the feeder bus still the same but I was wrong. There I was, looking at the directory and I figured I jot it down right but again I was wrong.

After five years leaving hometown, so many things have changed and I was lost in my own hometown. I felt like a jerk and I hate it. I was supposed to know the route to every single feeder bus in my neighbourhood but I did not and that made me feel helpless. So I boarded the bus that I thought was the right one. The minute the bus came out from the bus interchange, I knew I had taken the wrong bus. I may have become lost with the street knowledge on how to get around my neighbourhood with the feeder buses but I still know my neighbourhood. I just thought to myself what a blunder I have made. I was supposed to reach the center at half past seven but I was stuck on the wrong bus. I spent a total of good twenty minutes on the bus feeling lousy. I did not panicked because I knew the bus would take me where I boarded it. That is what feeder bus does. They travel in a loop. Feeder bus only serves within a neighbourhood. It takes you closer to where you live from the bus interchange. When I was on the bus, there was a man sitting infront of me. I was already anxious with my situation at that time and I somewhat smelled something bad. It smelled like used shirt on a man. Or perhaps a man who just woke up and has not showered. I swop seat on my right and so did he so I swopped back to the seat on my right. as soon as the bus reached the interchange, I got down and called the center that I would not be coming since I was already late by half and hour. I felt so silly for a mistake like that. Shame on me Diary.

How Long Can I last....?

Dear Diary,

I sent a text message to Flying Babe yesterday afternoon but the delivery report did not show it is sent until at twelve midnight. I supposed she had a long flight to somewhere only she knows. Since we broke up, I do not know her schedule anymore. I still keep her schedule the first time she gave me. It is still in my wallet. I find it hard to throw it away. I guess it is probably because I still imagine or hope that someday she will be mine again. Is it crazy or silly of me? You do not have to say anything Diary. It is just for me to know. Your job is to listen without saying a word. I need to pour it out. It helps me heal actually, because the wound is healed but the scar remains. Well, at least love leaves beautiful ones when hate leaves ugly ones.

I had the same feelings waiting for the text message I sent her to deliver. While waiting, thoughts of her linger in my mind and words of prayers accompanied those thoughts. I miss her and I am still not over her I supposed. Perhaps I am over her but I still love her like how I have loved her. It has been a year now but well it is natural isn’t it? You can take a minute to like someone, a day to love someone but forever to forget someone. How can you forget the woman you once loved and still do?

Every now and then, it seems just yesterday that I have touched her face, held her hands and embraced her in my arms. I felt so lost in love everytime I did that. That was the feeling I got whenever I reached for her. No, she was not the perfect lover but she tamed me. I was not the hot-tempered person anymore when I was with her neither was I the simple girl in jeans. She made me feel so in love and I recall how I tried so hard to strive for success for her. Those were the days Diary when I was so madly deeply truly in love with her. Gone are the days now. Well, at least I still know my feelings for her are the same from the first time I laid my eyes on her.

My friends keep telling me that life must go on. Yes, everybody knows that but I am taking all the time I need to grieve in silence. Is it too much to ask? You tell me Diary. Let them laugh at me because I know they do not know what I have with this woman. It is something that only my heart can tell if it were to speak. No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he has experienced it. I am not troubling anybody with my grief because I grieve alone. At least I am still thoughtful when it comes to grieve. It is funny, that I can speak like this.

The time when my phone blink to show her message is delivered. My heart jumped in gratitude. At least I knew she was safe wherever she was. When I got her message, I took awhile before I opened it. I just stared at her name with her picture and I reminisced at the time when she was mine. It has been awhile since I saw her name with her picture on my phone. I did not care what she wrote, all I cared for at that time was to see with my own eyes that history is repeated regardless what my relationship with her is. I just stared at it blankly Diary. I was dreaming, as if I was the one with all the glory and victory on the planet earth. Diary…it was a tough moment when reality sunk in, things are not the same anymore. It took me awhile to compose myself.

Every so often, I wonder to myself if I should just be gone, do not write letters anymore to her or reply her text message, just be dead to her. Maybe that should work. Nevertheless, you know it is suicidal for me. I am not going crazy Diary; I am just still in love with her. I still dream of her. I cannot get her out of my mind. I know I have not spoken of her to you for quite sometime but my mind is with her all the time when I was writing to you. I did not speak of her because I wanted to try to erase her from my thoughts. I wanted to give you the message that I can forget her but I was defeated with my own inner battle. Do you see how difficult it is Diary?

Sometimes I feel like putting my best clothes on and just appeared at her door and take her to a far away place and tell her how much I miss her. I made a mistake for letting her go and I am paying the price for it. It is okay you know, because if this is what I deserve then I shall endure it even if it means the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

On occasion she sounds like she misses me in her messages and I froze. I just do not know what I want actually. I have to admit that I am afraid to go through it again. I am okay but I still have a soft spot for her. Do you get what I mean Diary? Am I contradicting myself? The thing is I am not sure if I am strong enough for all these love games anymore. That is what stopping me from winning her back. It does not matter if she still has the same feelings for me but I know I have to try to ask her. However, she is the sort of woman who is so good at hiding her own feelings. So how am I supposed to know?

When I told her that I will be in Singapore for a long time before coming back to Malaysia, she text me with a sad emoticons and asked me to give her my permanent address and told me to keep in touch. Moreover, when I asked her what was the story with the sad face? She just brushed me off but still reminded me to keep in touch with her. Geez…she is one difficult woman to understand. I wish I would have this magical power to know what she is really feeling even that means to have feelers on my head, I will not mind as long as it makes my job easier to understand one very reserved woman like her.

Honestly, I do not know how I will react if she has found a new love. I will probably go meditate in a cave or something and end up missing mysteriously but still remembering her and all those sweet little things she had done for me and said of me because even how it was short lived, we loved with a love that was more than love…

Money Is The Thing Now...

Dear Diary,

I woke up at six today but I went back to sleep and woke up at half past nine. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and started cleaning the house. I was expecting someone to come to the house to valuate it. You know we are selling the house don’t you Diary? We need to get the house valuate first before we can set the selling price. They will post the result to our agent in two weeks time. I am actually quite nervous to wait for the result. I wonder how much will it be worth this time. When I bought this house five years ago, the valuation was not that much since the property market was slow and discouraging at that time but still it was one quarter of a million then.

Diary, do you know that the process of selling this house has brought up some issues in my family especially with my dad. I happen to be the one that has to listen to him babbling about those issues. There he is day and night, trying to get his message through me. I listened like an obedient child, faithful and obliging to my parent. I have to admit Diary, it has taken its toll on me actually but I know I have to give an ear to my father. Who else is there to listen to him? It is not that big of an issue actually. All it needs is just a little patience, understanding and perhaps a little contentment and complacent too.

Since I came back here, I have prayed hard that everything would go smoothly. I hate issues you know Diary. I really hate them. I have plenty to think of and they are not helping me at all. They are merely unnecessary and distractions to me. I have had some talk with dad and I supposed I have put some sense into him. I am not sure Diary but he seems mellowed. Just do not start talking about the issue and he will be fine otherwise, he will start the drill on me all over again.

Diary, I have been thinking a lot lately. Once we have sold this house, I will not have anymore property in Singapore. The new house will solely be my brother’s and I have no share in it. Since that is the case, I have to make work everything that I have planned. I am giving myself three years from now. Well, so here I am Diary trying to bring fantasies to life, dreams come true and wishes fulfilled. It is not easy and nobody has ever told me it is easy but I know I will pull through with the support of my family, good friends, the extended family and everyone else who has shown me love in my journey. I have injected the spirit of optimism in myself because a pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. Not that I have this major difficulties I have to hurdle, times are just not on my side yet.

Sometimes I really wish I could be as easy as I can on life and not taking things too seriously. If I can live a simple life, I would but I cannot afford to do that. I supposed we all have dreams, visions and goals in life that we all want to achieve. Achieving those make us feel complete to some and maybe successful. In a world where we live now, everything is about money. The phrase money cannot buy happiness has long gone in my collections of proverbs. It does not apply in today’s modern world anymore. There are many cases of suicides that are motivated by lack of money. Yes, Diary they probably did not cut their coat according to the cloth they had. The fact that money plays a vital role in someone’s ease of mind today just cannot be denied. Sure, you control how you live but that is if you do not even try to keep up with the Joneses. The question now is, can you or can you not? It is subjective and debatable but all I am saying is, it all boils down on you and what is required out of you. What kind of life do you want to lead? Ask me Diary and I would say I want a cash rich life, earn big income passively from multiple sources and have a choice to retire early. *Winks* 

More Than Just What Meet The Eyes...

Dear Diary,

As my business relationship grows older with Rolly Polly, I get annoyed and irritated by her more. It is always about the same thing, politics, the differences of our countries and our attitudes. It makes me wonder if I really can work with her. Whenever I get annoyed with her, I imagine myself giving her a punch in the face so hard that would disfigure her. Imagine a watermelon hit with a baseball bat. Yes Diary, it is like that. Isn’t it good if I can do that to her face while she is talking, stating out her facts and defending her stand with her shoddy facts? I felt very repulsive and if I can only puke in her face that would really made my day. *Feeling Ally McBeal*

I have never felt this way towards anyone before (not even Minah Rempit after what she has done to me), but only with her. I sometimes feel that I am too much and need to practice high level of tolerance but I do not think that is the problem since she is the only one out of my hundred friends that I have difficulty tolerating. I am not perfect and neither she is however, I simply cannot accept the way she always tries to manipulate her facts for her defenses. I find that appalling and revolting. Perhaps that is just how things are going to be between she and I. Either I love her or I hate her. I will choose the latter if I may.

Just about today, we had an almost heated rap session on the differences of our country. There she was, defending with all her might, with every kilowatt of her kinetic energy, every drop of her blood, every inch of her flesh and every beat of her heart, counter attack my opinions, bombarding me with her facts, justification, beliefs and defenses. And there and then, I realized that we were going to have another session of verbal fights if I were to counter attack her, so I remained quiet. I did not want to worsen things and I did not want to add fuel to an already existing blaze that would turn into inferno.

I used to remember how she had said that another country is far better and advanced than the country I came from when I commented on the inefficiencies of the facilities of the apartment I live in. Perhaps I sounded harsh in delivering my comment but she counter attacked that with a baseless fact. How could she know when at that time, she has not even been to my country as a tourist neither as a student nor as anybody? We have to know our facts or experience the facts before making a point; otherwise, we would just make a mockery out of ourselves.

And today, again when I said a piece of my mind she got offended I assumed and told me that from where I came from it is not far more better anyway. She said it with confidence because she thinks since she has been there for a merely four days three nights stay therefore she has seen everything she needs to know to combat any of my bad remarks. That just turned me off. It is like watching four minutes of a movie that runs 169 minutes and you think you have seen enough to review it. If I had not been driving at that time, I would have rolled on the floor laughing frantically at her. How unbelievable can a person be? Then, she went on and on about her perspectives and viewpoints and I felt like shoveling a gigantic cucumber up into her mouth and down her throat to shut her up.

You know Diary I am beginning to feel like Ally McBeal now. Whenever she and I chat on something and when it gets tense, I often would imagine doing all the unthinkable naughty and nasty stuffs to her while, I pretended to pay attention to her. It is a form of tense releasing habit that I have practice ever since I know our routine. We chat first then we fight so I have started to come up with an effective method to soothe my temper against her and it works.

Rolly Polly has missed the whole point. I have lived here for five years now. I know how the systems work. I have studied, I have worked, I have lived in three different cities here, I have homes in two states here and I have lived in five different houses. I have relatives all over. I have been a very regular visitor here since I was still in my mother’s womb. I have travelled in almost all the public transport. I have crossed the borders more than a thousand times (the stamps in my passports will show that). I have been to all the states and almost all the cities here. I am a victim of robbery and snatch theft here. I have driven on the roads here; I have been to the markets and to the fanciest fine dining restaurants here. I have had a business and I have a company registered here. I have lived in a school hostel. I have had experience feeling what it is like to be stuck in traffic jam in this country’s capital during peak hours. I have had accidents with my car here. I have been to the public and private hospitals visiting sick acquaintances. I have seen the conditions of the public and private hospitals. What else is there for me to tell Diary?

Nobody is perfect and that applies to anything too but that does not mean we can allow ourselves to err. Size does not matter if we know how to manage. The news has become the public channel to make their voices heard. I have lived like one of the locals here and I know what I see and hear because I experience them myself. Why do the locals have to resort to the news to make heard their complains to the authorities? Why is there murder case almost every day? Why do people need to steal copper cable or metals? Why are there so many unfinished and abandoned construction projects? Why did they have to resort to violence to protest over some sensitive issues? Why do people have to become so emotional? Why does it take so long to get our complaints heard? Why do the taxis here do not charge passengers by the meter? Why do stricter actions taken after accidents? Why are bills passed today but only to be change the next? Is it too much to ask for a more proactive attitude towards the welfare of the societies regardless of their status? Do you want more, Diary?

It is not just about having sent a man to the moon or winning many gold medals in the SEA Games or has the tallest building in the world; it is much more than that. I always believe in voicing out the truths and nothing but the truths and it is of utmost importance that I do so from something that I have personally experienced and not as a passing tourist whose visit is too short to even meet the criteria as a reviewer.

There are so many issues that must be taken into consideration such as the public transport system, illegal immigrants, deciding on the medium of instructions in school, implementing laws and enforcing them. The basic facilities of the society on the whole, corruptions, crime rates, customer service, trustworthiness of the authorities, wage differentials, the role of trade unions, government policies and systems of work, basic economy problems, illegal labour problems, excessive road congestions. Also the benefits of public servants, infrastructure and loads more.

It is not easy but if the society tops the priority list of the authorities, no matter how long it takes, how difficult it is, achieving them is not impossible.