Go FaikaNur!!

Dear Diary,

I had nasi beriani kambing for dinner last night courtesy of mum. The rice was a bit soggy but any other matters beside that were perfect. I helped mum clear the table to serve the food and ate dinner together with the rest of the family. It is not that I have a big family you know but I suppose the traditions and customs exist in all families. We eat dinner together regardless the size of our family.

As I scooped some rice onto the plates, I somehow thought of my late brother. I recalled how mum used to cook big portions of every dish whenever she cooked because he was such a big eater. My brothers and dad are all big eaters and everytime we served dinner, there was always plenty to eat. The motto last time was better had abundant portions of food served than little. Things have changed so much in our family. I do not know why I am feeling like this nowadays. The longer I have been here the more I see the changes in my family. I supposed I did not spend much time with them after my late brother died. I left too soon for Malaysia after he was gone. I grieved for him alone, all by myself. That was when my heart of stone turned into jelly, so soft that you can smash it with your fist.

Dad had a second serving as usual and I watched him eat. I smiled a little in my heart. Dad has always been a big eater since I was young. He practically eats everything and he likes it especially when mum cooks many dishes during special occasions. I would be mum’s kitchen helper when she cooks. I supposed that is where I picked up my cooking skills and that is how I grew to love cooking instead of baking.

Do you remember Pumpkin Diary? She is going to Sabah this April and she emailed me to borrow my waterproof camera. I supposed she thought that I have one when I do not. I remembered how I told her I wanted to get one and I almost got it until I changed my mind at the last minute. I just did not see much use of it for me. I do not go scuba diving neither do I always go snorkeling so the idea of having a waterproof underwater camera proof unnecessary for me. Furthermore, the price is as good as a DSLR camera. I might as well get a DSLR camera like that. Am I not right Diary? But then again, if I have lost of cash to spare, I would not mind considering both cameras. You know how I am with gadgets don’t you?

The email about the camera leads to further exchange of emails with wonderful stories of lives. That is the thing with Pumpkin and I. Our friendship survives on long distance communications. We have been friends for close to six years if I am not mistaken. She is like the kind of friend that I would go to for suggestions and advice. She listens to me and never fails to put herself in my shoes when listening to my predicaments. That is what made Pumpkin so special to me. The funny part of our friendship is, we do not really hang out even if she lives about two kilometers away from my house in Subang Jaya. However, when we are far, we started communicating. Get what I mean, Diary? I have a couple of friends who are like that. I call them my friends for theraphy. We email a lot and that is how we become closer because I believe when we write, we write about what we truly feel. There is no need to hide your feelings. There is no need to put up a false front. The more we write, the more we become closer at heart. I supposed my friends for theraphy know me even better and well than the friends, I physically meet.

Oh Diary, a few of them asked me about what is going on with my life lately. You know about the story don’t you? I am actually sick of it already. It is not about revenge or holding grudges, it is a matter of principles. In short, it means if I allow people to think of herself first before committing to a business proposal, then the same privilege must be given to me too to think about myself first before I want to commit. All I said to her was I needed time to think about it. I needed time to discuss it with my mother and probably seek her motherly advice and opinions. Since the burden will be heavier on me, of course I will want to be sure of everything first before I give my full commitments.

I said the burden is heavier on me because, apart from financial issues, there is also immigration issues that I have to take into considerations. She jolly well knows of my situations. All she had to do was wait until I make my decisions but nope, she did not. Instead, she posted something like that on her facebook as though I have done nothing. Obviously, she meant the post for me. Even if it was not meant for me, it meant for the situations and I am in that situations. I am not a kid. We are adults and we can read between the lines. Do not insult my intelligence. And I really wonder what can she offer me if I did not agree? Can she offer me to quit her job or can we swop places? Obviously not! So why post message like that as if you are a saviour to the situations? That is the thing Diary. It is so easy to say because words are cheap but it is not so easy to do.

I always believe that things happen for reasons and right now, I am keeping my options open and I can see clearly now of all the possibilities standing infront of me. When one door shuts, another always opens. I will have to bring back some of my belongings to Singapore. I will still keep the house and the car nevertheless. I have arranged with Pumpkin for some help with the car. She actually offered to buy my car but I am still passionately in love with it. I have so many plans for the car. Besides, it is not that I am totally not coming back to Subang, I will of course. It is just that I will spend more time in Singapore than Malaysia. Oh Diary, this is sad but I am looking at the brighter sides of life and I know there is always a silver lining behind every dark clouds.

Go FaikaNur! *Grins*