I Accept My Fate...

Dear Diary,

Last night, Big brother came to talk to me about the house. The valuation is out and we are ready to sell the house at a price all of us agreed. We will have an open house this Sunday for viewers to view the house from 3pm to 6pm. We have hired an agent from ERA and give him exclusivity to sell the house. I hope we can sell this house without much of a hassle and buy a new house without much trouble.

We have not decided what house to buy and I supposed that is why my big brother came to talk to me. He wanted to know of my future plans so he could decide on the new house soon. I really don’t know what to tell him of my plans. I do not even know if I have a plan anymore. Even if there is a plan, all that is left of the plan is an empty hope. Things do not look too great and good for me to carry out plan A. I am certain that I have to live on plan B now. I supposed I have pushed the button and there is no point turning back.

Big brother told me that he might leave Singapore in four years time to work in the United States or United Kingdom. Therefore, he does not wish to have any mortgage to service when the time comes for him to leave. That means he has to buy a smaller house and pay for the house in one lump sum. This is the plan if I decide not to come back to Singapore to live. I told him that I will not live in Singapore. However, just about tonight I have noticed some irregularities on my social networking page. It appears to me that Rolly Polly has decided to take me off from her list of friends. Not only that, a friend of hers has also took me off from hers as well. For a minute, I asked myself, now what did I ever do to her friend? After awhile, I began to realized that this is probably a matter of ‘you fuck with my friend and you fuck with me’. I let it be. We all have rights and we all have preferences.

I knew I had this coming even before I posted my entry last night. I had prepared myself for this and I know it is time for me to face the music. If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. Honestly, I was not surprised. When emotions are at stake, you must expect the outrageous. It is not easy to accept especially when it really hit you right at the heart.

Truth always hurts. Nobody can deny that. It does not matter who is hurt now. It is done already. Do you see what the technology can do to people nowadays, Diary? It is not about ‘be careful with what you wish for’ but it is more like, ‘be careful with what you post online’ kind of thing now. It does not matter who started it or how it began. Both of us are not meant to work together anyways. If this is how it will end, then this is how it will end. A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.

Diary, when my big brother told me he is leaving. I felt my heart sinks a little. I paused for about two minutes pretending to watch the TV when all I had in mind is I am going to lose another brother soon. I composed myself and thought of my parents. How would they react if they were to know? I did not ask my brother if he has broke the news to them. I was actually speechless. So many things were running through my mind. Is it Malaysia or Singapore? If it is in Malaysia what would I do for a living? If it is in Singapore then I have to tell my family fast before we decide what house to buy. Is he really leaving? What about my parents and me? Is he going to be safe there? How long is he going to be there?

I was so lost with my thoughts. Deep down inside my heart, I do not want anymore goodbyes in my family. I have had enough of it. I have lost two brothers and I cannot afford to lose another even if it takes another four years to come. Somehow, I hate him for having thoughts like that. I cannot comprehend why does he want to leave. I started to imagine celebrating Hari Raya with just mother and father. I also imagine how our family photo will have less family members in it. I let my imagination drifted a bit and unconsciously I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

Mum spoke to me tonight and she asked me again about my plans. I looked at her and told her the truth. I asked her where does she want me to be. Being the typical her she answered, she wants me to be wherever I want to be to pursue my dreams. I was holding back my tears when she said that. How could she said that when she has lost two sons and about to lose another? I knew she answered that as a mother who just wants happiness for her child. It does not matter if she has to miss me or have me not living under the same roof as her. That is how mother is; never selfish with her children. How I admire the character of this woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and nine days. She is almost sixty years old but never once thought only of herself. I wanted to hold her hands so tight at that moment but somehow being the typical me, I held back.

Mum then broke the news about big brother leaving. So she already knew. I tried to look for any sign of sadness in her face but I could not find any. Mum is just like Flying Babe, very good in hiding their true emotions. As a woman, I somewhat know how mum feels. I made a silent promise to myself that I will be there for her and dad, no matter what. If I have to come back, then I will.

I began to realize that things do happen for reasons. If I have no means to live in Malaysia, then I shall live in Singapore. If one or two friends left me, I still have my family and a few other good friends, if I have no ‘rezeki’ in Malaysia, then I shall look for it elsewhere and if I can bring my dreams to live in Malaysia came true five years ago, I can surely repeat that again in time to come. Mum and dad, I am coming home for good now.