I sent a text message to Flying Babe yesterday afternoon but the delivery report did not show it is sent until at twelve midnight. I supposed she had a long flight to somewhere only she knows. Since we broke up, I do not know her schedule anymore. I still keep her schedule the first time she gave me. It is still in my wallet. I find it hard to throw it away. I guess it is probably because I still imagine or hope that someday she will be mine again. Is it crazy or silly of me? You do not have to say anything Diary. It is just for me to know. Your job is to listen without saying a word. I need to pour it out. It helps me heal actually, because the wound is healed but the scar remains. Well, at least love leaves beautiful ones when hate leaves ugly ones.
I had the same feelings waiting for the text message I sent her to deliver. While waiting, thoughts of her linger in my mind and words of prayers accompanied those thoughts. I miss her and I am still not over her I supposed. Perhaps I am over her but I still love her like how I have loved her. It has been a year now but well it is natural isn’t it? You can take a minute to like someone, a day to love someone but forever to forget someone. How can you forget the woman you once loved and still do?
Every now and then, it seems just yesterday that I have touched her face, held her hands and embraced her in my arms. I felt so lost in love everytime I did that. That was the feeling I got whenever I reached for her. No, she was not the perfect lover but she tamed me. I was not the hot-tempered person anymore when I was with her neither was I the simple girl in jeans. She made me feel so in love and I recall how I tried so hard to strive for success for her. Those were the days Diary when I was so madly deeply truly in love with her. Gone are the days now. Well, at least I still know my feelings for her are the same from the first time I laid my eyes on her.
My friends keep telling me that life must go on. Yes, everybody knows that but I am taking all the time I need to grieve in silence. Is it too much to ask? You tell me Diary. Let them laugh at me because I know they do not know what I have with this woman. It is something that only my heart can tell if it were to speak. No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he has experienced it. I am not troubling anybody with my grief because I grieve alone. At least I am still thoughtful when it comes to grieve. It is funny, that I can speak like this.
The time when my phone blink to show her message is delivered. My heart jumped in gratitude. At least I knew she was safe wherever she was. When I got her message, I took awhile before I opened it. I just stared at her name with her picture and I reminisced at the time when she was mine. It has been awhile since I saw her name with her picture on my phone. I did not care what she wrote, all I cared for at that time was to see with my own eyes that history is repeated regardless what my relationship with her is. I just stared at it blankly Diary. I was dreaming, as if I was the one with all the glory and victory on the planet earth. Diary…it was a tough moment when reality sunk in, things are not the same anymore. It took me awhile to compose myself.
Every so often, I wonder to myself if I should just be gone, do not write letters anymore to her or reply her text message, just be dead to her. Maybe that should work. Nevertheless, you know it is suicidal for me. I am not going crazy Diary; I am just still in love with her. I still dream of her. I cannot get her out of my mind. I know I have not spoken of her to you for quite sometime but my mind is with her all the time when I was writing to you. I did not speak of her because I wanted to try to erase her from my thoughts. I wanted to give you the message that I can forget her but I was defeated with my own inner battle. Do you see how difficult it is Diary?
Sometimes I feel like putting my best clothes on and just appeared at her door and take her to a far away place and tell her how much I miss her. I made a mistake for letting her go and I am paying the price for it. It is okay you know, because if this is what I deserve then I shall endure it even if it means the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
On occasion she sounds like she misses me in her messages and I froze. I just do not know what I want actually. I have to admit that I am afraid to go through it again. I am okay but I still have a soft spot for her. Do you get what I mean Diary? Am I contradicting myself? The thing is I am not sure if I am strong enough for all these love games anymore. That is what stopping me from winning her back. It does not matter if she still has the same feelings for me but I know I have to try to ask her. However, she is the sort of woman who is so good at hiding her own feelings. So how am I supposed to know?
When I told her that I will be in Singapore for a long time before coming back to Malaysia, she text me with a sad emoticons and asked me to give her my permanent address and told me to keep in touch. Moreover, when I asked her what was the story with the sad face? She just brushed me off but still reminded me to keep in touch with her. Geez…she is one difficult woman to understand. I wish I would have this magical power to know what she is really feeling even that means to have feelers on my head, I will not mind as long as it makes my job easier to understand one very reserved woman like her.
Honestly, I do not know how I will react if she has found a new love. I will probably go meditate in a cave or something and end up missing mysteriously but still remembering her and all those sweet little things she had done for me and said of me because even how it was short lived, we loved with a love that was more than love…
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