Let There Be Love For Everybody...

Dear Diary,

I was at a food court at my neighbourhood shopping centre when I saw a family that caught my attention. There was nothing unusual or special about this family, however I simply felt for them the first time I laid my eyes on them. The family was incomplete. I didn't see the man in the family. To my opinion, he was probably working because it was on a weekday. I saw the mother, daughter and a son who is probably in his early twenties. The son is on a wheelchair and that's what caught my attention. It is not that I have not seen people on wheelchair but in this particular situation, I just have to take notice of it.

The son had to be spoonfed although he could move his hands. Looking at the size of his legs, I assumed that he has been wheelchair bound for long. You know how the legs can grow small in size when they are not put to use don't you Diary? I remember when I broke my arm, I had it casted for two months. When I had the cast removed, my hand was small, tiny, weak and not to mention stinky. You know Diary, when I looked at the son, I couldn't help myself from wondering and asking. Why is he on wheelchair. What happened to him? Will he have a chance to walk again? I couldn't stop asking and it made me feel very contented with what I have.

Often, when we are in some kind of trouble we would ask why did it happen to us. We would think how unfair life is and most of the times we started to self-pity. I may not know this young man on the wheelchair but I did not see any regrets on his face. Perhaps he has grown so used to his conditions but then again, I am not sure if I could display that kind of confidence if I were to be in his shoes. I am sure he is younger than I am and I am sure his condition did not come in-born with him. Something might have happened to him in his life journey. Whatever happened to him, I am pretty sure is a great test for him. I wish him well and may he be blessed with all the love around him.

Diary, Flying Babe has got my letter and she sent me a very short text message. It simply contained "...someday..." in it. I do not really get what she meant but I knew I dedicate the song to her. I said that in the letter and I figure she probably meant that someday I will achieve my goals or what? I am trying hard not to sound over confident or perhaps as some people like to say "perasan" but...oh Diary...I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by saying it here. Never mind. I am just so afraid you know. At some point of my life, I want to have her back into my life but I am also afraid that I might lose her again. I am not easy to please and I get sensitive easily especially with someone I love very much. I think the problem lies with me. I am just so vulnerable in love. Perhaps I must bear in mind that the past is behind us, love is in front and all around us.

I got to go now Diary. I am having lots of distractions now. I will write again ok.

How Much Longer Do I have To Wait...?

Dear Diary,

My cough has gotten so bad till I vomitted while coughing yesterday. I was going to take my shower, I coughed a little and then I brushed my teeth. After I brushed my teeth I coughed even more and I had this sudden feel to want to vomit and I did. It was terrible. My sleep has always been interrupted. I coughed so hard at night that Hang Jebat and Hang Tuah came in to my room just to check what that sound was all about. I am actually a little embarrassed with them. You should have seen the looks on their faces when they saw me cough. I would say they had looks of concern or rather looks of astonishment of the sound coming from me. Their eyes wide open and they looked at me as if I was some kind of an alien. Perhaps they should have mirrored themselves first.

How do you do Diary? I drank more than 1.5 liters of lukewarm water yesterday and ate more than a dozen Wood's peppermint cough lozenges. I am feeling a little better today. I called the recruitment agency just now to enquire about the temporary job for the Youth Olympic Games. I need to know when do I start work because I might have to drive my parents to Tangkak this weekend. I hope I will only start next Monday so that gives me time to go to Subang to pay my bills and car loans and also drive my parents to Tangkak. I suppose the schedule is not out yet. They said they will call me back and so I suppose I just have to wait.

Diary, have I told you that mum failed her Traffic Police driving test? Oh, I haven't. Well, she failed and she will be retaking the test in May. The first time she took it, I didn't really think that she would pass you know. But I hope she would pass the test soon. She really needs to because I will be busy with work and I do not really think I am able to drive them around that much. House viewing is usually held over the weekends. I will be working from Monday to Friday for the YOG during the day, and I will be doing my prospecting in the evening on weekdays. If I am really aggressive with my prospecting, I might be engaged during weekends for house viewing or I might just do project marketing for private houses. I will only have more time for them when the YOG projects end in September this year. I have a strong feeling that mum would get her license by then. I strongly hope so.

Diary, I have thought of keeping Hanny in Singapore but I can't. According to the land Transport Authority of Singapore (LTA), Singapore citizens, permanent residents (regardless of their place of residence), student pass holders, long term social visit pass holder and residents of Singapore are NOT allowed to use or keep any foreign-registered vehicles in Singapore. Therefore, it looks like Hanny has to remain in Malaysia. I will probably think of something for her. I might rent her perhaps. I don't know yet Diary. Everything seems to be all over the place right now. The recruitment agency just called me back and told me that the start date would be delayed to the 19th of April or 3rd of May. I can wait until 19th of April but I definitely cannot wait until 3rd of May. I am at a loss now. I am not panicking but I am thinking of other alternatives to solve this. Geezz...this is so terrible. I have waited for one whole month for the YOG and now I have to wait for another half to a month's time before I am able to start work.

This is the thing about working for a non-permanent project especially ad-hocs like this. There are so many parties that you have to deal with. It is a good thing that I signed up for the in-house course at the real estate agency. It is also a good thing that I did not wait to get started on it. Oh Diary, I hope I can just pull through. If I hadn't had commitments and if I hadn't had plans, I really do not mind the delay to start work. I have to pay Paranoid half of the house deposit since she is ending her tenancy by end of April and I have to renew Hanny's road tax and insurance and so many more bills. Oh talking about the house, Manhattan is not living with me afterall. Her office will not be near to Subang and so she has no choice but to find another house. I have to plan ahead of time so that I could get the keys back from Paranoid. I do not think I want to let her have the keys so she could crash at my place for a night or two whenever she comes to KL for interviews. I just want to keep the house to myself.

Diary, I am praying hard for a smooth journey ahead. I am feeling a little demotivated right now. I am not giving up but I wish I can just, you know...share my stories with somebody real. At this point of time, I recall how I felt secure when I was with her but I know good things always have to come to an end. She is probably happy now with her own life. What can I say Diary, I loved her once in my life, regardless what happened between us, the love we had leave beautiful scars in my heart. I have friends who I can share with but I am very careful with whom I want to tell. I know not everybody can be a good listener and not everybody appreciates true miserable life stories. People get easily misunderstood Diary. It is how the world works nowadays. You say one thing and people think it means another. I get sick of those things already. They make me so repulsive. I think I am better off being alone.

Diary, I am going for two talks tomorrow. The first one starts at 11 in the morning and ends at 1 in the afternoon. The second one starts at 7 in the evening and ends at 9.30 at night. In between those talks, I have to go to the recruitment agency to take some photos for the YOG badge. I will be out the whole day Diary. I will bring my netbook so I can write to you while I am outside ok. I love you Diary. Don't give up on me ok...? Until the next entry, you take care...

Living My Childhood Dreams...

Dear Diary,

I spent half the night coughing my lungs out. I couldn't have a sound sleep. I woke up almost every hour coughing for about two minutes. It was torturing. I bought peppermint cough syrup and some fisherman's friend lozenges. I haven't been to the doctor. I still do not think it is necessary. My fever seems to be coming back. I really hope that I will be well before I start work at YOG.

How are you Diary? I hope you are in the pink of health. Everybody seems to be sick. I hope you are not because I want you to read my stories and I want to tell you more about my life. I have no children and no girlfriend that I can pass down my life stories to. But I do have you and I do not want you to get sick on me. I do not know what would I do without you in my life. You have been around for the past five years. I still remember how I started to write to you after my brother died. You know Diary, everytime I have this sadness or happiness in my life, you will always be the one that comes up to my mind. I always have this eagerness inside me to write to you telling you how I would feel about it all. You read and you never judge me, that is why I have so much respect for you. People may say that I am silly you know but then again, what do they know. It is a good thing that I am not easily affected by others. I suppose that is how we have our own stand.

My headache is gone you know. I do not have that pounding headache anymore. I have always noticed that it only attacks me when I am in Subang. I guess it is the cigarettes that cause the headache. Would you believe me if I have not been smoking for three months? I do not even crave for a stick. It does not surprise me anyway. I have done this a couple of times. That is the reason why I never claimed I have quit. I stopped and I picked it up again. But I can see that it is most likely that I will stop for a long time. Cigarettes are expensive here and being in Singapore living under one roof with my family, smoking is a NO-NO. My body is probably happy with me. With no nicotine in my body, I suppose I am leading a healthy lifestyle.

I miss my life in Subang. Many of the other agents have asked me what was I doing in Malaysia when there are many Malaysians who are working and living in Singapore. I can understand their curiosity because Singapore has stronger currency than Malaysia and many Malaysians works here taking advantage of the exchange rate. Well, what can I say Diary. I have wanted to live in Malaysia since I was eighteen years old. I only got to achieve my dream ten years later.

After living there for almost five years, I had to come back to Singapore. I have learnt so much while I was there. I have gone through so many things. They taught me things I never learnt in schools. I have to admit that I began to respect the government of my country more when I was away. It is natural to feel that way isn't it Diary? Absence make the heart grows fonder. I began to understand the government's policies and why there are so many rules and laws that we just have to abide. Mostly, it has to do with the economy and social issues of the country on why certain policies are drafted and implemented. Nevertheless, my heart still wants to be in Malaysia, I can feel it Diary. But to the interest of my own economy, I have to be in Singapore. I have plans to make a comeback but only when I am cash rich and I know I will be.

My family especially my parents have so much hope for me. I suppose they know my capabilities. I can only focus myself on work and business. I can never focus myself on studies. I get sidetrack easily. Not that I got deviated from studies into drugs or crime, but I always got deviated into work or business. I have this dream to be a businesswoman since I was five years old. I recall how my aunts asked me what do I want to be when I grow up, and I answered them that I wanted to be a 'boss' with so much confidence.

I always laugh at that memory. Reminiscing at that memory makes me happy as I am who still love something I loved in the nursery. I have not been broken in two by time; I am not two women, but one, and I have saved not only my soul but my life. I bring to mind on how I used to play as a peddler selling food. I cut small pieces of paper and turned them into money. I had all this imaginary customers when I was playing. Whatever imaginations I had when I was a kid, no matter what my brothers and I were playing, one thing remained the same throughout, I was always the boss. You know how kids can be so innocent and believing. So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us. I suppose I am still that kid Diary. And maybe someday somehow, I will figure all it out.

Nobody Said It Was Going To Be Easy...

Dear Diary,

I went for the roadshow and I did my best. Now I understand what real estate roadshow is all about. It is actually another way of marketing yourself, the service you offer or the products you have. It all come in a package. I think I am going to like it. Before the roadshow we have to prepare lots of brochures, phamplets and your own name cards. Staple the brochures, phamplets and your name card together and stand in the crowd and distribute them to anybody who passes by your booth. You do not need to do lots of explanations. All you need to do is to let people know of the service you can offer them. It does not matter if people take and throw your brochures. You just have to keep going because a salesperson always have to go with the principles of law of averages. Out of a hundred, one will always buy or perhaps out of fifty, one will sell.
.

I got three enquiries from the roadshow. Two are interested to rent while one is interested to buy. I have started my search on properties for them but I am not hoping that I will close the deals with them. You know Diary, the job scope seems easy but it is not that easy. Firstly, when you have a client but you do not have the property, surely you have to do co-broke with another agent who has the property but does not have the client. Or, you can search for a property advertised on all the medias by the owners. In that way, you do not have to co-broke with another agent. You will do direct dealings with owners. However, most of the times, other agents have already got their hands on these owners so that leaves you no choice but to work with other agents. In my case, I have the tenants but I do not have the properties, and when I have found a property with agent who are willing to co-broke with me, my tenants already found a house that suits their budgets and needs. So that is how it goes Diary, being an agent, I can see that I have to work very fast and how important it is to have properties that you can call your listings in your pockets readily.

Co-broking has been a practice among agents. Almost every agent understands this and they dicuss among themselves first on dividing the commissions before proceeding with the transaction. This morning I almost secured a rental deal when my manager advised me not to proceed with it. The thing is, I do not have the property neither do I have the tenants. The tenants are clients to agent 'A' while the property is the list of agent 'B'. Agent 'A' seeks my help in finding property for him and I managed to do so with agent's 'B' listing. Therefore, in simple layman's term, I am the middle man. You see Diary, if I had not taken the law into consideration, I would have continued with the process but I want to make real estate my career and so I back out. It is not that it is illegal but I am just playing safe.

Renting procedures in Singapore is not easy especially concerning HDB flats. Usually, many tenants who are looking for a house to rent are foreigners. Currently, we have so many Malaysians, Burmese, Philipinos and Chinese nationals. Agents have to do a check on the validity of their passports, work permits or student pass whichever is applicable to them. Since I am the middleman, I am not required to do so. However, both the other agents have to do these checks meaning, agent 'B' has to check the ownership of the house to rent and if it has gotten the approval from HDB to rent it out and agent 'A' has to check the validity of his clients immigration papers. Many agents know their responsibilities however, we still do have some unethical agents in the market. That is the reason why having to pass the CEA examination before practising as an agent is compulsory here. The government is taking steps to make real estate a professional and respectable profession.

I am trying the rental market for now Diary. It gives me the training I need. As days go by, I have gotten a number of enquiries and I have made many calls and also enquiries. Some agents are friendly while some are unfriendly. Regardless of that, I have learnt along the way. It is fun to me. I have drafted out my career path and the things I have to do. I need to make my name tag, name cards, start work with YOG, go for my CEA course, sit for exam, pass the exam, subscribe to infotools and market myself. Alright...that sounds easy doesn't it? ha ha ha...

There are so many ways you can use to market yourself. It is of course easier when you have money. You can use the power of the media to advertise yourself like most senior agents do. My manager is teaching me the simplest way to market myself without costing me a lot. He probably knows what is best for me because I seem to agree with him whenever he suggests marketing strategies to me. Start small, simple and humble and when I have generate income from it, I can take one step further.

Oh Diary, I miss my friends but I just have to hold on for now. I am starting things all over again. I have to wait. My cough is getting worse and my fever is back. Wish me a speedy recovery ok? I love you Diary. Take care.

A Little Progress...

Dear Diary,

Today at 6pm, I will have to go for a road show that my division has planned. This will be the first time I am attending a road show organised by my division. I am sure I cannot do much because I haven't even done my name cards yet and I have to be stingy with my voice. My throat is sore and I am coughing. I have eaten more than a dozens of lozenges. It is very annoying and I really cannot stand it. I had to control my cough last night when I was attending the training. Have you done that Diary? Have you tried to control your cough in front of 45 people? Believe me, it is hell with a capital H.

Mum seems worried about my health and she insisted I go to the clinic with her. Well, being the stubborn me I just refused. I hate the doctors, clinics, nurses and anything and everything that associate with them. I have this 'thing' with them that I cannot explain. I turned down mum's request. I supposed she is just worried. Naturally being a mother, that is what she must do. And I supposed after she has lost a son to cancer, she just wanted to be safe than sorry. I understood her but I really think it is unnecessary for me to see the doctor. I know what happened to me. Imagine this Diary, after 4 years of easy living in Subang Jaya, how can I not expect to be down with fever after having to go back to work? My body has been so pampered. I slept whenever I wanted and woke up as and when my eyes opened when I was there. I went to the stall as and when I liked just to collect the daily sales money. I spent without having to worry of running out of cash because I know there will always be money for me everyday. Let me tell you Diary, I deserve nothing but this. Serves me right. I guess it is about time that I learnt things the hard way. 

I went to the market yesterday with mum. Mum wanted to buy groceries and she bought some fish as well. We came across fish roe. My thoughts were with Flying Babe when I saw the fish roe. I remembered how she told me she likes it very much. The fishmonger offered mum the fish roe, but mum refused to buy saying it is difficult to fry as the oil will pop. The fishmonger assured mum that the oil will not pop as the fish roe is of a good kind. I was hoping mum would buy it. Personally, I have eaten fish roe but it is not something I will look for because it has never cross my mind as a dish. But yesterday, to my surprise, I kinda persuade mum to buy. It reminds me of Flying Babe and probably because I wanted to feel how she would feel having the fish roe as her favourite dish. It's just more of a matter of 'feeling' it rather than eating it you know what I mean Diary? It is crazy to think about it.

Oh yes Diary, I have to tell you this. I have signed up for the Certified Estate Agent (CEA) course. I received an email from my agency and they will be conducting the CEA courses during the day and evening. I opted for the evening classes. I signed up for the May intake and I know I will be working for the Youth Olympic games by then. Well, can you see that I am progressing Diary? Like I said yesterday, slowly but surely ya? hahaha...It is good that I am taking it at my agency as the course and examination fee is SGD450. It is SGD200 cheaper than signing the course at the Institute of Estate Agents. I supposed the next thing for me to do now is to have my name cards and name tag done and then subscribe to the infotools systems. At this point of time, I am trying my level best to attend all trainings as possible. I know I really have not launched my career properly but I am doing the necessary first.

Diary, I want to share with you something. There is an agent in my division who made SGD100k in commission in the same month before. He did not do private properties but instead he did it with HDB Flats. My God Diary, I cannot imagine how and when did he sleep during that particular entire month. He showed us his transactions and pay slips to convince us. I believed him but I also believe that this kind of thing does not happen every month and does not happen to everybody. Only the hardworking ones who work like he has no other commitments in life can achieve such success. I wouldn't mind to work like that to acheieve my target for that month but I would mind to work like that every month because I know I still have my family to spend time with. I will not slave myself and ignore my parents for the sake of money because I know I can make money everyday but I cannot have my parents everyday for as long as I live. But it is good to hear inspiratioal stories like that. At least now you know in real estate, you can really have unlimited income ceiling.

Oh well Diary, this is what we say 'rezeki'. It all depends on your true intentions. No matter what you do for a living, if you have an utmost sincere intentions, you will do good, no matter what. The only difference is, how do you feel about it all. As for me, I merely want to make a better living for them, her and myself. Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, pray to Him and practice modesty.

Catch you tomorrow Diary. Take care.

Turn Everything Into Positive Energy

Dear Diary,

I am down with fever, sore throat and running nose since yesterday. My body feels so weak, my eyes feel so heaty and my throat feels like it s on fire. I still have to attend some training tonight Diary. I will take my medicine first before I leave home. How are you Diary? I just wrote a letter to Flying Babe and I will have to post it today because it will take sometime to reach her. I am going to write her another letter today.

Oh yes Diary, we went to a work site yesterday during training. We went to Holland Road to see a cluster house that the agency is marketing. Diary, I never realised that there are people who are willing to pay that much for a house here. Do you know how much it cost? It is SGD5.5 million for sale and SGD15-16 thousands for rent. Can you imagine the commissions you could have made if you manage to make one sale or rental transaction? Geezz...Diary, it is no surprise that the senior sales agents in the agency are driving big expensive cars and live in private properties. I can see what holds for me in the future if I take real estate seriously but I must not forget the key words about it all; Hard Work.

The house is 4 storey high individually equipped with a personal lift in the house. You do not have to climb the staircase at all. Can you imagine that Diary? A lift in a house and a direct access to the car park to your own spot. There's a door on the basement that opens to the carpark, you do not have to get wet at all if it rains. Every room has its own balcony and there are so many facilities and amenities that I just cannot say here and you want to you why Diary? I cannot remember!! ha ha ha There are just too many to remember and I couldn't be bothered to take down notes because I know I will only learn when I have start selling. Besides, I do not think I want to go into the private market yet. I will do the HDB flats first for a start. It is easier to sell and 80% of Singaporeans live in HDB flats. But one day, soon after I master my selling skills, I would love to go into private properties.

During on-the-job training yesterday and I have gotten so much informations on how real estate agents market their service and promote their products. You know Diary, whatever your professions are, you got to have some kind of a tool to use to make your jobs easier. So I came to know about this particular tools that agents are using and how it works mostly for all agents who subscribe to this tools. When I was explained how this tool works wonder for all agents, I immediately visualise how I am going to use it for my career and how it will benefit me. I will subscribe to it immediately once I have gotten my certificate whichever is practical. I really have not done my planning on launching my career because everything that I want to do needs money. To go for the certified course will cost me about SGD650, and to subscribe to this tool requires SGD500. Well that is right Diary, before I can even begin my career, I need to fork out money. Money is so scarce nowadays. The in-house training already cost me SGD750. I am not complaining but I am just letting you know. So don't you dare say that I am slow in my progress.

I have to decide if I want to subscribe to the tools or the certified course first. I have to weigh down the pros and cons and probably meet up with my division leader to get his advise on this. I am also going to start work soon. Have I told you that I have gotten a temporary job Diary? I will be working for the Youth Olympic Games (YOG) this April. The contract is six months long. It will end in September this year. I hope to subscribe to the infotools for agents and have passed my certified exam, have my name tag and name cards ready by then. Well, it is not that bad isn't it Diary? It is never too late to start anything. Yes, I know properties do not wait for us but I have to take it slowly but surely. You know Diary, I have never thought that I will not make it because I know, no matter what the market is, a property for sale will definitely sell, it is just a matter of time and price. My only concern is my immediate financial commitments in Malaysia.

Oh Diary, never mind. ..I have to take my fingers off the keyboard now. I will think of something positive nevertheless. InsyaAllah I will overcome it. I have everything nicely sort out but time is just not on my side. I am one step behind and that is why I have this worry. I should have been one step ahead but hey, it's okay you know. I am still smiling and standing strong. I took a big leap and that shows I walk the talk and not just a person who only talks the talk you know. I took the risk and I face it. I have plans and dreams. It is time for an execution. I will write again Diary, you wait for my next entry ok. Take care now.

The Things I do to Them...

Dear Diary,

We have found a house and have signed the letter of intent last Friday. We went to the house once again to have second viewing after we signed the LOI. The new house is much smaller than the current house. It is understandable since we are downgrading. The house is not in its original condition. Many renovations have been carried out by the previous owner so that leaves us with an advantage. That was the intention actually. When we went for house hunting, we had in mind to find a house that does not require lots of renovation works. All of us thought that this house is the right one for us although it is smaller in size than the current one. It is in a move in condition despite the fact that dad wants to do a little change here and there.

How are you Diary? It is Sunday and I am home alone. Mum went to work, dad had to go to his office to monitor the pruning of trees and my brother went for his marathon training. I might go out in a while to get lunch. I am feeling a little 'tako' today. I might just have it for lunch. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat are sleeping on the couch. You know Diary whenever I see them, I cannot deny the love I have for them. We have grown so attached to each other that I think I will definitely feel the loss if they are gone. My parents are going to bring them to Tangkak when they finally retire. I cannot imagine how lost but happy they will be when they are eventually there. The house is big enough for them to run around. I know they always like to play catching and when they run, they really run fast. I have this picture of them running from the living hall to the kitchen freely without any obstructions and I also picture them exploring the porch and backyard.

Oh Diary, I have to be honest that I worry they might just wander off and get lost. The house in Tangkak is built on our own land. Surrounding the house is other people's land. Empty and vacant, filled only with long grass and trees. Knowing how curious and inquisitive cats can be, they might just wander off in excitement. Although the house is gated, I am sure they can just slip and wriggle themselves underneath the entrance gate. Perhaps only Hang Tuah can do that because he is thin but I do not think Hang Jebat would be able to do that. Do you know that he weighs 8kg now? He does nothing but eats and sleeps. He plays too but I think he eats more than he plays.

When he is sleeping, I would just come up to him and lay my head on his stomach. He would push my head with his palm and I would just push his palms back with my head. Sometimes I poke his stomach and slap him on his butt. Everytime I see him, I would get this feeling of 'Geram' because he is so fat and heavy that you just want to give him a tight hug and hold him in your hands. I think he is so afraid of me that everytime I walk pass him, he would hide under the table. He fails to know that the more he hides from me, the more I want to hold him. I would just pull his legs from under the table to put him in between my legs and I would squeeze him hard until he makes a sound. Then I would carry him in my arms as though he is a baby and I would rock him, gently at first and then roughly the next. Then he would become scared because he is so timid. He would try to escape but i hold him so tight that he couldn't run.

You know Diary, when you hold Hang Jebat, you really feel that you are hugging a big and heavy teddy bear. The good thing about it all, he is alive! They are so adorable. I cannot call it a day without touching or squeezing them. They can act as a theraphy product for me. Whenever I get stress and tense, they really can calm me down. When they sleep on the floor, I would just press their stomach with my feet. Of course I do not do it hard, just softly you know. Then I would just bend down and rub their neck and tummy and I would pinch their cheeks so hard that I feel burdens of worries just lifted up from my shoulders. The good thing about them is they do not complain even when I pull their tails and that is why I love them. I am probably rough with them but I do not think I have hurt them physically. It is just that 'Geram' feeling that I have. Seeing something so cute and adorable, big and fat, wouldn't you have that feelings Diary?

If I am really feeling that 'Geram', I would just wrap them around with a blanket and I would bite them on their neck. It doesn't hurt them because they always have extra skin on their neck. Their mother carry them by biting their necks too, am I right Diary? It is just so silly and crazy the things people do just to release that inner feelings of emotions inside us or perhaps, it is just me who does it? Well, I am sure some other people would do that too.

Oh well Diary, I have to go now. I want to shower and go out for lunch. It is really good to be back home. I miss Subang Jaya and my car but I know I am here for reasons that only Allah knows. I should just be contented that I still have a loving and supportive families and friends, roof over my head, food on the table and clothes to wear. I am sure if I just focus and be patient, I will be there someday. To my mum, dad and brother and all the good friends I have made online and offline, I love you all and I will never forget your good deeds to me. I carry your prayers in the background with a strong belief that God helps those who help themselves. I am an optimist. I am not a pessimist because a pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

Standing In The Heat

Dear Diary,

I have tried to write to you for the past 5 hours but I cannot seem to be able to do it. There are so many distractions now. With so many stories to tell, I cannot afford to have this frenzy. My mind is blocked and for the first time I find it hard to write. Could it be a case of mental block? I do not think so because my mind is spinning with so many questions and probably doubts. I have many questions about the career that I am launching, I have doubts if I could make it. The one very important thing during the course of my training for the past few days is, do not doubt yourself. But as a human, I cannot stop to wonder and ponder.

Diary, I hope you are doing fine and well as I am feeling very motivated presently. I have gotten all the financial and emotional supports from my family. I feel so indebted that I really want to work hard and dedicate all my success to them. Mum and dad have been giving me constant encouragements and most significantly, they believe. I supposed that suffice to keep me going.

The workshop for the past three days were held from morning till evening. I got so tired that I did not have the time to even check my email. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I left home in the morning joining the office crowd to work and I got home late at night. I was too tired to even eat when I got home. The in-house training program taught me what I have known in life. But the difference is, I did not apply them into my life, I did not even take notice of them. The training at this agency I am joining probably reminded me of the importance to take those fundamentals seriously, especially if I want to make real estate my career. I would say that the contents of the training are usually the same with other estate agencies in Singapore but the workshop that they called 'Stand In The Heat' in the programme is the essence of the training.

'Stand In The Heat' workshop taught me about team building, the importance of teamwork, being prudent; listening attentively, understanding instructions carefully, being focus to avoid silly mistakes, planning strategies, organising last minute tasks meticulously, the importance of punctuality, sales techniques and the truth about real estate industry in reality. They made us play physical and mind games. We participated in each one of them and at the end of every games, we learnt something that we never thought exist in the games. What I must say is, boredom is not in their agenda. I did not feel bored neither did I feel sleepy because every ounce of my energy was dedicated to the games. I was kept busy to even feel a slight sleepiness.

We had to organise a sales booth for our own team and we only had barely 15 hours to organise, plan and execute it. Imagine this Diary, at 7pm today, we were told that each team had to come up with an idea to sell something during the booth sales tomorrow at 10am. Not only did we have to think of the products to sell, we also have to decorate the booths, plan marketing techniques and do staged self-directed advertisement of our products at a 2 minute length. Most of us were already dog-tired. My team was not the weakest neither was it the strongest but my team leader was a dissapointment. I was not proud of him at all. We settled quickly on the organisations and delegated the tasks to each team members.

The next day at 10am, every participants were there, bringing with them props for the decorations and the products they are selling. We couldn't start decorating until at 1pm during our lunch break. The booth sales only starts at 3pm, so that gave us time to do extra and last minute preparations. Since there were 11 of us, I delegated tasks to each one of us and thankfully everyone worked diligently. At the end of the booth sales, although my team did not come up as the biggest winner in sales, we came up first in booth decoration. And Diary, who do you think decorated the booth? Yes, Diary...you got that right. I decorated the booth with everything that we had. I did not let anyone else had that task because I knew that was my expertise.

The products we sold were donuts and muffins with a free packet of free drinks for every purchase. We did not get the lowest sales neither did we get the highest sales, we also did not win on our advertisement campaign but working hard for the booth sales taught me so many things that I am sure I can apply in the real world. I have two more lessons to complete and after that I will graduate from this batch. I still have to undergo one more course at the Institute of Estate Agents and this time it is based purely on theory. I have to sit for the examination and when I have passed, I am then a Certified Real Estate Agent and will be on my way to practise making big money like I have always dreamt of. Will I or will I not succeed? What do you think Diary? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

It Is Achievable After All....

Dear Diary,

Today is the first day of my real estate course with the agency. I got up early, in fact I got up too early. I couldn't sleep last night. I shut my eyes and I tried to shut my brain too but it didn't work. I probably fell asleep at three in the morning. I guess the anxiety kept me awake. I woke up at six and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. For the past few days, I have been experiencing difficulties to doze off. I do not know what is wrong with me. Most of the times I went to bed as early as eleven in the evening but only ended up dozing at two in the morning.

Diary, the theory lessons today were interesting. We studied Property Law in the morning and Procedures of Selling and Rental of Private Properties in Singapore in the afternoon. All these while whenever I surfed the top most property websites in Singapore and read about senior agents in the market making a hundred thousand in Singapore dollars a month, I was sceptical. I wondered to myself if the news were real. Today, I realised that the news are real because private properties in Singapore cost nine hundred thousand and above. There are five different types of bungalows here with the most exclusive and expensive costing tens of millions of dollars. It is not surprising because land is very scarce in Singapore. With two percent as the commission for every transaction made, and if an agent closes three to five cases a month, it is possible to achieve fifty thousand dollars as commission. Nevertheless, it is not as easy as it sounds. It is achievable but not without very hard and smart work.

I have not decided if I want to specialise in private or HDB. But I think I would go for HDB first. I am not hoping for anything right now Diary. All I want to do is to finish the course, attend as many talks on career development in property, learn from the experts, start my hands on training and do good in this industry. I am not looking for tens of thousands of dollars as commission but I want to be the best in this industry. *winks*

My course starts at 930am and ends at 930pm tomorrow Diary....I do not think I can write to you tomorrow. So you take good care of yourself ok. Bye for now.

The Beginning...

Dear Diary,

I feel that I have to write to you often nowadays so that you know how much I have progress through this ordeal. Well, it is not such big of a deal but it is merely something that I have to note down. Just like how I made my move to Malaysia, from a student to a small scale entrepreneur. It is the journey I want to record so when I am eventually successful, I have something that can remind me of the days when I was still struggling before I achieve the success.

Going back to where I come from, transforming nothing into something and a nobody into a somebody. I feel very much demotivated sometimes since I have came back but I have been trying my level best to get my two feet on the ground. I keep telling myself that things are going to be alright. It is not as bad as it seems. I should be thankful for having such a supportive and loving families. I should be grateful for having such wonderful and helpful friends and most importantly, I must thank the Almighty for the air in my lungs. I breathe and I live.
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I knew I have made a couple of wrong decisions but I supposed this is the journey of my life, where I will surely have to make wrong decisions before making good and right decisions. That is how things work. I have signed up to be a registered real estate agent in a more establish firm last Friday. I guess I have to learn from the best to be the best or at least close to best. Mum gave me the money to sign up. I had to take it because I cannot afford to waste anymore time. Taking the money from her makes me feel lousy but I do not have a choice. Beggars cannot be choosers. To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.

I will start the real estate course tomorrow. I supposed tomorrow is the start of my voyage. I am sure it is not going to be a smooth sailing. Well Diary, whatever the conditions and situations are, I will persevere and endure because I haven't had many choices that I can pick and choose. I will just be present wherever and however I need to. I have promised myself that I will wake up every morning and work hard at it. Will I make it there Diary? I don't know but I want this start of my voyage to have a happy ending because sometimes the path I am on is not as important as the direction I am heading.

Wish me luck Diary and pray with me because I know you believe in me.

I Will Have My Privacy Back Soon...

Dear Diary,

I went back to Subang Jaya last Friday and came back to Singapore on Wednesday. On the way to Subang, my heart was filled with nothing but excitement. I have never felt that way before whenever I came back to Subang and when I did I was not surprised. I knew where did the excitement come from. I had been in Singapore for almost three weeks. I had not seen my car, I had not seen my house and I had not seen my closest friends. I miss all of them. The journey to Subang Jaya on last Friday was a journey to the destination that could cure my long for the best things in my life.

Paranoid was at home when I entered the house. I noticed that she had been packing her stuffs. She was alone and there was no one else helping her. I let her be. I went inside my room and I took in a deep breath. I miss that smell. Most accurately was, I miss my room and all other things that come with it. I layed on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I did not really know what I felt. I miss everything I have there but at the same time I knew I have to be pragmatic. If being there makes me become very unproductive, I better be somewhere else that allows me to use all my talents at its full best. Some people have advised me to work in Malaysia but it is not as easy as it seems. Many factors have to be taken into consideration like educational qualifications, salary, working hours and my financial commitments in Malaysia and Singapore. I supposed I have to wait a little while before seeing things go my way. All these while, things have been good to me. I got what I wanted without much of a hassle. I guess things have changed for me. It is time I learnt things the hard way.

I spent my weekend with Rolly Polly and Gummy Bear. We went dinner, breakfast, lunch and we did so many things together. I enjoyed their company and I supposed they enjoyed mine too. I teased Gummy Bear a lot. I probably have offended her so many times with my teasings. I don't know Diary. I have gotten comfortable with her and I treat her like a sister I never had. I hope we remain friends for long because I really treasure our friendship. The good thing about her is, she does not judge me no matter how or what I did to tease her. Her laughter is contagious and laughing with her just makes me forget about my troubles for the day. Humble, gullible and very down to earth, that's what she is. Sometimes I think I was too much when I tease her but I cannot help it. It is no fun if you tease a person with boundaries isn't it? Well, of course that statement is debatable.

Oh Diary, I left Hanny with Rolly Polly. I knew I will not be coming back to Subang for a long time so it was a good thing to leave Hanny with her. Rolly Polly is going to take care of Hanny. I told her to bring Hanny to roar every fortnightly. Ooohhh...I miss that queen of my heart already now!! You know Diary, I can be so stingy with my things. I never give permission to Rolly Polly to drive Hanny. *Chuckles* Well...I will one of these days.

It looks like Paranoid is really moving out Diary. She packed most of her stuffs already. She returned me the spare keys while she still holds her set of keys. I will have the house to myself by end of April. However, she did say that she might change her plan if she has gotten herself a permanent job in KL. She decided to move out because she is jobless and simply finds the cost of living high without a job. I actually plan to live alone and I do not intend to take her back if she has found a job. Frankly, I do not feel my privacy is being respected when she is around. I think you know why don't you Diary?

Nonetheless, Manhattan might be staying with me. Things are not confirmed yet but I could use some company of an old friend though, who shares the same inner interest like I do. I have so many plans for the house. I think I will furnish and decorate it to my taste. I will paint the hall chilli red and I will install air conditioners to two of the main rooms. Gosh...there are so many things I want to do Diary. Me and my dreams...well we have to dream don't we Diary? I admit that I am an avid dreamer and I dream almost every minute of my life and most importantly, I bring my dreams to life whenever I can because dreams are free theraphy for the soul and mind.

May You...

Dear Diary,

I spent my Sunday in Johor Bahru attending the funeral of my aunt. It was an unplanned visit. Well, yes we intended to visit her but did not expect to attend her funeral. She was alive when we left home although we received news that her condition had worsened and she was in a critical state. Nobody said it out loud that she was leaving, who would anyway? We were at the Malaysian Immigration custom when we received the news. She died in the hospital. I was driving at that time and I turned around to look at my mum. I just had to see her face because it was her eldest sister who died. It was a natural thing to do. Mum was calm as usual and I really wonder what is it that will make her break. But nevertheless, who says still water has got no crocodiles?

Since I left home unprepared, I stopped by Danga Bay to buy myself a shawl. Lucky for me to wear a long sleeve shirt. I went for a quick shopping to match the shawl with my shirt and I drove straight to my aunt's house. The mood in the house was neither happy nor sad. It was probably because I was not in my late aunt's house. You see Diary, I have a few aunts living next to each other and I happened to go to the other aunt's house instead of my late aunt's. If I had been to her house, I was sure the mood was going to be different. Most of my teenage cousin sisters were already there since Friday. I have to admit that I was more than glad when I saw them. You know why Diary? I can say that I am the only female adult that does not wear 'tudung' in my mum's side of the family. That makes me feel rather out of place actually. That is also the reason why I do not fancy spending my time to socialise with relatives on my mum's side. Spending my time with them gives me nothing but awkwardness. My teenage cousin sisters were my saviour. There are four of them and all four of them do not wear tudung and having them around surely made me feel welcomed. It is not that I hate it but when you are the odd one, you cannot help but to feel left out sometimes.

My mother and my other aunties started discussing on the funeral and they understood that my late aunt last wish was to be buried on the same day she passes away. It was already four in the afternoon and most of the relatives from Singapore started to question if that was practical since it will be dark or almost dark by the time we were ready for the funeral. You see Diary, the culture in Singapore is usually if someone dies after 'Asar', he or she will be buried on the next day as long as it does not exceeds the stipulated time in Islam. Many of my aunts strongly agreed to carry out her last wish therefore arrangements were made to speed up the process. Mum and all my aunties went to the hospital to prepare for the funeral. They came back at six with my aunt's remains. Well wishers were given a last chance to pay respect to my aunt and I took this opportunity to do so too. I wore my shawl over my head not exposing a single strand of my hair. I walked over to her house feeling a little bit shy. I felt like the whole world was looking at me.

I really hate that feeling Diary. It is the same when I get a new haircut. Whenever I left the saloon, I felt I am being watched by every man that passes me. And I tend to look down afraid to make any eye contacts with the public. It is not such a big deal but it is what I always feel after getting a new haircut. So, the time when I had that shawl on my head, having not used to the situation of wearing a 'tudung' I felt so awkward and clumsy. I was angry with myself for having to feel that way. Have you ever felt like that Diary? I supposed when you have something on you that you are not used to, you cannot help but to feel that way, aren't you?

So there I was looking down while walking to my aunt's house alone. My other cousins were already there leaving me behind and I cursed softly at them for not waiting up for me. I managed to catch a glimpse of my aunt's face. She looked so calm and peaceful to my eyes. I knew she had been humble, kind and decent when she was alive. I waited for about a minute before I left the house. It was very quick and fast. Prayers for her were performed and immediately after that we were heading to the burial site. It was almost Maghrib when we got there. When they placed my aunt on the ground, the 'azan' was heard loud and clear coming from the nearby mosque. At that moment everybody remained silent. I remained silent too and a sudden feeling of sympathy started to embrace me. I felt very inadequate and inferior watching this very burial of my aunt. With the 'azan' in the background, I got the chill and I got this sudden feel of shiver in my spine. The 'Talqin' was read and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I buried my face with my palms and I looked away from the grave remembering the day when my late brother died.

I still remember how I felt at that time;nothing. I was too lost to feel anything. I didn't  shed a tear, not until we had our first 'kenduri', not until a week after he was gone, not until I painted the house without him and not until we went out for family dinner for the first time after he died. The sadness will only sinks in later when you are alone and when the crowd is gone. The pain, the long and the miseries all felt at once. Almost unbearable especially when you have to remain strong for the rest. I looked at my cousin brother who was the only son my aunt had. He seemed lost too, lacking emotions and expressions. But he cannot lie with his eyes. I can see from his eyes what his heart was feeling. My deepest and heartfelt condolence went out to him. May he have warm words on a cool evening, a full moon on a dark night, a smooth road all the way to his door. May he always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer him and those he loves near him, and all his heart might desires.