What Really Makes Me Feel So Pressure

Dear Diary,

Pumpkin is getting married today and I am not attending her wedding. I am invited and her card arrived a day before her wedding. I cannot attend her wedding, as I have to be in Tangkak. Yes, I am writing to you in Tangkak now from my bedroom that is filled with smoke from the cigarette I am smoking. I have a blanket underneath the door to avoid the smoke from coming out of the room. I am not sure if my parents know that I still smoke even though I have told them I have quit.

I have never quit from smoking. I only stopped and as and when I feel that I have to smoke, the spare packet of cigarette will always come in handy. I have about three to four sticks of cigarette daily. I try to cut it down but work can be stressful sometimes and whenever I need to get away from my desk, I will go for a smoke alone. I prefer to go alone than with my colleagues in a group. When I smoke during work that is the only private time I have at work and that is the time when I would call Hello Kitty and chat with her for the short time I have.

Talking to her makes me calm at least as I am able to release some if not all the tensions and pressures I have at work. She would be the listener and I would be the storyteller. At times, I wonder how it is going to be if she is gone from my life. I do ponder at that thought and I would imagine myself all by myself. It is scary and sad to have to go through that phase again.

She and I may be undergoing a long distant relationship now but I know it is only temporary. I am working out something in Singapore and I really hope it would kick off in January 2012. I am working so hard now to turn that dream into reality. I have written down the plan and the 'to do' list and I am waiting for the time execute it. I am pretty excited about it all and I know I will have obstacles but isn't that what life is all about? Whatever we do, they are always obstacles, even to love someone there is obstacle.

Work has been as usual, my sales have been good, and I am thankful for the 'rezeki' Allah has given me. If everything goes smoothly, I might be hitting 1.3 million in total volume of sales for the month of October. There are three tiers of commission scheme that the bank offers. The first is 1.1, the second is 1.3 and the third is 1.6 millions. I have never hit the third tier commission scheme before and I am not sure if it is possible for me. So many factors play a part for a sales officer to hit the commission. Everybody tries to hit at least the second tier as it promises a lot more rewards in terms of monetary. That's where the pressure begins.

Honestly, my mind does not stop thinking of sales. It stops when I go to sleep and it starts again when I wake up. So do you see the bigger picture now Diary? I have every reason on earth to quit this job. I cannot be doing this to my mind, I know my mind works like a time bomb, and it ticks every second with stress and worry. It is simply unhealthy for my mind. I would rather be physically tired than mentally tired. Everybody at works think I am good because of my achievements. There are many better sales officer who easily hit the third tier commission scheme but they still think I am good as I am a newbie; only three months in the trade and I have never missed any commission scheme. That really put a lot of pressures on my two small shoulders.

I am somewhat proud of myself but I am also afraid. I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it. You know Diary, have you got the feeling that you have to perform because everybody thinks you are good? You are afraid that if you underperform then people won't think you are good anymore. Oh Diary...I wish I can stop myself from feeling that way. There are four of us in my batch as newbies. I am the top performer in my batch and yes I have over perform some of the old staffs as well who have been working for more than a year. So yeah...to be honest that is where the pressure starts however, I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.

Oh well Diary...I can go on and on.

I Need A Team To Start It

Dear Diary,

It is a public holiday today and I have spent my time sleeping during the day. I had been waiting for this day to come because I am simply tired and really need this holiday to catch up on sleep. I woke up as usual as though I had to go to office today. I tried to go back to sleep but I could not. I supposed since I have had this job, I have developed the habit of waking up early in the morning over time. I had my breakfast and I started doing my own things then. 

I planned to write to you yesterday but fatigue got the better of me. I wish I would have the superpower that would make me invincible to fatigue so that I will have all the time on earth to do my things. My day was surprisingly good yesterday especially at work. I felt like shouting ‘Alhamdulillah’ aloud. My heart was beating with excitement, as the sale I have made was superb. It was not the best sale I have ever made but it was amazing as the leads that we have got from the banks were bad. I am an inch far to achieving my October targeted sales volume. I have Thursday, Friday until the month ends, and I am confident that I will make it. But then again, really, anything is possible. I am ten thousand away from my target, it may seem easy but honestly, it will not be as easy as it may seem. I am afraid to be confident but at the same time I am sure I am able to achieve it.  

How are things at your end Diary? We are coming close to the end of the year and I am two months away from ending my contract. I am still a little confused of what I want to do. There are a few options that I have but I simply do not know what suits me best. Maybe I do know what it is but I am somewhat afraid to carry it out that I am not sure if I have the support that I would need. I know I am able to source the financial support but I am not sure if I am able to find the physical support that I need most. I am sure I can find people to work for me but I am not confident that they may be the right persons. It takes time to develop a business. Yes, I may have the experience but I have to admit I need to feel safe. It is hard to explain, as coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress and working together is success. 

I can always stay with the bank but honestly, I do not think I can handle the stress everyday. I do not like to be burden with the stress of achieving my sales target day after day. I have dreamt about my job and it is difficult for me to take time off from work, as I know a day away from work can affect my monthly sales. It is good because it makes me very disciplined and efficient staff but it is also bad, as I will have constant fear to take time off from work. I am not supposed to feel this way. This is what I have become Diary. I want a job that enables me to make big bucks but not a job that makes me afraid to even be on sick leave. I come to work even when I am sick taking with me all the medicines I have just to make me feel better at work. 

Do you understand what I feel about my job Diary? It is demanding. I appreciate what I have now. I can see all the effort I put in has paid off however I do not see myself holding to this job for the next two to three years time. I have always seen myself as the boss and I know what I am looking forward to but it is just the point of view deep inside me that I have right now. I need the pillar Diary. It is more than moral support that I need. I need her to be here with me. It will definitely make me a stronger person. There is always a woman behind every man’s success and I need the woman to be here with me, physically. It is a lot of hard work to put my plan together. It is simply insufficient to have money alone. Oh Diary…I hope you know that nobody can do it alone. No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side. 

To Complete The First Phase of The Vision

Dear Diary,

I have three more days to pull off my monthly sales volume until this month ends. I am looking good presently but in my line of duty, anything is possible and you really cannot predict what is going to happen. My sale was encouraging today to start the week. This week is the last week of October and it is my last week to make those calls to close some sales.  

In all honesty, I have been doing fairly well for a newbie. There are a lot of competitions and pressures but I know when I stepped into the office, all I wanted to do was to make some sales. At times, I feel like quitting but it is probably not the time yet. Do you remember what I have told you about my vision? Working here is the first phase of achieving my vision therefore; I honestly cannot give up easily even how taxing the situation at work can get. 

I like the work environment here. I come to the office and I simply need to do my work. That is all I have to do. I do not have the big boys looking over my shoulder to check on me. When I have my headset on, it will be the headset and me. It is relaxing in a way however, it is actually stressful. My job is to make sales, I bring in the figures and if I do not, I will be face with the possibilities of being dismissed from work. That is how things work in there. It is not discrimination neither it is oppression. I believe it is how the sales environment is driven especially in a bank. The seat that I have taken cost me one million and a hundred thousand in rental. If I do not achieve at least that sale volume monthly, I can say goodbye to my job. So you see Diary, I have every reason to be stressful about my work everyday. 

How are you doing Diary? I have always missed you. I miss those times when I used to tell you everything and never missed a thing. I know that things have changed a little between us but I have to admit that no one has replaced you. You are always the one that I look for in times of my adversities. I know you listen to me even though there is no reaction that I can expect from you. At times, I wonder if I ever going to write to you until the day I die. Who would read you Diary, when my time is up? I really don’t know. It does not look like I am going to have off springs. You know it is sad sometimes. All the people I have once loved. I miss them and I know I have said a few good things about them here to you. Perhaps I have said some bad things as well but well, how else can I do to let it all out? You are my Diary and my responsibility to you is to feed you with my life stories because all men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. 

I had been in Kuala Lumpur last three weekends. It was a rush but I enjoyed my trip there. I did not go to Subang Jaya as it was really a rush. I had to buy some stuffs to resell them to the ready buyers that Hello Kitty has been gathering. It was a good deal. In one day everything we had was sold out. I am not sure when the next trip to KL is but I know it has to be soon as the demands for the goods are high and the supply is low at present. This is what I do for a side income. We are still at the learning stage and there are many options for us. If you asked me Diary, I would still prefer to have a business in the food and beverage industry. I have a thing for it and I know that for sure. I may not have ten years of full time experience but I have knowledge to run it and that is what I am working at. 

I simply do not know how to run any other business. I have read somewhere that if we want to run a business it is crucial how we must have at least some experience in that field. I still have hope that I will be running my own restaurant some days. Someone told me before that I will get what I want someday all I need is to have some faith. I am halfway through my first phase of achieving my vision perhaps we shall simply wait and see, shall we?

Travelling Towards My Dream

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to go to Little India after work today to meet up with my family for dinner but I changed my mind and went home after I had my dinner alone at Northpoint. My head was spinning and I was starting to see doubles of everything. I felt that my head was as heavy as a coconut and it would have fallen off from my body if it were not connected to my neck. I often feel this way nowadays. I am not sure why. It could be the constant stress from work or perhaps it could be the skipping of lunch everyday at work.

I could have had my lunch but in my work environment, I feel so afraid to leave my desk. Perhaps it is just me because I know how determined I can get if I really want something. I want everyday to be a good sales day for me but I know that is not going to happen because it simply cannot. Christmas does not happen everyday neither does Aidilfitri. Yesterday was a good sales day for me and today was simply average but it was enough for me to come close to achieving my monthly sales target. I am about two hundred thousand dollars away from my target and I truly hope I can achieve it this month. It will make a lot of difference if I do. 

For the time I have been here, I can only say that this job is not for those with faint hearted and weak in the mind. The mental state of mind needs to be strong as pressure is always there everyday to make sales. We have daily target to achieve and believe me Diary, it can really get its way into your mind, body and soul. I have dreamt about my job more often nowadays than the women I have been involved. It freaks me out sometimes. Patience and faith are the main ingredients one needs to have in this job. Along the way, skills and expertise could be learnt. The constant craving for good sales day will eventually make you become alert, aware and invincible to any objections thrown at you. 

I do not love my job Diary but I know I can do well in it if I stay long enough. It is a simple job, which suits me. There are not many physical works involved but the pressure is enormous. You have to pay attention to details and one simple mistake can be very disastrous. It involves money, transactions are made for millions of dollars everyday, and you simply cannot afford to do mistakes. That is what the bank expects from us but it is just impossible because to err is humans. I often remind myself that if I break my neck, if I have nothing to eat, if my house is on fire, then I got a problem.  Everything else is inconvenience. I guess that is how I survived thus far in this job because if I do not like something, I changed it; if I cannot change it, I simply change the way I think about it.

I am not sure if I will renew my contract. I am looking at other options. Remember about the job offer in KL I had? It is finalised but I am having second thoughts about it now. I cannot be sure if that is what I want. You know, working in the banks have gave me some kind of an eye opener that being self employed can really gives you the chance to make big money. I have seen it so many times from the bank’s pool of database. People as young or rather as old as I am have so much credit limits. Everytime I look at that, I tell myself that I want to be like that. I do not want to end up being an employee for the rest of my time. I want to be the employer and the boss of my own company. It is not easy I know that but I know that I have always wanted to be a boss since I was young. My mother used to ask me when I was five years old what did I want to be when I grow up. I had only one word as the answer for her; boss. To have my own business is the only constant thing in my mind since I was young. I have a passion for business and I supposed it is in food and beverage. I have had quite a fair period of experience in the food and beverage business and perhaps that is why I feel close to it. 

When I got this job, I really did not know what the plan I should have for myself was. However, after working for one month, I began to have a plan for myself. I have an idea of where to get the funds to start a small-scale food and beverage business and know what I have to do in order to achieve it now. I am thankful that this job somehow or rather tells me that there are ways to get around you simply have to know and explore. One has to remember the secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes. I am seeing an opportunity for me now but there are still couples of distance I have to travel before I am able to accomplish it.

So do you see the reason now why I have not taken any medical or annual leave from work? This is the reason, I need to make my daily sales, and I need to achieve my monthly sales volume. The pay slips have to be impressive because that will make it easier. The visions that I have for myself, it is just wonderful if it comes into reality. I want to be able to go beyond what I can achieve. I want to accomplish something big in my life. This is not my short-term goal Diary; it is my long-term goal. I know Rome is not built in a day and neither is success. Success comes with a price tag. Having been lived in Kuala Lumpur for almost five years have taught me so many things that I know I would not learn in schools. 

My dream has not come true yet but I am working on it. It is such a long way Diary. I am still at the first stage of achieving it. I am trying so hard to do my level best but my only concern is will I be able to sustain? Patience is a most necessary qualification for business and I am somewhat thankful that I am stubborn naturally because I will stubbornly persist, and I know I will find that the limits of my stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of my limits.