Things Will Be Better

Dear Diary,

 

It is dad’s birthday. We brought him to dinner at The Straits Garden Restaurant in Grand Hyaat Hotel. I did not eat much as most of the food there are heavy. I prefer buffett with lots of finger food. Nevertheless, the food was tasty and it is worth the money if you are a big eater and love tasty delicious food. I am not a big eater although at times I wish I were.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I could not focus at work but I kept my composure. There were times when I remembered of what happened yesterday but I knew life has to go on. I let my emotions to express but I did not allow it to take control of me. I knew that I would cry and my heart felt a little heavy than usual. If I don't manage my emotions, then my emotions will manage me. It was probably because of the expectations I had. I have learnt not to have anymore expectations because expectation is the root of all heartaches. 

No one is to be blame except myself. If I had known earlier where I stand, I think I would be able to hold back my expectations. I did not know then, but now I do and keeping myself away is the best option. I cannot do this to myself anymore. I have to let it pass and let it go. After all these years, I realise I did not let it go. It stays in my heart because my love was true. I cling on it for far too long and now I knew I must stop as I now know how much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling. 

I have watched this television series called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive’. In one of the episode it was about four people who had a plane crash in the sea. They survived as the plane landed in the sea but they had to swim to shore as the plane was sinking. They were fathers and sons. They were holding on to the styrofoam box where they kept their frozen supplies. It helped to keep them afloat. They could not see the land but they knew they had to try to swim to shore as help was not coming. The fathers held on to the box but the sons who were stronger swimmer than their dads swam and were far ahead. Finally, one of the son realised that holding on to the box slowed them down although it helps them afloat. They decided that they had to let the box go to reach the shore before dark. They had to make the decision. 

They risked drowning if they let the box go because land was not visible. Holding to the box would save them from drowning but it slowed them down. They let go of the box and swam together.  It was difficult but they finally made it to shore and asked for help. I learnt that you have to let go of the past in order for you to live in the future. You have to open up your heart to allow love from someone new to blossom. You cannot believe in only one love. It is not easy but to live, you must do what you have to do to survive. One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields — even to sadness. Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness.

I figure it is true. We only live once and everybody needs love. We cannot deny that. No man is an island. Love is a gamble. We must stop loving someone who cannot love us back. We must not reserve our love for someone who will not appreciate our love. How heartbroken we are, we must know that there got to be love for us somewhere else. And when we want to love somebody, make sure that she is the first best. She is the only one and no one else. Just like how you want to be the first best to her, she must feel the same towards you too regardless if there were others who want to get in the way. If you feel that you are second best, then learn to let go and move on. 

Love must not come with doubts. If she tries to kill your hope for the love you have, then let it go. If she tries to kill your hope by telling stories of infatuations, she has for others, then let it go. There is no such thing as trial and error when it comes to love. If you love somebody, then you love that somebody and no one else. You do not have relationship with somebody on a trial basis because when you decide and dare to take up the responsibility to be in a relationship, then you jolly well love her for her weaknesses and strengths, as man is a knot into which relationships are tied. You do not try but you must because no one is perfect but she can be perfect to you, in your eyes, in your soul and in your arms. She will be your other half and she will be your soul mate. She will be the one who wants to be your sunshine and also the air you breathe.

I have learnt from my mistakes Diary. I used to have relationships out of loneliness and lust. They were not love so it was easy for me to change girlfriends. I was young. I have had my fair shares of being naughty. There is one sad truth in life I've found - The only folks we really wound are those who we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know. We please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best. They all loved me so much but I just took advantage of them all. Now the true love I have is taken away. This is perhaps karma to what I have done to the many ex girlfriends I had dissapoint. 

I am heartbroken again Diary. I am so dissapointed with things that I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face. I realised I am not in a situation that I can give what she expects and wishes for. I am not the one she loves. I choked while eating thinking about it but I know they will only make me stronger. I must learn how to be strong again. One conversation, that is all it takes to ruin this sensitive heart and it takes years to heal. Perhaps it is true that you can break up with your loved ones and say good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. Her World.  

Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array, -
Days of absence, I am weary;
She I love is far away and gone