i'm finally doing it...

Dear diary,
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I have so many things to tell that I could not even recall what do I want to tell. There are so many stories to share nowadays especially when I am in a different country away from my family for the first time. I have to admit that it is not that far from home being away in kuala lumpur but being homesick is something undeniable. I have been busy running errands for myself.
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Making sure that I have all the documents required to enroll for the classes and to make sure that I am not late for school. I have been sleep deprived and I can see that my eyes are becoming bloodshot, my face shows signs that I am tired and I get sleepy when the night is still young. I am a little disorganise with my timetable right now but I have promised myself to get back on my feet. Being in kuala lumpur for a different purpose other than holiday is totally a new experience for me. Usually I would be shopping or busy making appointments with my friends to meet up for coffee or tea but this time, I am busy getting myself acquainted with the shool system of a college in another country. I am busy getting myself acquainted with the people in the college. I see them all diary.
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I have heard so much about how the students in the college are likely to behave. I saw the girls who are vain, snobbish and proud. They speak english with a fake accent trying to make it sound natural. They dress to kill to go to college and for a second I thought to myself did they go into college to study or to get cheap publicity the easiest way? They are like bimbos who talk about things irrelevant to the subject they are studying in class. I was assigned to this group of students for group work and we ended up not doing the questions because the students in the group were too busy talking about how their lip gloss smell like champainge and we had another girl who said hers taste like beer. We also had one girl who talked about where she bought her school from and it makes me sick.
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I can’t fit in into those kind of people and I just feel suffocated with them. They are just no the type of people I mix with. I wold rather be in a cage full of orang utans than people like them, at least orang utans can be entertaining in a very genuine way.

i will see them when i get there..

dear diary,

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i am very sleepy today because i slept at 3am last night. i was doing my history reading when pizza text me. she asked if she could call me to talk. she was feeling sad and down so i knew she had to talk to someone. she called and we talked for 3 hours and i had to put my reading on hold. pizza talked to me about her family affairs and i just listened to her predicaments giving her my piece of mind when necessary.

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the thing about pizza is, she is sensitive and thus she feels easily affected by what people say or do to her even when they meant well. she had a few brushes with me but since we are cousins, i do not really take to heart what happened between us and i forget abt the brushes. pizza is a nice person and a good cousin who is understanding with people but she often let herself be a victim to people sometimes careless comments and opinions indirectly hurting her confidence. i was very closed with her when we were growing up. i felt comfortable with her that i used to share everything and anything with her.

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she's a year older than me and that makes us share almost the same wavelength on anything except for a few differences in opinions. things were a little different after she got married but we remain close despite meeting less, however we take every opportunity to catch up whenever we get to meet. she told me that she's sad i'm leaving soon but she's happy for me because she knows that's what i have always wanted in life. chicken pie called last night and we talked a bit. she was at some place accompanying her cousin for her futsal training. she didn't join the training cos she was not well. i was kinda surprise when she told me she participates in the training sometimes.

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i never thought that chicken pie would play a sport especially futsal. it's a good surprise though so at least i know she's sporty too. i have always thought futsal to be a sport for lesbians. many of my friends in malaysia play futsal and they are all people like me. futsal is not so popular here in singapore although i have heard and seen banners for futsal players recruitment. i guess it does not receive much public support due to lack of publicity. it's the women's soccer that's popular here and yes, the players are 99 percent lesbians, butch to be exact. chicken pie agrees with me that futsal is probably the unofficial sport for lesbians. she told me there are many girls during the tournament and training sessions and i was thinking i probably should join any futsal club to play so i can know those girls.

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having many girlfriends is harmless so long as you know your boundaries. i have one person on my mind that i want to meet. i've never really known her but we've had a couple of interesting chat sessions. she's attached so i guess she's safe to meet. she gave me a couple of her pictures and i can tell she's that kind of girls with heels, short skirts, tube and spaghetti strap tops with body to die for. *winks* sounds sexy? well...i don't know but i like to watch girls like that but only for viewing of course and not for keeps. she gave me her number and asked me to call her whenever i'm in KL. i will do just that when i am there for good!! *chuckles*

she's my love...

dear diary,

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little sister and i are getting comfortable with each other. we share almost everything and we tell each other things we do daily. it's like living as a couple under the same roof, we know of each other's activities. it's very pleasing you know. both of us have sulked to each other and both have laughed out loud to our hearts content. we talked about anything that's under the sun.

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i can see that little sister is cheekier and sometimes i just blushed by myself when she gets mischievious. i tend to be shy with her and always end up blushing to myself. little sister can be sweet, angelic, vulnerable, pampered and in control at the same time. she can be matured at times and when she's like that, her voice just makes me longed to hold her in my arms. she's a softspoken person and i think i will like her even more when we are together.

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her condition is getting better and the last check up brought good news. we don't know for sure but we are keeping the faith. i remembered one phonecall where she spontaneously cried very sadly. she made me completely stunned and i didn't know what to say or what to do except to let her cry and talk whatever she wanted to talk. i just listened to her and i knew then that my heart feels for her. i was really sad for her you know diary. if you had listened to the way she cried, you knew that her cry was a cry from years of bottling things up. i hope she felt a little release after she cried. she seems happy now, cheerful and sweet and the good thing is, she's all mine. i never could have asked for more.

retains that youthful glow

dear diary,

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have i told you i bought one bottle of collagen matrix from nature's farm? it cost 178 bucks for 900 tablets. it's worth the price considering that it gives about 5-6 months supply of wellness to yourself. it contains ingredients that can enhance your beauty from within, like collagen 1,2,3 and a few other vitamins all in one. i have read about collagen and what it can do to your body. it helps to grow the natural minerals in our skin that we have lost over the years. it helps to eliminate signs of ageing and maintain the natural glow of your skin. i have been eating it for two weeks now but i do not consume them as suggested.

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it is suggested that the collagen are to be consumed 15 tablets a day after food. but it is not necessary to take 15 at one go. 15 tablets are to be divided by 3 in a day so that means you take 5 tablets each time after breakfast, lunch and dinner. i don't take 15 tablets a day but i only take 5 tablets so one bottle of collagen matrix gives me about 6 months supply. considering all the supplements i take in a day 5 collagen matrix is sufficient. i have to admit that i sometimes got so sick for drinking too much water at one time. imagine this diary, i consume 2 capsules of primrose evening oil, 1 tablet of hair protector, 1 tablet of bone formula, 1 tablet of vitamin-B and 5 tablets of collagen matrix daily.

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each time i swallow, i need to drink some water and swallowing 10 tablets makes me so sick of water sometimes. i cannot imagine some people who consume more than 15 tablets a day for supplements. i know some of my friends who consume 30 tablets of supplements daily and i can only wonder how do they do it!!i went out for dinner with hippo last night. i called her and make arrangement with her cos i needed to buy myself a luggage. did i tell you about the luggage diary? we went to bugis junction first but i did not find any that i like. furthermore, it didn't offer much choices so we decided to go to mustafa centre. my preference would be hard case cabin size luggage.

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colour doesn't matter but i would prefer bright colours because i plan to paste a lot of stickers on it. i want to give it a rugged and funky look. i saw one that suits my preference and the price is unbelievably cheap. it comes in two colours, green and maroon. i chose maroon cos there was only one green left and its wheels were not in good condition. i had to settle for the maroon one. i need to look for stickers and i am going to JB this friday to accompany mom to settle some issues with the banks in JB. probably, i can go to angsana and get some cool stickers there. i know there's one shop in angsana that specialises in ready made or made to order stickers. i need about 50 average size stickers or probably 30 of large size stickers.

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my intention is to cover the whole front side of the luggage with stickers. i probably will make 3 custom made stickers for myself. i hope they have cool stickers there. pizza once got a sticker for her car custom made at that shop. it looks nice and i fancy the workmanship. hopefully there are plenty to choose from over there.i also bought 2 bottles of perfume last night. hippo was selecting perfumes to buy and i joined her when i saw how cheap the perfumes were. i have been wearing gucci envy for 8 years now and i have always stuck to it. i think it is the only perfume that i have worn so religiously and loyally. i like the smell and i just want to have one identity about the perfume i wear. i want people to immediately think of me when they smell gucci envy, and i want people to associate me with gucci envy whenever they think of me. i want to make gucci envy my signature perfume which i have succeeded. but i think there is no harm if i were to wear other perfumes as well.

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i fell in love with red jeans and united colours of benetton. the prices are so reasonable to me thinking that i am going to be a student soon. red jeans ss half the price of gucci envy and has soft smell compared to envy. UCB is only 10 bucks and it's economical to wear it to sleep. it has strong smell like gucci envy. i bought one bottle of each. they are all very old perfumes and it's no surprise how their prices have change from the first time they launched. i still remember how my classmates were so crazy over the smell and packaging when we were students. now, they are just another old perfume on the shelve waiting to be labelled as vintage. if people are still buying them, it's probably because of old memories, the scent, the packaging or the price. i bought them because of the price and scent, however i am still going to stick with gucci envy. red jeans and UCB will be the second choice. having three perfumes in a lifetime will not be confusing i supposed.

being savvy with gadgets

dear diary,

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i did not plan to buy a laptop when i was browsing at Harvey Norman in my neighbourhood shopping centre. i knew i need a laptop but i only thought that i need it late this year. as i was browsing i saw one laptop with price tag i couldn't resist. it's Compaq 15.5 inch screen with 40GB, 512 MB, Intel Celeron with 20x DVD ROM, 3 USB ports, Card reader, PCMCIA card slot and wireless network technology. it doesn't come with bluetooth technology but i bought the external bluetooth dongle device to make it bluetooth enabled. i need the laptop to be bluetooth technology enabled because my palm top and mobile phone are bluetooth enabled. oh wait, have i told you i bought a new mobile phone? well, what else if it's not nokia? it's 3230 black and it's bluetooth. i can transfer files, videos and anything to each other wireless. that's the beauty of technology nowadays.

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people do things wireless and with a click of a button. it's so simple provided you have the know-how knowledge. my bluetooth dongle enabled me to get connected even if i am 100 meters away. i have yet to set up the configuration from my laptop to palmtop internet connection. i need to install a virtual serial port on my laptop before i am able to get connected to the internet via bluetooth technology. i have to find time to configure the settings and read the documentations on it. i am so busy now. i still need to pack my stuffs and prepare a list of what to bring to KL. i need to buy a luggage with wheels. i don't need a big one, i just need a small one cos i can use my other duffel bags. i saw one luggage bag going cheap but i took my time contemplating to buy or not to buy and it's not on sale anymore. what's even more regrettable, it has the size, colour, shape and design that suit my preferences. damn!! i should have bought the luggage when i saw it the first time. i saw another one luggage just now and it was cheap too but i don't quite know if i like it because of the price or design. maybe i better look around first and buy one which really suits my preferences. i have learnt my lesson for buying things on impulse.

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you know diary, i bought a bluetooth headset and i kind of regret it. it's loose and it falls off from my ear whenever i have to do rough activities waering it. it gives me the convenience of talking handsfree without the cord attached to the phone but it doesn't give me the assurance that it won't fall off from the ear. i should have bought the Motorola one cos it comes with a clip that allows you the freedom of talking without worrying if the headset will drop from the ear. damn!! it sucks man! you know how it feels like when you buy something that you really need but it doesn't perform to your standards. it's anooying and dissapointing. i am thinking of selling this headset away and buy another one or perhaps i could tie few pieces of rubber band around the earpiece to give it that extra grip when i attach it to my ear. geess, i really don't know. i keep buying things without checking for the past 4 days. first of all, it was my optical cordless mouse for my laptop. bought it for 20 bucks and didn't ask if it is battery operated. brought it home and found 2 triple A batteries in the package but couldn't find the compartment for the battery on the mouse. i was sure that it is battery operated cos it's cordless, if it's not battery operated, where would it get the energy to operate? so i went to buy a mini tools set to unscrew the screw at the bottom of the mouse thinking that's where the batteries can be inserted. i was wrong and i wanted to fix the mouse back but i couldn't cos in the process of unscrewing it, i used lot of force onto it and broke the latch. the mouse is useless now and i am so frustrated.

many tasks but little time

dear diary,

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it has been three weeks since i last visited the cemetery. i have been so busy lately that i hardly have time to myself. my room is getting messier and i have become a bit disorganised. i am worried about my studies but i know i will manage somehow. i just need to stay focus and discipline myself to stick to the plan. i am so eager to make it work and i know nothing will stop me now.i haven't had the opportunity to visit my brother cos i have been going for my driving lessons every weekend.

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the test is around the corner and i am almost running out of weekends for the lessons. i had to lose one lesson cos i cannot postpone nor can i cancell it cos it has been booked and paid. i will be away this weekend to register for school, make visa applications and arrange for my accomodations. i got to do so many things with so little time. that leaves me only one weekend and weekdays evening before the test to have my driving lessons. i have to squeeze 2 practical lessons in one day which is on the test date itself. it looks like i have lots of things to do this month.

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i have many major things to fullfil and i hope i am not going to be exhausted. i will be in KL this friday till monday, back to singapore to work, sit for my driving test on 29th july and then leaves for KL the very next day to start school on 1st august and then i have to be back to singapore on 4th august for the process of purchasing the house and then i think i am going back to KL again. oh my god...i think this year will be the busiest year for me and let's hope i will live through it. the class starts 11th of july but it looks like i have to miss three weeks of lessons before i am able to join the class. oh diary, everything happens so fast and everything needs to be done immediately. there's no time to lose and waste. i am really hoping that i will pass my driving test at the first time so that i do not have to schedule a retest and spend my weekend learning how to drive all over again. what's even worse, i have to come up with money to pay for the extra lessons again. if i have to i would but i will definitely try not to have to go through all the hassles again. it would be very tiring for me and definitely lots of hard work.

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i am preparing a list of my friends in KL whom i can call for help in times of emergency. JC, Traveller, chicken pie, ladyvogue, chatmate, loudspeaker, wira, big sister, durian, little brother, cutie, spring, aneroxic, taj mahal, joel, golden, reporter and well, i guess that's about it. there are some that i left out because i do not feel comfortable with them anymore. you know diary, russia is still in the dark about my coming to kl for good end of this month. i am not sure if she would be interested to know. we have not been keeping in touch for a long time now and it is kind of awkward. i am not sure if i am comfortable calling her for help if i need to when i am there. things have really changed between us and there is no comfort in our friendship anymore. that's what and how i really feel nowadays about russia. i guess it takes sometimes for this feeling to go away. but i am sure the news of my arrival to kl for good will make her smiles perhaps. well i dunno, only time will tell. however, i am sure i will not be calling her if i ever need any help as i don't want her to have the impression that i take her as a friend for convenience.

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that is the reason why i am excluding some of my friends from the list too. people can get on the wrong side of you sometimes.it is ironic that psychologist and pontianak have been erased from my friends list otherwise going to school would be more fun. sometimes i wonder how would it be like if we were still friends. i don't regret the fact that i stayed away from them but i do regret how our friendships or relationships have turned out to be. i guess this is how life is, even the prophet was not liked by everybody let alone us, humans. but it is a good thing that i have stayed away from them, i don't feel down and i don't feel lousy about myself anymore. it helps to boost my confidence back.

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i really wonder how does my late brother's grave look like now. haven't been there for awhile now. mom and dad have placed the mini garden gate around his grave. did i tell you why diary? mom told me his grave looks clean and beautiful now. i trimmed the flowers 2 months ago when we came. there are 3 marbles on his grave. they have been there since 9 months ago. all of us don't know where they came from but i am sure they were probably placed there by one of his friends who came to visit him. we didn't take the marbles out. we just left them there. i miss him diary and knowing that i will be leaving singapore soon makes me misses him even more. i feel it right here in my heart that i longed for him. i know where he is now and i hope he's doing fine there. if only he were still alive, i am sure he would be excited for me.

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you know diary, when he was sick, i was hoping that he would live through it. it didn't matter if he was paralysed, all i wanted was for him to stay alive. i didn't want to lose him. none of us wanted to lose him. i guess each one of us had this silent unwritten wish for him to stay alive regardless in what state he was. but we have to admit defeat to the almighty and acknowledge that he's not coming back.

hello kuala lumpur goodbye singapore

dear diary,

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i have been thinking of what to write for a long time now that i am infront of you. i am staring at your screen but i can't seem to have the idea of what to write. it is funny because i had a couple of things that i wanted to write to you about the topic today but nothing seems to be flowing out naturally.

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i have mix feelings about what i am going to do in 21 more days but yet i know it is all i ever wanted to do in life. i feel sad now and i also feel afraid and regret. somehow i know that when i leave...mom and dad will be by thmselves and my brother will be the only one left to take care of them. i cannot depend on my youngest brother since he does not stay with us. furthermore i have always felt that there are only my eldest brother and i now. my youngest brother is always excluded.

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i don't know diary...but all i am feeling now is sad.for the first time in my life, i will be away from my parents. i am beginning to feel afraid. i have never been away from them and knowing that i will be away is making me feeling so small without them. all these while i knew they are there to defend and protect me but now...they will be far and i am afraid. i thought of my late brother and if only he were still alive at least i would feel much better and protected. i have always felt that he was the hero in our family. he was the superman you know. tall big and strong but now he is gone...it's such a waste. i cannot get over this feeling of being secured and safe without him. for the first time in my life, i feel like a coward.

it's coming true now...

dear diary,

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it is true that people say you can plan but ultimately it is all in his hands. i planned to be there in January 2006 but the school called me yesterday and i had to spontaneously change my plan to july this year which is now. it is rather a rush for me but i think i have made the right decision. i have discussed it with my parents and they have agreed to allow me to leave at such a short notice.

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dad seemed reluctant and is worried about something while mum seemed cool and relax but i knew she is hiding her worries. i have to call the school again tomorrow to ask if i can register on the 16th of july. class commences on the 12th of july but it looks like i have to miss classes for 3 weeks cos i'll only be able to start class on 1st august since i still have to work till end july. i wonder what will my boss feel since he only expects me to leave by december this year.

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oh boy, breaking the news to him seems to be the hardest thing to do. i still can't believe it diary. my dream has come true and the day i have been waiting for all my life is here. my driving test is on 29th of july, i think i am going to need to do some Sunnat Hajat prayer. i need to get my license by end of july and book the car immediately. i have to call the school to arrange for my accomodation. looks like i have to put up at the school hostel temporarily before i am able to get a suitable place for myself. i still can't believe it, i still can't believe that the day is finally here. everybody is excited for me diary. i broke the news to little sister and she was so happy that she started to think how would it be like when we meet. i began to having some imaginations of my own as well. i told chicken pie about the news and yes she was excited for me too. she started to tell me that we could hang out at some mamak sidewalk cafes for supper. haa!! see, i have started to speak like malaysian already. nobody says mamak in singapore. well, if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well.

nobody will dirty it anymore...

dear diary,

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so many things happened and i just don't know if it is appropriate to tell you. well you see, 1st july was my brother's first death anniversary and i didn't get to visit him cos i had other commitments and believe me, i have been very busy all year. we bought a mini fence for his grave to avoid people from using his grave as footpath to the other graves. it has been a year now and some graves around his have not been made yet. the ground is muddy cos the grass has not fully grown and so people going to other graves near to his always step on his ceramic tiles as a pathway to their destination dirtying his grave indirectly. i guess most of them are the contractors hired by the dead family members to make their dead's relatives graves. these contractors can be very insensitive most of the times. the cemeteries are their office and it seems that sometimes they do not have respect for the dead.

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there was a complain in the paper about a graveyard contractor who in the course of his work, place a pail on the middle of one cemetery. if the dead were to be alive it would looked as if the contractor had put the pail on his or her stomach. coincidentally, a relative of the respective dead person's happened to visit him or her at that time and he confronted the contractor and there was a bit of a commotion. i could understand how did the relative of the dead feel because i am sure i would do the same like he did if i saw someone disrespect my brother's grave like that. probably i would have hit and fight with whoever did that.

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my brother may be dead but his spirit still lives on inside me till eternity. i didn't get to help my other family members cleaned and decorated his grave. but i was told that it is very cleaned now and looks very nice. now, no one can dirty his grave anymore since we have fenced it. things are getting from bad to worse about my friendship with driver. hippo is being difficult with driver and it looks like driver is pretty unhappy with me. i guess he is upset with how i handled the situation. i never back him up when a misunderstanding between him and hippo occured, instead i always seemed to back hippo.

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i have tried to be fair but i have seen with my own eyes how driver turned hippo's house into a pigsty and i have known the fact of his untrustworthiness. so how on earth can he expect me to back him up at situations like that? driver is a good person but he is just messed up sometimes. he doesn't know when to shut up and when to talk and worse of all, he doesn't appreciate secrets. i cannot have such friends anymore and i guess it is time to let him go. my help have been regarded as an act of insincerity by him and he accused me of being ungrateful. those are cheap talk by him and i knew he was very dissatisfied with me because i did not at all defended him when he had a misunderstanding with hippo. if he wanted to take it all out on me, fine by all means. but he has to remember i knew him too well to let him win the verbal battle. i will squashed him and squeze all the juice out of him and i will leave him dry till there's nothing for him to talk anymore.

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i will bruise his ego till he feels the pain so much that he wouldn't even dare to lift his face to look me in the eye. i will attack him at every corner and will not let him talk till i am finish and by the time i am finished, he's too ashamed to even look at himself in the mirror. i am not revengeful but a man got to do what a man got to do. it's a pity that our friendship has to end this way but i guess it's destined to be this way. people live and people die, friends come and friends go it is just the way it is. in the end only yourself matters, not him, not her and not them. i have graduated from the days when i think that kindness is omnipotent. experiences have wise me up and from my observations it doesn't really matter how you are.

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if people want to be rude to you, they will and nothing can stop them. i had a little misunderstanding with little sister last night. it started from my conversation about driver and the money he has yet to return to me. little sister meant well when she said the things she said, it's just that i was dissapointed with her reaction. probably i took it to heart and it just happened that i was a little more sensitive than usual. i knew she was just concern over my welfare and probably said the things she said to me with good intention but i took it wrongly. i left her calls unanswered many times and i think i made her felt so restless and sad. i didn't mean to make her feel that way diary but how can she expected me to talk to her when i didn't want to talk anymore?

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i felt bad toward her but i was pretty turned off that day and i knew if i were to pick up her call, i wouldn't say anything and that would be a waste on her phone bills. i called her this morning though and she sounded very tired cos she has not slept since last night. immediately, i felt bad for making her restless like that. i listened to her voice while she talked and i wished i were beside her so i could wrap her around my arms. she's so sweet you know diary. she scolded me for not picking up her calls and for telling her to leave me alone. she didn't want me to repeat what happened last night again. i feel so blessed with her you know. she brings back the sparkle in my eyes and i think she made me see the good side of having a girlfriend. this is the fun thing with having a girlfriend, you quarell sometimes and you laugh sometimes. your life will get spiced up if you just use the right ingredients. she's ok now i guess, hope she will be back to her usual self.