dear diary,
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it has been three weeks since i last visited the cemetery. i have been so busy lately that i hardly have time to myself. my room is getting messier and i have become a bit disorganised. i am worried about my studies but i know i will manage somehow. i just need to stay focus and discipline myself to stick to the plan. i am so eager to make it work and i know nothing will stop me now.i haven't had the opportunity to visit my brother cos i have been going for my driving lessons every weekend.
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the test is around the corner and i am almost running out of weekends for the lessons. i had to lose one lesson cos i cannot postpone nor can i cancell it cos it has been booked and paid. i will be away this weekend to register for school, make visa applications and arrange for my accomodations. i got to do so many things with so little time. that leaves me only one weekend and weekdays evening before the test to have my driving lessons. i have to squeeze 2 practical lessons in one day which is on the test date itself. it looks like i have lots of things to do this month.
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i have many major things to fullfil and i hope i am not going to be exhausted. i will be in KL this friday till monday, back to singapore to work, sit for my driving test on 29th july and then leaves for KL the very next day to start school on 1st august and then i have to be back to singapore on 4th august for the process of purchasing the house and then i think i am going back to KL again. oh my god...i think this year will be the busiest year for me and let's hope i will live through it. the class starts 11th of july but it looks like i have to miss three weeks of lessons before i am able to join the class. oh diary, everything happens so fast and everything needs to be done immediately. there's no time to lose and waste. i am really hoping that i will pass my driving test at the first time so that i do not have to schedule a retest and spend my weekend learning how to drive all over again. what's even worse, i have to come up with money to pay for the extra lessons again. if i have to i would but i will definitely try not to have to go through all the hassles again. it would be very tiring for me and definitely lots of hard work.
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i am preparing a list of my friends in KL whom i can call for help in times of emergency. JC, Traveller, chicken pie, ladyvogue, chatmate, loudspeaker, wira, big sister, durian, little brother, cutie, spring, aneroxic, taj mahal, joel, golden, reporter and well, i guess that's about it. there are some that i left out because i do not feel comfortable with them anymore. you know diary, russia is still in the dark about my coming to kl for good end of this month. i am not sure if she would be interested to know. we have not been keeping in touch for a long time now and it is kind of awkward. i am not sure if i am comfortable calling her for help if i need to when i am there. things have really changed between us and there is no comfort in our friendship anymore. that's what and how i really feel nowadays about russia. i guess it takes sometimes for this feeling to go away. but i am sure the news of my arrival to kl for good will make her smiles perhaps. well i dunno, only time will tell. however, i am sure i will not be calling her if i ever need any help as i don't want her to have the impression that i take her as a friend for convenience.
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that is the reason why i am excluding some of my friends from the list too. people can get on the wrong side of you sometimes.it is ironic that psychologist and pontianak have been erased from my friends list otherwise going to school would be more fun. sometimes i wonder how would it be like if we were still friends. i don't regret the fact that i stayed away from them but i do regret how our friendships or relationships have turned out to be. i guess this is how life is, even the prophet was not liked by everybody let alone us, humans. but it is a good thing that i have stayed away from them, i don't feel down and i don't feel lousy about myself anymore. it helps to boost my confidence back.
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i really wonder how does my late brother's grave look like now. haven't been there for awhile now. mom and dad have placed the mini garden gate around his grave. did i tell you why diary? mom told me his grave looks clean and beautiful now. i trimmed the flowers 2 months ago when we came. there are 3 marbles on his grave. they have been there since 9 months ago. all of us don't know where they came from but i am sure they were probably placed there by one of his friends who came to visit him. we didn't take the marbles out. we just left them there. i miss him diary and knowing that i will be leaving singapore soon makes me misses him even more. i feel it right here in my heart that i longed for him. i know where he is now and i hope he's doing fine there. if only he were still alive, i am sure he would be excited for me.
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you know diary, when he was sick, i was hoping that he would live through it. it didn't matter if he was paralysed, all i wanted was for him to stay alive. i didn't want to lose him. none of us wanted to lose him. i guess each one of us had this silent unwritten wish for him to stay alive regardless in what state he was. but we have to admit defeat to the almighty and acknowledge that he's not coming back.
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