21 Hrs Non Sleep Marathon....

Dear Diary,

I came back to Singapore on Saturday and I did not get home immediately when I arrived. My family fetched me and they took me to Changi Exhibition Centre. On the way there, we stopped at Bedok Corner to buy take away dinner. I bought my favourite White Carrot Cake and Nasi Ayam Penyet. I have missed the carrot cake so much that I sometime drool about it.

We headed straight to our destination but we had to stop and parked the car at the cargo complex because the only road that leads us there was closed temporarily. It was for the marathon. The reason why we were going there was to support my brother for his participation in Adidas sundown marathon. I was reluctant to go because I was already so tired from the handover of the house. I handed the keys to the new tenants at 11 in the morning and since then I did get to rest properly. I went to Shah Alam after that for lunch with Sexy Charcoal and came back to Subang Jaya to park my car for Rolly Polly to collect it on Sunday.

My bus to Singapore was at 245 in the afternoon and I took a cab to Holiday Villa from my house. Ops, pardon me Diary, it is no longer a thing I can call mine anymore. I had planned to sleep on the bus but I didn’t. I knew I won’t be able to sleep because I am not the kind to sleep on wheels. I just can’t. Even how tired I am, I will still be awake. So there I was on the bus watching movies from my seat, watching the road and reminiscing how I spent my last days in Subang Jaya.

I arrived Singapore at 8 in the evening and when I saw my mum, I felt a thud in my heart. I wanted to tell her how sad I am to leave Subang Jaya but I couldn’t because I knew she is happy to have me back living under the same roof as she does. So there and then, I began my journey of 21 hours without sleep. I had been awake from 8 am in Subang Jaya until 6am in Singapore the next day. My brother’s marathon only started at 12 midnight and I waited for him to finish in between my so very uncomfortable sleep in the car. I slept like how a chicken sleeps. I was tired, sweaty, untidy, angry, sad, uncomfortable and sleepy. I did not watch my brother run at the starting point, instead I waited for my brother at the finishing line and how I thank God that he runs fast.

He finished the marathon 5 hours later and Diary, believe me, he smelled like a rusty iron! I was surrounded by hundreds of marathon runners then and my God, the smell was horrendous! If I were in an incinerator, I would have understand because there are just garbage but this, in a sea of sweating humans who just ran an 84km marathon! You have to be there and you will know the misery I was in. There was the smell of sweat and not to mention body odour that you could smell when the wind blows right into your face. At that moment, how I deemed the importance of a face mask.

Waiting for my brother to finish the race, I saw many runners who came in earlier than he did. Watching them cross the finishing line can be quite an entertainment actually. I saw their running styles and I laughed to myself although how I would love if I could laugh out loud about it. I saw men who ran like women and vice versa, runners who ran with joy upon reaching the finishing line being very oblivious to the surroundings. They jumped, shouted and did funny actions to show thriumph. I was entertained Diary. At least that made me laughed a little and at the height of my laughter, I felt the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.

That Is Love Isn't It Diary?

Dear Diary,

Here I am in Subang Jaya spending my last days in the house I called my sanctuary. I am giving up this house finally after trying hard to keep it. I soothe myself by believing that giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. Most of my personal belongings have been moved to Tangkak and what is left in this house are just empty furniture and memories I once created. The rooms are mostly empty like my heart, hollow and broken. It is not about loneliness. It is about leaving the place and people I feel so comfortable with. All my thoughts just seem to settle on one person and she is Flying Babe for the reason that sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. 

I met her on Sunday and the moment I saw her after all those times I kept my silent, I knew it is still love I feel for her. In her presence I can feel the magic floating in the air, being with her gets me that way. I swear I have never felt swept away with love that way. That is love isn’t it Diary? If it is not love, tell me what it is. In a way, I know my heart is waking up to what I have been missing all these times. Is it a little too late now? I am leaving this place that brought me to her and just as I am leaving, I finally found the courage to meet her.

Many times, I would just play with the figures and facts about her well being, putting my own assumptions to fix the puzzles I have about her. I wanted to know how she is but I was too afraid to be bold with her. It has never been easy for me. It is just a shame for me to wake up this late. I wish I had woken up earlier to realize what I had to do to fix my broken heart or rather to fix hers. Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. I had a major nervous breakdown the minute she entered my car. I froze in silence and I could feel the sweat in my palms in her presence. She is a woman who is so fine in my eyes and such a dear to my heart. I swear I would do anything for this woman. There is no need for words right now because it would be describing something that is beyond descriptions. That is love isn’t it Diary?

She did not have any make up on her face because it was never necessary for her. She has this natural beauty that can launch thousands of ships. I brought her back down the memory lane where I first met her, somewhere only both of us know where I first fell in love with her and where she stole the key to my heart. Diary, can you feel the love I feel for this woman? It is as strong as a diamond that it hardly breaks. Now, I do not even know if I would survive if she has found a new love. I did not ask neither did she ask me. I supposed both of us were enveloped with certain frenzy of excitement accompanied with nerve wrecking sentiments. That is love isn’t it Diary?

I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I can hardly breathe. Looking in her eyes I see many memories of us, I never realized how happy she made me. Diary, if my heart could speak as loudly as how my mouth speaks, I swear I would have told her straight in her face that I still have so much love for her. How I wanted to tell her that I spent nights crying I got choked with my own tears. I wanted to tell her that I am still drowning in her love. How I have longed to hear her sweet voice, to feel the softness of her skin and to hold her in my arms again. I wanted her to know since the day I left, I have been walking, working, barely breathing, my thoughts; far away, heart aching, mind racing and sleep did not come easily, nor last long. I got lost in her heart, lost in her eyes, lost every day, no map to follow entire days, weeks, a blur flickers of light, in the darkness, only to be enveloped in shadows once more. There she was with me and I couldn’t spit out the words. That is love isn’t it Diary?

I feel so much for her that I could only afford to pray silently for her. I wish I could do more but I couldn’t. I sent her back and when we got to her house, memories brought me back to the time I sent her home after our very first date. This time, happiness did not embrace me, instead I felt sad because I knew I will not be able to see her again. I am not sure when I am coming back. All I knew I could be leaving Subang Jaya and all the love I have here for an indefinite time.

I did not look her in the eyes when she got out of the car as I knew I would break down and cry if it were to happen. I did not even look at her while she looked at me before she left. I wish I were strong enough to hold her hands and do something good to be remembered. I wanted the meeting to have a happy ending but how could that happen when all I could do was cry. My heart has yearned for her for so many days and when she was there I stumbled and fall, suffocated on my own passion. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. The joy of meeting pays the pangs of absence. The best things said come last.  People will talk for hours saying nothing much and then linger at the door with words that come with a rush from the heart.

I never stopped writing to her since I met her. I spent my days writing her letters with stories. Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. I wanted to keep her company even if I couldn’t be there for her at least I make my presence felt in the form of writing because that is what I do best. I know she enjoys reading my letters. She has said it many times. When we met she told me her stories and wishes. I listened and how I wished I could be a part of it all or at least make it happen for her. This love I have for her has not died nor withered. Sometimes I ask myself when I will stop. I do not know but I have promised myself that I will keep on writing until the day she asks me to stop. I am not going to be tired of chafing my heart against the want of her; of squeezing it into little ink drops and posting it. That is love isn’t it Diary?

People would probably think that I am actually in love with the idea of loving her but not having her. I talk so much about her to you without telling that I am going to make her mine again. How could I when I am in difficult situations; lost without hope. Who can deny that love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses? The circumstances that I am facing are probably the biggest obstacles I have to face. It is not easy to leave like this. If I could do a miracle, that would be to fix my circumstances but I can’t. Every road that I have taken led to where I am now and I do not even know if I am going to make it. If I could put your hand on my chest, you could probably feel that my heart is breaking bits by bits into small pieces that you can never put together back. This is love Diary and it hurts so much to love like this. Where I used to be, there is a hole which I find myself constantly walking in the daytime and falling in at night. There used to be a light shining on me to guide me on the path but it is long gone now.

Diary, someone once told me that I will eventually have somebody soon coming my way to shine that light again. How can it be when I am not opening my heart to anybody else? It is closed, shut tightly. I have tried but if it is her all I think about, teach me how to love again. I know sadness flies on the wings of time and out of the heart of darkness comes the light. I spent all my time waiting for that second chance at times I find some reasons to make up for all the things that I lack. I feel inadequate, hopeless to love like this. I will most likely remain single for as long as it takes because as much as I cannot force things to go back to the way they were, I cannot force myself to stop loving her. Perhaps someone else might come along the way and steals my heart after all the past is behind us, love is in front and all around us, what are we worth without love anyway?

Being In Solitude Does Not Denote Loneliness

Dear Diary,

Have you ever wondered what makes a man strong as an individual and a person altogether? I have never thought of this until recently. What happened to my life recently has made me stop to ponder. It is not something big but it has left an impact in my life. I still remember when I came to Malaysia 5 years ago. As much as how I was excited, I was also sad and lonely.

I was excited because I achieved my dream to live in KL, lonely because that was the first time I had ever been apart from my family and sad because I was still overwhelmed by the death of my brother. I was not seeing anybody at that time, and to tell you the truth, friends who invited me to move over to KL was just nowhere to accompany me. I had to learn the culture there and I realized that Singapore and Malaysia have so many differences even though they are a stone throw away from each other.

Living there without my own transport also taught me how inconvenience it was to get to places. Friends that I thought I had made simply did not bother to call me out to hang. Perhaps it was the trouble to fetch and send me back that became a turn off to them. I did not call them to hang either because I was not impressed by the public transport system there. Furthermore, I knew I would be an inconvenience. So I was practically alone during my early days there until I moved out of the hostel and got my own car. Having a car there was like having your key to freedom when you just turned 21.

But still, I was lonely and sad because I was all alone. Having the house all to myself and a car for me to go places do not mean a thing when I cannot celebrate them with the people I call friends. There was a few who hung out with me but that hang out seemed like the first and last time for us. I began to understand that it was not just about having your own transport but it was also about the kind of friendships I have with the people whom I thought were my friends.

I was wrong in thinking that I have made friends out of them when they were merely acquaintances. I have learnt the differences between the former and latter. Since then, I did not bother much about wanting to have their company because I knew it then, who they were to me. I stopped hoping and expecting that they would remember to invite me for their party or movie or just some drink sessions at a Mamak. I learnt to get used being by myself until Manhattan came into my life followed by Infinity.

When I had Infinity in my life, honest to God loneliness was not in my vocabulary anymore. She was like my shadow, we never became apart since day one we were together. And then, came the day when we broke up. I felt like the whole world crumbled upon me. I had to get used to being alone again and worst of all lonely. Loneliness was really a disease that kills people softly. To be lonely is far worst than being poor.

Tears became the food to my soul and countless sticks of cigarettes became my only friend. Recoverig myself from the aftermath of the break up was absolutely an ordeal. I did it alone with very minimal support from friends. I took my time healing so it hurts but simultaneously, it cures too. I got used doing things and going to places alone. It was really a challenge but I did it somehow. I never allowed myself to be dependent on others to put a smile on my face instead I filled up my time with hobbies and chores of all sorts.

I remembered how I broke down infront of Dark Chocolate in her car. She did not say a thing. She just let me cried. I remembered how I spent the night crashing at Pumpkin's place and watched TV instead of sharing the stories. I had to make few decisions that would really changed my entire life after the break up. I did and I am very proud of myself. I have made it this far now Diary and I am not turning back.

I never want to go through that phase again. Since I am back to Singapore, a few people I have known are experiencing the aftermath of a break up with their partners. I see myself in them 2 years ago. They are lost and struggling to find their way back home. They try to find comfort in someone else hoping to feel better or at least less upset and less broken. At times, I feel sorry for them but at the same time I feel impatient. I looked at them and wondered if I had looked like that then. Perhaps I did without realising it.

I feel somewhat angry with them for not being able to withstand this phase of their life alone because I did it on my own. To grieve is the remedy and everybody knows that time is the great healer. But it is of utmost importance that we learn how to grieve alone. We cannot depend on people or friends to make us happy or to make us forget about him or her. We can have many outings with friends but at the end of the day, when we come back home, we are still on our own. We simply cannot escape from reminiscing about the past. When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves.

I suppose many of us failed to realize that there are many alternatives to overcome pain and hurt after break ups besides having friends around. It is alarming how most people only resort to confide in friends without trying to deal with it alone. We overlooked the fact that inside ourselves is a place where we all live all alone, and that's where we renew our springs that never dry up. I spent a year recovering myself, Diary. I spent the whole of 2008 grieving, recovering and rejuvenating. I did not write to you at all during those times. I spent 2008 losing myself, exploring what I had missed since I was attached.

Living there has taught me not to be dependent on others to make myself happy. Living there also taught me to try to face adversities alone on my own, welcome any moral supports offered with open arms and embrace loneliness with bravery and courage. Most people fear of being alone because they fear loneliness and not having someone to fall back in sadness and happiness but I am beginning to enjoy it because it teaches me to become independent spiritually and strong emotionally. There is nothing greater than having dared to be on your own and strongly believe you are responsible for your own happiness.

I have realized that anything I have ever done that ultimately was worthwhile, initially scared me to death. The way you overcome loneliness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid. Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them because being on your own does not denote loneliness. No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.

So what is it that makes us strong as an individual and a person altogether? I would say daring to make it alone because loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.

Going Back To Basics

Dear Diary,

It is Sunday and I am at home enjoying the music coming from a Malay wedding at the void deck of my house. At the same time, I am also enjoying the sounds coming from my television set. Living on the second storey, I get a clear view of the wedding and I am very impressed by it. Apparently, the wedding planner has engaged many Malay traditional groups to entertain the guests.

There were ‘Dikir Barat’, ‘Ghazal’, ‘Nasyid’, ‘Gamelan’, ‘Kompang’ and traditional dancers doing the thing they do best. I can hear them from my house and honestly I quite enjoyed the songs they performed and the music they played from the traditional music instruments. It has been awhile I know of weddings that engaged the services of those traditional entertainment groups. Mostly, the service of a Dee Jay would be sought after in this modern times but not for this particular wedding. I really like their wedding even though I do not know them personally but I am happy and somewhat proud that they are willing to showcase something different and chose to be traditional.

Diary, how are you? The weather is fair today. It was sunny in the morning and rainy in the afternoon. I think it is going to be a cold night tonight and it would be perfect to burn the midnight oil. I am going to study for my CEA examination Diary. I don’t know how much I can absorb but I am hopeful to learn as much as possible.

I was running through my organizer and I saw the date when I registered for the in-house course at my real estate agency. It has been two months Diary. I will not say that I haven’t made much progress just because I have not closed any deals yet. I have made considerable progress looking at my two months journey. It is just that I have not market my service and myself aggressively yet. But I have done quite a lot in these two months since I’m in this industry. I have gone for the in-house course, road shows, did my own flyers, got my name cards, get my badge done, I went for the CEA course, about to sit for the exam to be a qualified real estate agent and now I am just waiting for my flyers to be done so I can do door to door farming. What do you think Diary?

To be honest, at times I do question if what my manager had said about me is true. Perhaps I am slow in my actions but then again, whatever that I need to do to market myself needs money and you know I am very short of cash right now. I need to wait for available cash only then I am able to go all out. It is good enough that I have signed up for what’s most important for me first such as the CEA course, otherwise I would not be able to practice as an agent after the government’s latest regulation.

You know Diary, I know I feel demoralized at times, I guess everybody do get that occasionally. I believe hypothetically we all need something or someone to make us motivated again. You know like how drug addicts need drugs to be in that state again or how humans need food to gain energy. I suppose motivations and inspirations are food for the soul that turns into courage in oneself. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. Everybody knows nobody can do everything alone. There will be someone behind every man’s success. However, if it is not someone, it must be something.

I suppose for me right now it is what I want to prove to so many people that keeps me going. It is the need to be somebody for my parents, my family and myself. Success does not happen instantaneously. Talking about success brings me to my encounter with a fellow new agent when I attended one of the trainings. He smugly told my friends and I about how he went to a motivational camp and learnt of the difference between farming and fishing. He said you know what you are going to get when you farm because you can choose what you want to farm. However, you cannot choose what kind of fish you want to get when you go fishing.

So a minute after he enthusiastically told us that story, he received a text message from his potential client who wished him many thanks for the many text messages on properties he sent this potential client. Upon reading the message, he regretfully and annoyingly said out loud,

“Why say thanks to me, give me a cheque and a deal to close lah”

At that point, I smiled at him and prompted him of the story he just told us.

“You don’t grow what you farm overnight, and the fish won’t bite your bait instantly after you throw it into the sea. It takes time for things to happen and patience is the main element.”

He was taken aback by my comments but he did not counter comment me. So I just thought I would throw him another,

“You get the chicken by hatching the eggs you know….you don’t get a chicken by smashing the eggs.”

And I gave him a wink. Ultimately, I realized actions and the most fundamental component is essential in one’s chase to his goals. We must not leave home without it.

The Power Suits and My Dreams

Dear Diary,

There is an Orientation in the office that I have to attend tomorrow. I did not plan to go but since I already wished my manager happy birthday today, he reminded me of the orientation and I do not think it is a good idea for me to absent myself. The attendance is not compulsory though but it is good to attend if I want to know the latest updates of projects in my company. I hope I will see some familiar faces in the orientation as I really hate to mingle with faces so unknown that I only think of them as aliens.

How are you my dear Diary? I have been writing to you but I believe I have not asked your well being for a long time. Pardon me Diary, please accept my most sincere apologies. I hope you are in the pink of health and is celebrating every moment of your life with joy. Here I am again to update you of my life journey to success, so to speak. *grins*

I have sent my flyers for printing and they will be ready in two weeks time. I paid 99 dollars for 12,500 pieces. I got it at a discounted price and I am grateful that the promotion is still available when I decided to do the flyers. The minimum pieces to order are at 25000 for 199 dollars but I got to do it at half the quantity at half the price. I have done up my latest transacted prices for resale flats in my geographical targeted area and I will send them for printing tomorrow.

When they are ready, I have to staple them together with every sheet of the flyers. I could have asked the printer to include the latest transacted prices in the flyers but since I got it at promotional price, they will not include the transacted prices. I have to do it myself Diary. I am not complaining, I am just telling you what I have done lately to market my service. Once the flyers are ready I will do door to door canvassing. We call it farming in real estate. From the farming, every agent hopes to harvest on its fruits.

Oh Diary, I have finished my CEA class and the exam is on the 19th of May. Approximately, I have about 5 days to study for the exam and when I do passed, I will be a certified real estate agent and do not have to worry about the new rulings that was announced 2 weeks ago. I am going to read through my notes and make sure I pass my exam because I certainly do not want to re-sit for the exam.

I went shopping with mum yesterday. Mum bought me a pair of shoes and 3 pieces of tops. I really need them Diary. I do not know where all my business wears gone to since I moved to Malaysia and back to Singapore. My clothes are scattered at different houses and it is such an inconvenience for me. It has really been a long time since I was in a suit. Oh gosh, I am really excited to wear all those power suits again. You know I have always desire to be in suits, it gives me the confidence and a sense of authority everytime I wear one because after all clothes make the men, naked people have little or no influence over society, right?

Well Diary, I got to go. I feel blessed for whatever I have in the future that awaits me. I am visualizing good things in my path because I just learnt from someone today not to let my problems pushed me to success but let my dreams be the one.

Jack of All Trades No More

Dear Diary,

If you have noticed, I have posted two video clips on you and I have to admit that I have no other reasons except that I want to try something that I have never done before on my blogs since I started in 2004. You know I have always like writing than posting pictures or video clips on blogs. I am never good with drawings and I am never artistic in anything else except for writings. So when I created a blog, I dedicate my blog to my writings. What else can you do with your blogs other than write? It is not like a conventional diary or journal where it can double up as a scrap book.

I have received many comments privately about my writings. Most of them are encouraging but I strongly believe that I write because I want to write with a passion and not because of the attentions I might get from it. It is my labour of love and I expect no rewards neither acknowledgements. Writing about my life has given me an opportunity to reflect on what I have achieved over the last 6 years. And it also marked the anniversary of my brother’s death. At times, I wonder if my brother hadn’t passed on, would I have created this blog.

I think I still would but perhaps later than 2004. You know I have started writing since 2003 but that was before I started blogging. Do you remember that article I wrote that got published in the paper? I was 17 then. The feeling of seeing your name printed in bold black ink is just beyond description. Knowing that almost all Singaporeans would read your article is just an extraordinary feeling. And another article I wrote that was chosen as a ticket for me to attend a free writing workshop organized by the Straits Times Singapore.

Privately, I wonder what is it that I am made up to be. I have tried everything from studying to working to writing and to having my own business. I succeeded but I did not finish what I started. It seems to me that I almost fit to be a jack of all trades. It is good to be an all rounder but I must bear in mind that a jack of all trades is a master of none.

Just about tonight, I attended my last class of CEA. The lecturer told us that being a real estate consultant is not easy. It has never been easy. There is a lot of paper works involved in real estate than in insurance industry. Now Diary, I know I am never a fan of paper works. I hate form fillings to the extent that I always skip filling in forms when there is a need. You can give me any physical works and I will do them diligently but never give me any paper works because I hate them so much. However, I have realized the reason why I came back to Singapore. I want to make big money here so I can have the money to go back to Subang Jaya to turn my dreams into reality once again. Real estate will give me that opportunity and with paper works or no paper works, I am going to get my ass work on it until I make it right.

I will not complain neither will I whine. I will submit myself to the demands to being good at it by hook or by crook. I will give what it takes and bend till I break. I cannot make excuses for myself anymore Diary because beggars cannot be choosers. I am jack of all trades no more. Wealth is my priority now.

Someday Lyrics Rob Thomas

Dear Diary,

This song is to Flying Babe, you and all the love on earth.....

Lift My Spirit Up...

Dear Diary,

You wouldn’t believe what I did when I was in Subang Jaya. After I came back from Tangkak, I spent some time in the house chatting with Gummy Bear. We chatted about life and stuffs until we got to the time when she had to leave. After she left, I waited for Manhattan to come by to take back her TV rack. I have used it for all the time I was in Malaysia and I supposed it was time to return it back to the rightful owner. When she had taken her TV rack, I was all alone in that house with less furniture than before and somehow it made me feel a little weird, lonely and sad.

I started to scroll the list of friends I have in store my mobile. You know it is a new phone isn‘t Diary? I did not store many numbers in it, just the important ones. As I was scrolling down, I saw Flying Babe’s number and I paused. I had already made an appointment with another friend of mine but I thought I would just take the risk and ask her out anyway.

She did not reply until I was at a mamak with my friends and I tell you Diary, the minute she replied, my mind wandered to a place I have never been before. I was not paying attention to my friends. They seemed to talk to me but I cannot grasp what they were saying. I felt like I was in a wonderland. Can you imagine the feelings I felt? It took me two and a half years to ask her out after we broke up. I dared to write her letters but I never dared to ask her out until that moment. Oh Diary, it was spontaneous, I have to admit and I don’t know when I will find the courage again to ask her out.

We did not meet because she was already outside running errands and I can understand that because it was really unplanned you know. I was really ready to excuse myself from my friends if she had said ‘yes’. I was somewhat disappointed but I kept my cool and tried not to show it in my reply to her text. She apologized. She told me it was so sudden of me to ask her out. She said she really wanted to see me but she was already in the middle of her plans.

I came home feeling very tired. I did not feel sad instead I felt satisfied. I finally had the guts to ask her out. Kudos to me! I tried watching TV but my eyes gave up on me and I went to bed without any pillows, blanket or fan to keep me cool. All that is left in the house was the most fundamental furniture that fit human habitation. It was strange how I did not sweat at all while sleeping that night. It was also strange that I had a sound sleep that night. The loneliness and sadness did not get the better of me.

When I was on the bus to Singapore the next day, I received a text message from Flying Babe. In her message, she asked where was I. I just crossed the border that separates Singapore from Malaysia when I got her message and I let out a small sigh. If I had stayed for another day, I could have met her. How I wanted so much to look her in the eyes and talk to her. How I longed to sit beside her and smell the scent of her hair, to just be close to her just laying my eyes at her sweet face. I could have achieved my deepest wishes and brought home with me a new spirit. At least that would motivate me somehow but I guess knowing that she hopes to meet me too is enough to boost my spirit and rekindle my inner-self. Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

May I Find Some Comfort...

Dear Diary,

I am back in Singapore...I miss you for the two days I was away. The house is almost empty. A little bits of pieces of memories still linger though...I need to listen to my song for comfort now...let it heal my soul..

I Think My Spirit Is Climbing

Dear Diary,

I just came back from my first HDB appointment. It was troublesome and time wasting because we had to reschedule it to a later date. The fault lies with the agents. I would say the agents representing the buyer made the simplest silliest mistake for not checking if their client has had enough funds in their Central Provident Fund (CPF) before proceeding with the first appointment. The appointment with the HDB officer turned out to be a discussion on the date to replace this void appointment. I was rather pissed at both my agent and the agents representing the buyer of my house.

To add to the miseries, the officer from HDB was an old man whose breath smells like a dead rat. When he was talking, I kept wondering where the foul smell came from only to realize that it came from his breath. Honest to God, the smell was horrible until I had to cover my nostrils with my finger. How in the world can a man let his breath smells like that especially when his job scope requires him to meet people? I was fidgeting in my seat eager to dash out of the office to inhale fresh air while he was discussing with the agents. I picture myself getting ready for a 100 meter race and immediately when the discussion ended, I ran like I have never run before.

It was a good thing I hadn’t had my breakfast otherwise I am sure I was going to puke in his face. I cannot help myself from wondering how he makes love with his wife. *Chuckles*. Surely, there will be some kissing involve won’t it Diary? That’s how you make love don’t you? You always start from caressing, kissing and then the climax. But how on earth if it's like that? It smells terrible! Oh gee…never mind. I am not supposed to be talking about people. Ok let’s move on Diary.

Diary, being present for the HDB appointment somehow gave me a silent encouragement that I can make it in this industry. I saw some agents who were dressed smartly and some untidy agents as well. Tidy or untidy they were there because they have closed the deals from the leads they had. They turned their leads into their rice bowls and from the many rice bowls they made in a month, those rice bowls can turn into goldmine for some agents. Slowly, my determination is coming back and I foresee the good things to come if I stay focus and keep on doing it until I succeed.

I am going to Subang Jaya tomorrow Diary. I feel so happy because I know I get to see my car and my good friends. Although I have lots to do I will still make time for a birthday party my friend is hosting for her adopted daughter. Isn’t it great to have a daughter? I will adopt someday, I know I will but I am still confuse of where I want to settle down. My number one choice has always been Subang Jaya but I have to work hard from now to have my dreams come true. You know of my intention to coming back to Singapore don’t you Diary?

It is to establish myself here as a real estate agent, earn money in Singapore dollars and then at the same time have some kind of business in the Klang Valley. At least I will have incomes from both countries. That is the plan. No matter where I live, I want to earn in Malaysia and Singapore. It takes some time I know. Come to think of it, it is really not a waste spending my time in Malaysia for 5 years to pursue a law degree. I did not graduate with a law degree but I used my time there exploring the business scenes and learnt the business culture there. Well, it’s still not bad isn’t it Diary? *LOL* I think I got more life experiences running businesses there than to finish law school. Am I saying all these just to make me feel less guilty or less wronged? I don’t think so. *Winks at you*

Gummy bear will ride with me to Tangkak on Saturday. I can’t wait for it. I want to play catching with her in the house. *Grins* and when she sleeps I want to poke her nostrils with the tissue paper. Oh Diary, I don’t think I can leave my mischievious self. It’s so hard not to be mischievious when you are. Diary, I think my spirit is climbing, it is not rocketing but it is climbing.

I got to go Diary. Wish me a safe journey to Subang tomorrow ok, and wish me a safe drive to Tangkak too and back to Subang and back to Singapore. Oh never mind…I think you will get confuse with all the travellings I have to make. Just wish me safe, that will do. Love you Diary.

Living In The New Chapter

Dear Diary,

I went for my CEA class last night and as I got there, I asked the receptionist for the attendance sheet and only then I realized that there was no class last night. This always happen to me. I absent myself when there is class and I present myself when there is no class. I laughed a bit when I realized my silly blunder only to soothe my tired self. It is something that I have learnt during my training. We have to throw the racket. What is done cannot be undone. I should have checked the schedule first before I left home.

Diary, how are you? Is everything okay? In case you are wondering about me, I shall say that I am good only that my eyes are tired from too much laptop. I have been importing more of my old entries from angelfire into blogspot. I have also changed your outlooks and added more gadgets to you. How do you like it Diary? As soon as I am finished, I will delete my account in angelfire. I read some of my old entries and they brought me to the times before I moved to Malaysia. It felt like only yesterday I was there and now I am back to where I came from. I still do not know what to feel about it all Diary. I figured that I simply have to accept it with an open heart. It is hard to adjust but I know I am doing it for my own betterment.

I am making efforts but I am saddened by my surroundings sometimes. At times I feel like I have lost it all. I have no more spirits you know what I mean? This is not who I really am. I have always been the one woman crusader. Never got affected by my surroundings but I guess this time, I am losing it all. I am not giving up but I am recollecting my strengths. Everything came all at once. The giving up of the house, the leasing of my car, leaving Subang Jaya, coming back to Singapore, the new life, new job and many else. I am so broke already but still I have to pull through. Oh Diary, if only I could shout out loud what I feel inside me.

I know I cannot turn back. I have to live my life as it is now. I am trying to turn all the sadness into fuel for my journey into this new chapter of my life. Life is totally like a book isn’t it Diary? We leave one chapter and begin a new one in our life at stages. I will live through it all regardless of the mood of the chapters with perseverance and patience I humbly seek from God. I thank God for giving me the chance to live my life in this chapter to make me a stronger, patient person. I know He will not give me more than what I can take. And I also know that I will get out of this chapter soon with a little bit of patience because Patience is the ability to count down before you blast off. Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. Be with me Diary in this times of my adversities.

Waiting Endlessly To Work

Dear Diary,

It has been two days since I stepped out of the house. I have been lazing at home. I did not go to my CEA class and neither did I go for the training. I just felt lazy. I am not sure why but perhaps it has something to do with the level of motivations I am feeling right now. I have to admit I am not motivational anymore. Or maybe it is because of all the travelling I have made. I knew I would have this coming. I always get this after intense travelling I have made.

I spent my time at home giving you a new look Diary. I hope you like your new look as I have added some of my old write ups. I have included 2 pages on the main page which consist of my thoughts and poems. Reading back the old stuffs, I see how much progress I have made in life. Whenever I am halfway up, I am always halfway down. Oh Diary, now and again I just feel that I am really a late bloomer you know.

I have imported all the poems and thoughts I wrote but I still have to import the older entries for my diary. Can you believe that I started blogging since 2004? It has been 10 years now and I can actually recall what I went through 6 years ago. I still keep in mind how I started blogging. It all started from my brother’s death. Well, I had been writing my thoughts earlier but blogging was not so popular at that time so I created my own homepage and I had all my writings there. I became inactive since I moved to Malaysia and for the whole of 2008, I did not write to you at all. 2008 really was a bad year for me. There were many heartaches and miseries that had happened. I never want to recall 2008.

Diary, I called YOG yesterday and apparently, they also do not know when I start work. I think there are some hiccups about this project. Now I am really having second thoughts to work there. Apart of me wants the job badly but on the contrary, I am pissed with them for making me wait endlessly like this. It is difficult for me because I do not know what’s going on. I was told to start work early April during the interview and when the time came, there were no phone calls at all. When I called them, I was told that I may have to start work on 19th April or probably the 3rd of May. However I am still at home now waiting for their call.

They made me sign the contract so urgently as if I had to start work straight away but they kept me waiting like as though I am a fool. That is what I am so pissed about. Firstly they did not tell me honestly that I may have to wait 2-3 months before I am able to start work. They merely asked me if it is ok for me to start work a month later. If they had been straightforward in the first place, I wouldn’t have taken this job. I could have taken other part time jobs and I could have been earning right now and at least I would have money to fund my marketing cost for the real estate job I am also doing.

Oh Diary, I might visit Subang Jaya this weekend to pack my clothes and all the lose items in the house. I will bring them to Tangkak and put them there. I will have to do it this weekend because I do not want to waste anymore time. I will leave the furniture there and find some used furniture broker to buy them. Most of the furniture is still in good condition especially the fridge and the television set. I will sell the cooking gas to the shop near my house to get back my deposit. I can picture how much sweat I will be having this weekend if everything happens according to plan. There are so many packing and dismantling to do. I really do not mind all the trouble you know but one thing I cannot stand is to bring the stuffs into the car. My house is on the 7th floor and gosh, the journey from the house to the car frightens me.

Did you know that the last time I was there, I had to make 10 trips from my house to the garbage bin downstairs to throw all the old newspaper in the house. And annoyingly most of them were Paranoid’s! She started the culture of collecting the old newspaper in the house and as time goes by, the stack of papers have grown higher and higher. I somewhat knew she will not throw them away and so I put them into the black garbage bags and carried them two by two to the garbage bin downstairs. There were altogether about 16 bags and imagine my sweat Diary when I threw them away.

The thing about apartments in Malaysia is; their basic facilities are not even up to the standard of Singapore flats. They do not have the rubbish chute in the house where residents have the convenience of throwing rubbish right from their house into the chute. Perhaps I have not lived in the apartments that have the facility but I doubt there are many apartments or condominiums in Malaysia that have it. I do not remember having that facility in Seri Maya Condominiums in KL, I do not recall having it in the apartments in Damansara and I definitely do not have that convenience in the current apartment I live in Subang Jaya. From the high end to the low end residential I have lived there, I did not get pleasure from this convenience.

Oh Diary, I am going to talk to my dad about my plan to go Subang Jaya this Saturday and I am going to take a loan from him for my flyers. I am going to do it Diary. I have to begin somewhere. It looks like my manager is not organizing anymore road shows in the near future. He probably thinks that it is a waste of time since I did not get to close any deals from the leads I got in the road shows. Well…never mind…we will just have to wait and see I supposed. I still believe I will make it in this industry. It is still too early to conclude.

I got to go Diary. I love you so much and please take care.

Judge Me All You Want...

Dear Diary,

It is Monday and I am feeling so lost. I came back to Singapore last night. I was in Subang Jaya on Thursday, came back to Singapore on Friday. I went to Johor Bahru on Saturday for a kenduri and drove to Tangkak later in the evening. I spent the night there and drove back to Singapore on Sunday and reached home at 10 at night. Can you imagine all the travelling I have made?

I am so tired and I think I will skip my CEA class tonight. I never celebrated my birthday. I never had actually. Well I probably did a couple of times but I am sure it is not more than five times in my entire life. I hate birthdays and all the attentions. I guess I am a born introvert. I like hiding in my room doing my own stuffs. I only mingle with people I am comfortable with. However, when I get too comfortable with people, I tend to talk a lot. I am like the quietest among the noisiest and the noisiest among the quietest. People often mistook me as someone snobbish and unfriendly but I do not really mind because I get that too often and I know they have only misunderstood me.

People get misunderstood everyday. I suppose that is parts and parcels of lives. We simply cannot expect people to understand us easily without making an effort to make them to. What can we say and do anyway? We cannot merely expect things to go easy on us. Coincidentally, the kenduri was held on my birthday. I dreaded to go but since my brother made himself busy on that day, that left me as the only available child to drive my parents there. I knew somehow the family on my mum’s side would ask about me. I have gone through the drills with the relatives on my dad’s side and now it is the turn of the relatives on my mum’s side.

I kept my cool and did not let myself be easily affected by situations. All I have to do is to wait and be patient. I do not know when will I strike my first deal but I am keeping my faith Diary. It is a jungle out there. I have climbed many mountains and I made sure that I reached the summit for every mountain I climbed no matter how difficult it was. The objective of climbing a mountain is to reach the summit and that’s when you can say that you have conquered the mountain. Only this time, the jungle is made up of concrete and humans and not only you need to be tough emotionally and physically to survive, you need to be fast too.

I have been called slow by my Manager and I laughed at his comment. I did not want to defend myself. I am not a fighter Diary, I am just a survivor. He should have find out from me the kind of leads I am working on and ask about my progress before he threw his comment like that. You can never be too quick to judge because you have no right to be judgmental until you have listened to both sides of the stories.

Everybody knows that to close deals you need to have leads. From the leads you have, you qualify them and only pay attention to the serious and genuine clients. After qualifying them, then you bring them for viewing. From the viewings you bring, your chances of closing a deal is highly achievable. I have had 20 leads and from the 20 leads, only five are serious. I qualified them, I furnished them with the informations and when it was time for them to take the final step they back out. So are they serious or not Diary?

For sellers, it is important that they apply for housing loan first before you bring them for viewing. If they are willing to apply for a housing loan, then that means they are serious buyers and for sellers, you have to valuate the house they are selling first. If an owner does not agree to valuate the house they are selling, then they are not serious. Those are the things you have to do to qualify your clients. My clients are not serious clients even after I qualified them. I cannot get them to apply for bank loans. My phone calls were not answered and they did not even return my calls. So I know I have to move on. And to move on, that means I have to have more leads and currently the leads I am getting are all from the road shows and I have to depend on my manager to organize road shows. But I cannot be totally dependent on him anymore. I have to start generating leads on my own and I am only thinking of door to door flyers distribution.

So Diary, it looks like I have to get the printer to do my flyers this time. And I hope the kind souls of my parents would loan me the money first because I am totally skin right now. I am broke to the core Diary. Call me whatever you want because I have lost shame, juice and steam. The things that I have not lost for are hope, faith and patience. Those three things keep me going. I know perseverance is my weapon, prayers are my savior, actions are my vehicle and accompanied with hope, faith and belief, I will survive this ordeal. God’s willing.