Being In Solitude Does Not Denote Loneliness

Dear Diary,

Have you ever wondered what makes a man strong as an individual and a person altogether? I have never thought of this until recently. What happened to my life recently has made me stop to ponder. It is not something big but it has left an impact in my life. I still remember when I came to Malaysia 5 years ago. As much as how I was excited, I was also sad and lonely.

I was excited because I achieved my dream to live in KL, lonely because that was the first time I had ever been apart from my family and sad because I was still overwhelmed by the death of my brother. I was not seeing anybody at that time, and to tell you the truth, friends who invited me to move over to KL was just nowhere to accompany me. I had to learn the culture there and I realized that Singapore and Malaysia have so many differences even though they are a stone throw away from each other.

Living there without my own transport also taught me how inconvenience it was to get to places. Friends that I thought I had made simply did not bother to call me out to hang. Perhaps it was the trouble to fetch and send me back that became a turn off to them. I did not call them to hang either because I was not impressed by the public transport system there. Furthermore, I knew I would be an inconvenience. So I was practically alone during my early days there until I moved out of the hostel and got my own car. Having a car there was like having your key to freedom when you just turned 21.

But still, I was lonely and sad because I was all alone. Having the house all to myself and a car for me to go places do not mean a thing when I cannot celebrate them with the people I call friends. There was a few who hung out with me but that hang out seemed like the first and last time for us. I began to understand that it was not just about having your own transport but it was also about the kind of friendships I have with the people whom I thought were my friends.

I was wrong in thinking that I have made friends out of them when they were merely acquaintances. I have learnt the differences between the former and latter. Since then, I did not bother much about wanting to have their company because I knew it then, who they were to me. I stopped hoping and expecting that they would remember to invite me for their party or movie or just some drink sessions at a Mamak. I learnt to get used being by myself until Manhattan came into my life followed by Infinity.

When I had Infinity in my life, honest to God loneliness was not in my vocabulary anymore. She was like my shadow, we never became apart since day one we were together. And then, came the day when we broke up. I felt like the whole world crumbled upon me. I had to get used to being alone again and worst of all lonely. Loneliness was really a disease that kills people softly. To be lonely is far worst than being poor.

Tears became the food to my soul and countless sticks of cigarettes became my only friend. Recoverig myself from the aftermath of the break up was absolutely an ordeal. I did it alone with very minimal support from friends. I took my time healing so it hurts but simultaneously, it cures too. I got used doing things and going to places alone. It was really a challenge but I did it somehow. I never allowed myself to be dependent on others to put a smile on my face instead I filled up my time with hobbies and chores of all sorts.

I remembered how I broke down infront of Dark Chocolate in her car. She did not say a thing. She just let me cried. I remembered how I spent the night crashing at Pumpkin's place and watched TV instead of sharing the stories. I had to make few decisions that would really changed my entire life after the break up. I did and I am very proud of myself. I have made it this far now Diary and I am not turning back.

I never want to go through that phase again. Since I am back to Singapore, a few people I have known are experiencing the aftermath of a break up with their partners. I see myself in them 2 years ago. They are lost and struggling to find their way back home. They try to find comfort in someone else hoping to feel better or at least less upset and less broken. At times, I feel sorry for them but at the same time I feel impatient. I looked at them and wondered if I had looked like that then. Perhaps I did without realising it.

I feel somewhat angry with them for not being able to withstand this phase of their life alone because I did it on my own. To grieve is the remedy and everybody knows that time is the great healer. But it is of utmost importance that we learn how to grieve alone. We cannot depend on people or friends to make us happy or to make us forget about him or her. We can have many outings with friends but at the end of the day, when we come back home, we are still on our own. We simply cannot escape from reminiscing about the past. When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves.

I suppose many of us failed to realize that there are many alternatives to overcome pain and hurt after break ups besides having friends around. It is alarming how most people only resort to confide in friends without trying to deal with it alone. We overlooked the fact that inside ourselves is a place where we all live all alone, and that's where we renew our springs that never dry up. I spent a year recovering myself, Diary. I spent the whole of 2008 grieving, recovering and rejuvenating. I did not write to you at all during those times. I spent 2008 losing myself, exploring what I had missed since I was attached.

Living there has taught me not to be dependent on others to make myself happy. Living there also taught me to try to face adversities alone on my own, welcome any moral supports offered with open arms and embrace loneliness with bravery and courage. Most people fear of being alone because they fear loneliness and not having someone to fall back in sadness and happiness but I am beginning to enjoy it because it teaches me to become independent spiritually and strong emotionally. There is nothing greater than having dared to be on your own and strongly believe you are responsible for your own happiness.

I have realized that anything I have ever done that ultimately was worthwhile, initially scared me to death. The way you overcome loneliness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid. Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them because being on your own does not denote loneliness. No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.

So what is it that makes us strong as an individual and a person altogether? I would say daring to make it alone because loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.