My Hopes And Wish

Dear Diary,

I spent half of my Saturday at my auntie’s house attending her ‘Kenduri Haji’ event. Her husband and she are going to the holy land of Mecca and it is only natural for them to carry out such event. That is the thing about the Malay society. We always hold gatherings for families and closed friends when we have something to be thankful and grateful about. It is sort of like asking for blessings and a time to seek for forgiveness from the people we are very fond of before departing.

I have friends whose families passed on in Mecca when they perform the pilgrimage and I supposed it is very crucial to hold such gatherings to seek for blessings and forgiveness because we will never know what is going to happen there. Attending the function brings me back to the time when my parents left for Mecca. I think it was 10 years ago when my parents went there. Watching my parents left for Mecca, I honestly did not feel sad and I did not cry when I said goodbye to them at the airport.

I was more curious about what was going to happen at home without my parents because we have never really been separated long as a family. We always live under the same roof and the separation only begins after they came back. That’s when my eldest brother left for United Kingdom to further his study, my second brother died and I left home for Subang Jaya and lived there for 5 years. After my second brother died, dad went to Mecca again to perform the pilgrimage on behalf of my late brother.

Many of us moved on after that although I knew how each and one of us would love to be united again as one complete family. My family has not expanded in numbers since then but I know we are always united at heart. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat came into the family and they made it merrier as we have something more to talk about at home. Although they are not as good as humans but having their company is enough to make home feel more like home.

I watched my cousin brothers and sisters got married and how their family tree grows bigger as the years go by. I have got cousin nieces and nephews but I still have not got one of my own. At times I do wonder if my family is ever going to grow. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the future but marriage is really not in my agenda and so that means I might never be able to have my own offspring.

I cannot deny that I have never wondered what my children from my own womb would look like if I ever have any or how they would have been in terms of characteristics. It is something that I can never stop asking and never could have got the answers because I know what I am. I am always fond of children. Perhaps I am not being too confident to say that I might be the favourite auntie among the cousin nieces and nephews I have. When I am with them, I play with them like as though I am at their age. They even fought with each other just to be able to hold my hands.

Watching them fought, I paused and ponder at how I might be towards my own children, my own flesh and blood. Will I be as playful as I am with the cousin nieces and nephews or will I be the strict disciplinarian? I do not know Diary. It is something that I have to admit I am dying to know and the only way for me to find out is to have children that I have to carry in my womb for nine months and nine days.

Oh no Diary, I am not thinking of marriage but it is just what I want to talk about to you this time. I guess I will never have the answer. Looking at me now, I guess I will remain what I am regardless if I have somebody to love or not. My heart goes out to my parents and I wish I could let them know what I am and how sorry I am for being what I am

I have seen them enough to know that they are longing to have grandchildren they can call their own. I have witnessed the looks in their faces, how their eyes sparkle when they carry babies in their arms. I tried to ignore the fact but I cannot lie to myself. I wish it would have been easier to open up and it may be crazy and madness but I do wish and hope that being a lesbian is a natural thing accepted in society. I have never really understood human nature unless I know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.

Diary, I do not asked to be like this. If I could be normal without having to think deep inside my heart that I am different, I would. But then again just because I am different that does not mean I am not the same. That does not mean that I do not share the same hopes and wishes a straight woman would have; to walk down the aisle to enter into the marriage institution, to love my wife unconditionally and to have children I can bear my own because I always believe that a happy and holy fashion is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.

Prep Talks With Pepper and Salt

Dear Diary,

I have exhausted my time revising my database system and cracking my head on the marketing methods that I must use to promote my service. I have been chatting a lot with Mother Softie and just about yesterday we were talking about the marketing methods available to promote her company products and then it struck me that I could use some of the marketing methods we discussed for my service. I supposed this is what it means when people say ideas can be adapted from living our lives everyday.

I have done a lot for the past few days to enhance my work habits. I have organized my email systems and sent out many emails to prospective clients. I have received 3 replies and I can tell that it is kind of encouraging. I have linked my database system with my email so I can synchronize them whenever I do my work. I have started my research on writing a good business proposal and I have updated my blog with my entries way back in 2004. I have about 100 entries in 2004 that have yet to be transferred here.

How much I have written and how long I have been writing my blog, I was just thinking about it yesterday. The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions however I need to write more in Malay because many of my friends say that my written Malay sounds funny. I am not quite sure what they mean when they say that. Well, I doubt them because I know I was the best Malay student in my primary school who scored the highest in Malay in the Primary School Leaving Examination. But then again, that is when I was 12 years old. *Chuckles*

I haven’t written in Malay for so long since then. I have to admit that I feel kind of offended and pissed when I am told that my written Malay sucks because I know I used to be good at it and how much I have lost my skills and most amazingly, my touch. Damn Diary! Screw me! It is funny how nowadays whenever I try to write in Malay, I will tend to write it with a little bit of Indonesian influence. Conceivably it is the kind of Malay books that I read nowadays. I am on Andrea Hirata currently and I can say that he has a big inspiration on me and my writing habits in Malay has begun to sound a little or perhaps a fraction like his. I have read somewhere that writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

Oh well Diary, there are many things that I am up to nowadays. My heart is more relax now and I am calmer in terms of controlling my emotions. Yes, I am still broke but I am not skin. I have about $7k in commission waiting for me in mid December and I have about $400 in commission waiting for me in mid October. That is the thing about working as an agent. You have money but the money is way ahead than where you are at the moment because sales of homes transactions take about 3 months to complete for HDB and about 1-2 months to complete for private properties.

I am trying hard to get a client and thus all the marketing techniques that I am applying in my crusade to find a client. I am still praying and I am still hoping. I have so many dreams for myself, my parents, my family and my love. Friends have came up to me and told me about their career plans and love lives while I sat down in front of my laptop reading every details they told me. I kind of feel challenged but I know I am not jealous because I know, there will always be light for me at the end of the tunnel.

I am rebuilding my life from scratch and I know someday I will get to where I want to. I know that. Confident I maybe but I am talking from experience. Or perchance I am just being an optimist now. It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry later. I always get what I want no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is. I have known myself for 33 years and I know there is a monster in me that is merely hiding. She needs some kind of awakening to show herself with a vengeance. Oh Diary, am I boasting now? I do not think so. I think it is just a prep talk to motivate myself because everybody needs a prep talk once a while.

I love the friends that I have now. Quantity is nothing without quality. When I speak, they listen to me and when I write they read me. That makes me feel contented to fill my paper with the breathings of my heart. It is naturally beautiful, this life I have. I am blessed.

I love you Diary and I miss my Beautiful one.

Martika - I Feel The Earth Move

Martika - Toy Soldiers

This Aint A Love Song - Official Video - Scouting For Girls

Patient I Will Be....

Dear Diary,

I am tired mentally and I think I have come to a point where I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I have an idea of the things that I like to do but I woke up today feeling very demotivated about almost everything in my life now. I am not in the brink of giving up the things I want to achieve but I think I am at a phase where I merely get tired of things.

I just got back from a one day cruise trip and I think I should be happy about it but I am not. The cruise was ok and comparing it with the amount of money I had to pay I would say that it is way too cheap even though there were many things I can complain about. The trip somehow made me feel a little busy but tired.

How are you Diary? I miss you and all the people that I love and have once loved. Life has been fair to me but I probably have not really got what I want and perhaps that makes me a little lost. I feel that I am missing a lot of things. I am not feeling energetic about life anymore. The desire to get what I want is slowly diminishing. This is just temporary but I am not sure how long it will last.

I miss Subang Jaya and all the things I had there. At times I wish I could just switch off my memory about Subang Jaya so I could focus more on what I have currently. I know if I were there, I would be a happier person even though I am single because that is where I want to be living my life. This is not about being single and not having a girlfriend but this is more about being where I want to be.

I can achieve that I know but I have to be patient and I don’t know how much patience I have in me. There are many things I have to do to go back there again and it takes more than just patience. I have prayed like I have never before and I have tried to make it work but I am not seeing the results yet and I supposed that makes me a little fed up. Changes require time to happen and I am aware that I need to give myself time. Just as much as how time can be a great healer to the broken hearted it can also bring happiness to the one who wait. People say good things come to the people who wait.

I am worn out Diary. And I wish you are real so I could just hang out with you and speak my mind freely. I am down with fever and with a heart that is at war with my own desires it makes things even worse than they already are. My parents are happy that I am back living under one roof with them but I know deep down inside my heart, I have never been sad like this before. I want to make them happy but at the same time I want to be happy myself.

It all boils down to one word now; sacrifice. I supposed I have to sacrifice my desires for the sake of my parents. I have been missing a lot and I have only realized about it when I came back. How much I can do for them over here just to put smiles on their faces. Cooking them a simple dinner is enough to make them happy let alone help out with the household chores. I love my parents so much and I think I will teach myself to love where I am right now.

I can wait for my own happiness to come. I have given myself some time before making the move back to Subang Jaya and I think living with my parents in Singapore until the day they retire is the best thing I can do for them. To love is to sacrifice and to do it for my parents' sake is a thing worth doing.

Until the day when I finally make my move again...patient I will be. What is there left to be Diary?

Good night Diary, good night my Beautiful love.

Waiting For The Right Environment

Dear Diary,

There are a lot of things that I feel I want to write. There are too many of them until I do not know where to begin. I keep thinking of my life when I was in Subang Jaya and how I miss it so much. I am still struggling to make ends meet and I am not sure if I am ever going to make it. I have been procrastinating a lot and I know I have to discipline myself to achieve what I want in two years time.

I have completed the sell and buy transaction for my family and I am now at ease since we are guaranteed to have a house to stay once we have moved out of this house. I have been worrying that we cannot find a house that suits our needs because my brother has been very indecisive and he seemed not to be able to make up his mind. I have to admit that I sometimes lost my temper at the way he has behaved with the house viewings. He made an offer at almost every house he viewed and I cannot second guess which one he is most interested in.

There are many things that I have learnt from my transactions and it makes me more alert and resourceful. I have done my homework and I have gotten to know lots of things. I have learnt the tricks and trade and I have equipped myself with the things I need to know first before I go prospecting. The rules and regulations that HDB has set made me become more sensitive towards people. I have realized how crucial it is for agents to play a part in a family’s life before we help them decide to sell or buy their house. This is when your professionalism comes into play because as much as we need the commission from the sale of their house, we must also consider their plight before we tell them to sell or not.

There are many cases where people do not have a house to live after they sold their house because agents did not advise them comprehensively of the things they need to know and do before making the decision. These people end up in beaches where they live in tents. It is a pity and disappointing to know that there are cases like this happening in Singapore.

I supposed it is because of this that the Singapore government had to intervene with how real estate salespersons work. New regulations have been implemented on the real estate industry and agents have to meet so many criteria before they are able to practice as an agent. I have what it needs to be one and I fulfilled the criteria, only that I have not been actively closing deals. Well, I know I have not been aggressive enough.

I am not panicking Diary neither I am belittling my abilities. I know what I can do and how much I can achieve if I am just being myself. Look at my situations now Diary. My room is as good as a big storage space. I do not even have a work desk. I can say that my room does not give me a condusive environment to work. Regardless what the situation is, I cannot make them as an excuse but let us check into reality for awhile. I am in the midst of moving out of this house and the new owner will need to use my room after the completion of the sale because they also need to move out of the house. We have made an agreement about that so it means, I have to clear all the things in my room for them. So, where am I supposed to sleep? You tell me Diary.

So you see there are many things I have to do. The paperworks, the cleaning, the packing, the moving, the unpacking, the organizing, the facilitating and many more and I do not even have a proper working place.

Oh well, by the way I have closed another room rental. So what does that mean? I am progressing Diary, I am. It is just that for the time being, I am rather taking my own time to be aggressive. I will be there I know, I just want to wait till I have a proper working place to work and for the time being I will keep doing what I have to do to get there. This is just the trial and error you know…it is not the end.

Unwinding My Thoughts About Her

Dear Diary,

I spent my weekend in Tangkak and it was a little bit relaxed than any other trip I had. Firstly I did not have to do the gardening as we have employed a part time gardener. It has been 3 months since we last came and the bushes and the grass were as thick as the Amazon. Mum and dad had given up a long time ago to do the pruning and trimming while I simply couldn’t be bothered. I hate the idea of having to sweat and hang out under the sun to make the landscape looks nicer everytime I come back. I simply want to spend my time relaxing and unwind. Come on Diary, who wants to get all sweaty and dirty doing gardening at your holiday house?

I have always been upset at the thought that I couldn’t rest whenever I come back. Having a landed holiday house I supposed leave you little or no time at all to enjoy the house if you only come back once in every two months, especially a house with landscape. The landscape is not that really big but looking at the frequency of us coming back, it can be quite a handful to handle. Frankly, I have gotten quite bored with the routine. We never failed to clean the house from the mess of having birds nest on our door grilles, and the waste they left behind. The grass and the trees grow freely and trimming them is a must otherwise it can be quite an eyesore.

After checking around the house and explaining to the gardener we just hired, I decided to take my shower and little did I know that the water supply had been cut because we missed paying the bill. Oh Diary, can you imagine what did I get myself into? There and then I put back my clothes back on and went out to tell my dad. There were so many commotions and long story made short, dad being the handyman in the family, fixed the problem and I managed to have my shower.

We stayed in Tangkak for about 3 days and I can say that the trip this time is well spent. I managed to start on my business proposal and enjoy the house watching DVD. I even manage to relax and unwind myself. I vacuumed and I mopped the house and believe me Diary, I felt like I had run 200 meters after that. The sweat that came down my forehead is just unbelievable.

I have to admit that during the time I was there, I felt like I wanted to text Beautiful and tell her that I have been missing her. The household chores kept me busy a little and in a way distracted me from thinking of her but really, it did not last long. The power of love as people say is stronger than any other forces on earth. I am not quite sure of love anymore nowadays. Perhaps I have found a woman that I like but I know I couldn’t have her. It is just a dream and fantasy that I can never bring to life. The more I fight it the more it grows stronger.

At times I just wish that I could just walk with her down the beach strolling hands in hands. We have spent less time ‘talking’ for the past few weeks but that does not stop myself from thinking about her. The less time we spend together, the more I miss her. I am not shy to tell her that I miss her everyday. I do not feel ashamed to let her know that I have been thinking about her because I know, if I can never hold her hands or look at her in the eyes, then the least I can do is to be honest about how I feel towards her.

[HD] Glee - Halo/Walking on Sunshine (live at Gibson Amphitheater 5/22)

Naya and Dianna...wow...

Sexily inviting...

[HD] Glee - True Colors (live at Gibson Amphitheater 5/22

Love Does Not Only Denote Sacrifices

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 6 in the morning today and I sent my mum to work. Eversince I came back, it has been my duty to send mum to work whenever she is in the morning shift. I do it willingly and I have never complained. Looking back, having to wake up in that hour in the morning is nothing compared to all the sacrifices she has made for me all my live. Nothing I do can ever repay what she has done for me and the family. Yes, I may nickname her ‘The Dragon’ and I may have been unhappy with the way she handles things but she is afterall my mum. She is the woman who carried me for nine months and nine days in her womb, who never once complained. I love my mother you know and I guess she will always be the woman I will always love besides the other women I have been involved in my life.

Reminiscing at all the other women, I never really can tell if I have ever loved them with all my heart. It was so easy for me you know. Just about yesterday, I chatted with an old friend. Reading between the lines, I can tell that she has always thought that I am some kind of a playgirl or something. And another old friend also passed me comment like that. I cannot help myself but to wonder how true it is.

I got a bit offended at times with all those comments. Sometimes I wish I could just take a hammer and smashed their heads so hard that they die instantly. I have never thought myself like that. All I did was to meet many wrong people before I met the right one. This is love we are talking about. How am I supposed to know that the love I thought in the air is the right one for me? Perhaps I can feel love but I cannot recognize the right love for me. Maybe I made girls become my girlfriends too easily and leave them too quickly. You tell me Diary. I know I still have left a few soft spot for a few of them but I cannot deny how I am and what I am like when it comes to love.

I have left everyone of them behind me now. There is not a single one left anymore. The only woman left in my life is my mother and I know my love for her is an everlasting one. I spent this afternoon with her running errands for the family. What we did this afternoon totally woke me up at how much sacrifices a mother would do to save her family. She stretched her means to the extent that I feel so ashamed of myself. If I ever have a family of my own one day, I shall do the same for them. And if I ever find love in a woman, I would like to feel that way first before I want to make her mine. I supposed love always come with sacrifices.

It is said that if you can live without someone then she is not the right person but if you cannot live without someone, then she is the right person. It is still subjective however. When I broke up with Infinity, yes I felt like a lost puppy and I did not know how to live my life. My life was haywire and I was a total mess. Yeah, perhaps she was the right one for me because at that time, I felt I couldn't live without her. Well, logically speaking, who wouldn't think of that after living together for more than 2 years? It was always tough at the beginning but everybody will get through it someday. It is just a matter of time.

I believe getting over someone is easier than forgetting someone. It always takes a lifetime to forget the people we have adored whom we met in our life journeys. People come and go for reasons and there are explanations why we cannot have the woman we have thought is the one. I have not learnt my lesson but I have learnt that I simply cannot recognize the right love for me. Love is a gamble and it does not matter whether we lose or win because love is here on earth to teach us about accepting a person’s characteristics sincerely. As much as we love the strengths of the person we love, we must also love their weaknesses as well. I have realized that I still have not been able to do that after all these years. That reason probably contributes to the number of girlfriends I have had. Love does not mean sacrifices alone, but love also means embracing the person we love as a whole.

I have yet to learn about it and I have promised myself that until I learnt to embrace a person I love as a whole, only then I can be truly in love.

Good night Diary. Good night my love.

Brother Beyond - When Will I See You Again

Love Right...

Dear Diary,

I have been so busy with work that I have forgotten about the miseries I thought I have. I am not sure if those miseries ever exist in my life because the busier I got, the more I think my life is blessed. Perhaps I do have some things that I would consider them to be my miseries but what can I do and what can I say? This is life. At times when you think things are going to be okay, there will always be things that make it not okay. And there you go again, trying to coach yourself and your heart to get right back on to the track to recovery again. I wish I never had made the decision to put my heart in jeopardy once more because it can be unbearable to handle.

I hope I could stop talking about the heartaches of my heart because I am beginning to feel that I have never been happy emotionally since I came back to Singapore. I have lost lots of weight and everybody I met threw comments at me how thin I have become. I want to be thin, but I want to be happily thin. I have not noticed if I have eaten lesser than usual but I have to admit that I have grown thin. It could be the stress from work, the heartaches from failed relationships and the burden of having to hold my long for the person I have loved dearly.

It is difficult to yearn for someone when you know she is forever gone. I try so hard to take her name out of my mind but it has been proven that forgetting someone really takes a lifetime to do. I probably will remember her until I closed my eyes for good.

I am never a girlfriend material kind of person because I can be so sensitive at the slightest things. I cannot change myself and I cannot turn my heart into stone cold. I am just someone who is difficult to be loved. I should be a happy person today because I managed to find a house for my client and yes, I have closed another deal. I have always thought that I would be happy if I have made some successful transactions but no, I was wrong.

Love plays a part in everyone’s life. Love is like a drug that feeds a person’s soul. If you think you are in love but you cannot get anything out of it, leave that love and move on because as much as you need love in your life, you also deserve to be treated right when the vow is made. One thing I have learnt is to be in love with the right person because it can save lots of heartaches.

Elton John - Sacrifice lyrics

Beautiful Love...

Dear Diary,

How many days has it been? I have so much to write but time was not on my side. How are you my loyal friend? Have you been good? I have and I have been busy as well. I am not busy every minute but I have been busy than before. I have arranged many viewing appointments for my client and I have spent most of my time learning the trade and the art of negotiation. I am still not very good at it but I can feel that I am becoming aggressive a little. I have started to kick off the laid back attitude I used to have towards my job. There is a house that he likes and he has made an offer, I am now waiting for the owner’s agreement.

This evening on TV there was news about the funeral of Singapore Minister Mentor’s wife. I watched the news and heard the farewell speech given by her children and the Minister mentor himself. I kind of felt sorry for him and his family for having to lose someone so dear in their life. She had been in a coma for 2 years before she passed away on Saturday and today is her funeral. Many Singaporeans waited by the roadside where they will take her body for the cremation.

As I watched the news, I recalled how love has touched my life in many ways. I miss love so much but I am also afraid of it. There is a part of me that wish I have got a woman that I can call my Nur Kasih but there is also a part of me that wish I could have a heart of stone so I could be oblivious to love. I may not have been through a lot compared to other unfortunate people but I know I have had my fair share of happiness and disappointments in love.

I am afraid of the pain that I will be feeling again when love leaves me. Sometimes I do hope that if I ever find love in the path that I am walking, it would be an eternal and everlasting love so I can carry it with me even when I pass. I am alone now Diary but I know I am not alone spiritually. I love someone and even though it is just spiritual, I can feel the love inside me blossoming as day goes by. I feel it in the wind. I can see it through the rays of sun that shines through my bedroom window every morning when I wake up.

I miss her everyday since she came into my life. I don’t know how long it will last but I am cherishing every moments I have with her. It is crazy, this kind of love I have for her but I am not even ashamed to let you know about it because I know my feelings for her are genuine. Is it fantasy Diary? Perhaps it is although I know I cannot bring it to life. I have begun to open my heart and I am beginning to feel a little scared.

I hope and I pray but I don’t know if she just happened to be in my life temporarily and am I bound to lose her. It makes me wonder and the question just lingers in my mind. I feel a sudden weight in my heart whenever I think of it and I asked myself if I would be ready when the day comes when the love between us walks out of the door.

I have never managed to comprehend what love really is. All I know is it makes the world in a person’s life spins faster than usual. Most importantly, I feel that at least I have someone I can tell my stories to, share my predicaments and understands me emotionally and spiritually. It is still love even though it does not exist in physical form. I may not be able to hold her hands, touch her face or give her a goodnight and morning kiss but her existence in my life soothes my emotions and heals my soul.

I am living my life day by day nowadays. I teach myself to be happy about everything in my life. I also teach myself to let go when I have to and embrace when I must so I will live my life like how I should and just be contented about it because the hardest-learned lesson: that she has only her kind of love to give, not my kind.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful Lyrics

To the one who is Beautiful...

Although I might never have you in my arms,

I believe tomorrow will take care of itself

If I treasure what we have today

My First Sale Transaction

Dear Diary,

I have been busy for the past few days. I have sold my house and the amount of paper works I have to do is just amazing. How much I hate paper works and form fillings. This is my first sale transaction and I have really learnt a lot from it. I supposed things always seem difficult and troublesome in the beginning but as time goes by and after many transactions, I think I will get used to it.

I made a couple of mistakes filling in the forms and I was excused because I am pretty sure that the clerk knew this is my first sale transaction. I almost laughed at myself of the mistakes that I have made. Everybody seemed kind and understanding enough to accept the blunders.

I was up early this morning at 630. The co-broke agent met me at 730 in the morning to get the signed documents. I was up way early before she got to my place. I did not take shower because I really planned to sleep some more after I met her but I had to stay awake since she came to my house again at 9 with the buyers to hand over the final deposit.

I slept at almost 4 last night and I woke up at 630. Can you imagine how sleepy I got later in the afternoon today? It was a busy and productive day but also a sleepy day for me. I double checked the documents that she handed to me and got ready to go to the office to submit the resale application to HDB. When I got to the office, I enquired at the counter on the procedures and the clerk explained to me patiently as if she knew I am new. I listened and I tried to grasp the information as good as I can. I did everything alone. My Manager was not in the office thus I had no one to guide me. I got to fill up some forms and as I filled up the forms, I coached myself to be patient about form fillings. I honestly hate form fillings and I knew if I still have nothing but hatred about it, I won’t be happy with my job. So there I was, acting like a coach to my distress mind.

When everything was done, I handed the papers over to the counter and I reminded them to submit the application by today. It is crucial because we really need to get it done by today as today is the last day of September. You see, there are racial integration quota policies that we have to meet before we sell or buy a unit of flat in Singapore. The quota is updated on every first of the month. It was a lucky thing for us that we managed to submit everything today as the quota for SPR for this month is still available for my block. It seemed nice that everybody was co-operative even though the forms I filled had some inaccuracies.

Oh Diary, I am beginning to feel a little pumped up right now. I don’t know but I am seeing what lies in the future if I just believe. Although this first transaction is my own house but it gives me the enthusiasm to strive for more, for myself, my family and the very beautiful person in my life. 

How are you Diary? I am good right now, Alhamdulillah. I guess I am slowly picking up the pieces and feeling rejuvenated a little about it all. Beautiful has been very inspirational to me and I am glad she exists in my life. It is rather difficult to explain but I think it is enough that I know what I truly feel towards her. Love is a universal language isn’t it? It does not matter where I am, what is most important is I know I have someone that will listen to me when I tell stories and one who will not get bored with my stories. I miss Beautiful everyday very much.