Patient I Will Be....

Dear Diary,

I am tired mentally and I think I have come to a point where I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I have an idea of the things that I like to do but I woke up today feeling very demotivated about almost everything in my life now. I am not in the brink of giving up the things I want to achieve but I think I am at a phase where I merely get tired of things.

I just got back from a one day cruise trip and I think I should be happy about it but I am not. The cruise was ok and comparing it with the amount of money I had to pay I would say that it is way too cheap even though there were many things I can complain about. The trip somehow made me feel a little busy but tired.

How are you Diary? I miss you and all the people that I love and have once loved. Life has been fair to me but I probably have not really got what I want and perhaps that makes me a little lost. I feel that I am missing a lot of things. I am not feeling energetic about life anymore. The desire to get what I want is slowly diminishing. This is just temporary but I am not sure how long it will last.

I miss Subang Jaya and all the things I had there. At times I wish I could just switch off my memory about Subang Jaya so I could focus more on what I have currently. I know if I were there, I would be a happier person even though I am single because that is where I want to be living my life. This is not about being single and not having a girlfriend but this is more about being where I want to be.

I can achieve that I know but I have to be patient and I don’t know how much patience I have in me. There are many things I have to do to go back there again and it takes more than just patience. I have prayed like I have never before and I have tried to make it work but I am not seeing the results yet and I supposed that makes me a little fed up. Changes require time to happen and I am aware that I need to give myself time. Just as much as how time can be a great healer to the broken hearted it can also bring happiness to the one who wait. People say good things come to the people who wait.

I am worn out Diary. And I wish you are real so I could just hang out with you and speak my mind freely. I am down with fever and with a heart that is at war with my own desires it makes things even worse than they already are. My parents are happy that I am back living under one roof with them but I know deep down inside my heart, I have never been sad like this before. I want to make them happy but at the same time I want to be happy myself.

It all boils down to one word now; sacrifice. I supposed I have to sacrifice my desires for the sake of my parents. I have been missing a lot and I have only realized about it when I came back. How much I can do for them over here just to put smiles on their faces. Cooking them a simple dinner is enough to make them happy let alone help out with the household chores. I love my parents so much and I think I will teach myself to love where I am right now.

I can wait for my own happiness to come. I have given myself some time before making the move back to Subang Jaya and I think living with my parents in Singapore until the day they retire is the best thing I can do for them. To love is to sacrifice and to do it for my parents' sake is a thing worth doing.

Until the day when I finally make my move again...patient I will be. What is there left to be Diary?

Good night Diary, good night my Beautiful love.