I spent half of my Saturday at my auntie’s house attending her ‘Kenduri Haji’ event. Her husband and she are going to the holy land of Mecca and it is only natural for them to carry out such event. That is the thing about the Malay society. We always hold gatherings for families and closed friends when we have something to be thankful and grateful about. It is sort of like asking for blessings and a time to seek for forgiveness from the people we are very fond of before departing.
I have friends whose families passed on in Mecca when they perform the pilgrimage and I supposed it is very crucial to hold such gatherings to seek for blessings and forgiveness because we will never know what is going to happen there. Attending the function brings me back to the time when my parents left for Mecca. I think it was 10 years ago when my parents went there. Watching my parents left for Mecca, I honestly did not feel sad and I did not cry when I said goodbye to them at the airport.
I was more curious about what was going to happen at home without my parents because we have never really been separated long as a family. We always live under the same roof and the separation only begins after they came back. That’s when my eldest brother left for United Kingdom to further his study, my second brother died and I left home for Subang Jaya and lived there for 5 years. After my second brother died, dad went to Mecca again to perform the pilgrimage on behalf of my late brother.
Many of us moved on after that although I knew how each and one of us would love to be united again as one complete family. My family has not expanded in numbers since then but I know we are always united at heart. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat came into the family and they made it merrier as we have something more to talk about at home. Although they are not as good as humans but having their company is enough to make home feel more like home.
I watched my cousin brothers and sisters got married and how their family tree grows bigger as the years go by. I have got cousin nieces and nephews but I still have not got one of my own. At times I do wonder if my family is ever going to grow. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the future but marriage is really not in my agenda and so that means I might never be able to have my own offspring.
I cannot deny that I have never wondered what my children from my own womb would look like if I ever have any or how they would have been in terms of characteristics. It is something that I can never stop asking and never could have got the answers because I know what I am. I am always fond of children. Perhaps I am not being too confident to say that I might be the favourite auntie among the cousin nieces and nephews I have. When I am with them, I play with them like as though I am at their age. They even fought with each other just to be able to hold my hands.
Watching them fought, I paused and ponder at how I might be towards my own children, my own flesh and blood. Will I be as playful as I am with the cousin nieces and nephews or will I be the strict disciplinarian? I do not know Diary. It is something that I have to admit I am dying to know and the only way for me to find out is to have children that I have to carry in my womb for nine months and nine days.
Oh no Diary, I am not thinking of marriage but it is just what I want to talk about to you this time. I guess I will never have the answer. Looking at me now, I guess I will remain what I am regardless if I have somebody to love or not. My heart goes out to my parents and I wish I could let them know what I am and how sorry I am for being what I am
I have seen them enough to know that they are longing to have grandchildren they can call their own. I have witnessed the looks in their faces, how their eyes sparkle when they carry babies in their arms. I tried to ignore the fact but I cannot lie to myself. I wish it would have been easier to open up and it may be crazy and madness but I do wish and hope that being a lesbian is a natural thing accepted in society. I have never really understood human nature unless I know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.
Diary, I do not asked to be like this. If I could be normal without having to think deep inside my heart that I am different, I would. But then again just because I am different that does not mean I am not the same. That does not mean that I do not share the same hopes and wishes a straight woman would have; to walk down the aisle to enter into the marriage institution, to love my wife unconditionally and to have children I can bear my own because I always believe that a happy and holy fashion is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.
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