When Reality Sinks In...

Dear Diary,

I spent my time today with mum at the market. She bought groceries and I was basically there accompanying her to carry them. My thoughts were at home thinking about all the companies that I have shortlisted to send my resumes. Mum took awhile to decide what to buy and I was fidgeting eager to go home to finish all the outstanding work I have to do at home.

Just as we were about to go, Hippo text me and told me she was at KTP hospital waiting for a minor operation. The bed was not ready and she had to wait for the hospital to give her a call to come back when they have a bed ready for her. I invited her to my house and she came, alone. Right there and then, I have thought of how it is going to be like when I grow old and weak. Hippo was by herself as her husband was working. It was merely a natural visit to the clinic but that visit brought her to the hospital. The operation was kind of an impromptu decision by the doctor at the hospital so there was no preparation made on her side.

As I was talking to her, my mind was filled with endless questions of what if it were me and who do I have to accompany me to the hospital or to pay me visits? Hippo has a big family of eight and it is growing. I cannot keep up with her and if I do not do something about it, I will really be alone in this world. Am I scared? I do not know Diary but it surely gives me some kind of concern of how I am going to be. It is not the loneliness because I have gotten used to it already but it is being alone in times like that when you really need to have someone beside you.

I have never tried to change myself from what I really am. The call to change has not reached me yet perhaps but it is somewhat scary to think about it. When my parents are gone, it will be just my brother and I. Perhaps I must start stepping up so I can carry on with my plans to adopt soon. Hello Kitty would make a good mother. She probably is the disciplinarian among the two of us. I do not know what role suits me best but I think I will simply be the mum to the kids.

Well Diary, I must make more quality friends I guess. Friends who will look me up regardless of what the reason is. I must stop having friends who only look me up when they are down or when they need a favour. In my kind of lifestyle, I supposed close friends like me will make good families because we are the same; no off springs but with plenty of love to share. As we grow older, I supposed we only have each other.

Possibly, I will have Hello Kitty by my side but nobody will know, not even myself. Nevertheless, for now I know I have her in my mind and heart because that is the reality and not some fantasy that cannot exist. What we call reality is an agreement that people have arrived at to make life more livable.

Even A Stranger Can Touch Our Hearts....

Dear Diary,

Have you ever wondered about someone that you hardly knew? I have and it is heartrending to do that especially when you know that things between you and her have changed. You long for things to go back to how they were but they did not. You might be wondering if I am going to write about change again however, I must admit that I will not.

I bring to mind when I was young. How I met a woman who would wait for the bus at the same bus stop I did. She was young and sweet and that probably why she caught my attention. I often saw her and she would get down one bus stop before mine. She would always smile at me when she saw me. I never failed to look at her because she was something that I looked forward to at the bus stop. For about a few months I practiced the habit.

There was once when I was sick and I had to be on medical leave. As much as how I like staying in at home, I hated the idea for having to miss her for the day. The next day, at the bus stop, she was there and when she saw me, she smiled and walked up to me. She asked why I was not there yesterday waiting for the bus. She wondered if I was late or early. I explained to her I was sick and had to be on medical leave. She smiled at me and told me to take good care of my health. I never saw her again after that.

I never gave up and I was hopeful that I would see her again but I did not. In my mind, she probably has bought a car or she just did not take the bus service anymore. I knew I was sort of missing her. I came up with so many thoughts about her but I suppose none of it is true as I never saw her again to clarify it with her.

I never knew her Diary. I only knew her by her face but it is amazingly touching how concerned she was when she did not saw me on the day I was on medical leave from school. Strangers we were but when she asked me why I was not there, it showed me how we care for another stranger although we never knew that stranger personally. I still can feel the weight of her concern until today. She has touched my heart in her own plain, simple but significant ways.

Years have gone by and I can still recall how she looked especially when she smiled at me. For whatever reasons I never saw her again, I hope she would still be alive, healthy and happy. I may not even know her name but I know she is a kind soul when she showed me the concern.

To the woman, thank you for the little thought you had for me as you have taught me that care and concern do not wait for someone only we know. The lesson you gave me, I have it instilled in me for my own betterment and bring it forward to other people. As each day comes to me refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world that you ever exist in my life. I have missed you since the day you were gone and I will miss you still.

I Cannot Help Having This Temper...

Dear Diary,

I spent the whole day in JB and I am so tired and sleepy. We had to go to two banks and I accompanied mum there. There were many times where I lost my temper but I managed to hold it back. I honestly did not want to have an argument with my mum over some petty issues. She wanted to go to a bank but she did not know the directions and I got a little too annoyed with that.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. The older I get the worse my temper gets. Sometimes, I wish I had not taken this trait from my mum but I cannot help it. I have tried in all probability to control it but I know I have failed. That is perhaps the reason why I always failed at relationships. Well, apart from being impatient for people to change I know my temper contributes to all those unsuccessful relationships.

Hello Kitty came to the rescue. She guided me to the bank and I followed her from behind. She is always the one nowadays to rescue me from any kind of situations I am in and at times, I wonder if I can ever repay her kindness and thoughtfulness back. She bought me a book called, “True Love Is…” I have read it. Sometimes I wish I could be more sensitive towards her. I wish I could have been more patient with her. She makes me feel so comfortable that I am totally being myself when I am with her and when I am being myself, the impatient and bad-tempered traits got the better of me. I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it. I supposed it is true that no man can climb out beyond the limitations of his own character.

Have you taken dinner yet Diary? I have had my dinner and it was good. I think I might go for a jog tomorrow morning. I surely need to think about lots of things while I run. I used to do that while I was climbing the mountains. Climb and think. That’s what I did. But it’s not as easy as before since I am not active anymore. I would love to repeat that part of my life again someday. It will be just nature and me. I miss it so much Diary.

My brother just introduced a friend of his who is also an active mountain climber. She added me to her facebook and she sent me a message. I have not replied. I might reply her later tonight. She asked me for some tips on Gunung Tahan. I hope I can join her if she is planning for it. It has really been a long time. I am a bit rusty now. So rusty that I think I might be left behind in the trail. I have not been running or been to the gym. I am not sure how good my stamina is nowadays but I know I am always a competitive person when it comes to sport. However, I am just not as competitive in love. That is why I am only left with ‘X’ (This is what Daisy told me yesterday). Poor me…

Got to go now Diary...forgive me for my temper. I will try to fuck it soon.

Some Things Need To Be Discussed

Dear Diary,

I have written about three paragraphs and I accidentally discarded the file. Silly me. I still want to write though but the only problem is, I am sleepy and tired. I have been mentally tired since the day i quit my job and it has not stopped since. I supposed there are a lot of things in my mind especially with what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to do you know, but to get there takes some time and the hurdles that I have to face getting there is tremendous.

Age is catching up but amazingly, I do not look my age. *chuckles* oh well come on Diary, I got to compliment myself in times of my adversities. You do understand don't you? How are you Diary? I hope you are not as disturbed as I am. Hello Kitty just went home. We had dinner together but she will not be spending the night here with me as she has ran out of the 10 days free.

There are so many rules and regulations for foreign registered cars to come into Singapore. I hate the systems sometimes but I understand why Singapore has to have the systems. But really, at times when you feel that the system does not favour you, naturally you would feel that it is troublesome.

I discussed a bit about my plan with Hello Kitty. I just had to Diary. I need second opinions and I figured it is important that I talk to her. I have one job offer now but it is so demanding to work for that company. I really don't know if I should take it. There are no other offers yet but I know if I just keep sending out my cv, it will come but the question is, how long can I wait?

I got to go. Love you so much Diary.

Chris Medina - What Are Words (lyrics)

This is it Diary....hear it....it touches my soul.

It Is Friday and I Am Gone...

Dear Diary,

Every night before I went go to sleep I always told myself that I would wake up at seven in the morning and go for a jog. I never did and it has been a week since I said that. Whatever happened to my self-discipline? This is the thing about having plenty of time to do something. You tend to be very laid back and always put off things that you are supposed to do.

I intended to do my passport since Monday but I only did it yesterday. You get what I mean now. This is also the thing that I am worried about if I were to change agency because I know what I must do to succeed but the question is will I have the determination. Yes, I have dreams and visions but I am not sure if I can last. The thing about me is, I always like business and making big money but I like it to be physical. You know what I mean. Like very physical as if I have a shop or a restaurant or something. I like to be in a business where I have to do things physically and move about. I do not like to be desk bound.

I really don’t know now. I know my strengths and weaknesses but to get out of this comfort zone seems like taking me forever. I have a plan now. I am just waiting for the right time to execute it. I have been giving myself prep talk about things and I think it has just sink in. I am talking some sense into my stubborn brain.

I have just packed my bag for the trip and I am going to take my shower in a minute. Hello Kitty will be here to fetch me and the road trip will begin after that. I am going to drive perhaps. She is going to let me drive. I love driving. Give me a pack of cigarette and with the radio on, I can drive all day long. Talking about driving, how I miss my car. Told you I am getting it back this July. My baby, that’s what I call her. I used to call her Hanni but I am not sure if I will anymore. Hanni reminds me so much of Flying Babe but she is gone for good now. I guess she somewhat knows who I am with nowadays. Words and news travel like wildfire in my society even when we are separate by two continents.

Everybody in my society link to each other like the cobwebs especially so if they used to be a regular chatter in Internet Relay Chat. Well, I don’t write to her anymore and neither does she text me. The last time I received her text was when how she told me she appreciates what we had before even if it was a short while. I need to die Diary. I need to die in all my previous lives so I can really start afresh. I have died in most of my previous lives but yes, the memories still linger a bit but I am not flinching. I am still standing tall here on the ground where I stood.

I received an email from Infinity a few days ago. I read it but I did not reply. I did not know what to say. I thought I wanted to wait for awhile before replying but the next day, she emailed me again and accusing me of being very bitter about the whole break up thing and thus did not reply my email. She said it has been almost three years and yet I am still being resentful about it. So there goes, blowing her chance of getting her email replied. Fuck her Diary. I do not give a damn anymore. Well, that is her anyway. Always jumping to wild conclusion about how I am.

Tell me honestly Diary, do you expect to get your email replied just after a day of sending it? Is it plain stupidity with her or her brain just went bonkers? Screw her.

Hey Diary, I found this song. It is a true song of a man’s love towards his fiancée. Amazing love story I have ever heard of. They never get married but he is still with her. Hear the song, feel it ok.

I have to go. I need to shower. Bye now Diary. Love you so much.

I Will Be On A Road Trip...With Her!

Dear Diary,

I chatted awhile with Dark Chocolate this afternoon. She is back in Malaysia and she finds it awkward to be home. She told me she is lonely and all her friends are gone. Most of them are married and it made her feel so alone. I supposed she is feeling what I felt before when I first came back to Singapore. Changes, nobody can really adapt to changes easily especially overnight. I am still coping with the changes and I am not sure when will I finally accept the changed that has happened in my life.

How are you Diary? Have you been missing me like how I have missed you? I will be away tomorrow until Sunday and I hope I will come back with so much stories for you. I went to renew my passport this afternoon and apparently, my mum might have misinformed me about the procedures. I really thought that I could get the passport ready in a day but I was wrong. Well, that is what my mother told me. It was a lucky thing that my passport has at least seven months before it expires. If it were six months, I wouldn’t be able to go out of Singapore.

I tried to play a prank on Hello Kitty about it but she just wouldn’t believe me. I reckon she already knows what I am like. Time really can make people learn and study of someone else’s behavior. I am in the midst of trying to make a decision of what I want to do. To have a full time sales job or continue being an estate agent. It is not that easy to make a decision based on that but what I will put myself into if I choose either one makes it hard to make a decision.

I am relax a bit today Diary. I guess chatting to Dark Chocolate makes me feel at ease. At least, now I know almost everybody will feel like how I do. I supposed it is natural isn’t it Diary?

I have to go now Diary. I have a long day tomorrow. Hello Kitty is fetching me and we will be on a road trip. I can’t wait to have my car back so I can plan for road trip all the times. You know how I have enjoyed driving. I just have to make lots of money to do that. In nowadays context, money does buy everything. Don’t you agree?

Karunesh - Alibaba

I Have To Decide..Soon!

Dear diary,

I went for a career talk at one of the other agency. This agency specializes in project marketing, which consists of private properties. The career talk is all the same like my current agency only that they can offer me 85% in commission, which is 15% increase. I like the sound of that. However, to switch over to this agency requires money for the Institute of Estate Agent to do some documentations and paper works. That news dampens my spirit a little. I have money to pay for the transfer, more than enough actually but I hate the idea of having to pay and pay without making any money or progress in the industry.

Nevertheless, I am a bit convinced about this agency because of its reputation in the private property market. I am just not so sure if switching over would be good for me because I know despite of what the circumstances and situations are, it all boils down to me. Do I want to or not. If I had paid the money for the transfer and step it up, do what I am supposed to do diligently, yes the transfer would be worth it but if I had transfer and still practice the same working habits, it is not worth it. It really is up to me now. I have not thought what I really want to do. I am still indecisive and I presume time will help me decide. I shall not put pressure on myself.

I did a little organizing this morning. I woke up to the sound of the radio courtesy of my mother. She never fails to turn the volume up and attract attentions. I really hate it when she does that. Mum bought a new chest drawer unit from IKEA and she is disposing dad's documents drawer unit. I took it and dumped all my documents inside. I have no more outstanding organizing to do for my room now that all are done. Since moving into the new house, I have been to IKEA for a thousand times. Strangely, I never got tired of it. I like the concept and ideas. IKEA to me is like the furniture supermarket everyone must go.

I am going there again this evening. Hello Kitty is bringing her friend and I will have to show her the way there. She knows the way there but well, I suppose what we really want to do is to see each other. Hello Kitty has been supportive of my decisions. She has never question nor condemn me. I feel happy with her and most significantly blessed. I never have to fake my emotions neither do I have to be pretentious when I am with her. She allows me to be myself and that is why I am very comfortable with her.

Having her around helps me overcome this period of loneliness. I have been alone for so long before but really, coming back to Singapore was never easy for me. I had to leave the place I like in a sudden. What I had while I was there, I had to give up, even the car. Everything happened so fast I did not have a chance to let the facts settled. I became a bit lost and dreamy. It was hard for me Diary. Yes, my family is with me but I miss my life when I was there and being there was the thing I have always wanted to do since I was 18. It was crazy. I would like to repeat that but I know it will not happen so quickly. I have to teach myself to focus that my life is in Singapore now. People say, if you do not like something, change it; if you cannot change it, change the way you think about it.

Oh well, the transition period is never easy for anybody. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. I should be lucky that where I am now, it is safe at least in the history of countries hit by natural disaster. Have you heard of what happened in Japan Diary? It is sad and devastating but it already happened. Most foreigners there when interviewed said that the Japanese are very calmed. I guess experiences give them the upper hand. I never could visualize how I would be like if I were to be trap in such situations. I have never experienced it once. It is true how experience is the teacher of fools.

Perhaps I should just do the switch of agency. Don’t you agree Diary?

Katy Perry - Firework

Diary,

This is the song I listen to nowadays...a lot...!! I need the inspirations....

At Least I Know What I am Good At...

Dear Diary,

I have quit from my job that I thought I could make a career out of it. *Grins* I supposed I have lost my steam in everything that I do. I am as good as dead. Really. I do not know what I want to do in my life actually. I got an idea of what I want to do and to achieve but most things did not turn out the way I expected them to. It was my entire fault. I have no one else to blame but myself. I lose focus easily. I got sidetracked and deviated from the original plan without having a contingency plan. It has happened right from the beginning after my high school.

I do not really know how many times I have failed my parents. Every time I am halfway up, I am always halfway down. My road to success apparently is also my road to failure. I supposed I am not very good at achieving long-term goals because I have never been successful at it. However, I have always achieved short-term goals like reaching the summit whenever I set out to climb mountains or saving a certain amount of money by the deadline I set. That is what I am good at. I have realized that I am a late bloomer and an under achiever for long-term goals.

I might have to stop making long-term goals because if I know I am never going to accomplish them, I might as well stop making them. I am not being de-motivated I am simply being practical. I told my parents the truth and I can see the disappointment in their faces especially mum’s. She understood why I had to quit and I knew she stood by my decision. Well, what is a mother for anyway? I am not quite sure if my level of commitment to my parents would be the same like how theirs to me. Strange, how I can even say it. I ought to be ashamed of myself.

Perhaps I am so stress up. I am out of job. I am two years away from not becoming a youth and still do not have a career, money and basic accomplishments. I think half my life is spent trying to find something to do with the time I have rushed through life trying to save. Well, I say what the heck. Some people are at their forties and still do not know what to do or spend their time regretting for not doing what they wanted to do. As for me, I believe I am just being myself, the dreamer. *chuckles*

I am spending my time at home a lot lately. I clean the house and I organized it. You know we have just moved in to this house don’t you Diary? I have my own room now and I am so happy that I finally got my privacy back. I really miss privacy when I just came back to Singapore. Privacy did not exist in my life for the past seven months. My room is neat and I decorate it like how I did in my room in Subang Jaya. Gosh, I miss that house of mine. I even miss the bathroom. I remember my money plant I had in my room. Rolly Polly kept it with her and I wonder how the plant is doing.

My room is blue Diary. My mattress is queen and my wardrobe is high almost reaching the ceiling. It has four doors and I keep almost everything in there. I like everything about my room because this time I took control of what kind of furniture to buy which suits my taste. My bed frame is the wooden platform my brother used to have. It is nice and I brought back all the bed sheets I used to use in Subang Jaya. At least that saves me some money. I am proud to say that the furnitures in my room are largely recycled. Well, I did not want to spend unnecessarily Diary. However, honestly, I like my room and I am sure you will like it too if you are here.

I have everything that I need in my room. Bookshelves, television, DVD player, my workstation, my bed, my wardrobe, my notice board and not forgetting my space. Oh Diary, I am thankful that the miseries we had to go through are over. All the troubles we had to go through to get this house. It has been a great ordeal for my family. A long frustrating wait of seven months and it brought joy to our lives. I supposed good things always come to people who wait patiently. Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

Oh Diary, I have to go now. Love you so much.

I Think I Am Going To Leave...

Dear Diary,

I am so tired now. If I lay on the bed, I am sure I can simply fall asleep. How are you Diary? Have you been getting on well? Since the time I started writing to you, I have yawned for about four times. Work has really taken its toll on me and I am not sure how long I can last because I strongly feel that they will let me go tomorrow. My fate is uncertain in that company but instinct tells me that I absolutely have no future there.

Everyday when I wake up I have this feel of fear and bored to go to work. I did it for my parents all these while. I endured for a month and I persevered but I guess I have to admit defeat. There are so many things to say and tell about that company. Everything seems so nice on print media about that company. Never had I imagine that they would have that kind of unhealthy working environment. They have no standard operating procedures and Mr. Potato is just one son of a bitch that you do not want to have any contact. He is mean, rude, egotistical, arrogant and worst of all negative. He is the typical British man who thinks white man is still superior than, Asians.

I have lost steam and my juice of excitement has run low on supply. I have to drag myself to work. I am confused with their instructions. All they do to me is to make me even more confuse than how I already am. I feel like my hands and legs tied together when they want me to do my job. Everytime I am on the phone talking to prospects, I would have Mr. Potato breathing down my neck listening to every word I said. Tell me Diary, how someone can be natural, real and comfortable working when his superior acts like that? Every morning during role call, what you might say wrong in your phone calls will become a topic for them to discuss. They always make it like as though you did not know how to do your job well. Did they ask themselves why did we say the wrong words in the first place? Honest to God, I really did not feel that the training they conducted was well planned because if it were well planned, none of these hiccups would have happened.

Mr. Potato never fails to contradict himself. The instructions he gave me always did not reflect the company’s policy as a whole. I cannot compose my own email to send to prospects, I cannot surf the internet to do my research and I cannot go to my colleague’s place to chat. The situation at work is too controlling. I feel like I am working in a prison or something. There are just too many unwritten rules that I just do not know about. Mr. Potato always seems to be concern of what we talk about when I went to the others to have a chat about work. It is just annoying at how he would come up to you and asked what is going on when the conversation does not concern him at all.

The salary package is good and the office has decoration concept that tells you it has the finishing touches of a designer. The pantry has machines that serve you drinks you can find in a café like, cappuccino, latte, espresso, and tea of all sorts. Each staff has their own locker and I cannot deny that everything in the office impressed me. Everything seems nice and well decorated. Ironically, the running of the sales department slacked a lot. There are no standard operating procedures and too many managers with different working styles. I got confused with their instructions. I find myself getting puzzled with how to do things daily. Mr. Potato is just not approachable. He is simply a difficult man to explain things. I am not sure of my fate tomorrow but I will let you know soon Diary. Take care.