The News on New Year's Eve

Dear Diary,

Today is the last day of 2017. I wrote down the list of things to do daily and pinned it up in my bedroom as a reminder for me to be more discipline. It is just something that I know everybody must have. Successful people have this habit of writing their goals and dreams. I want to be successful too so I am following their habits.

I am all pumped and excited to welcome 2018 when I received a series of messages from Flying Babe. I knew I have this unspoken bond with her. A few days ago I have asked her if we could meet in Sabah as I have a ticket there. She answered me but it was not as I expected. I do not know how to describe it but it gave me some signal that some things are not right. My instinct still dominates.

She has been seeing somebody and it is a man. It started out as a casual friendship and then this man wants to be serious with her. He proposed to her and suggested to her to go for the marriage course which is compulsory if one wants to get married. She has not come to a decision yet. She is in a dilemma and she tells me because she does not want to feel guilty of giving me hope.

I was home alone. I read her messages and I paused for a while thinking. Honestly, I did not know how to react and I did not know what to say. I was confused. I wondered. I am not sure if I will ever find another love for other women like her again. We chatted for awhile. Emotions overcame me a little but I took control of it. I did not let myself engulfed in a state of sorry and anger. It has happened before two years ago and I felt the same kind of pain all over again. Somehow, I felt sorry for myself. I ponder at the idea of ever having someone to grow old with.

The conversation I had with her was neutral. I did not push her away. I did not blame her. It was more of a questions and answers session. It was about how we felt towards each other. For the first time in seven years, I finally admitted my feelings. I confessed to my plan two years ago before we stopped talking to each other. I had to let her know because I think she must know. I did not want to influence her I simply thought she should know.

If you ask me how I feel now. I have no answer for it. I have told you before I do not have any expectations anymore when it comes to love. I have stopped chasing people because it really hurt so much. At the end of the day, I am the one who has to wipe these tears. I am the one who has to learn how to heal and fix my broken heart. It can be too much for me to handle. It is painful Diary. Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. I am ready for anything and if it means that I have to lose her to a man, then I will accept it like a man.  The final comfort that is small, but not cold:  The heart is the only broken instrument that works. Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

It is different this time because if she does not choose me then I might have to let her go permanently. Knowing she will get married soon to a man is not easy because it is real. An official marriage between a man and a woman is binding and it takes serious marital problems to break it. I did not ask about the man. I did not want to. He has the upper hand because he can be there for her no matter what. I can’t. I am just someone who is far and away who can only love from a distance. I know my chances are slim but I took my chances anyway. If I fail this time, at least I know I have failed with dignity. And if I fail, I know it is time for me to move on and move forward for real. I cannot turn back. I have to leave all memories and all feelings behind as I can never plan my future by the past. We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there. 

If you hear this message
      Wherever you stand
      I'm calling every woman
      Calling every man
We're the generation
      We can't afford to wait
      The future started yesterday
      And we're already late

Love from a distance, 

Me