Money Talk

Dear Diary,

I fast today and I broke my fast with a bowl of laksa that cost me merely $2.50. That is how I am, as thrifty as I can be because I know I have to save for something more important in my life than food. Someone once told me that we cannot be stingy of what we want to eat. I beg to differ. Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. I have always live by the principle that we eat to live instead of live to eat. I eat simple meals most of the time. Occassionally when I have extra money, I would treat myself to a big feast. 

I am not stingy neither I am a penny pinching woman. I only spend on the necessity. A bargain is not a bargain unless it's something you need.  I watch what I spend and that is how I have what I have today. I am not in a position to eat luxuriously daily. It is not that I cannot afford it rather I am simply being practical. I always remember to beware of little expenses; because a small leak will sink a great ship. I have to save for my house and I have to save for my ultimate dream of having my own restaurant in Malaysia. You know that has always been my dream, don’t you Diary? It takes a lot of discipline to save because it is always easier to spend money than otherwise.     

My ex colleagues know me too well. Some respected me for that while others jeer me. They made fun of me because I always carry a water bottle with me when I eat out. I did not buy drinks as I always drink from the water cooler in the office. I keep the water in the bottle and that is how I save. I ignored the colleagues that made fun of me and spent most of my time by myself. If it is irrelevant to love, I know I handle things well, that is what I noticed. I did not let myself easily affected by all those shananigans. 

It is ironic that the ones, who jeered and made fun of me, always came to me to borrow some money. I did not say no as it was always a small amount of money. She needed it for work, I knew. The willingness to share does not make one charitable; it makes one free. The only way to treat a person who wronged you is to treat her with kindness. It seems to me that any full grown, mature adult would have a desire to be responsible, to help where he can in a world that needs so very much, that threatens us so very much. I read that somewhere. 

I have not achieved the amount I need yet but I am going to continue. I am excited to get my own house and I really cannot wait to design it. I have many plans but they are all long-term plans. I did not include anyone in the plan because I know it is not necessary. I rather focus on things that are certainly happening than things uncertain. This new job pays me averagely well without any chance of earning more from overtime. It is a very relax environment. I have never thought that it would be this slow paced.

I have done my calculations and I guess I have to moonlight to earn extra cash. I do not need it actually but I want to. I have some plans. I wanted to make a full settlement of my car but the money that I have is kept inside my public mutual unit trust. My agent advises me not to withdraw it as it has only been slightly more than a year I have invested and it would affect the quantity of units I have. You see Diary, unit trust is a long term savings plan. You can see the results when you keep your money there long enough, say five years and above. My agent told me that it is possible to have double the amount I invested if I keep my money there for at least 10 years. I am imagining, if I manage to keep RM100k inside, I would have RM200K in 10 years time. That is the plan actually. And how much interest can I get from the bank annually if I transfer RM100k into the savings account? I am sure I can retire comfortably like that.

I can sell my house in five years time after I have gotten the key and that will add up to the cash I would have if I decide to sell it. But before that I just have to make sure that I hold a work permit or a PR status in Malaysia. I have a long way to go Diary. It is a very very long way but I know it is possible if I set my mind to it. I want to stay healthy and happy. I believe I am happy now. I have a job that I know I can learn to like. I have a good family. I have few good friends that I can trust. I will have a house soon. I have a car. I figure those are enough to make me happy. It does not take much to make me happy. I must have faith in what I do and believe. It is okay if I do not have anybody that loves me. Love is secondary. Primary thing is, I know how to make myself happy.

I have been looking for a part time job quite actively now. I think I am gonna work over the weekends. Food and beverage is my preferred industry because that is where I am going to learn a bit about running my own food and beverage business if I have one soon. In Sha Allah. Oh Diary, I want to get braces for my teeth. I just remembered about it and yes, that will add up to my monthly expenses. But that is my priority. I will get it.

When Sensitivity Knocks Out Sensibility

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel that my sensitive nature is killing me softly. I wish I was not born as a sensitive person. It can be a little too difficult to handle at times. I wanted to be bold and extrovert but I cannot be what I am not. Pretending to be someone else is not cool. 

I get affected easily and I wish I had not asked the question.

Saving My Heart

Dear Diary,

I miss working at my previous company and I do miss the salary. The fast paced environment made me feel focus on my job. I did not have to care about my social life. I do not have any anyway. I am all alone, remember? My family is my only company. My two cats are my best friends. I think I will grow old alone and I probably will die alone in my house and only upon discovery of a foul smell, did the authorities realised that there is a dead body in the apartment. 

Well, we all have to die someday. With love or without love, we still die. We have no choice. It is not an option for us. I could have died a lonely woman or I could have died in the arms of my long time girlfriend who decided to put up with my bad tempered and sensitive nature; if I manage to find one. I doubt so. I am getting older and I have lost all my charm. Gone are the days when it was easy to find a girlfriend. 

As I grow older, I began to realised that it is not all about lust anymore. It is about putting up with each other’s nonsense. You have to tolerate each other’s weaknesses and embrace each other’s strengths. It is about you completing each other's lives. Love is a simple thing if the feelings are mutual otherwise it can be bitter and poisonous. What happens when you get hurt? You would pierce a knife into your heart so it would stop beating. You would choke yourself to death with tears streaming down your face. This is too much for me Diary. My sensitive nature is too fragile for I can only weep in silence while I bury my face in my palms. I will not let my heart ache again because I still need it to go on. I must be numb.

He Listens To My Prayers

Dear Diary,

Eversince I tendered my resignation, I became worry that I will not have any other job opportunities anymore. I was thinking that Allah is probably upset with me for not being grateful for what he had given me. I am ashamed of myself. At times I am angry. Why do I have to be like that? Why can’t I simply be thankful and stop being so easily affected by my surroundings. Why do I have to give up easily?

I regretted my action. I wish I had not tendered. I wish I held on a little longer. I wish I had been a little more patient. But I believe everything happened for reasons that we do not know. There must be reasons why I did what I did. So, I began to believe in qada and qadar and I prayed to Him for a chance. I asked him, if my rezeki is still with my old company, then give me one more chance but if my rezeki belongs somewhere else, make it be better than this one. I never failed to pray to him and ask him for that one thing. I only have Him and I know he listens to my prayers. I let him know of my thoughts and my concern. I gave Him 100% of my attention when I prayed. 

I have an interview tomorrow with the agency and an interview with the hiring company on Friday. I hope things will turn out well. I still hope that the old company will call me back to work but I accept whatever happens because I know I have sent Him my message. If I am not meant to work there anymore, please let me have something better because He knows what is best for me. I took the chance to seek help from Him in this holy month of Ramadan. He hears me and I know he listens too.

What I Feel About Leaving

Dear Diary,

I finally tendered and I have served my notice. 18th of June was my last day. I am sad because I know I am leaving a job that I like. Yes, after so many jobs that I have done, I know this is what I want to do; logistic. It was difficult in the beggining but I got over it. I became good at it although I was not yet skillful. I served my clients as best as I could. Learnt everything as quickly as I could. Took down notes diligently. It was not easy. I swear. 

I had dreams about work. I think about work during weekends and I became worrysome. I worry about it every minute. It affects my mood at home. I became very bad tempered and I snap at my parents over the slightest mistakes. That was what I had become. Situations can get tense because everything I had to do came with deadlines. It was tough and can be very time consuming when you are stuck at certain phase of the order processing. I had to use lots of excel. I had to apply lots of formulas into the excel sheets. The process to create an order can be tedious for some customers. I got very frustrated over it. It was not an easy sailing. 

I had to manage 3 accounts and all the orders from all the 3 accounts can come simultaneously. Imagine my workload. Comprehend my stress. Feel my pressures. I did 72 hours of overtime last month. I got mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. It was my second month. I had to do many things. Some customers can be demanding and make lots of ad hoc requests adding more to my already existing many workloads. As if that was not enough. I had to do month end billing. So there you go...one after another of the things I had to learn and absorb. I finally have had enough of it all. I was pretty sure it has taken its toll on me. I gave 24 hours notice and now I am regretting it. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I could have had more patience with things. I wish I did not make the decision based on impulse. It is too late for me now and I am too ashamed to tell them I wanted back in. 

I have never felt like this before. Most of the jobs that I have left, I did it happily but not this one. I knew it then that this is the job I like to do. Ever since I came back to Singapore, I have been changing jobs too frequently. Too frequent until I can be considered as a job hopper. When I have finally found something that I like to do, my impulse took the better of me. *sigh* If only I could explain to you how regretful I am for leaving the company. I cannot retract my resignation. They have found a replacement. I was assigned to train her. My 24 hours notice was retracted and it became 2 weeks notice. My leader seek my understanding to come back to serve 2 weeks as she needed my presence to train my replacement. I came back. I trained my replacement and only then I realised how much I have learnt overtime until I could passed down my knowledge to her. 

I taught her almost everything I knew. Whatever that she needed to learn I taught her. The training was squeezed into 2 weeks and I swear I knew it was impossible for her to absorb. How can a person possibly remember everything in 2 weeks? Apart of me was glad that I was leaving but another part of me was sad. I knew I was improving but that was never acknowledged by my superiors. All I heard was how I was slow in processing the orders and how I was a "ganjiong spider". You know what that means Diary? It is a Singapore slang for being easily panick. I was a little offended. 

There I was, trying my best to fulfill all the orders. No matter how stressful it was, I still came to work. I worked until late at night just so I could catch up with my work. For the 2 months I was there, I was never late. Not once have I been absent or on sick leave. I started work at 830am and I usually ended at 930pm on the average. There was once I left office at 1220am just so I could finished my billing reports. I barely worked there for less than a month and my mentor had to be on course for 3 days continously and the week after that, she was gone for 4 days for a holiday in Bangkok. I still came regardless. I still braved myself for whatever that came. There I was alone on my own with little or no help at all. 

Now Diary, do you think I deserve that kind of associations? Slow and a ganjiong spider. People should learn to appreciate other people but it is sad that people only remember other people's weaknesses than strengths. My replacement was on the verge of giving up when I was there serving my 2 weeks notice. I did not know how she was going to cope after I am gone. I do not wish to know. I do not think I need to know. I am still sad about what happened. I still think I should not have left. I like this job very much and I have gotten the hang of it. But I am also afraid to stay. 

There are many things that is on my mind about this job. One thing for certain is I do like this job and I enjoy coming to work everyday. There was not a single day where I dragged myself to work despite all the hardships I have faced. I expected at least some recognitions but that did not come. When I was training my replacement, I felt a little bit upset knowing that I will be gone soon and I am no longer needed. But how can I feel like that when that was what I wanted. You get what I mean Diary? I asked for it and I got what I wanted and I should not feel this way but I did. Sad. No, I must not feel sad. I should be happy. There were times when I hope that I would simply disappear from the face of the earth just so I could escape from all the paperwork. If I have felt that way, why must I be feeling sad to leave? 

There were a couple of times my leader tried to talk to me to stay. I did not really engaged myself in the conversation. All I was thinking, they already got a replacement. How can I stay? Ironically, my replacement was a temporary staff and apparently she was somewhat tricked into having this job. She came in thinking that she was going to do administration job not knowing that she was going to do my job to replace me. They told her she would be converted to a permanent staff depending on her performance. My manager told her that she would be replacing an ex staff who have left. That ex staff was forgetful and a little bit of a blur bloke. She took down the notes but she did not know what she had taken down. That was what my replacement told me. I somewhat felt that was me. Who else could it be. I knew it then that all my efforts were not recognized. Sad. 

 I still do not have a job waiting. And I still do not know if this is the right decision. I am tired of myself. Sometimes I hate myself for being too carefree, too stubborn and too sensitive. I cannot help it. I wish I would be more insensitive towards my surroundings. I wish my heart would be as cold as ice so I will not be easily affected. I wish Diary....I wish. If I could do a miracle, I would change my personality because being a sensitive person can be exhausting. I am in Tangkak now. Been here since Friday. I have always felt so peaceful here. No worries, no stress and no tensions. Tangkak is my sanctuary. It is the place where I seek for serenity and tranquility. But I know I cannot be here forever. There are things I need to do in Singapore. I have commitments to attend to. 

Well...Diary, I wish I do not have to feel this way. I am tired of myself actually. Why do I always have to do this? 

On The Edge

Dear Diary,

I am on the verge of giving up. I really am. There are many difficulties that I face and the stress level is high. The job is demanding and I cannot cope. I have tried so hard to keep up but I think I have had enough. It is not easy when most of the times I do not know what to do and how to do things. To add up to the difficulties, some trainer are not willing to teach me again the things that they have taught me before. They might have think that I should have known how to get things done by now. The truth is I still don't and I forget things. I barely work here for 1 month and 5 days so how can they expect me to learn quickly. They probably have certain hopes for me which can perhaps be unrealistic. 

Sometimes I feel that I am not getting the support that I need when I need help. There are 2 trainers that are training me; one is helpful and understanding but one is selfish and not helpful. I would like to call her Cunt. Cunt is from China and has been living and working in this company for 3 years. Can you compare me with her? Absolutely not. You always compare an apple with an apple. You cannot compare a staff with 3 years of working experience with another staff with barely 1.5 months of experience. That is the logic. 

The environment is fast pace and everybody try to do their job as quickly as possible. Everybody has deadlines to meet and tasks to complete. I cannot cope Diary. It is too fast pace for me and it can be a little too overwhelming. I do not know what to do sometimes. Things are only easy when I know what to do and how to do it but now I don't. And for me to know what to do and how to do it will probably take me 6 full months. And I cannot do it alone. I must be patient, the people around me must be patient and if the patience do not come with understanding, I am afraid I will have to give up.

Selamat Hari Ibu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini hari Ibu. Aku tidak mempunyai apa apa pun untuk ibuku tetapi aku tahu dia tahu apa dalam hati ku. Aku sentiasa mendoakan kesejahteraan dan kebahagiaan ibuku. Aku sungguh sungguh berharap bahawa dia akan hidup lagi lama supaya aku boleh berjasa dengannya. Kadang kala ada juga selisih faham dengannya tetapi di satu sudut dalam hatiku seboleh bolehnya aku mahu sahaja rewind hidupku supaya keselisihan faham itu tidak wujud.

Aku bukanlah seorang anak yang baik Diary. Tetapi aku tahu aku mencuba untuk jadi yang terbaik dan tidak mahu menitiskan air matanya. Hingga sekarang dia tidak tahu siapa aku sebenar benarnya. Ini adalah satu satunya perkara yang aku mesti sembunyikan darinya. Pasti kecewa hatinya jikalau dia tahu. Jikalau aku boleh melakukan miracle, sudah tentu aku akan mengubah jiwa naluri aku untuk menjadi seorang yang normal. 

Maafkanlah anakmu ini wahai ibu kerana tidak mampu memberikan menantu dan cucu padamu. Sangat susah untuk menipu diri dan berpura pura untuk mencintaai. Kalaulah engkau boleh merasa apa yang aku rasa Diary, engkau pasti faham dengan keadaan diri aku. Aku tidak pernah berbangga dengan pilihan hati aku tetapi siapa aku untuk menidakkannya? Aku manusia. Aku punyai nafsu dan kelemahan. Aku tidak sekuat mana yang engkau sangkakan. Aku tidak mohon untuk orang sekeliling menerima siapa aku sebenarnya tetapi aku cuma mahu difahami. 

Aku tahu saudara mara mesti bercakap ataupun bertanya tentang diri aku tetapi apakan daya aku tidak mampu mengawal apa orang hendak berfikiran mengenai diriku. Cukuplah sahaja untuk aku tidak melayan kerenah mereka kerana mulut manusia memang tidak boleh aku kawal. Biarkan sahaja si luncai terjun dengan labu labunya. Janganlah aku turut terjun kerana itu hanya merugikan aku.

Memang hati aku mungkin sudah tutup untuk menerima cinta dari seorang lelaki. Bukan aku sombong tetapi aku tidak mampu membalas cinta seorang yang bergelar lelaki. Hati aku sudah aku tetapkan untuk dia, perempuan yang tidak pernah aku jemu menyayangi tetapi aku juga tidak pasti jikalau dia sudi menerima aku kembali. Susah untuk aku menceritakan. Kadang kala ingin sahaja aku bertanya kepada dia supaya teka teki ini akhirnya terjawab tetapi aku juga sebenarnya takut. Takut untuk menerima jawapan yang bukan aku harapkan. Jadi biarkan sahaja teka teki itu tidak terjawab. 

Aku tidur dulu Diary. Esok aku mahu kerja; sesuatu yang menakutkan untukku. Selamat malam dan selamat hari ibu.

Different People, Same Hope

Dear Diary,

I had a chit chat with mother about my work. It was a good conversation. At least I managed to release the tensions that I have been holding up. I told her about the environment and I told her about my colleagues. Well, she asked and so I told. I did not complain.

I can see that she hopes for me to stay in this job. She probably notices that I do not stay in one company for long. No I am not job hopping but I think some people think I am. I am not sure but I have to admit that I have worked in more than 20 places all my life. I am 38 and if I have worked in more than 20 places, yes I am afraid I have been job hopping. I did not mean to but I had to because I have low tolerance of things that I do not like to do. 

I have this natural habit to walk away from problems. I do not like to face problems instead I walk away. That probably contributes to the reasons why I have held so many jobs before. But...after all that, I still manage to buy a house, own a car, go for long vacations, pay my bills and gives pocket money to my parents. So at least that gives me the pleasure to know I am useful and responsible to be able to achieve all that despite not having a career. 

So you see Diary, simply because one does not have a career, that does not stop one from achieving necessary but simple things in life. Of course my car does not cost me 100 thousands and my house does not cost half a million. I did not have a luxurious holiday instead I had a simple backpacking holiday but still had enough to shop while vacationing. I do not give thousands of dollars of pocket money to my parents but I give them in hundreds. I hardly eat at fancy restaurants but I have never gone hungry or starved to death because I have no money to put food on the table. 

I am insured with 4 insurance policies and I have not lapsed any premiums yet. I am 100% medically covered so that gives me assurance if I die, my family especially my parents have money for their expenses from my death. If I get sick, I know I do not have to worry about my hospital bills since I am fully covered. I have savings in my bank account and and I have invested some money in unit trust that pays my beneficiaries double the amount in my investment should I die. Yes, I have made the preparations because I do not want to die as a burden to my family. I have made a vow if I were to die, my parents would not have to worry about having less money to spend for expenditures as I have made sure they will have enough. 

So Diary, can I quit if I am finding it hard to cope with my work? No, I do not plan to quit just yet. I like this job and I will be fine. I know I will be good at it when the time comes. I am strong, I know that. Even Flying Babe agrees. She hopes the same for me too like my mother; that I stay longer in this job. Perhaps she notices my work habit. Does it matter? Yes it matters. Her opinions of me always matter. Two very important women in my life, they are different but share same hope for me. I do not want to fail them. I will try hard not to fail them. I know it is hard but I am trying.

I pray to Allah that things are going to be good for me. I hope Allah hears and answer my prayers. Please Allah make things easier for me at work. Please make my colleagues understand my situations at work. Please Allah, I need your help big time. I am praying so hard now because I know you will help me. I have faith in you.

Keep Calm And Say Astaghfirullah

Dear Diary,

How are you? I wish you well there, wherever you are. I had a lot to say to you before I began writing but it seems that I am having a mental block now and I am unsure if I can continue writing. Oh well perhaps we can talk about my work ya? 

I have gotten my own permanent desk in the office. I have set up my pc and it is ready to use. I have not organised my stationaries and documents yet. A part of me feels excited but another part of me feels scared. Taking over the desk from my predecessor also means that I am holding 3 accounts officially and that scares me. Why does it scare me? She has moved to a new office downstairs and that means she is nowhere near me if I need to ask her questions about the account I took over from her. I hate it.

I hate the arrangements that were made. I hate the on the job training I had. I hate how things are done so quickly without even consulting me if I would be comfortable about it. That is the thing. I wish my manager takes notice that I still need guidance to serve all these 3 accounts. I can always talk to my superior about this but I had done it before and things were better a little but after awhile, things go back to the usual. I cannot be talking to her frequently about my problems as I certainly do not wish to be seen as someone who likes to complain and making excuses.

I want to keep this job but I hate it when I always have mixed feelings about it. Where did the mixed feelings come from? Is it from me? Perhaps I must coach myself that it is all in my imaginations. It is about mind over body. When my mind is clear, then the worries will be gone. But, how can I not worry when I know help is hard to come by on that one particular account. I pray hard to Allah that things are gonna be fine for me at work. Saying “Astaghfirullah” has been my practice. I know I have no one else to talk about this fear and worry I have about work, but I know I have Him to turn to. He never pushes me away. 

The Power of Istighfar – Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness of Allah) 

People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recited this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.

• Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
• Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
• Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
• Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
• Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
• Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
• Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
• Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
• Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
• Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
  

  “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].