Headache Thursday

dear diary, i woke up this morning with a pounding headache on the right side of my head. i am scared because nurse Lily who was in charge of my brother told us that the easiest symptom to know for brain tumor is to have a headache when you get up in the morning. well, i am not paranoid but i am just taking precautions. it was pounding and it hurts quite a bit from morning till now late at night. i might have to go for a check up. i just want to play safe. i hope it is not anything serious. i have been feeling very sleepy lately and i admit i have little sleep nowadays. so i hope this headache is due to my lack of sleep.

i have been thinking of my brother a lot lately. so many things are coming back to me. i know i miss him but i have got no one to talk to. it's hard diary. i don't want people to think that i am petty. i just feel that i am missing him so much. i miss the times when i joked with him. i miss the times when we teased each other. sometimes, i wonder, if i were to die instead of him, would he have missed me like how i am missing him? would he have taken care of me like how i took care of him? we always had this love hate relationship but it was normal wasn't it? siblings do argue and fight over petty issues but we knew we love each other because we are flesh and blood. nothing on earth would ever change that. i am still coping with his death. it is still a shock to me and everytime i read the Yassin for him, i would shed tears and get all sad again.

there are a few things which i have regretted after his death and all i can do now is pray. i have not stopped praying since the day he died. i am not sure if that is what it is all about. i have never been praying religiously all my life because i have never felt it was my responsibility to pray as a Muslim. eversince his death, i became closer to God. i wanted to learn to read the quran, and i have this dream to be able to read it for him. i have this thirst of knowing more about Islam, the religion i have been blessed with. i am not sure if this mood is just a temporary one or not but i do hope that it is going to last. i know what i am but that does not stop me from becoming a practising Muslim. there is always a silver lining behind every dark cloud and when things happened, it could be a blessing in disguise. sometimes, it takes the death of a person to change another person's life. and i guess, in my case it's a brother's love.

there are so many things that i have been thinking about and i just keep on thinking about them till i stop. i just want to do things sincerely and not out of obligations. i know i still have to choose one day but all i want to do now is to continue praying for self discoveries. i keep thinking about Aramis, the love of my life. she's so quiet nowadays and i just let her be. i do not want to pursue about it anymore. she is an adult and she knows what are her responsibilities in a relationship. i think i have done enough on my part and i am going to stop now. i don't want to be the participant anymore, i want to be the spectator now. it's good to watch and observe. i still love her but i will just wait and see if she can love me back. i am taking things slow now at my own pace.

i have started on my keyboard and the skating lessons are due next month. i hope to learn new tricks and stunts so i can show off to the girls. i was always doing things to impress some girls but i think i am going to stop, it's not worth at all and a total waste of time. i have started on my novel and i am going to give myself 2 years to complete. it is going to be controversial but yet consist of a very well planned and analysed recipe. the main ingredients are life, love, death, religion, relationships and sacrifices.

i miss aramis and little sister so much. i hope they are safe and sound and in the pink of health. Please god, save them from any harm. give them good health...always.

Missing Monday

dear diary, i have been thinking about little sister and i hope she is fine. she sent me an email last night and it made me realised how life has affected some of us. we often think that we are the unlucky and the unfortunate ones but we fail to see that there are many others who are more unfortunate. we often overlook our happy lives with the little miseries we have had. the email little sister wrote was an eye opener and i just realised that life is not so bad after all. we lost and we gain, we walk, we stumble and we fall but we got back up on our feet and continue our life journey. we laugh and we cry and we dry our tears and laugh again. little sister has shown me courage and strength like no one else ever did. she has been the bravest of hearts that i have come across. i wish that i were there to give her a hug so that she knows i care. i love her and i hope she knows how much she means to me.

i still think of my brother and how he was when he was still alive. sometimes, i still can't believe that he is gone forever. it is hard to believe when you have been living under the same roof together for more than 20 years. i am still angry over his death but there is nothing that i can do about it. it's hard to explain what i am feeling for him. i miss him so much. i have learnt to recognise the characters of Jawi and i am going to learn how to read the Quran so that i can read for him. i am looking for someone who can teach me how to read. it's hard to find but i am not giving up. i still think that i have done my brother many wrongs and i am doing all i could to make it up to him even after he is dead. i want to do a good deed for him. i know that i have not been nice to him but i am only human. for all the wrongs that i have done to him, one thing for sure is i love him till the end of time.

Moody Thursday

dear diary, i have been feeling very demoralised to live nowadays. i really wonder why that is. it is strange cos i have never felt like this before. it is like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i know it's about my brother's death but there is something else that adds up to it.

i feel that i am missing something but i do not know what it is. i am not badly affected by this sudden emotional roller coaster but it is disturbing to have feelings like this and i hate it very much. i have tried to overcome this feeling by going shopping and bought myself a keyboard but it didn't work. probably because i have not got my hands on the keyboard yet, that is why i am not quite excited.

i have lots of things to accomplish, i have wrote it down in a list. i hope to achieve them in 5 years time. i feel so lost now and i hope with my new list of things to do, i will be a happy woman again. you know how much i wanted to leave home for KL but i had to postpone it till very late 2005. i have to accompany my parents. the house is quiet now with less people. the maid's gone and angah's gone forever too. i need to search for something that could make me feel bigger than life again. i need to look for something that gives me a purpose to live and a reason to breath. i am not suicidal but i am just depressed.

the actress called me last night and i felt good. she has this sweet and sharp voice. i was not nervous when i spoke to her but i always watch what i say to her cos i do not want to turn her off. i often wonder how she looks like. my conversations with her have never been intimate. we chatted on common topics about life. i cannot recall if we ever conversed about love or matters of the heart. those two topics are very foreign to us. i like it this way. i like to have mutual friendships with no emotions involved, even if there is, it would be quietly dismissed. don't get me wrong diary, i am actually tired of long distance relationship and i feel that refraining myself from developing any emotional attachments to anybody is a wise move for now. maybe i will wait till i finally live in KL for good.

little sister is her usual self. she sent me an email which i read with joy. she sounded so typical of a little sister. pampered and spoilt but always adorable. she told me she's jealous cos i have had other friends who are so close to me that they can pass as my sisters. hahaha...she's so cute and naughty, always finding ways to tease me. well that's what little sister is all about isn't it?

oh diary, i have to go now, i don't want to miss my favourite drama series of THE OC. i will catch you later ok. take care.

Live smart

Dear diary, the wedding was great and I quite enjoyed myself there even though I was tired. I helped out with the clearing of dirty plates and glasses from the tables and the distribution of drinks. There were some bad co-ordination but overall it was smooth. When you go to functions like this, you will be able to see who are the helpful ones and who are not. You will be able to see the true colours of people and how much spirit of ?gotong-royong? is in them. It is fun when you are helping with a group of people who are helpful and have so much spirit of ?gotong-royong? but it is a misery if it is otherwise.

I have seen the real characteristics of all my cousins and relatives and I have selected a few whom I will be helping if it is their wedding. It?s time to get even now and no more Mr. Nice Guy attitude. It?s sickening to be helpful to those who do not appreciate your help and who do not want to help back when it is your turn. I am going to play it smart now. We took a family photo with the bride and groom and for the first time, I literally see and realised that there are only 5 of us left. I kept thinking of my late brother when I was posing for the picture. I was sad because that was the first time we took a family photo after my brother?s death. It just occurs to me that there is one family member missing from the picture not because he was away overseas or busy at work and couldn?t come to the wedding but he was missing from the picture because he is dead and he is not coming back forever. It hurts so much and once again I was encapsulated with sorrow. I didn?t know if my mum or my dad felt the same way like I did but I knew they were thinking of my late brother when the cameraman was busy snapping the picture.

I did my hair a little different than usual and I put on some make up to the wedding. Everybody said that I look good which made me feel pleased and confident. It?s been a long time since I put on some make up and do my hair different for a function. Mum wanted me to wear her kebaya but it was a little too big for me and so I stuck to my choice of baju kurung kedah which is my favourite. I had it 5 years ago and I still can wear it. Amazing isn?t it? I need to add a few pieces of kebaya to my collection of Malay traditional clothes.

The cough is killing me. I have been caughing my lungs out for a week now. It?s a misery because I can?t get a good night sleep without coughing and everytime I cough my chest hurts. Everytime I travel on the train, I have to refrain myself from coughing because if I would, it would be loud and I know I will attract a lot of attentions from people. But it is difficult cos refraining yourself from coughing is like holding the urge to sneeze. I have been taking cough medicines and I hope I will be cured soon.

It?s been a week now that russia and I have not been exchanging news. I called her mobile twice last night but the calls were unanswered. I didn?t sms her to tell or to ask and she didn?t explain to me either so I just let it be. There are some things that are best left unspoken. I think the feelings are slowly diminishing but we both do not say a word about it. I have been quiet and so is she and I guess both of us just want to let things be that way. She has said some stuffs that turned me off and I have said some stuffs that turned her off and so the things left to do now is to be by ourselves.

I have promised little sister a picture of myself and I didn?t take any photo during the wedding cos my digi cam battery was flat. I miss little sister and I have always prayed for her to be in the pink of health. I do not want anything to happen to her and I hope she will always be blessed with a happy life.

Missing him, missing her...

Dear diary, little sister has not sent me any news for two days now. I am starting to get worried. I couldn?t think of any other possible reasons except that she might be busy or she might be hospitalised again. I am not sure if it is something that I said in my previous email. But I didn?t say anything that sounded as if I am pitying her too much cos she did mentioned to me that if I tried to sound pitiful towards her, she might just leave me. she hates people to have pity on her. I hope I didn?t sound like that cos I know I am not. I am just concerned about her. Please God, make sure she is safe and sound.

I bought another watch diary. It?s Casio and it?s an old model but I have wanted to have this watch since my secondary school days. It?s nice and I like the design but it?s digital though. This watch is very popular among students last time. I can almost see 2 in every students wear this watch. The design is simple but stylish and it is affordable as well. They only had it in one colour last nice time now it comes with many colours. I chose indigo blue because I think it?s the most attractive one. I wanted to have pink but I have got the Titus watch in pink so I settled for blue.

Aramis texted me few days ago. She sounded almost like she was begging me to reply her message but I didn?t. I am not sure what I want to do with her anymore. I really do not know. I miss her so much but I am scared that she will repeat history again. We have had so many ups and downs and sometimes I feel that she is not treating me fairly. Too many issues involved that only she and I can understand. I am dissapointed with her beyond words and I am still in pain. I don?t have any grudges against her but I have to protect my interests nowadays. I cannot be the nicest and forgiving person anymore. I still love her but I know I have to take it slow and not to pursue it like there is no tomorrow. I want to die a happy woman. There are so many things she has done that make me almost give up on her. When I think back of what I?ve gone through with her, I feel stupid because it was unbelievable. I love her so much that I have overlooked what is logic and what is not. Love is indeed something that make you do crazy things. Nevertheless, I am still praying for her well-being and happiness. I know I still love her but I can only do it from a distance now.

I saw Trainer, an old friend last Thursday. She knew about my brother?s death. I have known her since I was 15 and I noticed how much we have grown up. She?s building her career now as a Fitness Trainer and I can see how well toned her body is nowadays. She gave me some tips on how to lose that extra kilos which I have already known but only too lazy to get it started properly and enthusiastically. She told me I?m skinny but I am skinny fat in real terms. That means, I am skinny and have an ideal weight for my height but I still have baby fats and don?t have a well toned body.

Yeah yeah, I have known that fact but I guess I am just too occupied to work out. The dumb bells I bought 5 years ago have not really been picked up by me for more than 5 times on a regular basis. But I am happy with how much I weigh now. She told me that I didn?t look a bit sad or depressed. She said I am strong. Well, all I can say is how much sorrow can you show to people when you are in public or in the company of people? How much can people feel what you are feeling inside? Who can tell that there is a hidden sadness and sorrow underneath that smiling face? Nobody knows and nobody can tell. The feelings come spontaneously and you will never know when. Losing someone is not easy especially when you know he is not coming back. You started to have regrets and at times you can get angry with yourself over his death. It?s just too difficult. Only time can help you to heal.

Weak Tuesday

Dear diary, I have been busy with my family events and I haven't found time to write to you. But I am glad that I am free to write now and I have so many things to tell you.

Traveller sent me a text message sending her condolence to my family and I over the death of my brother. She sent it late because she just got the news. I invited her over to my house but I knew it was not easy for her cos she is in KL and it was a rush for her at an invitation at such short notice. After so long we have been separated, we are still friends although we hardly talk nowadays. She is a nice person and someone whom I can depend on but I do not know if she still lives up to my impression cos she and I are no longer together.

Thinking about traveller makes me go back to my olden days when I was actively travelling between KL and Singapore. I remember those friends I used to hang out with especially pink. Pink and I share some things between us. I am not sure if I ever loved her but I knew I was attracted to her. She is sweet and I can say pretty as well. Pink has always been the center of attraction among us. I tried to woo her but she turned me down, it was no surprise cos I have always thought of her as the social and flirty one among us. It is no wonder if she ever tries to seduce everybody in her own way. I guess it is just she. She once confessed to me that she likes me and hope that we can be together as a couple after 4 years of friendship. I kept quiet and just smile at her. I haven't heard of her for quite some time now. I try to have minimal contacts with people as possible. I just want to lay low for a while.

I called little sister last night and talked to her. It is good to hear her voice again. I miss her sweet voice so much. Whenever I hear her voice, I get so excited. If I were to compare her voice with some fruits, I think it would be strawberry. Naturally sweet and pretty. I spoke to her about stuffs. Aramis and Russia in particular. She made me...she was just concern about me. I felt that she is appreciating me and I am thankful to god for meeting her. i told her that i am sick today and she sent me an email reminding me to take my medicines. she is just so lovely..

I wrote aramis an email telling her about what and how I have been doing in her silence. I knew she would not reply but I wrote to her anyway. She is just one stubborn and strong woman that I have ever come across. I have never met anyone like her before. She left such a strong impact in my life that I do not know if I am able to go on if she is really leaving me for good. She has been gone for 4 years before and it could be happening again. It is scary to be feeling like how I am feeling. I feel so lost and hopeless when I haven't heard from her. I pray that she will always be safe and sound.

Russia called me on Sunday night after the kenduri. I was not in my best mood. She called me again this afternoon and asked what went wrong. I just didn't know what went wrong. Everything seems wrong nowadays. I knew it's because of aramis but I can't let her know. It is madness to tell her. I wonder why some people make things so complicated. I guess Russia has started to feel neglected and she is jumping into wild accusations diplomatically. I let it be. I kept quiet. I am so sick of everything. I told little sister last night that I will not let anyone affect my mood easily nowadays. I will only concentrate and appreciate the people who has make me feel good. I think that is what I am going to do. Little sister has been nice to me. She has been caring and sweet like a chocolate. She deserves my good treatment.

I wrote an email to the actress. It is my first email to her and there will be many more to come. I want to get to know her. She seems nice. I hope to meet her soon.

I am going to be a godmother soon diary. I am so happy that I can't wait. I have started to write a list mentally of what I want to buy for my first child. I want my child to call me Umy Fudge. hahaha...how's that? I want to raise her to be a good citizen with great visions. I think I am going to be a strict mother.

My dad cried during the kenduri. He is still remembering my late brother. I don't blame him and I understand what he feels. He has lost a son and I have lost a brother whom had been a great playmate. I often joked and teased him. There is no replacement for him. I have disciplined myself to do the daily prayers. I feel good after each prayer and I will not stop till the last bit of energy left in my body.

i have to fingers off diary, i am sick and feeling feverish a bit. i am so weak. i need to rest. take care diary.

Relax Wednesday

dear diary, I have came down with a fever today and I feel so weak. my body is burning up and i have not taken any medicines yet. everything seems to be weak and i can't wait for the fever to subside. i have not heard any news from little sister. i am starting to wonder what is wrong with her. i hope she is fine and safe. it is not like her not to send me any news of herself. we always exchange news fortnightly and it is very unusual for her to be silent. i really hope she is not upset with me over some things which i have overlooked. her birthday is on the 1st of september and i had forgotten to wish her a happy birthday, i hope she is not mad at me. i just miss her so much.

russia and i had a good long talk last saturday. we talked about stuffs which enlightened me a little about our relationship. it was just a casual open talk. i spoke the truth and so did she, but i am not sure whether we came to a conclusion cos i really didn't know. anyway, at least now, we have a mutual understanding of how things work and i guess, we are just going to let nature takes its course. i really don't know how to take things between us, we still have a long way to go before i finally be there and it is hard to tell if we can survive this ordeal. she passed me a remark saying that if things were to happen and we have to be separated, she really hopes that we can still be friends. i got an uneasy feelings when she said that but i ignore it and continued with the conversations casually.

i didn't really put any high hopes on us anyway. it is hard to commit to a long distance relationship when you are not ready for it. a lot of factors are involved, time, money, energy and sacrifices. i am not sure if i am ready for serious relationship. i think i am sick of love. very funny but it may be true. too many elements are involved when you are in love. to my understanding, love comes in a package and it does not manifest on its own. love comes with lust and pain and there are two kinds of love that i know of. love with kinship and love with lust which is to have sexual desires. after that, comes the flavours of love. it can be bitter and it can be sweet. oh well, love is just a simple thing it is only us the citizens of the world who gives love a bad name.

aramis sent me a couple of messages but i just ignored them. it's sickening and i am getting used to ignoring sms especially when they come from certain people. i have no grudges, no hatred against them but i just want to be quiet with them. i am very reserved naturally anyway so i am used to having less friends and doing things alone. it's better like that. i am not dependent on people and i guess that makes me a strong person. honestly, there isn't anybody that i am missing terribly right now except for my late brother and little sister. i used to miss aramis a lot but i gues she has taught me how not to miss her anymore. i have moved on from that and it is time to focus on things which are more important.

i think there will be one time in your life when you reach to a stage where you have grown immune to anything and everything and you won't find it exciting or interesting anymore. i guess it is the growing old syndrome that has just hit me. it's really funny diary. i guess this is the reason why aged people are usually relax, calm and collected when they see things and hear stories. i am becoming like that and i am happy with it. i am getting old am i not diary?

Emotional Friday

dear diary, I received two emails from little sister and she sounded her usual self. pampered and adorable as always. sometime I wonder how is she like in person. I wonder how would it be if I were to meet her. I wonder how is it like to hold her hands. she has been nice and knowing her has been the greatest thing in my life. she came at the time I was down and I can see that she is trying to be there for me. I am not a petty person diary. I usually keep stuffs to myself. I hardly share it with people. it is hard to open up when you live in a closet. the only way I release all the emotions in me is to write or maybe soon, play the piano. little sister has been the avenue where I can share my little secrets.

I am beginning to open up to her slowly. I have told her about my most wanted things to do list. I have told her about myself little by little. I told her about how I got sidetracked in school and how I have become a late bloomer. it is good to have someone whom you can share all your life experiences, thoughts, ideas, predicaments, secrets and your wish and hope. it gives you this strength inside you that has been sleeping waiting for something or someone to trigger it. I wish that she is here to stay for good and not to disappear like how some people do. people always come and go but the good ones will always stay. it's always like that isn't it? we meet new people and make new friends. but we fail to see that those people are not our friends, they are merely acquaintances you bump into in your life journey. we study and observe them. we stay with them if we feel comfortable otherwise we just pack our bags and leave. those who stay are your friends and they will be the one who cry, laugh and fight with you. they will be the one whom you will love to hate and hate to love. they will be the one who left footprints in your heart. I believe little sister will eventually leave footprints in my heart.

aramis is still giving me the silent treatment for reasons I do not know. there is nothing much that I can do except to pray for her. it is enough to know that she is healthy, happy and safe from harm. I feel it in my heart that I am missing her so much and only god knows if it is worthwhile.

russia is probably mad at me. we had a little misunderstanding about an issue. it was a small matter. I really don't know how I feel towards her. it's hard to say but undoubtedly, she has left an impact in my life. in fact, she has been the source of strength and motivations for me. I feel very motivated whenever I am with her, probably because she likes to push my button and I always have this desire to prove her what I am made of. I always take her as that someone whom I want to prove that I will be from nobody to somebody someday...

I am still waiting for my keyboard to arrive. I feel like it is taking forever to be delivered to my home. I can't wait to get my hands work at it. there are so many songs I want to play. my fingers are getting impatient and my heart is burning with desire to feel the rhythm and tempo of hitting the keys like a hammer hitting a nail.

diary, I try not to talk about my brother but I can't. I just want to tell you that I have been missing him a lot that it is beyond description. if only I were given a miracle, I would bring him to life. I try to be happy, I try to carry on with my life but knowing that he is not here to witness my progress is so heartbreaking. I miss the tease and the jokes that I shared with him. I miss every moment I spent with him. worse of all, I am afraid that there is no one else to protect or save me from harm. he was always there for me. even though at times, it was beyond his capacity to help me, he tried and I knew that he was sincere. if only I were kinder to him, if only I had appreciated him more when he was alive. I am living with regrets now and if only I could turn back the time....if only I could...

Chatty Wednesday

dear diary, my apologies for not writing to you for quite awhile. i have been busy and been contemplating on things. i have been contemplating on things that i do not know if they are worthwhile or not. i haven't heard from aramis for 5 days now. there isn't any missed calls, sms or emails. i haven't seen her online too. i am worried about her but i do not know if it's worth. she has been doing this to me for many times. she likes to do this to me, keeping silent for few days and then resurface whenever she feels that it is time. she likes to torture my soul like this. i haven't sms her since yesterday and i have not missed calls her since 3 days ago till today. i called her and i heard some music. upon hearing the music i was not diverted to her mail box or anything, the phone just went dead so i figured that it must be a service my maxis replacing the conventional ringing tone with something hip or cool. we have this service over here as well, i just couldn't be bothered to set it on. i miss aramis and i am not sure if she knows what i am feeling. it hurts to miss people like this. they are intangible, like the wind, you can feel them but you can never touch them. do u know what i am feeling diary? if u had a hand, i would take ur hand and place it on my chest and u will know how i feel...my heart beats without rythym, my body is alive without a soul and my feet walk without a destination...she is the rhythm to my heartbeat, she is the soul to my body and she is the destination to where my feet are walking...but she's gone now and i do not know for how long...i pray that she is coming back...

russia is fine and she called me this morning. i was busy and couldn't speak to her long. she is her usual self. busy and always on the move. that is russia, the one woman i know who is successful and plans well for her life. she has been treating me very well but yet i couldn't feel the love for her. i admire her guts, i admire her intelligence and i admire the woman in her. she has her flaws but yet she makes it up for it easily...

i received a short email form little sister. she told me she will be in seremban for some training. she didn't elaborate so i was lost there. i miss her. talking to her makes me feel good and i couldn't call her anymore cos she is busy. everybody seems to be busy nowadays.

i think about flying waitress so often nowadays. perhaps this is because she is such a sweet looking flying waitress but yet humble and nice. i think of the days i spent with her and how she ran her fingers through my hair. it's not about having her or anything like that, i just miss her company. she is such a good friend but shits happen and i do not want to be accuse again for breaking up a relationship. like i said earlier diary, some butch can be one hell of a sensitive and insecure bitch.

i haven't been calling psychologist for so long now. i have given up calling her. the phone rang but never was answered. i grew sick of it. i don't know what is wrong and how is she doing. i just hope she is fine and healthy. i miss having her coming to my house to stay. i am very comfortable with her. i missed talking and sharing things with her. she is a good friend...indeed.

wannabe sms me this morning and wished me a happy anniversary. it has been a year since we have been friends. many things happened between us. most are bad and it is all because of me. i haven't been treating her good. i was a devil towards her. she took it all in her stride like a grown up woman but it's ironic she still has a mindset of a kid.

i think of my brother everyday and night. i remember the times when we were young. i remember the time he was sick. i remember the time he was gasping for his last breath...it was all coming back to me now. I am still angry with myself for his death. this sunday marks the 40th day of his death and we are going to have some prayers for him. the relatives are going to help with the cooking. i am going to read yassin for him. i have been reading yassin for him almost every night without fail. i am beginning to memorise it little by little.

i am going to take up classical piano lessons and will write a song for my brother. I might get myself a keyboard soon. I saw one keyboard which has many features. It has dual mode even. I can switch it to piano tone and also to keyboard. It is going cheap and I think I will like to get it. It is good so that I can keep myself busy and fill up my time with things to do so that i won't have to worry over petty unnecessary issues.

Homely Sunday

dear diary, i spent the whole day staying in today. i didn't even took a step outside. i just stayed home feeling the cosiness and comfort of home. i did my laundry and watched VCD the rest of the day. i was sleepy in the afternoon but i couldn't sleep cos i wanted to catch 'pontinanak' on tv with my family. i think of my sister today and wonder how is she doing. she sent me an email on friday and how was i happy to receive it. she is a sweet girl and very adorable you just couldn't get mad at her. i think of my best friends too and i also think of how Aramis is doing. i have not heard from her for a few days and i am beginning to get worried. she always do this to me and shockingly, i have not gotten use to it. love always oevrpowers anger. I miss my little sister, i miss aramis, i miss russia and i miss my brother so much. may tomorrow be a happy day for me...