Chatty Wednesday

dear diary, my apologies for not writing to you for quite awhile. i have been busy and been contemplating on things. i have been contemplating on things that i do not know if they are worthwhile or not. i haven't heard from aramis for 5 days now. there isn't any missed calls, sms or emails. i haven't seen her online too. i am worried about her but i do not know if it's worth. she has been doing this to me for many times. she likes to do this to me, keeping silent for few days and then resurface whenever she feels that it is time. she likes to torture my soul like this. i haven't sms her since yesterday and i have not missed calls her since 3 days ago till today. i called her and i heard some music. upon hearing the music i was not diverted to her mail box or anything, the phone just went dead so i figured that it must be a service my maxis replacing the conventional ringing tone with something hip or cool. we have this service over here as well, i just couldn't be bothered to set it on. i miss aramis and i am not sure if she knows what i am feeling. it hurts to miss people like this. they are intangible, like the wind, you can feel them but you can never touch them. do u know what i am feeling diary? if u had a hand, i would take ur hand and place it on my chest and u will know how i feel...my heart beats without rythym, my body is alive without a soul and my feet walk without a destination...she is the rhythm to my heartbeat, she is the soul to my body and she is the destination to where my feet are walking...but she's gone now and i do not know for how long...i pray that she is coming back...

russia is fine and she called me this morning. i was busy and couldn't speak to her long. she is her usual self. busy and always on the move. that is russia, the one woman i know who is successful and plans well for her life. she has been treating me very well but yet i couldn't feel the love for her. i admire her guts, i admire her intelligence and i admire the woman in her. she has her flaws but yet she makes it up for it easily...

i received a short email form little sister. she told me she will be in seremban for some training. she didn't elaborate so i was lost there. i miss her. talking to her makes me feel good and i couldn't call her anymore cos she is busy. everybody seems to be busy nowadays.

i think about flying waitress so often nowadays. perhaps this is because she is such a sweet looking flying waitress but yet humble and nice. i think of the days i spent with her and how she ran her fingers through my hair. it's not about having her or anything like that, i just miss her company. she is such a good friend but shits happen and i do not want to be accuse again for breaking up a relationship. like i said earlier diary, some butch can be one hell of a sensitive and insecure bitch.

i haven't been calling psychologist for so long now. i have given up calling her. the phone rang but never was answered. i grew sick of it. i don't know what is wrong and how is she doing. i just hope she is fine and healthy. i miss having her coming to my house to stay. i am very comfortable with her. i missed talking and sharing things with her. she is a good friend...indeed.

wannabe sms me this morning and wished me a happy anniversary. it has been a year since we have been friends. many things happened between us. most are bad and it is all because of me. i haven't been treating her good. i was a devil towards her. she took it all in her stride like a grown up woman but it's ironic she still has a mindset of a kid.

i think of my brother everyday and night. i remember the times when we were young. i remember the time he was sick. i remember the time he was gasping for his last breath...it was all coming back to me now. I am still angry with myself for his death. this sunday marks the 40th day of his death and we are going to have some prayers for him. the relatives are going to help with the cooking. i am going to read yassin for him. i have been reading yassin for him almost every night without fail. i am beginning to memorise it little by little.

i am going to take up classical piano lessons and will write a song for my brother. I might get myself a keyboard soon. I saw one keyboard which has many features. It has dual mode even. I can switch it to piano tone and also to keyboard. It is going cheap and I think I will like to get it. It is good so that I can keep myself busy and fill up my time with things to do so that i won't have to worry over petty unnecessary issues.