Relax Wednesday

dear diary, I have came down with a fever today and I feel so weak. my body is burning up and i have not taken any medicines yet. everything seems to be weak and i can't wait for the fever to subside. i have not heard any news from little sister. i am starting to wonder what is wrong with her. i hope she is fine and safe. it is not like her not to send me any news of herself. we always exchange news fortnightly and it is very unusual for her to be silent. i really hope she is not upset with me over some things which i have overlooked. her birthday is on the 1st of september and i had forgotten to wish her a happy birthday, i hope she is not mad at me. i just miss her so much.

russia and i had a good long talk last saturday. we talked about stuffs which enlightened me a little about our relationship. it was just a casual open talk. i spoke the truth and so did she, but i am not sure whether we came to a conclusion cos i really didn't know. anyway, at least now, we have a mutual understanding of how things work and i guess, we are just going to let nature takes its course. i really don't know how to take things between us, we still have a long way to go before i finally be there and it is hard to tell if we can survive this ordeal. she passed me a remark saying that if things were to happen and we have to be separated, she really hopes that we can still be friends. i got an uneasy feelings when she said that but i ignore it and continued with the conversations casually.

i didn't really put any high hopes on us anyway. it is hard to commit to a long distance relationship when you are not ready for it. a lot of factors are involved, time, money, energy and sacrifices. i am not sure if i am ready for serious relationship. i think i am sick of love. very funny but it may be true. too many elements are involved when you are in love. to my understanding, love comes in a package and it does not manifest on its own. love comes with lust and pain and there are two kinds of love that i know of. love with kinship and love with lust which is to have sexual desires. after that, comes the flavours of love. it can be bitter and it can be sweet. oh well, love is just a simple thing it is only us the citizens of the world who gives love a bad name.

aramis sent me a couple of messages but i just ignored them. it's sickening and i am getting used to ignoring sms especially when they come from certain people. i have no grudges, no hatred against them but i just want to be quiet with them. i am very reserved naturally anyway so i am used to having less friends and doing things alone. it's better like that. i am not dependent on people and i guess that makes me a strong person. honestly, there isn't anybody that i am missing terribly right now except for my late brother and little sister. i used to miss aramis a lot but i gues she has taught me how not to miss her anymore. i have moved on from that and it is time to focus on things which are more important.

i think there will be one time in your life when you reach to a stage where you have grown immune to anything and everything and you won't find it exciting or interesting anymore. i guess it is the growing old syndrome that has just hit me. it's really funny diary. i guess this is the reason why aged people are usually relax, calm and collected when they see things and hear stories. i am becoming like that and i am happy with it. i am getting old am i not diary?