Headache Thursday

dear diary, i woke up this morning with a pounding headache on the right side of my head. i am scared because nurse Lily who was in charge of my brother told us that the easiest symptom to know for brain tumor is to have a headache when you get up in the morning. well, i am not paranoid but i am just taking precautions. it was pounding and it hurts quite a bit from morning till now late at night. i might have to go for a check up. i just want to play safe. i hope it is not anything serious. i have been feeling very sleepy lately and i admit i have little sleep nowadays. so i hope this headache is due to my lack of sleep.

i have been thinking of my brother a lot lately. so many things are coming back to me. i know i miss him but i have got no one to talk to. it's hard diary. i don't want people to think that i am petty. i just feel that i am missing him so much. i miss the times when i joked with him. i miss the times when we teased each other. sometimes, i wonder, if i were to die instead of him, would he have missed me like how i am missing him? would he have taken care of me like how i took care of him? we always had this love hate relationship but it was normal wasn't it? siblings do argue and fight over petty issues but we knew we love each other because we are flesh and blood. nothing on earth would ever change that. i am still coping with his death. it is still a shock to me and everytime i read the Yassin for him, i would shed tears and get all sad again.

there are a few things which i have regretted after his death and all i can do now is pray. i have not stopped praying since the day he died. i am not sure if that is what it is all about. i have never been praying religiously all my life because i have never felt it was my responsibility to pray as a Muslim. eversince his death, i became closer to God. i wanted to learn to read the quran, and i have this dream to be able to read it for him. i have this thirst of knowing more about Islam, the religion i have been blessed with. i am not sure if this mood is just a temporary one or not but i do hope that it is going to last. i know what i am but that does not stop me from becoming a practising Muslim. there is always a silver lining behind every dark cloud and when things happened, it could be a blessing in disguise. sometimes, it takes the death of a person to change another person's life. and i guess, in my case it's a brother's love.

there are so many things that i have been thinking about and i just keep on thinking about them till i stop. i just want to do things sincerely and not out of obligations. i know i still have to choose one day but all i want to do now is to continue praying for self discoveries. i keep thinking about Aramis, the love of my life. she's so quiet nowadays and i just let her be. i do not want to pursue about it anymore. she is an adult and she knows what are her responsibilities in a relationship. i think i have done enough on my part and i am going to stop now. i don't want to be the participant anymore, i want to be the spectator now. it's good to watch and observe. i still love her but i will just wait and see if she can love me back. i am taking things slow now at my own pace.

i have started on my keyboard and the skating lessons are due next month. i hope to learn new tricks and stunts so i can show off to the girls. i was always doing things to impress some girls but i think i am going to stop, it's not worth at all and a total waste of time. i have started on my novel and i am going to give myself 2 years to complete. it is going to be controversial but yet consist of a very well planned and analysed recipe. the main ingredients are life, love, death, religion, relationships and sacrifices.

i miss aramis and little sister so much. i hope they are safe and sound and in the pink of health. Please god, save them from any harm. give them good health...always.