1001 Stories

dear diary, my apologies for not writing to you for a very long time. i have been busy and circumstances did not allow me to write to you. things have been fine for me so now i am able to write to you again. i feel that i have not been writing for a few years. it is so strange this feeling that i have towards you probably because i take you as my friend who is alive but without a face. anyway, i hope you are doing fine and well.

last saturday was dad's birthday and we brought him to dinner at little india. we went to this indian restaurant which serves one of the best fish head curry that i have ever known. it was our luck that we didn't get to eat the naan bread cos we came after 3 and the restaurant doesn't serve bread after 3 so we had to settle for rice. i heard that they have many varieties of bread and i cannot wait to pay the restaurant a visit again. it was 5 of us and i feel that we were short of a family member and i knew it is my late brother. sitting at the table brought me back to the days when he was still alive and how would he have behaved if we went out for dinner on special occasions like this.

i knew i am still missing him and i can only think of the good times i have had with him. sometimes, i really wish that i were given the opportunity to meet him again so that i can tell him how sorry i am for being rude to him while he was alive. he wasn't a perfect brother and he had made mistakes towards me and that was the only reason why i respect him less than the other brothers. i still reminisce at how i have been treating him and it makes me feel even more guilty and lousy. i miss him so much beyond words and descriptions. my heart's desire cannot be fulfilled by looking at his photographs.

it is not enough to mend this broken heart of mine. i know i am devastated and i am doing all i can to console myself. he came into my dream again last two nights. he was in the condition he was in before he passed away; disabled and wheelchair bound, i showered and i helped him to brush his teeth. i did not see his face in that dream but i knew it was him cos i was talking to him. i wonder if i would still feel the same about him 10 years from now. i am sure i would cos i know his love is as pure as the love of the Almighty and i will carry it with me wherever i am heading. i miss him so much and i hope i will have the strength to live with one less flesh and blood.

russia and i talk less and less nowadays and it is probably because of what has been said before. i got turned off by her statement and i guess she's gotten sick of my constant straight talk of calling it off. things are crazy nowadays and couldn't even bothered to fix it. the best thing to do sometimes is to just stay quiet. silent is always the best weapon to me. that is what i am doing with aramis. i chose to be silent and this silence is making me feel relax over everything. i do not have to think about anything else. let her think what she wants to think. i am consoling myself over what has been done and said. no one can do a better job about taking care of my heart than myself. i know that i still love aramis but i am afraid to pursue it anymore because i know eventually someone will get hurt and would probably die from the wound a slow and agonising death. keeping away from her is how i protect myself even how much i wanted to share my life with her. loving her from a distant is my best remedy and i will keep her in my prayers.

i wrote little sister an email and apologised to her for not writing. i am sure she would understand. she has been the greatest little sister anyone could have. i told her stories of what i did while i was away and how i have been coping with life. i miss her so much and i hope it is not too late to wish her a Happy Birthday. i need to get something for her.

oh yes, i bought myself a Titus watch and i like it very much. it has this unique design that really caught my attention when i first laid my eyes on it. it is pink and i only chose pink cos i like bright colours and pink stands out from the rest of the colours. i bought another levis jeans as well. i am going crazy diary. i have been shopping non stop since the day big brother died. i am not sure if i am doing it because i am depressed and buying myself gifts is an unknown method for me to console myself or it is just my habit to waste money like that. it can really get out of control. once i have started shopping i just can't stop and it is freaking me out. i think the retail theraphy syndrome has hit me and i need to take control from now on.

i received an email from a friend who offer to teach me learn to read the quran. i am touched and grateful that she has shown such an interest. i truly appreciate her intention but i doubt it would be convenient for both of us cos of the distance. she is in JB and it is quite a hassle for me to go there weekly. i am going to reply her email later on and thank her at least for her thought, sensitivity and understanding.

psychologist called me few nights ago and how glad i was when she told me she actually lost her phone. i was worried about her cos all my calls were not answered. we talked quite a bit and updated ourselves about each other's lives. i kind of miss her company. she is someone whom i consider a good person to talk to when you are in need cos she listens to you and make wise and matured comments about it.