dear diary, i hate the way i dress today and i have lost all my self confidence for today. it's so irritating and annoying! i am never going to wear like this again. anyway, i don't look too bad it's just that it's too plain and simple. i have learnt my lesson and i'll be more careful to mix and match.
have you ever felt that way Diary? you are fairly good at fashion and you don't dress out of date but there will always be a day in every month where you just hate the way you dress, the way you wear your hair or the way you look. it is like a bad hair day and you lost your confidence over everything. you say to yourself that something is wrong with your jeans, or maybe your blouse. the colour seem not right, the combination does not work and you don't look good in it. your hair seem to be all over your head and it does not stand or sit right. the parting is not accurate, there's too much gel or wet look and your hair did not move an inch when the wind blow. it's natural but unnatural. damn!! i just hate that feeling. it demoralises you and you become so self conscious that every look aim at you made you try to think what did you forget to do with yourself today? and you start asking questions like, is there a zit on my nose? didn't i button my fly? is my hair out of place? do i look pale? is it too much make up? uneven blush on the cheeks? my lipstick smudge all over my lips? oh geeezzz...it is endless when you have become paranoid over everything especially over the way you look.
i have admired people who have such a high level of confidence. they walk with their shoulders straight, stomach in, chest out and they look straight. Simple in dressing but yet elegant and when they talk to you, you are charmed with their charismatic personality and professional approach. Friendly and cheerful but at the same time able to earn respect they rightfully deserve. intelligent but yet have a good sense of humour in the conversations making the interaction well balanced.
i have read in a book about building the charisma in you that you need to love, respect and adore yourself to be charismatic. it all starts from within and you have to start the revolution from small steps like taking ways on how to feel good about yourself. it also stated that our prophet Muhammad (saw) is still the top most charismatic leader of all up till today. that is because he founded the Muslim empire in a time when there was no civilisation. impressive isn't it?
oh yes diary, before i forget, i have finished chapter one of my novel and i am in the beggining of chapter two. i have to be a bit careful with this chapter cos this is where i am going to write about my views on religion, so a lot of research have to be made. this chapter revolves around the family with the main characters and it is also the birth of the issue of what this novel is all about. it's going to be tough and i need to get Kamus as quickly as possible. damn!! it's shameful when you have lost all the touch to write nicely and passionately in your own mother tongue. the vocabularies seem to be missing and not resurfacing. damn damn damn!!
oh i received a call from little sister last night. she sounds fine and naughty as usual. she said she was going to hang out at some mamak stall for teh tarik with her friends and her easy-to-get-jealous girlfriend. i told her not to stay out late at night. i hope she listens to me and have enough rest cos she is just out of the hospital. she wrote me an email too. she has successfully got herself a marrow bone donor and the operation will be conducted in two weeks time. my heart scream with joy when i read her email. i believe that my prayers have been answered by the almighty and only He knows how thankful i am for that. i hope the operation will be a smooth and a successful one. may she has a speedy recovery too. Thank you God...
i saw 'NONA' last sunday on TV and it featured a section on love that gone wrong. it interviewed two victims and one convict. the first victim was a young Malay woman in her early twenties. she caught my attention because she was thrown acid on her face and body by her ex boyfriend who got angry with her for calling the relationship off. i saw her on TV and the picture of her when she was hospitalised after the incident. her face was severely injured, her right arm and chest were severely disfigured, and she is blinded for life because the acid got into her eyes. her right arm got disfigured when she rubbed it against her eyes and face when she got hit by the acid.
my heartfelt sympathy and empathy goes out to her and her family. what sadden me most is she is the only child in her family. her parents are ageing and i wonder who will take care of her if anything were to happen to her parents? i feel for her and i hope she will be blessed with strong courage and faith to go on with life no matter what the circumstances are.
i cannot stop to think of what she has to go through after the incident and it makes me remorse. it makes me scared knowing that people would go to that extend because of an unreturned love. she showed a picture of herself before the incident and she is quite a looker i can say. imagine at a young age like that and has to come to terms with the fact that she will not be able to see the smiles of her parents anymore forever, not being able to watch the sun rises and sets. she couldn't enjoy life like before and has to live in solitude.
i cannot say how sorry i am for her, diary. even though i do not know her but her sufferings moved me especially when i looked at her parents. the sad face of her father trying hard to hold back his tears when interviewed. her mother's tireless face having to take care of her eversince she was a child till she is an able grown up becoming a disabled one. i just feel so sad over what had happened to her. why do people have the heart to do things like that just to hurt others? why do people even have such cruel intentions? i want to keep her family in my prayers. i hope that it will do some good for them. i am sad...please God, keep her family safe from any harm, make this world a better place for all of us without hatred...amin.
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