Chatty Tuesday

dear diary, i feel like it has been a long time since i last wrote to you. a lot of things have happened while i was away from you. the things that happened made me realised that you cannot have your cake and eat it. it is the simple truth about life, love and death. we live our life as it is and just take it from there. we stumble and we fell, doesn't matter how, but we have to learn how to get up and start walking again. we have to take the bull by the horn sometimes. the only way to cure from a heartbreak is to face the truth. truth always hurt, that's what i always here people say. but we must not overlook that the truth could be our last hope of remedy. i have always told people that accepting the truth is the only way possible to mend a broken heart. i said, take the truth as the medicine prescribed by the doctor to a sick person.

no medicines on earth taste like candy or chocolates. they always taste bitter and it is a misery to put it in our mouth and eat it. but we still have to do it cos that's our only chance of getting better. sooner or later we will get better and i guess that is how it works with accepting the truth. we have to come to terms with the fact that someone we love has died, we have to come to terms with the fact that we have reached the finishing line in love with someone and it is time for letting go. things have always happen for reasons and we have to take it from there. love can be sweet and it also can be bitter, when we are in love, we just have to prepare ourselves to taste the two flavours of love. we can't choose the flavours, it will be decided by the events in the relationship and how well we handle it.

i am leaving aramis for good. i think it is time to be on my own. i have always been alone anyway, so it really does not matter. i didn't tell her i'm leaving, i chose not to. i am just going to dissolve from her life slowly like how she always does to me. no spoken words, no goodbyes, no farewell, no nothing, i am just going to fade away and never coming back for her even how bad she needs me. to love someone who has not given you anything but pain and hurt will not get you anywhere. it is time to let go and move on from where i left. true love need not be searched, it will come to you, we just have to feel the presence. she should have left me alone and i should never have replied her email when she appeared in my life after missing for 3 years. she came back to hurt me again and i think history is repeating itself. i have to start all over again of getting over her and believe me, it is a tall order for me. somehow i knew i will make it like how i always do. time is the great healer, and i know with time i will get back on tracks walking with head held up high, shoulders back, tummy in and i will walk with confidence. i am not game for a love affair that is too complicated to even imagine and reminisce. i will take things slow from now.

i have so many things planned for myself and i am going to achieve it one by one. i hope aramis will lead a happy life with the person who sincerely love her and can put up with her attitude. she has been my source of inspirations but it is slowly diminishing. i have always thought of her as someone i adore without a face, a body and a voice. a mysterious living thing seeking for my attention who does not want to give back. selfish and pompous, unbelievably insensitive and lack a lot of charisma. that's who i loved and maybe i love her still. it's scary to love like this, it really is. i wish i never met her because i am feeling so down and low for what happened. it's a crazy world and a tough one to live.

little sister called me last few nights. she was angry and maybe dissapointed with me as well. i have not replied her email and she has not heard from me for a couple of days. i have been busy and hard to reach. i apologised to her and explained to her. she's so good to me. she sounded so genuine last night. i knew that she has always been sincere and honest with me. she means every word she said and she was worried about me. i was sorry for her and i hate myself for making her worried. nobody has been worried about me the way she has. i knew now that i have someone whom i can call my soul mate, a friend and a sister through thick and thin.

i sent an sms to flying waitress last saturday. i was skating and it was 2 am in the morn. i was by the beach and it was near to the airport, there were many planes flying and i was reminded of her. things have been rough for us. i was rather rude to her but i have my reasons just like how she told me she has her reasons for being silent with me. i have decided to do my own things nowadays.

i have arranged for the designer and i to skate together someday. i have yet to teach her how to skate correctly and i hope she's a fast learner. it's good to have skate buddies. i skated by the beach for about 5 km and it was tiring but i didn't enjoy it much cos there were not many challenges and obstacles for me. it was a very smooth skate session with very few human traffics. it was so late at night and there wasn't much people by the beach, even if there were, most of them would be sleeping in their tents and challets. i noticed there were quite a lot of beach bars but i didn't see many pretty babes. a couple of girls looked at me with curiosity and i wonder why that is.