i miss him so much...

dear diary, i thought that i am getting over it but i am not. i keep thinking about him all day long. the expressions in his face keep flashing back and it only makes me feel more sad and hurt. i know i cannot keep on doing this but i feel that i had not done a better job in taking care of him while he was alive.

yes, i took care of him more than any other of my siblings but i feel that i didn't do good. i keep thinking of the times he wanted to change his diaper because it was wet. everybody was too tired, we had had many sleepless nights and had to go to work and school the next day. he called out my name but i ignored him. he called my mobile and i didn't pick up on purpose. diary, if only i could open up my heart and show you how i am feeling right now. if only feelings are not too hard to explain and describe. i listened to the voice message he had left me, he told me it's wet and he wanted to change, he even thanked me in advance. it's not easy to take care of the sick and disabled especially when they are prone to throw tantrums. every little things seem not right to them.

cancer killed my brother and how i hated that disease so much that i have made it my official enemy. i have stopped smoking and i am not going to light it again. i keep telling myself that he was the chosen one. indeed he was special and he still is, God loves him more than anyone of us and God has chosen him to be the one.

28 years old, young and strong with many dreams ahead of him only to remain as dreams, unable to accomplish. i will live his dreams...i know he's gone but his spirit still lives on. i will carry the torch and continue the journey for him. we are flesh and blood and it will remain that way. nothing will ever change that.

i am living with regrets now. i know i have failed him in some ways many times. you know that i am not very expressive in showing love but you know how much i love him. i tried my best to make it up to him. i read the 'Yassin' for him daily whenever i can. that's the least i can do for him. i keep him in my prayers and i hope he will forgive me for all the wrongs i have done.

i miss him all the time and i looked at his photos sometimes but most of the times i will just close my eyes and remember the times when we were young and playful. those memories are still clear as crystal to me. he was naughty but he was cute and adorable. i read somewhere that the only important time was the the time we wasted for not spending quality time with our family.

i keep looking back nowadays, i don't know but maybe i just want to reminisce the times i was with him. there are many things that i regret after his death and i can only pray to god to forgive me. before they took him away, i touched his arms to feel his skin and flesh. i kissed his forehead. his eyes were tightly shut, there was a piece of cloth around his face to prevent his mouth from opening. when you have experience something like that, you can feel that death is just seconds away from you. i looked at him and my heart sank. i touched my heart and i feel that it's slowly breaking into pieces. i am trying to fix it back now, it takes time, a lot of time but i know i can because i have faith. he will be missed and remembered always...