living with regrets...

dear diary, i have been thinking of my late brother again the whole day. i feel so sad whenever i think of him. i still think that i have not made enough effort to help him feel better during his last days on earth. i feel like i owe him something that i have not repaid. i do not know what it is but i know there is something that i have to do for him. i am not sure if the rest of my family members feel the same like how i do.

diary, i have been missing him a lot lately and i can only talk to you about it. i am afraid to talk to others because i do not want them to have the wrong impression of me. i am not petty nor an attention seeker but i need to talk to someone about this issue but i am afraid. i know i will cry if i talk about it and to make people feel sorry for me is a thing i hate to do.

there is something that i feel which i need to let go. i feel guilty about my brother's death. i feel so bad about it and how i wish i could turn back the time to make things right. i know it's not a good thing in Islam to be engulfed with sadness all the time but i cannot help it whenever i think of him. i can still feel the pain and loss. my heart seems to be sinking deeper and deeper, like there is something heavy tied around it pulling it down to the bottom.

there are many things that i regret for not doing and i just wished that he would have understand and forgiven me. it's not easy living under pressure. you feel like the whole world is against you. you lost the support of your loved ones and you are not getting the daily dosage of motivations and encouragements. you seem to wander aimlessly even though you knew where is your destination. your mind seem to get sidetracked from the agenda and your spirit is dampen by your sad thoughts.

for all the bad things i've said to him, i did not mean every single one of it. i was in a state where anger took control of me and i lost my senses when i said those things to him. diary, if i could explain to you how sorry i am for the things i have done and said, i would. all the things i do nowadays will only bring me back to the memories i had with him. i often remember when he fell from his bed trying to go to the toilet by himself. he called out my name and i found him lying on the floor. i almost lost my temper with him but i didn't. i was angry with him for not wanting to accept the fact that he was at that time, semi paralysed.

perhaps he knew what was his condition, but he wanted to do it on his own not wanting to burden us. perhaps he was ashamed to make us clean his mess. i didn't think of all that, all i thought of was how tired and worn out i have become helping to look after him. all i thought of was how much sleep i have lost. shame on me for having such thoughts. he threw tantrums and i tried to persevere, sometimes wishing that he would calm down fast so that i could continue watching my favourite TV programme. i didn't even spare a thought for him. my sense of empathy had not kick in and i was quite selfish with him.

i wish he knew how much i regretted it. if only i could shout out loud to the whole world that i miss him so much, if only i could just hug him one last time. if only i had treated him well when he was alive so that i do not have to overcome the many regrets i have had...