dear diary, i need to get myself a pair of tailor made contact lens because the disposable one seems rather blurish to me. i often have to blink my eyes many times to get a better and clearer sight. i am not sure what's wrong but i know disposable lenses are not made to meet specific requirements to individuals. i may have got the right degrees but still i think i am suffering from other eye related problems as well other than short sightedness and the disposable lenses are not designed to accomodate my other eye problems. i should have got myself a pair of contacts lenses instead of making a new spectacle the other time. i think i need contacts lenses more than i need a spectacle since i will be skating a lot. i will probably get myself one pair of tailor made contacts lenses soon.
little sister wrote to me 2 days ago and complained to me about how life has been treating her. she's just so sweet. i don't know when is her operation due but i have reminded her to update me on the news. i hope the operation will give her a new hope and will allow her to have a new beginning in life. sometimes, i wonder how would it be like if we were to meet. i cannot imagine how it's going to be like. i think both of us would be very shy with each other. however, i think i will be the most talkative one. little sister is definitely going to be quiet. i am sure i will talk a lot but that is with my eyes looking down. you know diary, i have this habit, well, it's not really a habit, it's just what i do when i meet people because i am shy naturally. i hardly have any eye contacts with girls i newly met. it's something which i find hard to do. i get nervous with them and my hands will become cold. but i think i will be calm with little sister because i have registered her as my little sister in my brain, so it won't be that bad.
you know what i want to do most diary? i want to apologise to all the people i have hurt and was rude to. i want to tell them that i am sorry and i want us to be friends again. but it's just something that i have been contemplating. i am not sure if i will ever do it. i want to but i am not sure how. i don't know if they are going to respond let alone forgive me. but i am not expecting anything in return, i just want to let them know i am sorry and i didn't mean to do or say the things i have said and did. people make mistake don't they diary? and people can get very emotional sometimes. when emotions take control of the mind, how people behave and what people say can be quite a shock. i have made friends and i have lost friends along the way living my life. some things just happened beyond your control.
i miss all the friends that i have lost even though we may have hurt each other but still i believe there are always the good sides of them. i have tried to make small talk with some, there are encouraging but there are also discouraging. i know i cannot be expecting a lot and it's only natural for people to react in a discouraging manner when the enemy is trying to make small talk. i know it's not as simple as ABC. but deep down in my heart, i still regard them as people who have left small footprints in my heart and i am sure someday even if we do not talk anymore, i will be wondering what they might be doing, and how are they coping with life.
i know there are no simple remedies to mend broken hearts or to fix a severely ruin friendships but i guess, one party must make the first move at least. after that, it's all up to them. there are people who have shocked me with their attitude, i forgave them. sometimes, forgiving is the best remedy for you even for the most gruesome pain you have suffered. not many people realise that because i know forgiving someone who have hurt you beyond descriptions is the hardest thing to do. we all know that and the people who are willing to forgive are the people we should admire and salute.
i have forgiven aramis for what she has done. i have no regrets but i still need time to myself. the scar she gave me is still fresh and i need to dry it more often so that it won't hurt everytime i shower. you know how fresh scars and wound can hurt when they come in contact with water don't you diary? that's how best i can describe what i am feeling now. well, we have to get hurt once in a while.
i still remember how i made my point saying that when you love, you have to hurt and cry a little because only when you do, you will then feel love. love falls under 2 major categories. Firstly, love without lust, which is love of a kinship and secondly, love with lust, someone we love with the emotion of sex and romance. Nobody can deny that love exists everywhere we go. It is to the discretion of an individual to feel or acknowledge it. Most of the times people do not believe in love because they have been hurt so many times by what is thought to be a beautiful thing; love. It is present in ourselves, we give it away or we keep it to ourselves, either way, it proves that love exists.
For the pain we have experienced and suffered because of love and a few downfalls we have had in love thus, we refuse to recognise love. Everybody has their own share of set backs and some have even bled for love. It's us the citizens of the world with the term Humans that tarnished the good image of love. We give love a bad name taking it for granted every minute of our lives. If there were anyone or anything to be blamed for the lack of acknowledgement for love nowadays, it would be us. Hearts are broken everyday, emotions stirred every seconds and tears are shed many times in this modern digital world.
i have said it but i am saying it again, when you are in love, you have to hurt and cry a little. That is the price you have to pay for falling in love. That is the reality about love nowadays. Love does not come alone; it comes in a package with the other elements and sadly to say, pain and lust are the other elements. It is how far you take yourself with love that matters unless you have the ability to make love out of nothing at all. i am more relaxed now, i am more focused and well organised in the things i want to do. i wrote down them down in a list and started planning my time table. in a way, it helps me get my mind off aramis. she can be quite a disease i should say. it's unbelievable how i can fell in love with such a disease that brings chaos to my life. aramis is an unforgetable disease...for sure.
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