Moody Thursday

dear diary, i have been feeling very demoralised to live nowadays. i really wonder why that is. it is strange cos i have never felt like this before. it is like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i know it's about my brother's death but there is something else that adds up to it.

i feel that i am missing something but i do not know what it is. i am not badly affected by this sudden emotional roller coaster but it is disturbing to have feelings like this and i hate it very much. i have tried to overcome this feeling by going shopping and bought myself a keyboard but it didn't work. probably because i have not got my hands on the keyboard yet, that is why i am not quite excited.

i have lots of things to accomplish, i have wrote it down in a list. i hope to achieve them in 5 years time. i feel so lost now and i hope with my new list of things to do, i will be a happy woman again. you know how much i wanted to leave home for KL but i had to postpone it till very late 2005. i have to accompany my parents. the house is quiet now with less people. the maid's gone and angah's gone forever too. i need to search for something that could make me feel bigger than life again. i need to look for something that gives me a purpose to live and a reason to breath. i am not suicidal but i am just depressed.

the actress called me last night and i felt good. she has this sweet and sharp voice. i was not nervous when i spoke to her but i always watch what i say to her cos i do not want to turn her off. i often wonder how she looks like. my conversations with her have never been intimate. we chatted on common topics about life. i cannot recall if we ever conversed about love or matters of the heart. those two topics are very foreign to us. i like it this way. i like to have mutual friendships with no emotions involved, even if there is, it would be quietly dismissed. don't get me wrong diary, i am actually tired of long distance relationship and i feel that refraining myself from developing any emotional attachments to anybody is a wise move for now. maybe i will wait till i finally live in KL for good.

little sister is her usual self. she sent me an email which i read with joy. she sounded so typical of a little sister. pampered and spoilt but always adorable. she told me she's jealous cos i have had other friends who are so close to me that they can pass as my sisters. hahaha...she's so cute and naughty, always finding ways to tease me. well that's what little sister is all about isn't it?

oh diary, i have to go now, i don't want to miss my favourite drama series of THE OC. i will catch you later ok. take care.